A greeting card is admittedly not a weapon under any circumstances.
No return address. Mailed to me at the store. Fucking camouflaged.
Probably not intentionally camouflaged, but still, I opened it not knowing what it was.
“I’m not sure why you haven’t answered my letters. I can only assume that you’re still hurting. If so, that’s fair.”
Proud of my success with the bookstore. “So happy” for me and Jill on the pregnancy.
“I hope you’ll let me see the baby. Someday if not sooner.”
“It’s hard to be a father, Danny. I know you’ll be a better father than I ever was, but it’s not easy. I’m not making excuses. Not even asking for forgiveness. I just want you to know that being a father is hard, and I wasn’t tough enough. Not brave enough. Not willing to do whatever it took to make sure you and Jake were okay. At least my failure can be a lesson for you.”
Sounds so sad. I’m so glad that he’s sad because sadness is so much better than indifference.
Says that getting to know Jake Jr. has been a blessing. “A blessing for me, and I hope for Jake, too.”
“Men can be mules. Stubborn as hell. It’s easy to do nothing, but your Jill opened the door, Danny. I hope you won’t close it.”
“Be prepared, Danny. Stand strong for your child in a way I never did. Do whatever needs to be done to keep that child safe and happy. Let my failure as a father be my only lesson to you.”
MAY 11
5:12 PM
Thoughts
I’m so mad at Jill.
Jill has chosen the perfect time for me to be angry with her. I can’t exactly give her hell while she’s lying in a hospital bed, trying to keep our baby alive.
I’m so mad at my father.
I love this card so much.
“I wasn’t tough enough. Not brave enough. Not willing to do whatever it took to make sure you and Jake were okay.”
“Do whatever needs to be done to keep that child safe and happy.”
This is the first advice I’ve received from my father in a long, long time, and it feels so good.
I’m doing it. Dad is right. Whatever it takes. I have no choice.
MAY 12
8:45 PM
Thoughts while Jill sleeps
Making big, daring bets on your future is nothing new. Entrepreneurs do it all the time. Sometimes they go bust. Sometimes they found Apple and Amazon and Google.
It’s crazy how confident I feel about this.
Maybe it’s all the drugs in here. Osmosis.
I haven’t felt confident in so long.
Some people are good at what they do every day. Always confident. I can’t imagine.
Maybe it’s not confidence. Maybe it’s just hope. The absence of hopelessness.
Red from Shawshank Redemption said “hope is a dangerous thing.” It can “drive a man insane.” But Andy said that “hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” I don’t know who is right.
Forrest Gump had a similar problem. Do we have a destiny, or is life random? Forrest says maybe both, which is a damn cop-out. It can’t be both, dumbass. But Forrest wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, so I can forgive him.
Is the baby asleep too?
Do babies dream?
Will The Shawshank Redemption and Forrest Gump be stupid, old-timey movies by the time this baby is old enough to watch them?
Are babies afraid? Can you be afraid if you only know one thing?
I’m glad the baby doesn’t know how much trouble its parents are in.
Why doesn’t Jill ever eat her Jell-O?
Why am I worried that a nurse is going to judge me for eating food that wasn’t meant for me?
MAY 12
9:30 PM
Idea:
Run up to a couple on a first date and say to the man, “Listen to me. She’s the one. Don’t let her get away. I’m from the future. You have to trust me.” Then look around like I’m being watched. Turn and say, “I have no time.” Then run away.
MAY 12
10:20 PM
Here’s what I think:
Hope is a good thing if you have it, and a dangerous thing if you don’t. If there is real, honest-to-goodness hope, Andy is right. “Hope is the best of things.”
But if hope is nothing more than wishful thinking, a pipe dream, Red is right. It will “drive a man insane.”
I have hope now. Real hope. That is why I feel so good right now. Even a bad idea is better than no idea at all.
MAY 13
12:15 PM
Test Run #1 (9 days)
West Hartford Town Hall auditorium
Rear exit of stage (unlocked) to hallway (always unlocked?)
OPTION 1: RIGHT TURN TO LOBBY AND MULTIPLE EXITS (75 STEPS)
Exits onto back parking lotMetered lot
Parking spots within 20 feet of exit
Exits onto Main Street and Raymond Road
OPTION 2: LEFT TURN TO STAIRWELL AND SINGLE EXIT (80 STEPS)
Exits onto Main Street, West HartfordChurch to the right
Movie theater, library, shops, restaurants to the left
Shops across the street
Metered parking on the street
Questions/Problems
The police station is two blocks away. Response time will be quick.
I can’t rehearse the actual robbery.
I hate the word “robbery.” It’s not like that.
I suck at improvisation.
I suck at confrontation.
I suck at aggression.
I don’t have a gun. I don’t want to use a gun.
What does a Friday night in West Hartford Center look like?
MAY 14
12:25 PM
Thing I won’t ever do
Send my kid to the dictionary to spell a word
Stare at my phone while my kid is talking to me
Go one day without saying “I love you” to my child
Ride in the back seat with my child like infantilized bubble wrap
Fight with my kid over clothing choices
Force my kid to eat broccoli. Or yams. Fucking yams.
Raise my voice without at least apologizing for being an asshole later
Deny my child ice cream when the temperature exceeds 95 degrees
Allow my child to sleep in my bed on a regular or even semi-regular basis. Never, really. Damn these parents and their kids in their beds.
MAY 14
7:40 PM
My shortcomings
I have a limited palate.
I have an unreasonable fear of needles.
All of my closest friends are the husbands of Jill’s friends.
I don’t have any truly close friends.
I become angry and petulant when told what to wear.
