7:45 AM
Cassidy Peter Mayrock
“How about Peter instead of Alice?”
Didn’t plan on saying it. Just came out.
It felt like the rightest thing I did that day.
Jill cried.
I cried.
Nurse liked Alice better.
Bitch
MAY 28
7:55 AM
The truth about Peter
Jill is Jill because of Peter.
I will never be Peter.
I will always be Dan.
I can love Peter because Peter loved Jill.
I can love Peter because Jill loved Peter.
Loving Peter changes everything.
Loving Peter feels right.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The arrival of a baby makes everything seem harder and everything seem easier at the same time.
MAY 28
8:35 AM
Cassidy Peter Mayrock
Tiny
Beautiful
Looks like a fucking genius
Looks like an old lady
How the hell did the cavemen keep a baby alive without plumbing, garbage disposals, vending machines, and soap?
Why do I cry every time I look at my daughter in that little plastic incubator?
“My daughter” are the two heaviest words in the world.
Somehow, some way, a three-pound bundle of flesh and bone has made everything clear. Wiped away all of my problems and given me a brand-new set of problems. But better problems. The right problems.
MAY 28
10:20 AM
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
It’s easier to be naked to the world when a child is depending upon you for health and happiness.
MAY 28
12:05 PM
Bill
“Wow. You know how to dial a phone.”
“Mazel tov!”
He learned “Mazel tov” just for Jill. So he says.
“Peter? Her middle name is Peter? Is that some Millennial bullshit?”
Other “Millennial bullshit” names in Bill’s estimation: Sawyer, Dylan, Arlo, Cameron
“I think you did a lot of growing up since I last saw you.”
“Your car? Why your car? What’s wrong with the coffee shop?”
MAY 28
12:45 PM
What I want to tell Bill
Everything
What I’ll really tell Bill
I’m running out of money.
I robbed a bingo hall.
I robbed mostly old ladies.
I’ve never done anything like this before.
I hid the money in a Corvette parked in the garage across the street.
I want to return the money.
I wanted to return the money one second after seeing my daughter for the first time.
I need your help.
What I won’t tell Bill
It felt good to do something well.
It felt good to feel brave.
A tiny part of me wants to do it again.
I’m a badass motherfucker.
Kind of.
MAY 28
1:30 PM
19 Questions from Bill
Why the fuck are we sitting in the car when a perfectly good coffee shop is sitting in front of us?
What?
Can you say that one more time?
What kind of fucking moron are you?
Did you use a gun?
Who the fuck is Marcos?
That worked?
You’re serious?
Jaws? The fucking shark?
How much did you get?
You don’t know?
That’s it?
Why do you keep writing?
Do you have any idea how stupid you are?
How do you know the guy who owns the Corvette hasn’t found the money?
Dust? Your whole plan depends on a layer of dust?
What do you expect to do?
Why me?
Robbing bingo halls is stupid, but now that you have the money, why not keep it?
MAY 28
3:15 PM
Other things I didn’t tell Bill
I’m more afraid about returning the money than I was while I was stealing it.
I almost hope that the Corvette owner found the money so it’s out of my hands.
Bill is my only real friend.
MAY 28
3:35 PM
Important questions
Did the Corvette owner find the money?
If so, did he/she alert the police?
Did the police find the money?
If so, are they watching the Corvette? Waiting for me?
MAY 28
4:30 PM
Bill’s plan
Gloves.
Reacquire duffel.
Transfer money from old duffel to new duffel.
Write note explaining the situation.
Drop new duffel of money into outdoor library book drop.
“Now write this down in your little book. In capital letters. IDIOT FUCKING DAN DOES NOTHING AND LIKES IT.”
MAY 28
4:40 PM
Letter
Please contact police.
Money stolen during the Daughters of the American Revolution bingo robbery.
Taken in a moment of stupid panic.
There was no Marcos, so don’t arrest some innocent Marcos.
Sorry.
MAY 28
4:50 PM
Questions
Will Bill still be my friend after this is finished?
Do I tell Jill?
Do I ever tell Jill?
Do I ever tell Cassidy?
MAY 28
5:10 PM
Worst Things Ever
Waiting
Not knowing
Not existing
MAY 28
5:12 PM
Bill’s “You listen to me” orders
Don’t tell anyone anything.
Don’t do anything stupid.
