Twenty-one Truths About Love

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Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 14

by Matthew Dicks


  She asked to be the assistant manager.

  She’s asked more than once.

  She thinks we need monthly staff meetings and performance reviews.

  She thinks David Sedaris is a “humorless twerp.”

  She already calls me nine times a day for nonsense problems.

  Jenny would quit.

  Jenny would punch me in the face before quitting.

  Steve would think even less of me.

  It would become even harder to fire her.

  APRIL 16

  4:52 PM

  New solutions

  Sell the store

  Promote Steve to manager and get a full-time job

  Problems with new solutions

  SELL THE STORE

  No one would buy it

  Even if I found a buyer, it would take months

  I’d barely break even

  PROMOTE STEVE TO MANAGER AND GET

  A FULL-TIME JOB

  Steve probably doesn’t want the job

  I can’t pay Steve enough to make it worth his while

  The only job I’m qualified to do is teach, and it’s midyear

  Question

  What the hell does “worth his while” mean? What’s Steve’s “while”?

  Answer

  Oh, it’s time. “While” is time. It’s not worth his time. Duh.

  APRIL 16

  8:35 PM

  The only times when you’re allowed to leave a voicemail

  Someone has unexpectedly died

  You just won the lottery

  Bruce Springsteen would like to speak to you

  I’m calling from the future with information that can save the world

  APRIL 17

  4:30 PM

  Words Steve said today

  “Your father came into the store.”

  “He said he was your father.”

  “He wanted to talk to you.”

  “He acted like I was lying when I said you weren’t here.”

  “He bought a greeting card and a copy of The Martian and Something Missing.”

  “He looked nervous.”

  “Flannel shirt, I think. Jeans. Why?”

  “Do you guys talk?”

  “He left this for you.”

  Possible reasons Dad came to the store

  Needs money

  Angry

  Guilty

  Dying

  Possible things to say if I see Dad

  “Nice flannel shirt.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “No, I called you last. I left a message. You never called back.”

  “I think we both probably suck.”

  “Sometimes it’s just easier to do the stupid thing than to do the hard thing.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Are you sorry?”

  What I wish I could say to Dad

  “I was a kid. I wasn’t supposed to be the one to hold things together. You were.”

  “Divorce sucks, but I didn’t divorce you. Mom did.”

  “Do you know how hard it is to call your father when you’re not sure if he really loves you?”

  “Why?”

  What I really wish I could say to Dad

  “I wish I could be a little boy again, and I wish you could be my dad, because that loss will hurt me forever.”

  APRIL 17

  5:15 PM

  Level 2:

  Volkswagen Bug

  Level 3:

  Corvette (under car cover)

  Subaru Outback (green)

  Questions

  If I said that I’m not doing it, why am I still inventorying the parking garage?

  Is this how fatherhood works? If you’re not physically attached to the baby, the halo effects of the baby are temporary?

  I’m still not doing it. Right?

  APRIL 17

  11:15 PM

  Reasons for fighting with Jill tonight

  She told my father about the baby.

  She told my father about the store (he knew already).

  She told my father that he should go see me.

  She was the reason my father showed up at the store.

  I’ll never know if he wanted to see me or was guilted into trying to see me.

  Reasons Jill called my father

  “You’re going to be a father.”

  “Enough is enough.”

  “Men are stupid.”

  “It’s my kid too, and I want it to know its grandfather.”

  “I couldn’t stand the thought of him suddenly dying and you regretting not seeing him for the rest of your life.”

  Addition to “Things that are bullshit”

  “Enough is enough” as a valid argument

  APRIL 18

  4:30 AM

  Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Wanting to be a better human being and finding a way to become a better human being are two very different things.

  “Acknowledging the problem is the first step in solving it” is only spoken by people who have actually solved their problems. I bet that plenty of people acknowledge their problem, never solve it, and therefore never say that dumbass thing about first steps.

  APRIL 19

  6:40 AM

  Reasons I’m telling Jill about my on-again, off-again, I’m-not-sure-again plan

  If I tell her, I won’t be able to do it.

  It won’t solve the problem, but I won’t be alone anymore.

  I would want to know.

  I think I would want to know.

  Jill is smarter than me and might have a solution.

  She loves me. I need to believe that.

  I can’t have a child and this secret. Those two things are too big. I only have room for one.

  APRIL 19

  9:15 AM

  Reasons I didn’t tell

  Jill wasn’t feeling well.

