The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

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The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series Page 79

by Helen Harper


  ‘I don’t care. I’m on a mission. I’m going to strangle that dratted cat.’

  ‘How are you even going to find him?’

  ‘I will find him if it takes me all night. He’s taken the Angel, I know he has. Clearly, he’s been playing the long game and has been planning to bring down the Order from the beginning. He’s hated me all along. He has a better vocabulary than I do but he’ll barely use five words when he speaks to me. The only reason he’s probably not shown his true colours until now is because he was waiting until he could bring down all witches, not just me. How do I know my cat is plotting to kill me? His damn name is Brutus and he’ll stab me in the back the second I’m not looking.’

  I heaved in a ragged breath and picked up speed, scanning the ground for paw prints or any sign of Brutus in the snow.

  ‘I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation…’

  Winter’s words barely registered. ‘How do you fancy roast cat for Christmas dinner this year instead of turkey?’

  ‘Ivy…’

  Just then I caught something flashing past from the corner of my eye. ‘There!’ I spun round, my slippers sliding on a patch of ice as I did so. I almost went flying onto my arse with my legs and arms akimbo but Winter caught me just in time. I grunted out a thank you before heading after what I was sure was Brutus.

  I ducked under a snow-laden bush and squeezed along a tiny path between two of the Order buildings. Not only was my own familiar responsible for all this crap but he was making me act like some kind of chubby Indiana Jones. Muttering and huffing, while I was sure Winter was trying not to chuckle behind me, I pressed on. There was a definitely a trail of paw prints to follow.

  I squeezed out of the narrow gap at the end of the alley, my eyes scanning the trail. The feline prints led to a small lean-to shed, barely noticeable against the clump of trees which hugged the wall of what I belatedly realised was where the small Department of Familiars was housed. Brutus was clearly trying to be ironic.

  Exhaling a cloud of angry breath, I had only taken three steps forward when the blasted cat himself appeared, snaking out from under a gap in the little shed’s wooden door. He turned his implacable yellow gaze in my direction and sat down, giving his ears a wash.

  ‘You freaking feline!’ I yelled. ‘You’re the one who took the damned Angel. Right? You bastard!’

  Brutus didn’t even blink. He did, however, stop licking himself, his tail flicking in irritation from side to side. ‘Mind your language. There are children present.’

  ‘Don’t patronise Winter, you sodding cat burglar!’

  Brutus sighed dramatically, his eyes flicking past me to where Winter was standing.

  Winter frowned. ‘Hmm.’ He walked past me, past Brutus and towards the shed, then fiddled with the lock until the door opened. I watched while he put his hands in pockets and stared inside with a frown.

  ‘Well?’ I demanded. ‘Is the Angel of the Order there?’

  For a moment, Winter didn’t answer. When he finally spoke, his voice was oddly strained. ‘I think you should come and see for yourself.’

  I glanced back at Brutus. He’d stopped waving his tail and was holding himself strangely erect. Warily, I stepped past him and peered past Winter’s shoulder into the gloom of the shed.

  High on a shelf the little silver statue of the Angel gleamed down at us, a peaceful benevolent expression on her frozen face. The snowflake ornament I’d seen Brutus steal was propped up next to her. ‘I knew it,’ I spat. I looked down at the floor. ‘And there’s the remnants of the cafeteria’s posh salmon.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘And look. That’s my scarf. He even took my damned scarf.’ At that moment the scarf moved. I blinked, my eyes adjusting to the dim light. In that moment I forgot all about the Angel. ‘Is that…?’

  ‘Meow.’ Two green eyes opened and gazed lazily up at me. I didn’t recognise their owner but she had the sort of sleek fur and intelligent expression that I knew Brutus went for.

  Winter knelt down and gently pulled away the rest of the scarf. There, hiding underneath, were five kittens. They were all curled up asleep against their mother’s belly. They were absolutely tiny.

  Something brushed against my leg. I looked down to see Brutus gazing up at me, a flicker of something akin to anxiety in his familiar yellow eyes.

  ‘They’re yours?’ I asked.

  His whiskers quivered. ‘They are.’

  ‘You took the salmon to feed your…’ Girlfriend? Wife? Baby mama?

  ‘I did.’

  ‘And you took my scarf to keep them comfortable.’

  ‘It’s warm. It smells of you.’

  Something pricked at the back of my eyes. Goodness. It must have been the cold weather getting to me.

  ‘And the Angel?’

  ‘It’s a symbol of protection.’ Brutus spoke gruffly.

  ‘So it is.’ I knelt down next to Winter and gazed at the litter. ‘Five kittens,’ I breathed. ‘Wow.’

  He put his arm round me. ‘Merry Christmas.’

  ‘Are we keeping them?’