Don’t do anything until I tell you.
Never make a decision unless you have no other choice. Waiting is always the best decision.
You need to learn to ask for help, for fuck’s sake. Sit there and think about that.
Make yourself a list of all the shit you could’ve done instead of committing a felony.
Ask yourself why you sit there with a pad and paper or your goddamn phone and make so many lists and then do something so stupid.
You’re not a bad man. Not even a stupid man. Just a desperate man.
Relax. You did the hard part. You stole the fucking money. I just need to return it.
Fucking Hindsight
Asking Mom or Jake for money is always better than committing a felony.
Asking Bill for advice is always better than committing a felony.
Husbands of pregnant wives and fathers of unborn children should not commit felonies.
Telling your wife the truth is always better than committing a felony.
That was insane.
That was also incredible.
I know why Danny Ocean keeps robbing casinos. It’s not for the money.
Addendum
Telling your wife the truth is almost always better than committing a felony except when she was married to a man who was better than you and who died.
MAY 28
5:15 PM
Why I write lists
I don’t want to not exist.
Not for the world.
Not for the future.
Not for my children.
Not for my daughter.
I want something permanent.
Something that can outlast me.
I want my daughter to always know me.
I don’t want to become my father.
I don’t want to become my father.
Fuck.
I write lists so I won’t stop existing like my father stopped existing for me.
Fuck.
MAY 28
5:16 PM
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Adults spend their lives unwinding their childhood.
Even when our parents leave us behind, they never really leave us behind. They continue to influence everything we do, even when we can’t see it.
So many of us are Luke Skywalker to some degree, confronting the failures of our parents.
Not existing is just the first of many things to fear from death.
MAY 28
5:30 PM
Contingency plan if Bill is caught
I confess to Jill.
I confess to the police.
If I confess to the police
I go to prison.
I lose Jill.
I lose Cassidy.
I lose the bookstore.
Jill and Cassidy have no one to support them.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Sometimes the morally correct decision is not so morally correct when the survival of others is involved.
MAY 28
5:41 PM
New plan
Call Bill.
Abort.
Leave the money in the Corvette.
End of plan.
MAY 28
5:42 PM
Reasons why Bill might not be answering his phone
Arrested
Turned off phone
Left phone in car
Saw that it was me so didn’t pick up
MAY 28
5:49 PM
He knows I’m waiting. Wondering. Why isn’t he answering?
I allowed an old man to aid and abet in my crime.
What the hell was I thinking?
What the hell does “abet” mean?
Why am I only imagining the worst?
I’ve made a bad thing so much worse.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Nothing makes a person appear more desperate than placing multiple missed calls to another human being.
MAY 28
5:56 PM
Is Bill the kind of person who feels compelled to answer calls and texts immediately, or respond when it’s convenient to him?
I am the kind of person who feels compelled to answer calls and texts immediately. This is both depressing and not surprising.
He can’t just ignore 14 missed calls even if he’s the kind of person I wish I could be. Right?
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
You don’t really know a person until you know their personal phone etiquette.
MAY 28
6:02 PM
Truths
I involved Bill because I was afraid.
Not brave.
This is my pergola.
It’s a shitty pergola, and I’ve fucked it up.
MAY 28
6:06 PM
Options
Wait.
Drive to parking garage and stop him before he recovers the money (if he hasn’t already).
Continue to call and text Bill like a crazy person.
MAY 28
6:16 PM
He’s been arrested.
The police were watching the car.
I know it.
Of course they were watching the car. Why wouldn’t they be watching the car?
Why was it so fucking important to return money to a bunch of lady bingo players?
I can’t let Bill go to jail.
I can’t go to jail.
Fuck.
MAY 28
6:22 PM
Truths
I wasn’t afraid of fighting Jimbo Powers that day. I was afraid of hurting Jimbo Powers that day.
I’m a conflict-averse people-pleaser. I always have been.
Now I’ve hurt Bill.
MAY 28
6:24 PM
What I’ll say
Bill didn’t know that I was robbing the bingo.
He called me a fucking moron for doing it.
His wife was murdered and his son died of cancer and he’s a Vietnam veteran. You can’t arrest him. He’s had enough.
It’s my fault.
He was just trying to save a fucking moron.
What I won’t say
He’s my best friend.
He’s my only real friend.