  I need Harry’s mushroom-and-onion pizza and her favorite iced tea on hand.

  I’m still afraid to lose her.

  Timing is everything.

  APRIL 19

  9:22 AM

  Addendum to Reasons I didn’t tell

  I want to do it even though I know I shouldn’t and won’t.

  APRIL 20

  2:15 AM

  911

  Don’t move Jill from bed

  Don’t move at all

  Turn on porch light or open garage

  Unlock front door

  Lock Clarence in bathroom

  Clear way for stretcher

  Keep calm

  Jill. Keep Jill calm.

  Five minutes or less

  No

  I can’t lose them.

  APRIL 20

  3:10 AM

  Ambulance ride

  Crowded

  No authenticity in the back of an ambulance. Everyone is way too positive.

  “Okeydokey” said three times

  Three tries for IV

  Didn’t drive fast enough

  APRIL 20

  4:50 AM

  To do

  Stay calm

  Everything is fine

  Try to be as calm as Jill

  Write down everything the doctor says (maybe record?)

  Call Steve to cover me (later)

  Call Jill’s principal (later)

  Shit. Let Clarence out of bathroom

  Wash bloody sheets

  Find a ride home when we’re all done here

  Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Time stands still at the hospital.

  The worst thing about the hospital is that you’re never the sickest person at the hospital, so you go from the absolute sickest person at home or in the ambulance to not even close, so you’re never the priority and always feel shitty for wanting to be the priority.

  APRIL 20

  5:03 AM

  Where is Jill?

  What is happening to Jill?

  I peed and now my wife is missing.

 
I also checked my email. And sent an email. But I wasn’t gone but five minutes.

  Fucking beds on wheels.

  APRIL 20

  5:45 AM

  Things I don’t understand

  Placental abruption

  Uterine lining

  Gestation

  Fetal heart rate abnormalities

  Partial tear

  Corticosteroids

  Premature labor

  What I do understand

  There are a lot of doctors here now.

  The doctors look worried.

  The doctors should fucking hide their worry.

  I’m afraid.

  I need to hide my fear.

  Jill is terrified.

  Jill might be the sickest person now.

  I can’t lose Jill.

  We can’t lose our baby.

  APRIL 21

  3:20 AM

  Worst Things Ever

  Waiting

  Not knowing

  Not existing

  APRIL 21

  6:07 AM

  Mistakes made

  Not calling for an ambulance right when the bleeding began

  Shouting at nurse

  Shouting at the other nurse

  Shouting, “Where’s my fucking wife?”

  Allowing the doctor to continue to explain when I couldn’t hear anymore

  Forgetting to call Jill’s boss

  Forgetting about Clarence (should’ve called Scott and Steph)

  APRIL 21

  8:40 AM

  Update

  Blood test and ultrasound positive

  “Positive” means the baby is okay (they should fucking say that up front)

  Goal is “to get to at least 30 weeks”

  Hospital for the duration of the pregnancy

  Constant bed rest

  IV required

  C-section when time comes

  What I heard

  I will be in constant fear until the baby is born.

  APRIL 21

  8:50 AM

  Placental abruption (according to Mayo Clinic via Google)

  Placental abruption occurs when the placenta partially or completely separates from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery.

  This can decrease or block the baby’s supply of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.

  Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, it endangers both the mother and baby.

  Bad shit that can happen because of a placental abruption

  FOR THE MOTHER, PLACENTAL ABRUPTION

  CAN LEAD TO:

  Shock due to blood loss

  Blood-clotting problems

  The need for a blood transfusion

  Failure of the kidneys or other organs resulting from significant blood loss

  Rarely, when uterine bleeding cannot be controlled, hysterectomy may be necessary

  FOR THE BABY, PLACENTAL ABRUPTION CAN LEAD TO:

  Restricted growth from not getting enough nutrients

  Not getting enough oxygen

  Premature birth

  Stillbirth

  Stillbirth (because they keep using words that I’m don’t entirely understand)

  “The birth of an infant that has died in the womb (strictly, after having survived through at least the first 28 weeks of pregnancy)”

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Stillbirth has a top 10 worst definitions ever.

  APRIL 21

  9:25 AM

  Update

  Jill would rather push a baby through her vagina than have it popped out of her abdomen by a doctor and somehow blames herself for not being able to deliver vaginally.

  Jill’s parents coming day after tomorrow

  Clarence somehow held it until Scott walked him (so not a complete asshole)

  Steve running store

  Kimberly pissed (texted me already)

  There is a Friendly’s on the first floor of the building across the street

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  The more a man gets to know a woman’s vagina, the more mysterious it becomes.

