She asked to be the assistant manager.
She’s asked more than once.
She thinks we need monthly staff meetings and performance reviews.
She thinks David Sedaris is a “humorless twerp.”
She already calls me nine times a day for nonsense problems.
Jenny would quit.
Jenny would punch me in the face before quitting.
Steve would think even less of me.
It would become even harder to fire her.
APRIL 16
4:52 PM
New solutions
Sell the store
Promote Steve to manager and get a full-time job
Problems with new solutions
SELL THE STORE
No one would buy it
Even if I found a buyer, it would take months
I’d barely break even
PROMOTE STEVE TO MANAGER AND GET
A FULL-TIME JOB
Steve probably doesn’t want the job
I can’t pay Steve enough to make it worth his while
The only job I’m qualified to do is teach, and it’s midyear
Question
What the hell does “worth his while” mean? What’s Steve’s “while”?
Answer
Oh, it’s time. “While” is time. It’s not worth his time. Duh.
APRIL 16
8:35 PM
The only times when you’re allowed to leave a voicemail
Someone has unexpectedly died
You just won the lottery
Bruce Springsteen would like to speak to you
I’m calling from the future with information that can save the world
APRIL 17
4:30 PM
Words Steve said today
“Your father came into the store.”
“He said he was your father.”
“He wanted to talk to you.”
“He acted like I was lying when I said you weren’t here.”
“He bought a greeting card and a copy of The Martian and Something Missing.”
“He looked nervous.”
“Flannel shirt, I think. Jeans. Why?”
“Do you guys talk?”
“He left this for you.”
Possible reasons Dad came to the store
Needs money
Angry
Guilty
Dying
Possible things to say if I see Dad
“Nice flannel shirt.”
“Why are you here?”
“No, I called you last. I left a message. You never called back.”
“I think we both probably suck.”
“Sometimes it’s just easier to do the stupid thing than to do the hard thing.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you sorry?”
What I wish I could say to Dad
“I was a kid. I wasn’t supposed to be the one to hold things together. You were.”
“Divorce sucks, but I didn’t divorce you. Mom did.”
“Do you know how hard it is to call your father when you’re not sure if he really loves you?”
“Why?”
What I really wish I could say to Dad
“I wish I could be a little boy again, and I wish you could be my dad, because that loss will hurt me forever.”
APRIL 17
5:15 PM
Level 2:
Volkswagen Bug
Level 3:
Corvette (under car cover)
Subaru Outback (green)
Questions
If I said that I’m not doing it, why am I still inventorying the parking garage?
Is this how fatherhood works? If you’re not physically attached to the baby, the halo effects of the baby are temporary?
I’m still not doing it. Right?
APRIL 17
11:15 PM
Reasons for fighting with Jill tonight
She told my father about the baby.
She told my father about the store (he knew already).
She told my father that he should go see me.
She was the reason my father showed up at the store.
I’ll never know if he wanted to see me or was guilted into trying to see me.
Reasons Jill called my father
“You’re going to be a father.”
“Enough is enough.”
“Men are stupid.”
“It’s my kid too, and I want it to know its grandfather.”
“I couldn’t stand the thought of him suddenly dying and you regretting not seeing him for the rest of your life.”
Addition to “Things that are bullshit”
“Enough is enough” as a valid argument
APRIL 18
4:30 AM
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Wanting to be a better human being and finding a way to become a better human being are two very different things.
“Acknowledging the problem is the first step in solving it” is only spoken by people who have actually solved their problems. I bet that plenty of people acknowledge their problem, never solve it, and therefore never say that dumbass thing about first steps.
APRIL 19
6:40 AM
Reasons I’m telling Jill about my on-again, off-again, I’m-not-sure-again plan
If I tell her, I won’t be able to do it.
It won’t solve the problem, but I won’t be alone anymore.
I would want to know.
I think I would want to know.
Jill is smarter than me and might have a solution.
She loves me. I need to believe that.
I can’t have a child and this secret. Those two things are too big. I only have room for one.
APRIL 19
9:15 AM
Reasons I didn’t tell
Jill wasn’t feeling well.