  A low growl emitted from Brutus and Winter pressed his lips together as if to stop himself from laughing. ‘I suppose we are.’

  I tried and failed to imagine what it would be like having five mini-me Brutuses scampering around the house. Sure, they were tiny now but they’d grow. Their eyes would open up. They’d follow me around, snuggle up to Winter and me in the evening, play with balls of string and generally be as cute as could be.

  ‘Merry Christmas indeed,’ I murmured back.

  Just then one of the kittens stirred, wiggling around. It opened its mouth, obviously seeking its mother’s milk. ‘Food,’ it squeaked.

  The ginger kitten next to it woke up. ‘Food!’

  A heartbeat later all five of them were at it. ‘Food! Food! Food! Food! Fooooooooooood!’

  Brutus bared his teeth in what I assumed was a proud father’s beam and Winter and I exchanged glances. ‘We’re not going to get any peace ever again,’ I whispered in horror.

  He planted a big kiss onto my lips. ‘Maybe not,’ he grinned. ‘But there’ll be more than enough goodwill for all of us.’

  Brutus began to purr. ‘Happy Holidays.’

  There was a pause before he added with a hopeful wink, ‘Fooood?’

  Acknowledgments

  In 2016, I was lucky enough to be able to travel from Malaysia to the USA to attend a conference – and have a holiday. My best friend came along with me and, as we wandered out of a workshop, she remarked that it would be a great idea to have a series where the main character was very lazy. From that germ of an idea, Ivy Wilde was born. I had to partake in considerable research – lying on my sofa and binge watching television is a dirty job but someone had to do it. However, there are a whole host of other people who have helped to bring Adrianna’s idea alive.

  Huge thanks must go to Karen Holmes from 2QT for her sterling editing, as well as to Clarissa Yeo for her wonderful covers. For this series she mocked not one but two different sets which Facebook followers then voted on. If that was you, then thank you so much for your input! I have to also thank all my family and friends for their continued invaluable support. Without them, none of this would ever be possible.

  Finally, a special mention has to go to Scout, Mavis and Lara – three cranky Malaysian cats who have provided no end of inspiration for Brutus. If they could talk, I have no doubt about what they would say. Most of it would indeed involve foooooooood.

  About the Author

  After teaching English literature in the UK, Japan and Malaysia, Helen Harper left behind the world of education following the worldwide success of her Blood Destiny series of books. She is a professional member of the Alliance of Independent Authors and writes full time, thanking her lucky stars every day that's she lucky enough to do so!

  Helen has always been a book lover, devouring science fiction and fantasy tales when she was a child growing up in Scotland.


  She currently lives in Devon in the UK with far too many cats – not to mention the dragons, fairies, demons, wizards and vampires that seem to keep appearing from nowhere.

  Also by Helen Harper

  The FireBrand series

  A werewolf killer. A paranormal murder. How many times can

  Emma Bellamy cheat death?

  I’m one placement away from becoming a fully fledged London detective. It’s bad enough that my last assignment before I qualify is with Supernatural Squad. But that’s nothing compared to what happens next.

  Brutally murdered by an unknown assailant, I wake up twelve hours later in the morgue – and I’m very much alive. I don’t know how or why it happened. I don’t know who killed me. All I know is that they might try again.

  Werewolves are disappearing right, left and centre.

  A mysterious vampire seems intent on following me everywhere I go.

  And I have to solve my own vicious killing. Preferably before death comes for me again.

  Book One – Brimstone Bound

  Book Two – Infernal Enchantment

  Book Three – Midnight Smoke

  Book Four – Scorched Heart

  The WolfBrand series

  Devereau Webb is in uncharted territory. He thought he knew what he was doing when he chose to enter London’s supernatural society but he’s quickly discovering that his new status isn’t welcome to everyone.

  He’s lived through hard times before and he’s no stranger to the murky underworld of city life. But when he comes across a young werewolf girl who’s not only been illegally turned but who has also committed two brutal murders, he will discover just how difficult life can be for supernaturals - and also how far his own predatory powers extend.

  Book One – The Noose Of A New Moon

  The complete Blood Destiny series

  "A spectacular and addictive series."

  Mackenzie Smith has always known that she was different. Growing up as the only human in a pack of rural shapeshifters will do that to you, but then couple it with some mean fighting skills and a fiery temper and you end up with a woman that few will dare to cross. However, when the only father figure in her life is brutally murdered, and the dangerous Brethren with their predatory Lord Alpha come to investigate, Mack has to not only ensure the physical safety of her adopted family by hiding her apparent humanity, she also has to seek the blood-soaked vengeance that she craves.