Please don’t let me hurt him.
MAY 28
6:27 PM
The phone call
“You owe me $137.”
$100 left behind in Corvette for broken window “even though the insurance company will cover it.”
$33 for new duffel
$4 for parking
“Yes, I’m okay. Do you think I’d be going over your debt if I weren’t?”
“You’re right. You owe me a hell of a lot more than $137.”
Lecture. Long.
Called me (at various moments) stupid, idiotic, dangerous, reckless, a fucking moron, asshole, infantile, ballsy. Also, “You got guts.”
“Are you crying?”
I was crying.
“Alone? Who said you’re alone? You got Jill. Family. Me. Those folks at your store. You say the stupidest things sometimes.”
“What are you doing for money now that you’ve thrown 20K away?”
“Will he say yes?”
“Go see your wife when it’s done, dummy.”
“I love you, you stupid, fucking, asinine moron.”
MAY 28
7:15 PM
My offer to Steve
$30K for half of the business (inventory included)
36 months to pay off debt
50/50 partnership
He fires Kimberly
Steve’s counter offer
$20K for half the business (inventory included)
Immediate cash payment
50/50 partnership
PLUS …
$5K for half of diaper and thank-you note business
50/50 partnership
Immediate payment
He fires Kimberly
MAY 28
7:50 PM
Luck
Money still in Corvette
Bill loves me
Steve likes me
Left notes/sketches for diaper and thank-you note ideas on desk for Steve to see
I didn’t end up in jail
Bill didn’t end up in jail
Cassidy is tiny but okay
Jill loves me
I figured out a lot of shit
MAY 28
8:40 PM
What I told Jill
I brought you Harry’s pizza.
We’re running out of money.
I’m not smart enough when it comes to business.
I’m taking Steve on as a full partner in the bookstore.
We’re also going 50/50 on my diaper and thank-you note ideas.
I’m so sorry.
What I didn’t tell Jill
I robbed a bingo hall of more than $20,000 and then returned it the next day with the help of an old man who I met in the bingo hall who loves me and is my first real friend in a long time.
What Jill told me
“You’re plenty smart. Taking Steve on as a partner is brilliant.”
“I can go back to work sooner. You don’t need to shoulder the whole load.”
“We have a daughter and each other. Everything else is bullshit.”
“Spend the night here. I’ll make room. I want you next to me. We can make out a little.”
MAY 28
10:05 PM
21 Truths About Love
Real love means always being good enough in the eyes of the person who loves you most but never being good enough for them in your own eyes.
One of the best parts of love is the sexy naked rumpus.
Holding hands—depending on the circumstances—can be almost as good as the sexy naked rumpus.
Love is allowing the most barbaric nature of your loved one to go unmentioned. Even if it me
ans allowing folded clothes to sit in hampers for fucking years.
Saying “I love you” for the first time is like leaping off a cliff, hoping to God that she catches you.
True romantic love is the willingness to share a toothbrush.
People like to say that there are days when you sometimes hate the people who you love the most, but that is fucking bullshit.
To truly love someone, you must love the person you never knew, the person you know today, and the person that will someday be.
Love does not make everything better, but it makes everything a little easier.
We lie to the people we love the most to protect them from the worst parts of ourselves, which is true but also fucking bullshit.
Love is the fear that your spouse will die before you and leave you all alone while simultaneously and equally fearing that you will die first and leave your spouse alone. Essentially love demands that you are both killed simultaneously and instantaneously by a small asteroid that you never saw coming.
You can’t help but love your wife a little bit more when she is topless.
Love at first sight is probably bullshit, but love at 19 or so minutes is completely legit.
When you send a text that says “I love you” and the response isn’t an emoji but actual words, properly punctuated, you know that love is absolute.
Love is walking naked through a cold bedroom in mid-January and not worrying that your penis isn’t looking its best self.
Love means making promises you can’t possibly keep and then fighting to the death and the dirt to keep them.
“I love you” are three simple words that we whisper to lovers in the dark, say to dogs that don’t speak English, cry out during sex, speak to the dead while standing over their gravestones, tell parents before hanging up the phone, and repeat again and again to the people whose lives are gloriously intertwined with our own.
There might not be anything more exciting than an unexpected, knock-you-off-your-feet passionate kiss.
Loving another person means not needing their best self. Just their real self.
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 18