I need Harry’s mushroom-and-onion pizza and her favorite iced tea on hand.
I’m still afraid to lose her.
Timing is everything.
APRIL 19
9:22 AM
Addendum to Reasons I didn’t tell
I want to do it even though I know I shouldn’t and won’t.
APRIL 20
2:15 AM
911
Don’t move Jill from bed
Don’t move at all
Turn on porch light or open garage
Unlock front door
Lock Clarence in bathroom
Clear way for stretcher
Keep calm
Jill. Keep Jill calm.
Five minutes or less
No
I can’t lose them.
APRIL 20
3:10 AM
Ambulance ride
Crowded
No authenticity in the back of an ambulance. Everyone is way too positive.
“Okeydokey” said three times
Three tries for IV
Didn’t drive fast enough
APRIL 20
4:50 AM
To do
Stay calm
Everything is fine
Try to be as calm as Jill
Write down everything the doctor says (maybe record?)
Call Steve to cover me (later)
Call Jill’s principal (later)
Shit. Let Clarence out of bathroom
Wash bloody sheets
Find a ride home when we’re all done here
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Time stands still at the hospital.
The worst thing about the hospital is that you’re never the sickest person at the hospital, so you go from the absolute sickest person at home or in the ambulance to not even close, so you’re never the priority and always feel shitty for wanting to be the priority.
APRIL 20
5:03 AM
Where is Jill?
What is happening to Jill?
I peed and now my wife is missing.
I also checked my email. And sent an email. But I wasn’t gone but five minutes.
Fucking beds on wheels.
APRIL 20
5:45 AM
Things I don’t understand
Placental abruption
Uterine lining
Gestation
Fetal heart rate abnormalities
Partial tear
Corticosteroids
Premature labor
What I do understand
There are a lot of doctors here now.
The doctors look worried.
The doctors should fucking hide their worry.
I’m afraid.
I need to hide my fear.
Jill is terrified.
Jill might be the sickest person now.
I can’t lose Jill.
We can’t lose our baby.
APRIL 21
3:20 AM
Worst Things Ever
Waiting
Not knowing
Not existing
APRIL 21
6:07 AM
Mistakes made
Not calling for an ambulance right when the bleeding began
Shouting at nurse
Shouting at the other nurse
Shouting, “Where’s my fucking wife?”
Allowing the doctor to continue to explain when I couldn’t hear anymore
Forgetting to call Jill’s boss
Forgetting about Clarence (should’ve called Scott and Steph)
APRIL 21
8:40 AM
Update
Blood test and ultrasound positive
“Positive” means the baby is okay (they should fucking say that up front)
Goal is “to get to at least 30 weeks”
Hospital for the duration of the pregnancy
Constant bed rest
IV required
C-section when time comes
What I heard
I will be in constant fear until the baby is born.
APRIL 21
8:50 AM
Placental abruption (according to Mayo Clinic via Google)
Placental abruption occurs when the placenta partially or completely separates from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery.
This can decrease or block the baby’s supply of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.
Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, it endangers both the mother and baby.
Bad shit that can happen because of a placental abruption
FOR THE MOTHER, PLACENTAL ABRUPTION
CAN LEAD TO:
Shock due to blood loss
Blood-clotting problems
The need for a blood transfusion
Failure of the kidneys or other organs resulting from significant blood loss
Rarely, when uterine bleeding cannot be controlled, hysterectomy may be necessary
FOR THE BABY, PLACENTAL ABRUPTION CAN LEAD TO:
Restricted growth from not getting enough nutrients
Not getting enough oxygen
Premature birth
Stillbirth
Stillbirth (because they keep using words that I’m don’t entirely understand)
“The birth of an infant that has died in the womb (strictly, after having survived through at least the first 28 weeks of pregnancy)”
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Stillbirth has a top 10 worst definitions ever.
APRIL 21
9:25 AM
Update
Jill would rather push a baby through her vagina than have it popped out of her abdomen by a doctor and somehow blames herself for not being able to deliver vaginally.
