Why does every man in a VFW look so angry?
New Problems:
1. Getaway vehicle?
Can’t use mine
Can’t rent
Can’t borrow
Can’t steal (don’t know how)
2. Alibi?
Why do I need one?
Maybe I don’t need one.
How is an alibi even possible if you can’t be in two places at the same time?
Only suspects need an alibi.
If I’m a suspect, it’s all over.
Reasons why it’s “all over” if police declare me a suspect
I can’t lie.
I’m afraid of the police.
I’m a conflict-averse people-pleaser.
I crack while trying to enforce the bookstore’s more-than-reasonable return policy.
What will this make me?
Thief?
Robber?
Burglar?
Plunderer?
Bandit?
Pirate? (I wish)
Criminal?
Robin Hood?
Hero?
JANUARY 30
2:05 AM
New Thought
I need a theme song for this. First lyric that came to mind:
I fought the law, and the law won.
Amount of time it took for me to realize the implications of this lyric
Way too fucking long
Possible theme songs
“Stayin’ Alive”: Disco sucks unless Jill is dancing to it
“Bingo”: Obvious, uninspiring, and just the kind of uncool thing I would do
“Mo Money Mo Problems”: BS sung by someone who isn’t staring at the possibility of admitting to his pregnant wife that he’s a failure and they’re going to lose the house
“Take the Money and Run”: My name isn’t Billy Joe or Bobbie Sue
“Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits: Too cool for me
“Money, Money, Money” by ABBA: The perfect song for me, but I would never admit to it
Probability that I’m trying to find a theme song to avoid the reality of this plan
High
JANUARY 31
7:18 AM
Thing I realized about myself today
I’m a conflict-averse people-pleaser
Thing I hate most about myself
I’m a conflict-averse people-pleaser
FEBRUARY
FEBRUARY 1
7:12 AM
Finances
Savings: 4,603
Income
What I tell Jill: 2,300
Reality: 1,033
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
House: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 132
Oil: 446
Phones: 180
Gas: 101
Financial Solutions
FRONT BURNER
Bingo
Begging billionaires
“No Thank-You Note Required” greeting card
BACK BURNER
Second job
Day-trading
Bingo To-Do List
Identify best possible bingo locations
Figure out what else needs to be added to this list
Begging Billionaire To-Do List
Write letter
Find addresses
Send letters
Wait
“No Thank-You Note Required” To-Do List
Design a prototype
Find a partner maybe?
Tell Jill maybe?
Learn how to manufacture and sell shit
Why thank-you notes (in response to gifts) are stupid
Only uppity, pretentious assholes with enormous amounts of discretionary time value the receipt of a thank-you note.
Most thank-you notes contain trite, repetitive, meaningless bits of mundanity.
Expecting a thank-you note in exchange for your gift turns the act of giving into an asymmetrical trade: I give you a gift in exchange for a bit of card stock, an inconsequential amount of ink, an envelope, and possibly a stamp.
The expectation of a thank-you note turns an act of generosity into a bullshit etiquette trap.
Why my “No Thank-You Note Required” card KICKS ASS
Replaces a standard birthday/wedding/graduation card
Provides the receiver with the gift of time (the greatest gift of all)
Adds significant value to the actual gift
Saves the recipient the expense of a thank-you card
Reduces the amount of expected etiquette in this world
Angers traditionalists and uppity, pretentious assholes (always fun)
Something I Learned Today
“Mundanity” is a real word.
FEBRUARY 2
8:15 AM
DAYS WITHOUT
Chocolate glazed doughnuts
0
Gum
0
Crying
0
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
0
Green vegetables
0
Flossing
36
Retail rage
0
Regret over quitting my job
0
Dad
5,734
FEBRUARY 3
5:00 PM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for February
The Martian by Andy Weir
The Road by Cormac McCarthy (bad choice for expecting fathers who fear the worst at all times)
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (makes my Jewish wife happy to see it on the list)
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas (Edmond Dantès was the John McClane of his day)
Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones
What I wanted to be when I grew up
An astronaut
The very last thing I want to be as an adult
An astronaut
Reasons I hated The Martian
Mark Whatley made me feel like less of a man
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Making an astronaut-botanist as brilliant, brave, and good-looking as Matt Damon sets unreasonable expectations for the rest of us.