  APRIL 21

  9:45 AM

  Baby survival rates

  23 weeks: 20–35%

  24–25 weeks: 50–70%

  26–27 weeks: 90%

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  The Internet is a hellscape when it comes to medical information.

  APRIL 21

  10:07 AM

  Update

  Our baby is 24 weeks old.

  I had to ask.

  APRIL 21

  2:15 PM

  Mom’s visit

  Assumes all doctors are hiding something

  Assumes all nurses hate her (most do)

  “How is there no Starbucks in this hospital?”

  “Everything happens for a reason.”

  “Jake was easy-peasy, but, Dan … you fought me every step of the way. I pushed for hours. I was a saint that day.”

  Angry when I can’t answer a medical question

  “Why can’t they give you a better room?”

  “You can’t do this all yourself. You should put Clarence in a kennel.” (to me only)

  “Not happening.” (I can’t believe I said that)

  “What happens to your insurance when Jill is out of work?”

  Addition to “Things that are bullshit”

  “Everything happens for a reason.”

  APRIL 21

  4:20 PM

  Things to do

  Find out what happens to Jill’s insurance when she is out of work

  Bring stuff on Jill’s list to hospital

  Plan for Passover in the hospital (surprise Jill)

  Arrange for Scott or Steph to walk Clarence every afternoon

  APRIL 21

  11:15 PM

  New concerns

  Jill’s disability (40 days) plus sick days (126) will expire in 166 days (November 29)

  Jill’s health insurance will expire on November 29.

  The promised 12–24-month maternity leave is impossible now.

  The promised 12–24-month maternity leave was never really possible (and I didn’t realize it until just now).

  Unless Jill commits to returning to work on September 1, which will be impossible, we lose our health insurance.

  None of this is financially feasible.

  I’m fucked. We’re fucked. Jill just doesn’t know it yet.

  APRIL 22

  6:05 AM

  Changes with Jill in hospital

  Front door left unlocked overnight

  Nightmares

  No lights left on in empty rooms

  Quiet

  “Last one out of the bed makes the bed” no longer applies

  Clarence slept on the bed

  I ate in bed

  APRIL 22

  11:30 AM

  Letter from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

  No check enclosed

  “Thank you for writing…”

  “We are not in the position to grant to individuals”

  “You may wish to visit United Way’s free and confidential service across North America at…”

  “We wish you the very best.”

  Thoughts

  They actually wrote back to me.

  It was a long shot.

  It’s incredible how long shots can start to feel less long when you’re in trouble.

  I honestly thought I’d get something for my initiative.

  APRIL 22

  11:50 AM

  Why parallel parking is bullshit

  It’s a public performance.

  It’s expected that you can parallel park well.

  Even though it’s expected, people watch you do it.

  If you succeed, no one gives a damn.

  If you fail—or even need to adjust slightly—you’re a moron who no woman should ever have sex with again.

  No one care
s that your wife’s and baby’s lives are in danger and you’re running out of money and just trying to get a good spot so you can see your wife. You’re still expected to be able to parallel park effectively on the first try.

  APRIL 22

  2:00 PM

  Jill

  Relaxed

  Fragile

  Tired

  Jill’s words

  “I can’t believe I’m going to be here for weeks.”

  “You need to be nice to Clarence.”

  “Your shirt is on inside out.”

  “I need more snacks. I made a list.”

  “Please keep your mother away from me as much as possible.”

  “I don’t mind you sleeping at home, but they can put in a cot if you want to stay any nights.”

  “Work. Run the store. You work, and I’ll keep this baby alive.”

  Steve To-Do List

  Bank deposit procedure

  Book rep calendar

  Checkbook

  Duplicate keys

  Fire Kimberly

  Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  The person who has nothing in life except the desire to be the boss is the last person who should be the boss.

  Claiming that your inside-out polo shirt is an intentional fashion decision will never be believed.

  APRIL 22

  5:00 PM

  Level 2:

  Volkswagen Bug (less dust?)

  Level 3:

  Corvette (under car cover)

  Subaru Outback (green)

  Notes

  The dustcover on the Corvette makes it the best choice by far.

  I’m still not doing it but am apparently planning as if I’m doing it.

  APRIL 22

  5:20 PM

  How I trick myself into shoveling the snow in my driveway

  I’ll just do the stairs.

 

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