“And it’ll hit Sarina too,” Jesse said, voice cracking, tears already rising to fill her eyes to overflow, “and there won’t be anything we can do to help this time either !”
“No, honey, no, that doesn’t follow .”
“How come? I don’t understand!” Jesse started crying, pressing her face into her father’s side for the only love and support she’d known in a long time .
Ty explained, “Because things just happen sometimes. What happened to your mom didn’t happen because she was your mom, not because she was my wife, just…just because. But there’s no reason to think something like that will happen to Sarina. You saw what happened when she was water-skiing, with that shark !”
“But that’s what I mean! She could have been killed !”
“And she wasn’t,” Ty said. “In fact, you saw the way those whales were jumping up on each side of the boat. Sarina was right, that sure was something…you have to admit that it was.” Jesse nodded in agreement. “And Sarina wasn’t even that scared, not as scared as I would have been .”
“You? You’re not afraid of anything .”
Ty sat there, feeling the full weight of his responsibility to be strong for her, to set a fearless example to lead her to a better life. Just like down at the station, Ty thought to himself, I suppose it will always be this way .
Then he thought about how he’d continually gone through life with his guard up. Strong for Jesse, strong for his workmates, strong for the world. Allowing himself to be vulnerable around Sarina was truly stepping out of his tough-guy image, releasing this self-imposed pressure was a huge rush of relief .
She loved him in spite of his imperfection, perhaps even because of it. Maybe I’ve been coming at this all wrong, setting too high a bar, an example nobody could hope to live up to. Am I only setting my daughter up for failure and self-recrimination ?
Ty said, “Y’know something, honey…I’m a little afraid too .”
“You are? Of what? That I am right, that something bad’s gonna happen to her ?”
“No, Jesse, no. But I am afraid that you won’t be happy in life, honey. I’m worried that you’re going to be sad about losing your mom for the rest of your life, so much that you never learn to be happy .”
Jesse tilted her head. “Learn to be happy? But you’re just…just happy, right ?”
“Sometimes, Jesse, yes, sometimes being happy feels like the easiest, most natural thing in the world. When we’re together it’s like that, Jesse; it makes me so happy. But you’ll need more than a father’s love to be happy for yourself, Jesse. I know you’ve been happy enough at times throughout the past two years, but when Sarina came around, it got harder. Because she could make you, and me, a lot happier. And then losing her would make you even sadder .”
Jesse nodded, eyes puddling with tears as she wiped them from her reddening cheeks. “But that’s the saddest thing of all, Jesse, to not have any friends, anybody close…really close, because someday we might lose them. That’s no way to live, Jesse. Look at Sarina—she doesn’t live that way, and she lost her family too—her mom and her dad .”
“How?”
Ty gave that a little thought, realizing, “Gee, honey, I-I don’t know. Shall we ask her…together ?”
Jesse thought about it, burrowing deeper into Ty’s side, wrapping her slender arms around his taut midsection. “I don’t wanna make her sad to think about it the way it makes me sad to think about Mommy .”
Ty pulled her closer and in a soft voice said, “Okay, honey, we’ll do it your way .”
* * *
T y arrived at the station house for another four-day shift. And he didn’t expect to be treated to a round of applause as he entered. He’d come in from being off-duty and wound up the hero of the day, only to retire quietly back to his new girl, his home, and his daughter. So when he reappeared as if nothing had ever happened, it only drove his heroic profile even higher .
The first to embrace him was Simon Davis, young and eager; Ty had shown him the ropes early in his career .
“There he is”—Simon smiled—“the Hercules of Howell Street .”
“No, no,” Ty said, his big hands waving Simon back and quieting the others, “it’s nothing really .”
“Nothing?” Pat McQuinn stood there with her arms crossed under her ample breasts, red hair cascading over her pale, freckled face. “Come on, Ty, you were in that building for almost seven minutes. That’s a whole lotta nothing .”