  Book One - Bloodfire

  Book Two - Bloodmagic

  Book Three - Bloodrage

  Book Four - Blood Politics

  Book Five - Bloodlust

  Also

  Corrigan Fire

  Corrigan Magic

  Corrigan Rage

  Corrigan Politics

  Corrigan Lust

  The complete Bo Blackman series

  A half-dead daemon, a massacre at her London based PI firm and evidence that suggests she's the main suspect for both ... Bo Blackman is having a very bad week.

  She might be naive and inexperienced but she's determined to get to the bottom of the crimes, even if it means involving herself with one of London's most powerful vampire Families and their enigmatic leader.

  It's pretty much going to be impossible for Bo to ever escape unscathed.

  Book One - Dire Straits

  Book Two - New Order

  Book Three - High Stakes

  Book Four - Red Angel

  Book Five - Vigilante Vampire

  Book Six - Dark Tomorrow

  The complete Highland Magic series

  Integrity Taylor walked away from the Sidhe when she was a child. Orphaned and bullied, she simply had no reason to stay, especially not when the sins of her father were going to remain on her shoulders. She found a new family - a group of thieves who proved that blood was less important than loyalty and love.

  But the Sidhe aren't going to let Integrity stay away forever. They need her more than anyone realises - besides, there are prophecies to be fulfilled, people to be saved and hearts to be won over. If anyone can do it, Integrity can.

  Book One - Gifted Thief

  Book Two - Honour Bound

  Book Three - Veiled Threat

  Book Four - Last Wish

  The complete Dreamweaver series

  "I have special coping mechanisms for the times I need to open the front door. They’re even often successful..."

  Zoe Lydon knows there's often nothing logical or rational about fear. It doesn't change the fact that she's too terrified to step outside her own house, however.

  What Zoe doesn't realise is that she's also a dreamweaver - able to access other people's subconscious minds. When she finds herself in the Dreamlands and up against its sinister Mayor, she'll need to use all of her wits - and overcome all of her fears - if she's ever going to come out alive.

  Book One - Night Shade

  Book Two - Night Terrors

  Book Three - Night Lights

  Stand alone novels

  Eros

  William Shakespeare once wrote that, “Cupid is a knavish lad, thus to make poor females mad.” The trouble is that Cupid himself would probably agree…

  As probably the last person in the world who’d appreciate hearts, flowers and romance, Coop is convinced that true love doesn’t exist – which is rather unfortunate considering he’s also known as Cupid, the God of Love. He’d rather spend his days drinking, womanising and generally having as much fun as he possible can. As far as he’s concerned, shooting people with bolts of pure love is a waste of his time…but then his path crosses with that of shy and retiring Skye Sawyer and nothing will ever be quite the same again.

  Wraith

  Magic. Shadows. Adventure. Romance.

  Saiya Buchanan is a wraith, able to detach her shadow from her body and send it off to do her bidding. But, unlike most of her kin, Saiya doesn't deal in death. Instead, she trades secrets - and in the goblin besieged city of Stirling in Scotland, they're a highly prized commodity. It might just be, however, that the goblins have been hiding the greatest secret of them all. When Gabriel de Florinville, a Dark Elf, is sent as royal envoy into Stirling and takes her prisoner, Saiya is not only going to uncover the sinister truth. She's also going to realise that sometimes the deepest secrets are the ones locked within your own heart.

  The complete Fractured Faery series

  One corpse. Several bizarre looking attackers. Some very strange magical powers. And a severe bout of amnesia.

  It’s one thing to wake up outside in the middle of the night with a decapitated man for company. It’s another to have no memory of how you got there - or who you are.

  She might not know her own name but she knows that several people are out to get her. It could be because she has strange magical powers seemingly at her fingertips and is some kind of fabulous hero. But then why does she appear to inspire fear in so many? And who on earth is the sexy, green-eyed barman who apparently despises her? So many questions ... and so few answers.

  At least one thing is for sure - the streets of Manchester have never met someone quite as mad as Madrona…

  Book One - Box of Frogs

  SHORTLISTED FOR THE KINDLE STORYTELLER AWARD 2018

  Book Two - Quiver of Cobras

  Book Three - Skulk of Foxes

  The complete City Of Magic series

  Charley is a cleaner by day and a professional gambler by night. She might be haunted by her tragic past but she's never thought of herself as anything or anyone special. Until, that is, things start to go terribly wrong all across the city of Manchester. Between plagues of rats, firestorms and the gleaming blue eyes of a sexy Scottish werewolf, she might just have landed herself in the middle of a magical apocalypse. She might also be the only person who has the ability to bring order to an utterly chaotic new world.

  Book One - Shrill Dusk

  Book Two - Brittle Midnight

  Book Three - Furtive Dawn

 

  Helen Harper, The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

 

 

 


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