FEBRUARY 4
7:45 AM
Notes regarding Bill Donovan phone call
Don’t remember giving him my number
“I’m Dan. Not Danny.”
A lot of coughing
“We got bingo on Friday.”
“We”?
Just filed his “fucking taxes.”
His dead wife was a florist named April.
Cat named Pavlov
“You golf?”
“What the fuck do you do?”
Doesn’t read books. “Just newspapers and billboards.”
Lives alone (except for cat)
“Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! and all those fucking shows are for numb nuts.”
“So you coming?”
“People who show up late suck at life.”
“Get a fucking stamper.”
FEBRUARY 4
9:20 AM
Things I just realized about Bill’s call
“What the fuck do you do?” is a very good, very hard question.
A cat named Pavlov is funny.
What is a stamper?
Bill might be lonely.
Bill might know that I’m lonely.
FEBRUARY 5
2:20 AM
Questions I want to ask Jill but am afraid to ask
Do you love me more than or less than the day we were married?
Do you ever wish that I was your dead husband?
How does my penis compare to Peter’s penis?
How many times a day do you think of your dead husband?
How often do you regret marrying me?
Dan’s Universe Law of Marriage (for Dan Only)
FEBRUARY 5
2:55 AM
Charles Darwin’s Pros and Cons of Marriage
MARRY
Children—(if it Please God)
Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one
Object to be beloved & played with
Better than a dog anyhow
Home, & someone to take care of house
Charms of music & female chit-chat
These things good for one’s health
Forced to visit & receive relations but terrible loss of time
NOT MARRY
No children, (no second life), no one to care for one in old age
Freedom to go where one liked
Choice of Society & little of it
Conversation of clever men at clubs
Not forced to visit relatives, & to bend in every trifle
Dan’s Pros and Cons of Marriage
MARRY
Continued—albeit less than regular—sex for the duration of your life (presumably)
A knowledgeable source more than willing to pause and explain the complex plots of television shows without judging you
Household chores cut in half (more than half if you play your cards right)
Guaranteed brunch companion
Passenger to elaborate upon GPS directions while you’re driving
Naked woman walking around the house constantly
Permanent wedding, Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve date
No more fear of STDs (or condoms)
Someone to whisper the names of all the people you forget as they approach
NOT MARRY
Just one stupid calendar to worry about instead of two
You’ll never wonder if your spouse’s unwillingness to have sex on a given night is reflective of how much she loves you at that moment
Change bedsheets a lot less frequently
Guilt-free Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich for dinner any night you goddamn want it
Hampers remain hampers and not not-so-temporary closets and bureaus
Lights turned off in unoccupied rooms
Avoid family gatherings by lying about “previous plans” without the fucking morality police questioning you
Financial ruin is your own
FEBRUARY 6
7:18 AM
Why I won’t stock Etch a Sketches in the store no matter what Jill says
The Etch a Sketch makes me feel stupid.
The Etch a Sketch is stupid.
Paper and pencil are better.
Drawing a picture of a fucking rectangle isn’t supposed to be this difficult.
The Etch a Sketch is bullshit.
FEBRUARY 6
3:22 PM
Things I am forever grateful for:
Growing up without the Internet
No more faculty meetings
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Free refills
The ocean
Public ban on smoking
Vaccines
Bruce Springsteen
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
Peter’s infertility
Lack of digital photography when I was in high school
FEBRUARY 6
6:40 PM
Text messages from Bill
There is a football game on tonight. You should watch it. Expand your horizons.
You get old unless you get new.
You’re too fucking young to be so fucking old already.
Cross-stitching. And I love it.
Did you see that sack?
What’s a sack?
Fuck you.
Googled
Sack: quarterback (or another offensive player acting as a passer) is tackled behind the line of scrimmage before he can throw a forward pass
Also Googled
Line of scrimmage: the imaginary line separating the teams at the beginning of a play
FEBRUARY 7
7:18 AM
Things I Procrastinate About
Clicking on my banking app
Conversations with my wife about hampers
Starting my diet
Investing in an index fund
Redesigning the children’s section of the store
Any chore involving a phone call
FEBRUARY 7
10:20 PM
Bingo with Bill
“I told you to bring a stamper.”