Ty thought about it. It had been a dangerous enough tale to tell, and he knew they were all anxious to hear it. In years before, Ty reasoned that he’d been an example to the rest of the crew. But he was beginning to see more and more the folly of his example, and the danger of it .
He looked at those admiring faces, similar in expression to that of his own daughter Jesse, or even Sarina. Ty couldn’t miss the similarity in both Sarina’s and Pat’s expressions when they looked at him: hungry, wanton, sexy as hell. But he knew he couldn’t encourage that in Pat any more than he’d ever intended to. He knew that as his relationship with Sarina became more serious, his friendship with Pat would be threatened, not to mention the efficiency of the department .
And he couldn’t help but look into those faces, so eager to follow in his footsteps. How long will it be before I inspire one of them to take the kind of risk that I took? How long will they be able to do it before the inevitable happens? How long before it happens to me ?
“I knew he was on the third floor,” Ty said, “and the woman told me what unit he’d be in. So it really was just a matter of getting to him and bringing him out .”
“What about your leg?” Simon asked. “You came limping out of there, the paramedic — ”
“Pulled a muscle,” Ty said. “No big deal .”
Pat and Simon shared a skeptical glance as Ty turned away to unpack his things for what would be a long few days .
Ty didn’t feel good about Googling Sarina’s name, but he knew that Jesse had raised a good point. It would be a delicate question to raise, and there really wouldn’t be any harm in knowing what happened, if that was possible. He stopped short of checking her background and credit, even though Pat McQuinn had strongly suggested it .
“So you’re really dating this woman?” Ty nodded, but didn’t want to agitate his friend by affirming it vocally. He didn’t need to. “She’s…she’s kinda young, isn’t she ?”
“Twenty-three .”
“She’s a child, Ty !”
But there was no way of making Pat feel any better about what was happening. She had an unrequited love for Ty, and nothing was going to change either the love or its sad context. And there was nothing wrong with Pat McQuinn, not on any level. Ty admired her character and treasured her friendship. But he simply wasn’t in love with her the way he’d fallen in love with Sarina, and there was nothing any of them could do or say about it .
If only Pat would see it that way, instead of feeling rejected, passed over, hurt .
Ty tried not to think about it. I didn’t want to bring it up; I didn’t want to tell any of them about it at all. But she worked it out of me, so then she had to accept the results of her own campaign .
But Ty had given Pat McQuinn plenty of thought over the previous year, and now he had somebody else on his mind. Her name came up a few times during a casual Google search: Sarina’s Facebook page, brief histories of her residences or those of women with the same or similar names, and a Linkedin account that seem to have been established and never used .
But a more thorough search pulled up the name Sarina Dunne in association with a Lane County Crier news article about a private plane crash outside of Eugene, Oregon almost seven years before. A faulty fuel injector had caused a forced landing, but power lines had clipped the plane’s wing, sending it cartwheeling across a wide, flat meadow not far from the small college town. According to the article: The pilot, attorney Carl Dunne, 40, and his wife, Sheila Dunne, 38, died in the crash and ar
e survived by daughter Sarina, 17, and Carl Dunne’s mother Willamena, 60 .
Ty leaned back, hands sliding off the keyboard. Explains a lot, he had to silently admit. Must have been an insurance settlement, help get ’em by. That’s too much house and too much expense for a kids’ book ghostwriter .
Plane crash, both parents at once, sudden and terrible—one lost her parents, the other lost her only child. No wonder Sarina and her grandmother are so close, no wonder Sarina’s so dedicated to her and fearful for her new dementia—could also explain the dementia itself .
No wonder Sarina can relate so much to Jesse’s loss. Talk about an example of strength and courage; Jesse could learn a lot from Sarina, a lot more than she could from me, if I can only convince Jesse to really give her a chance .
Chapter Seventeen
Sarina
I t was a beautiful day at Cal Anderson public park. Ty was back on the job, but both her and Jesse were happy to arrange another visit without him. The relationship between both Sarina and Jesse was growing and flowering into something beautiful. A sense of trust and safety was strengthening between both of them. Billie came along too, and so did Ty’s neighbor, Mr. Herb Richards. Sarina had cautioned her not to involve herself too much, to be careful not to lean on what had happened the last time she tried to fix things on her own .
