‘How long will she need to be on that machine?’ Shona’s anxiety was obvious.
‘It depends on how well she responds to the antibiotics and what her lung function looks like. We should have a better idea in a few hours.’
Those few hours stretched into a few more. Late that evening, Alice was taken to Theatre.
Pip, Shona and Toni accompanied the entourage as far as the theatre anteroom, where the anaesthetist and surgeon were waiting.
‘The good news,’ the surgeon said, ‘is that we’ll be able to do the division of the sphincter of Oddi at the same time, which should make sure nothing like this happens again. Toni, do you want to come in and observe?’
‘Yes. I’m on call but I don’t think I have any other patients who will need me for a while.’
‘Give your pager to one of the nurses. They can take any calls.’
Pip bent over the still unconsciousness Alice. She blinked back tears as she smoothed tendrils of fine hair from her daughter’s forehead and kissed her gently.
‘See you soon, hon,’ she whispered. ‘Love you.’
Pip and Shona went back to the ICU to wait. Shona eventually fell asleep in the armchair beside Alice’s empty bed. Pip paced until the night staff took pity on her, made her hot chocolate and suggested she try to watch a late movie on the television in the unoccupied relatives’ room.
‘It might distract you for a bit. We’ll come and let you know the second we hear anything.’
But it wasn’t the night staff who came to find Pip later as she sat staring at a blank television screen, her hot drink forgotten and cold. It was Toni.
‘It went well,’ he said as he sank wearily into the chair beside hers. ‘Everybody’s happy. She’s in Recovery for the moment but they’ll bring her back here soon.’
Pip started to get up. ‘I’ll go and tell Mum.’
Toni put his hand on her arm. ‘Shona’s asleep. I checked when I went looking for you. It might be a good idea to let her have a few minutes more rest, yes?’
Pip nodded and sat back again. ‘I still can’t believe this is happening,’ she said slowly. ‘We’re not out of the woods yet, are we?’
‘We’ll get there.’ Toni’s voice had that same reassuring note he had used with Alice when she’d arrived in the ED. ‘She’s stable. Her blood pressure has come up a little and there’s no deterioration in her lung function. We’ve just got to be patient and give the antibiotics a chance to get on top of things.’ He rubbed his temple with his fingers and closed his eyes for a moment.
‘You’re tired,’ Pip observed. ‘You wouldn’t be here all night like this if it wasn’t Alice, would you?’
‘I am on call.’ A half-smile appeared. ‘But even if I wasn’t, I would be here, Pippa. For you.’
‘I don’t deserve your support. And I don’t blame you for being angry with me. For wanting out.’
Toni opened his mouth as though to protest, but Pip didn’t give him the chance.
‘I thought I was doing the right thing. That it wasn’t the right time for us to talk. That I shouldn’t be putting any pressure on you if you didn’t want to be there.’
Toni opened his mouth but again, he didn’t get the chance to say anything as the words spilled from Pip.
‘The only thing I could do was try and repair the damage as far as Alice and I were concerned, but nothing helped. I don’t think it would have made any difference if you’d still been around or not. I’ve never done the right thing as far as Alice goes.’ Pip sighed unhappily. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been a good mother.’
‘You’re a wonderful mother,’ Toni said with conviction, as Pip finally paused. ‘I watched you with Alice when she was going into Theatre. I think that even unconscious she would have been aware of your love. It filled the room.’ His smile was poignant now. ‘I would have given anything to have my mother feel like that about me. I would have forgiven every forgotten birthday, every lonely night…everything.’
‘Alice isn’t about to forgive me. I feel like I’ve failed her. This shouldn’t be happening. She must have been feeling unwell for days. I noticed she was pale and not eating much and I put it down to her being so angry with me. How self-centred was that?’
‘You can’t blame yourself.’
Pip ignored the comfort. ‘I was always self-centred. I let Mum take over caring for her when she was a baby because it all seemed too hard.’
‘You were sixteen. No more than a child yourself.’
‘I was so scared of her,’ Pip admitted with a rueful smile. ‘I couldn’t even bath her because I was scared I’d drop her or drown her or something. She screamed every time I tried to dress her. It was weeks before I could even get her to take her bottle when I was holding it. We used to both sit there and cry.’
Toni took hold of Pip’s hand. ‘Wasn’t there someone there to help you?’
‘Of course. Mum was there for me every minute. Alice wouldn’t have survived otherwise.’ She loved the fact that Toni was there with her. Touching her. Holding her hand. But he’d probably be doing this for any distraught mother with a child in the intensive care unit, wouldn’t he?
‘No, I mean professional help. Your family doctor or someone.’
‘I didn’t have postnatal depression or anything. I just couldn’t cope.’
‘Are you sure about that? Sounds like it was a pretty miserable experience.’
Pip was silent for a moment. ‘I’ve never thought of that, even with the hindsight of medical training. When I have thought of that time, I decided I had made it the way it was. I felt like I’d failed Alice from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I hated it. The way people stared at me—knowing they knew far more about my private life than I wanted them to. I hated being fat but then I wanted to stay that way for ever because I was so terrified of actually having the baby. It must have contributed to the bad labour.’