Jill’s parents coming day after tomorrow
Clarence somehow held it until Scott walked him (so not a complete asshole)
Steve running store
Kimberly pissed (texted me already)
There is a Friendly’s on the first floor of the building across the street
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The more a man gets to know a woman’s vagina, the more mysterious it becomes.
APRIL 21
9:45 AM
Baby survival rates
23 weeks: 20–35%
24–25 weeks: 50–70%
26–27 weeks: 90%
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The Internet is a hellscape when it comes to medical information.
APRIL 21
10:07 AM
Update
Our baby is 24 weeks old.
I had to ask.
APRIL 21
2:15 PM
Mom’s visit
Assumes all doctors are hiding something
Assumes all nurses hate her (most do)
“How is there no Starbucks in this hospital?”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Jake was easy-peasy, but, Dan … you fought me every step of the way. I pushed for hours. I was a saint that day.”
Angry when I can’t answer a medical question
“Why can’t they give you a better room?”
“You can’t do this all yourself. You should put Clarence in a kennel.” (to me only)
“Not happening.” (I can’t believe I said that)
“What happens to your insurance when Jill is out of work?”
Addition to “Things that are bullshit”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
APRIL 21
4:20 PM
Things to do
Find out what happens to Jill’s insurance when she is out of work
Bring stuff on Jill’s list to hospital
Plan for Passover in the hospital (surprise Jill)
Arrange for Scott or Steph to walk Clarence every afternoon
APRIL 21
11:15 PM
New concerns
Jill’s disability (40 days) plus sick days (126) will expire in 166 days (November 29)
Jill’s health insurance will expire on November 29.
The promised 12–24-month maternity leave is impossible now.
The promised 12–24-month maternity leave was never really possible (and I didn’t realize it until just now).
Unless Jill commits to returning to work on September 1, which will be impossible, we lose our health insurance.
None of this is financially feasible.
I’m fucked. We’re fucked. Jill just doesn’t know it yet.
APRIL 22
6:05 AM
Changes with Jill in hospital
Front door left unlocked overnight
Nightmares
No lights left on in empty rooms
Quiet
“Last one out of the bed makes the bed” no longer applies
Clarence slept on the bed
I ate in bed
APRIL 22
11:30 AM
Letter from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation
No check enclosed
“Thank you for writing…”
“We are not in the position to grant to individuals”
“You may wish to visit United Way’s free and confidential service across North America at…”
“We wish you the very best.”
Thoughts
They actually wrote back to me.
It was a long shot.
It’s incredible how long shots can start to feel less long when you’re in trouble.
I honestly thought I’d get something for my initiative.
APRIL 22
11:50 AM
Why parallel parking is bullshit
It’s a public performance.
It’s expected that you can parallel park well.
Even though it’s expected, people watch you do it.
If you succeed, no one gives a damn.
If you fail—or even need to adjust slightly—you’re a moron who no woman should ever have sex with again.
No one care
s that your wife’s and baby’s lives are in danger and you’re running out of money and just trying to get a good spot so you can see your wife. You’re still expected to be able to parallel park effectively on the first try.
APRIL 22
2:00 PM
Jill
Relaxed
Fragile
Tired
Jill’s words
“I can’t believe I’m going to be here for weeks.”
“You need to be nice to Clarence.”
“Your shirt is on inside out.”
“I need more snacks. I made a list.”
“Please keep your mother away from me as much as possible.”
“I don’t mind you sleeping at home, but they can put in a cot if you want to stay any nights.”
“Work. Run the store. You work, and I’ll keep this baby alive.”
Steve To-Do List
Bank deposit procedure
Book rep calendar
Checkbook
Duplicate keys
Fire Kimberly
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The person who has nothing in life except the desire to be the boss is the last person who should be the boss.
Claiming that your inside-out polo shirt is an intentional fashion decision will never be believed.
APRIL 22
5:00 PM
Level 2:
Volkswagen Bug (less dust?)
Level 3:
Corvette (under car cover)
Subaru Outback (green)
Notes
The dustcover on the Corvette makes it the best choice by far.
I’m still not doing it but am apparently planning as if I’m doing it.
APRIL 22
5:20 PM
How I trick myself into shoveling the snow in my driveway
I’ll just do the stairs.
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 14