Doesn’t smoke
“Never smoked. I always thought pizza and girls were better than cigarettes, so that’s where I spent my money.”
Plays nine bingo cards faster than I can play one
Asks lots of questions
“I hate these fuckers who complain about a fixed income. Lots of people are living on a fixed income. It’s called minimum fucking wage, and it’s criminal.”
Bill walks and talks like a Republican but might be a Democrat
“No offense, Danny, but you quit teaching to sell books? What the fuck were you thinking?”
“Please tell me you at least got your pension first.”
Shouts “Bingo!” like he’s annoyed about winning
“You know about Amazon. Right? You know they sell books. Right?”
“If this book thing doesn’t work, go back to teaching. Run back. Hard work is good work.”
FEBRUARY 8
11:45 AM
Rules I Try to Live By
I need to be impressed by you before I have the desire to impress you.
Rules without consequences are merely suggestions.
Deadlines without consequences are just lines.
Always balance the cost of completing something stupid with the penalty for not completing it.
Penalties rarely have any real teeth.
FEBRUARY 8
7:30 PM
Questions I asked myself today
Is the tightness in my chest from stress, a heart attack, or both?
Am I really going to do this?
How can $20,000 be a fortune for one person and a drop in the bucket for another?
When does a fetus know that it exists?
Is it better to eat a 250-calorie Twix or a 345-calorie avocado?
Was reading bad writing really so bad?
Why didn’t I fight Jimbo Powers that day if I wasn’t afraid to lose?
How hard would it be for me to get another teaching job?
Each penis can’t be the same, so do women have clear and distinct memories of specific penises that they have encountered in their lives?
Do people who denigrate 7-Eleven hot dogs without ever trying one know that they are judgmental pricks?
FEBRUARY 8
11:05 PM
Five ways to say “movie” that say a lot about you
Picture: Pretentious beyond measure
Film: Marginally elitist
Movie: Normal and decent
Flick: Self-important and dismissive
Motion picture: Serial killer
FEBRUARY 9
11:05 PM
Two Kinds of Teachers
Those who loved school as a child
Those who hated it
My Favorite Kind of Teacher
Those who hated it
FEBRUARY 9
11:30 PM
New things so I don’t get old
Write a screenplay
Learn to play the ukulele
Cross-stitch
Poker
Soap carving
Ventriloquism
Learn to roller-skate
FEBRUARY 9
11:50 PM
Five ways I’ll know that I’ve finally made it as a Hollywood screenwriter
I write a movie wherein the male lead is wearing glasses and researching something and his female romantic interest reminds him about the importance of eating.
I write a movie wherein the male l
ead has been treated for serious injuries and attempts to get out of bed in order to save the day, only to be pushed back by his female romantic interest, who reminds him that he is still recovering from that thing that would’ve killed any normal person.
I write a movie wherein alcoholism is a disease limited only to men and can be cured by the need to save the world.
I write a movie wherein mechanical failures can be instantly repaired with punches, kicks, head butts, and the pounding of wrenches to parts of the machine that have nothing to do with the failure.
I write a movie wherein the intelligence of law enforcement officials is inversely proportional to their rank.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Everyone thinks they can write a screenplay, but in truth, almost everyone is only marginally good at complaining about screenplays.
FEBRUARY 10
12:20 PM
Things Peter Would’ve Never Said
“I think I’m going to try soap carving.”
“Look at my ventriloquism dummy. Isn’t he cool?”
“I cross-stitched you a throw pillow.”
FEBRUARY 10
3:17 PM
Complaints received at the bookstore this past weekend
“You don’t carry enough editions of the Bible.”
“I can’t believe you’ve never heard of the ‘good guy discount.’”
“That redheaded lady is not very nice.”
“What the hell is wrong with having a men’s room and a women’s room?”
“Twenty dollars? Do you realize that I could just check this book out of the library?”
“This winter sucks. Snow or get off the pot. Know what I mean?”
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 7