‘It was really bad?’
‘Horrendous. I had a midwife who didn’t think much of teenage mothers. She told me to toughen up. That people had babies all the time without making the kind of fuss I was making. That I’d had my fun and now I could grow up and deal with the consequences.’
‘That’s appallingly unprofessional.’
‘That’s what the consultant thought when he was finally called in, thanks to Mum’s demands. I’d been in labour for about fourteen hours by then and I got terribly sick on entonox.’
‘The woman should have been fired.’
‘I think she was. Or she resigned when Mum made a formal complaint afterwards. The doctor was furious. I had marginal cephalopelvic disproportion. A trial labour shouldn’t have gone for more than about four hours. It was too late for a Caesarean by then but the forceps delivery was dreadful and I ended up going to Theatre anyway. I had a post-partum haemorrhage and lost so much blood I needed a transfusion. I didn’t even see Alice for three days.’
‘Hardly the best start to something you weren’t ready for anyway.’
‘I was so sure I could never face it again. I avoided childbirth during my training as much as I could. Even hearing the pain Stephanie was in today was enough to send a shiver down my spine.’
Toni was still holding her hand. His thumb traced a gentle circle on her palm. ‘I saw the way you were looking at that baby,’ he said slowly. ‘You looked…very sad.’
‘Did I?’ Pip had been trying to communicate the breakthrough in the way she felt about having another child. What message had Toni received? She had been sad for a second, though, hadn’t she? Thinking about never having the opportunity to see him holding his own baby. Her baby. ‘You looked so happy, Toni.’ Pip couldn’t help smiling. ‘You were born to be a father, I think.’
‘I would like to have my own family more than anything,’ Toni agreed. His hand tightened on Pip’s. ‘But—’
The door to the relatives’ room opening cut off what he was about to say.
‘Alice is on her way down,’ the nurse informed th
em. ‘And Shona’s awake. She’s asking where you are, Pip.’
What had Toni been about to say? Was he going to qualify his wishes by suggesting that Pip could be part of his future without having to give birth again? That they could adopt children or not have any at all? Or perhaps that he loved her but he understood that it was enough to make their relationship unworkable and therefore he would have to keep searching to find the mother for his children?
There had been no opportunity for Pip to explain how she’d really felt when she’d seen him holding Stephanie’s baby. That miraculous hope that she could put her past behind her and move on to a new life in more ways than one.
Right now, part of her past and her future was pulling her in. All Pip’s emotional energy had to be spent supporting Alice. If Toni was right, and there was even a possibility that Alice was aware of her love, then her daughter was going to have it—in spades—whether she was awake and responsive or not.
With the resilience of youth and the aid of antibiotics, Alice’s condition improved steadily over the next twelve hours. Her blood pressure crept up until it was within normal limits and the function of vital organs like her kidneys and lungs became acceptable enough to consider taking her off the ventilator.
Armed with a new sheaf of test results, Toni was making his way back to the intensive care unit early the next afternoon. Despite his lack of sleep, he had just completed a full ward round and was impatient to get back to the unit and pass on the good news. Annoyingly, the lift doors reopened before any upward movement but the latecomer was none other than Alice’s grandmother.
‘I went home for a few things,’ Shona told Toni. ‘Pip thought Alice might like her own pyjamas and music and old Ted.’ She showed him a battered soft toy on the top of the items in the bag she held.
Toni hit the button for the third floor. ‘I’m just on my way up to see Alice myself. The last blood tests are looking much better. I think we’ll be able to take her off the ventilator this afternoon and let her wake up.’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ For a moment the deep lines of anxiety on Shona’s face relaxed, leaving her looking drained and exhausted.
‘How are you holding up, Shona?’
‘I’m OK.’
‘Really?’
Shona smiled at the undercurrent of doubt in his tone. ‘Really.’ She patted his arm. ‘I think I’ll be around for a while yet, Toni.’
‘I certainly hope so.’
‘Yes.’ Shona adjusted her hold on the bag. ‘My girls still need me for a bit, I think.’
‘Of course they do.’
‘Not that I’m afraid of dying. Love has an amazing power to conquer fear.’ Shona was watching the numbers change on the lift floor display. ‘I believe my spirit is going to connect with Jack’s somehow. I’ve been missing him for thirteen years now, you know.’
‘You must have loved each other very much.’
Shona smiled again. A very private smile. She said nothing as the lift doors opened but gave Toni a very direct glance as they stepped out.
‘You look tired,’ she said. ‘Did you get any sleep last night?’
‘Not much.’
‘Have you eaten?’
‘Kind of.’
‘You need to look after yourself, Toni.’ The instruction was issued with all the sternness any mother would summon. Then she softened the tone. ‘My girls need you, too, you know, even if Alice doesn’t realise it yet.’
Toni stopped by the central desk in the unit to collect Alice’s notes as Shona went behind the glass wall that screened the area Alice occupied. He saw her hug Pip and then bend to kiss Alice. She took the teddy bear from the bag and tucked it gently under the covers so that Alice’s arm was over the toy.