A sparrow fluttered out of the branches of a nearby maple tree, the Seattle sun nice and hot. Sarina felt loose and comfortable in shorts and a T-shirt, everybody letting their hair down just a bit further. Billie and Herb sat on a big blanket, picking at fried chicken, coleslaw, chunks of freshly cut melon, and crisp, green grapes, crunchy and delicious .
Sarina and Jesse left their elders behind to stroll around the park. People tossed Frisbees—dogs chasing after them, lovers cuddled under cherry trees, and women pushed strollers alongside their proud and loving husbands .
It was the picture of normalcy, of happiness—the American dream come true in three-hundred-and-sixty-degree high-def four-d. Yet, how easy it is to overlook it, Sarina had to silently marvel, How easy to go through life in one dimension, flat and cold and colorless, with no real perspective .
Sarina said to Jesse, “Pity we didn’t have a friend from class join you. Do you keep in touch with anybody during the summer ?”
Jesse shrugged. “Sometimes. But I guess it’s okay if we’re just visiting—just us .”
Sarina glanced back. “And Billie and Herb, of course.” Jesse nodded, and Sarina went on, “Well, that works for me. What kind of things do you like to do?” Jesse shrugged and Sarina glanced around, spotting a massive oak tree not far off. “Do you like to climb trees ?”
Jesse nodded. “Sometimes .”
Sarina pointed out the big oak. “Look at that one over there! It should be easy to climb, and look how high we could go !”
“Y’think?”
“Why not? C’mon!” Sarina ran toward the tree and Jesse followed. Sarina was flush with the vaguely familiar feelings of mischief, of just a little bit of chaos. Fleeting concerns about the safety of it bothered her, but Sarina was quick to remind herself it was just a tree in a public park, hardly a killer shark moment away from eating her alive. But visions of Jesse laying on the grass with a broken neck made Sarina think twice .
But by then, Jesse was already climbing. “Just be careful,” Sarina said as Jesse found a thick branch only a few feet above the ground, the other branches getting progressively thinner as the oak tree stretched up into the clean blue above them. Sarina climbed up alongside Jesse, following her and careful to keep an eye out on the little thing as she ascended. Jesse was very graceful and coordinated, almost like a little monkey. And while Sarina wanted to be inspired to that same kind of whimsey, that same guileless indulgence, an adult voice in the back of her head kept reminding her: Be safe, watch Jesse, make sure she doesn’t fall !
But Sarina had as much to worry about her own balance and safety as she did about Jesse’s .
“Watch this!” Jesse wrapped her legs around the tree branch and lowered her body down to dangle upside-down, arms extended downward, blond hair hanging down .
“Be careful, Jesse !”
“It’s okay,” Jesse said reassuringly. “Try it !”
“What, me? Oh, no, I don’t think so .”
“C’mon, Sarina, you said not to be afraid!” Looking at that innocent little girl, she knew she was right, and that Sarina herself had been right before. Now she had to live up to her own example, and she had just a flash of how Ty must have felt, all day every day of his life. “C’mon !”
Well, Sarina told herself, how dangerous can it really be ?
So Sarina climbed onto the branch and slung one leg over. She slowly slung the other leg over too and then eased herself down. Her muscles strained to support her, feet cramping to add some kind of anchorage to her precarious dangling .
It all came rushing back: the easygoing days before tragedy that changed her life forever, the carefree view of a world that was more right-side up than any adult perspective. The ground above her and the sky below—this was the world the way it was meant to be seen, the world the way Sarina had long forgotten how to see it .
But now she was remembering; it was all coming back to her. Sarina started laughing even as the breath was harder to find in her lungs, compressed by her extended arms. She turned to look at Jesse hanging next to her, a silly upside-down smile on her face, sharing her girlish giggle .