I can form strong opinions about things that I possess a limited knowledge of and are inconsequential to me.
I am unable to make the simplest of household or automobile repairs.
I would rarely change the sheets on my bed if not for my wife.
I eat ice cream too quickly.
I procrastinate when it comes to tasks that require the use of the telephone.
I am uncomfortable and ineffective at haggling for a better price.
I take little pleasure in walking.
Sharing food in restaurants annoys me.
My hatred for meetings of almost any kind cause me to be unproductive, inattentive, and obstructionist.
Disorganization and clutter negatively impact my mood, particularly when I cannot control the clutter myself.
I have a difficult time respecting someone’s accomplishments if they benefited from economic privilege in their life.
I leave my credit card at restaurants far too often.
MAY 15
12:15 PM
Dad’s letter #1
Written April 1, 2017
I’m sorry.
I’m a
wful.
Can we talk?
Nine sentences long
MAY 16
3:05 PM
Business Insider’s “9 Unfair Advantages That Help People Get Ahead”
A need for little sleep
Nurturing parents
An inclination to optimism
A photographic memory
Physical attractiveness
The ability to resist temptation
Charm
Connections
The ability to selectively ignore people’s feelings
My only advantage
The ability to selectively ignore people’s feelings (I think they meant this in a less asshole-ish way than the way it manifests in me)
MAY 17
6:15 AM
Alternatives to a gun
Knife
Bomb threat
MAY 17
8:00 AM
I wish
I was still a below-average teacher with a paycheck and insurance
I could tell someone about my plan
Jill and the baby were safe
I had invested in an index fund 20 years ago
I had called Dad a long time ago
MAY 17
8:07 AM
People who I would love to tell about my plan if I could, in order
Steve
Bill
Dad
Jill
MAY 18
7:45 PM
Level 3:
Corvette (under car cover)
Subaru Outback (green)
MAY 19
7:10 AM
Bill’s phone call
“The phone works both ways, asshole.”
Longest pause.
“I’m sorry. Baby shit is scary.”
Offered to help in any way possible half a dozen times.
“Fuck bingo. Take care of your wife, numb nuts.”
Hartford Baking Company. Tomorrow. 9:00 AM.
MAY 19
11:40 PM
Field & Stream’s “Rules of Gunfighting”
Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive.
Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell “Fire!” Why “Fire”? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then [sic] to lose concentration and will.… and who is going to summon help if you yell “Intruder,” “Glock” or “Winchester?”
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on “pucker factor” than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
Stretch the rules. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work. “No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy.”
Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don’t drop your guard.
Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That’s how you live if hit in your “good” side.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don’t (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than “4”.
Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. “All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket.” At a practice session, throw your gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, “He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m very upset now. I can’t say anything more. Please speak with my attorney.”
Finally, Drill Sergeant Frick’s Rules For Un-armed Combat.
Never be unarmed.
MAY 20
12:20 AM
Actual rules of a gunfight that apply to my plan (which won’t include a gun)
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work. “No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy.”
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don’t drop your guard.
Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
Truth
I may need a gun.
MAY 20
9:20 AM
Bill
Knows the names of every employee at the Baking Company.
“This place is good because it doesn’t know it’s good.”
Knows woman named Rachel who uses this place as her office.
Smiled at the foam heart in his latte. A real smile.
Remembered Jill’s name.
I forgot his wife’s name (April).
“Is she stressed? Because stress is bad for babies.”
Didn’t ask if I was stressed.
“A C-section is hard. You’ll need to be all hands on deck. No fucking around.”
“Henry was born via C-section.”
“He was my son.”
“He died when he was twelve. Fucking leukemia.”
Bill is a Vietnam veteran whose son died of cancer and whose wife was murdered, and he smiles at foam hearts in lattes. How is all of this possible?
“Every day is a blessing. Don’t forget that.”
I think Bill might actually believe this.
He wants to visit with Jill. I think this is a great and terrible idea.
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
We undoubtedly underestimate people on an everyday basis.
A person who uses a coffee shop as their office is either running away from something at home or sees work as a performative, attention-seeking process.
MAY 20
7:10 PM
Scariest names
Luther
Brutus
Kevin
Marcos
Adolf
Carol
Butch
Maurice
MAY 21
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4:05 AM
Dad’s letter #2
Written July 18, 2016
Building a pergola behind his house
Thinking about retiring
Doesn’t attend church anymore
Two cats. Mildred and Olga.
“I want to know you. I want you to know me.”
“I’m sorry” three times
MAY 21
5:07 AM
Update
Pergola: an archway consisting of a framework covered with trained climbing or trailing plants.
I couldn’t build a pergola in a million years.
I’ve never used a saw. Never poured concrete.
Also, I don’t get it. Why not build something with an actual roof?
MAY 21
5:55 AM
Thoughts
I can’t build a pergola because my father disappeared from my life when I was a little boy.
I shouldn’t be angry that my father can build a pergola and I can’t, but I am.
Why do we care so much about someone who provided the genetic material for our existence but little else?
Why do we care so much about someone who we provided the genetic material for their existence but little else?
MAY 21
7:10 AM
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
You have to admire a person who understands the value of well-named pets.
MAY 22
9:20 AM
Annoying people
Anyone who insists on reminding us that tomatoes are actually a fruit
People who sleep in socks
People who say, “Did you read my tweet?” or “Did you read my Facebook post?” instead of just saying their tweet or post out loud.
MAY 23
11:45 AM
Stupid baby names
Sarah and Sara (if you have to clarify the spelling for the rest of your life, it’s a bad name)
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 16