For a moment it was hard to concentrate on filing the new test results and checking his conclusions on Alice’s progress.
Toni had been initially drawn into his relationship with Pip partly due to curiosity. He’d wanted to know why this small family unit worked when, on the surface, it had appeared to mirror some of the dysfunction of his own upbringing.
Now he knew what the difference was. The strength of the bond between the three generations of Murdoch women that held them together was love. A kind of love he had never had himself and had always wanted.
Marrying Pip would include him in that family. He would have a mother caring for him in the way Shona had just demonstrated she did. Sadly, it might not be for long but Toni would treasure every gesture.
He would gladly become a father for Alice. He could cope with any of the flak generated by any adjustments she needed to make in attitude and he knew they would win through in the end.
Both were compelling factors but they paled in comparison to the real reason Toni wanted to marry Pip. The insight he’d gained from their conversation last night had been enough to dismiss any lingering hurt from recent days. He understood why it was impossible for Pip to face the prospect of motherhood again. He’d seen the sadness in her face when she’d seen him holding that baby and realised it could be because she knew how important he’d always considered having his own children to be and that was something she didn’t feel capable of giving him. Had allowing Alice to force the break in their relationship at least partly been due to that belief?
He had to find a way to tell her she was wrong. Yes, he had wanted his own children. To be able to give them the kind of love the Murdoch family possessed. The kind he’d never had. But there was another kind of love that was even more powerful and that was what Toni wanted more than anything else.
He wanted to love Pippa. And to have her love him back.
CHAPTER TEN
ALICE was asleep.
Peacefully asleep, without the aid of sedation. The wires and tubes connecting her to the life support equipment had been left behind in the intensive care unit when Alice had been transferred to the paediatric ward a few hours ago.
Toni was somewhere on the ward, too, despite it being well past his expected working hours today. A case of suspected meningitis in a two-year-old girl had been rushed in and he was doing the lumbar puncture and supervising the start of an antibiotic regime himself. He’d been gone for nearly an hour and during that time the lights had been dimmed and the ward had settled into a relatively calm period. A time for rest and maintenance. A time to heal or prepare for what a new day would bring.
Shona was asleep in the armchair by the window but Pip sat on a much less comfortable chair pulled up right against Alice’s bed. She held her daughter’s hand as she slept and watched the steady drip of the fluid keeping a forearm vein open, ready to administer her continued antibiotics or more pain relief if Alice chose to press the button of the attached pump.
The small fingers tightened a little as Alice stirred in her sleep and Pip squeezed them gently. As tired as she was, she had no desire to sleep herself. She wanted to enjoy this feeling of peace. Of knowing that the crisis for Alice was over and that when she’d woken up that afternoon, she had accepted Pip’s presence as automatically as that of her grandmother. Her rejection of Pip appeared to have been forgotten.
Had being with her for every minute of this ordeal made a difference? Maybe, as Toni thought, Alice had been somehow aware it had been Pip caring for her alongside the medical staff. Smoothing salve onto dry lips, wiping her face gently with a warm, damp cloth. Talking to her. Singing endless repetitions of the ‘Ottipuss’ song.
Pip was humming it again now, which was enough to prevent the faint, fractious wail of a baby somewhere on the ward disturbing the bubble of contentment this private room contained. She was into the second chorus when Alice’s eyes opened.
‘Hi, hon.’ Pip smiled. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘OK, I guess.’
‘Are you sore? Do you need any medicine?’
‘My tummy hurts a bit.’
‘Press the button there. It’ll give you some more morphine.’
‘Will that make me go to sleep again?’
‘Am I going to get better, Mummy?’
‘Of course you are, hon. Really fast.’
‘I thought I was going to die. Like Nona.’
‘No.’ Pip wound her fingers tightly over Alice’s. ‘You’re going to be fine. And the operation you’ve had means that you probably won’t ever get those sore tummies again.’
‘Is Nona still going to die?’
‘Not for a while, I hope. She’s feeling quite a lot better at the moment. We’ll look after her.’
‘Where is she?’
‘Asleep. In the chair over there by the window.’
‘Where’s Toni?”
‘He’s here somewhere. There was a sick little girl he had to go and see.’
‘I’m a sick little girl.’
‘This one’s a lot sicker than you are now. She needed him. I expect he’ll come and see you again before he goes home. He’s been taking very good care of you.’
‘I don’t really hate him, you know.’
‘I know.’
‘You didn’t have to stop going out with him.’
‘I was trying to make things better for you.’
‘Will you go out with him again?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Don’t you want to go out with him again?’
Pip was silent for a moment. Alice was still a child in many ways. And for the first time, thanks to the trauma of the last few weeks, Alice felt completely her child. Somehow, during this period, Shona had relinquished her role of being Alice’s mother and, miraculously, Pip seemed to have stepped into the breach without failing as much as she’d thought she had.
There was still the extra dimension to their relationship, however. The friendly ‘sister’ component. And Pip could see that as a positive thing now. It would give them a closeness not many mothers would have with their daughters. Even so, how much should she tell her?
What was it Toni had said that time? That you have to do what feels right as a parent and that you can only do your best.
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