There was a quick snap above them, the branch jostling a bit. Sarina’s legs tensed, fear shooting through her, making her look up and down at the grass beneath her; it was too far to be a safe landing .
“It’s okay,” Jesse said, climbing down and righting herself in one quick and easy motion. She took two steps toward Sarina and put a gentle hand on her arm. “Just reach up, grab the branch.” Sarina did as she was told, needing more encouragement than specific instruction. She righted herself and found her footing, a bit dizzy as she looked around with a relieved smile .
Sarina said, “Whoa !”
Jesse asked, “Are you okay ?”
“Yeah, I’m…I’m fine, Jesse, thank you.” Jesse smiled and reached up, Sarina slipping her hand in the little girl’s, and the two walked back across the park together .
Herb watched Billie look out over the park with a smile on her aging face. The more she smiled, the more she seemed to inspire Herb’s skepticism. He’d heard from Ty about her challenges, and it only strengthened his position that Sarina Dunne was not the girl for Ty. He’d known plenty of people who’d suffered similar ailments to Billie’s, and their illnesses had been cruel and ugly experiences for everyone involved. He didn’t want Jesse to have to witness that kind of late-life spiral. She’d suffered enough and seen enough tragedy for an entire lifetime, and the child wasn’t even ten years old .
But of course Herb couldn’t say anything of it, at least not to Billie. He’d said too much to Sarina before, and the fact that she was still around, more and more even in Ty’s absence, told Herb that his warning had gone unheeded. He thought he might have a better chance speaking one-on-one with a more mature person, but he didn’t think she’d agree with his point of view, even under the best of circumstances. And if those had been the best of circumstances, there wouldn’t be any issue to be concerned about .
So Herb stepped carefully. “You and your granddaughter spend a lot of time together .”
“She hung the moon,” Billie said, smiling, turning to spot Sarina and Jesse strolling around, not far in the distance .
“She’s very lovely,” Herb said with a craggy but friendly tone .
“I suppose you’re going to stay with her, even…even after .”
“After?”
Herb shrugged. “After she gets married. I mean, it may not be to Ty, or it may be. He’s quite fond of her .”
“I’m glad to hear it. But I’m not worried about staying with my Sarina .”
“No?”
“No, of course not.” Billie smiled and turned to gaze out over the park. “I’ll be living with my son .”
“Your…your son ?”
“Of course,” Billie said. “My son, Carl, and his wife, Sheila. He’s a very successful attorney .”
“Is that so?” Herb smiled, sharing a warmth that only people of a certain age can; it was born of mutual suffering and a lifetime of experience. “I had no idea .”
“Well sure,” Billie said .
Herb nodded as he gave it some thought. It was new information to him, but this didn’t surprise him, as he and Ty had never discussed her past. But he knew Billie was wrestling with dementia, and so anything she said had to be treated with a certain amount of skepticism, and with caution .
“May I ask, where are they now ?”
Billie looked at him with offended curiosity. “What do you mean, where are they? We’re here at the park; you can’t think they’re just gonna turn up here ?”
“No, I meant…why aren’t you living with them now? Are they here in Seattle, or …?”
Billie twitched, looking around the park again as if she might actually find them walking toward them with perfect timing and a casual stride. “No, they’re…they’re in Oregon, in Eugene. They flew down for the weekend in his private plane .”
“Oh, he’s got a private plane? How fancy !”
Billie waved him off and sneered. “I don’t care for it, and I won’t fly in it. Even right now it’s having problems—something mechanical. But as soon as that’s fixed, they’re coming right back. Then I’ll move in with them and Sarina can marry Ty .”
“Oh,” Herb said, sensing the off-center nature of the tale but knowing better than to plumb the matter further. “That’s just terrific, Billie, really terrific .”
“But it doesn’t mean I’m going to let you break them up.” Billie’s words came quick and sharp, a mean flex in her voice that took Herb off his guard. “I heard about what you said to my granddaughter, how she has no place dating Ty .”
Caught In Flames Page 9
