“Emmet, you look worried. How can I help you?”
He pulled over an empty bucket and tipped it over to sit at her knees. “What happened to my parents?”
She pressed a palm to her throat. “Oh, my. What a question.”
He waited as she stared out across the yard, sorrow and regret chasing across her face. Finally she sighed.
“I’ve always wondered how much you remembered. Was grateful you seemed to have forgotten. Yet I wondered if someday it would come back.”
“What would come back?”
She brought her gaze to his and looked deeply into his eyes. “What do you remember?”
He shook his head. “Very little. Something about a car accident. That’s all.”
Her eyes clouded, and she nodded her head. “They died following a car accident. You were with them.”
He jerked back. “I was?” A twisting road. Hills. His papa talking and laughing. “Papa liked his new car. He wanted to show Mama how well it handled on the road.”
She nodded and waited, letting him find his words.
All he found was a blank. “I don’t remember.”
“You realize I wasn’t there. I can only tell you what the neighbors who found you said.” At his encouraging nod, she went on. “Your father had indeed bought a new vehicle. Shiny and new. I suppose he wanted to take you both out for a drive. Or perhaps he had business in the next town. We’ll never know.”
Emmet remembered being excited. “We were going out for dinner at a restaurant.”
“I see.” She waited again, but still he remembered nothing. “The people said they didn’t know if he was going too fast, or swerved to avoid something. All they could say for sure was the car went off the edge of the road and rolled. Your mother was thrown out and hurt. Your father was hurt badly as well. You had some cuts and bruises.”
He glanced at the scars on his arm. Was that when he’d received them?
She touched the scars with her fingers. “It was a wonder that’s all you got.” Drew in a long breath. “Your father went for help and left you to watch your mother.” She paused. “When they returned with your father—” She choked and paused another beat. “You sat with your mother’s head in your lap. But she was gone.”
He nodded, the memory edging closer. “I didn’t know she was dead. I thought…I thought…” His throat tightened, and tears stung his nose. “I thought…” His voice fell to a whisper. “I was supposed to keep her safe. I thought I had.”
She nodded, tears trickling unchecked down her cheeks.
“Papa told me to keep her safe.” His father had pulled Mama from the rocks where she’d been tossed. He’d pressed back her hair and moaned. “Come here, boy.” Emmet staggered to his side, the pain in his limbs drowned by a clogging fear. Mama didn’t look like Mama. She looked like a beat-up doll.
“Sit here.” Papa shoved him down by Mama’s side. Lifted Mama’s head to Emmet’s lap. “I’m going for help. You take care of Mama. Don’t let her die.” He took a step away, then turned to speak to Emmet again. “Don’t you let her die. Hear? It’s your job to take care of her.”
“I tried.” He spoke aloud now.
Auntie May cupped her hand to his head. “There was nothing you could do.”
“Papa came back.”
All the time Papa was gone, he talked to Mama. “I’ll look after you. I’ll keep you safe.” Over and over he said the words. He didn’t know what else to do except pat her cheeks. “I’ll look after you.”
Papa limped back into sight, two men with him. Papa dropped down beside Mama. He called her. Shook her a little. Touched her cheek. Pressed his fingers to her neck. Then turned to Emmet. “She’s gone. She’s dead. I told you to look after her. What’s wrong with you? You failed me, boy. You failed me.”
One of the strangers pulled Papa away. “It’s not the boy’s fault.”
Papa wailed like an angry bull Emmet had once seen. It was a very frightening sound.
The other man pulled Emmet away from Mama. “No. I’ll take care of her. I will.” He fought the man to escape, but he couldn’t get away from this stranger.
Papa bellowed again. His eyes looked funny. He broke free of the constraining arms and knelt next to Mama. Tears flowed down his face. That frightened Emmet as much as holding Mama’s head. He’d never seen Papa cry. Didn’t know he could.
Papa lifted his tear-stained, gray-skinned face to Emmet’s. “You let me down, boy.”
Suddenly Papa fell to the ground. Emmet thought he wanted to lie down beside Mama. He wanted to die too. But the stranger took him away. Only later did he realize Papa had died as well, as seriously injured in the accident as Mama.
He hung his head and spoke quietly to Auntie May. “You knew Papa blamed me. That’s why you kept telling me it wasn’t my fault.”
She stroked his arm. “It wasn’t your fault. Your father was wrong to blame you. I was glad that you seemed to have blocked it from your mind.” She made shushing, comforting noises for a few minutes. “You didn’t remember it, but I think it has affected you anyway.”
He jerked his head up. “What do you mean?”
“My boy, sometimes I think you try too hard to make sure everyone is going to be okay. Seems to me you tend to blame yourself if things go wrong.” She leaned close and cupped his face between her palms. “There is so little in life that we truly have any control over. Ultimately, we must trust God. He holds us in the palm of His hand. Holds our loved ones too. Emmet, life is not your responsibility. Only loving and caring is up to you.”
He didn’t answer. Couldn’t. How could he take a lifetime of self-blame and erase it in one thought?
Auntie May pushed to her feet. “You need to think about this. And while you’re thinking, pray for God to help you sort out what you have charge of and what He has charge of. Might surprise you what you learn.” She patted his head, then went inside.
Emmet continued to sit, his mind staggering with memories, regrets and yes, like Auntie May said, self-blame. He couldn’t begin to sort out his thoughts.
Chapter Fifteen
Louisa received a reply from Uncle Peter within the week. “Come immediately,” it read. Instructions on how to find his home were included.
She showed Mother and her sisters the letter. “I want to go right away. On tomorrow’s train.”
Mother shook her head. “It’s not enough time to plan.”
“What’s to plan? I’ll take enough clothes for a few days. I’ll talk to Uncle Peter, and if he agrees to lend me the funds, I’ll return to prepare for school.” She couldn’t wait to put distance between herself and Emmet. It was impossible to avoid him, as she’d discovered when she went to check the mail.
She’d seen his truck coming down the street and barely had time to duck out of sight around the corner of the hardware store. She peeked around the building to observe. Ellie had climbed from the truck without crutches. Joy flooded Louisa’s heart. The child was all better. She’d be able to run and play now.
Emmet followed. He didn’t look particularly happy. Perhaps he had decided it wouldn’t be fair to pull Ellie from school a second time in order to move her back to the ranch. No doubt he was regretting the delay.
But the near encounter convinced her she must leave as soon as possible.
Sally and Madge sided with Louisa. “It will do Louisa good to go to the city.”
Mother acquiesced. “No doubt you are right. I’m just being selfish, not wanting to let go. But you proceed with your plans. I’ll pray for a satisfactory outcome.”
So Louisa sent a wire to Uncle Peter saying she would arrive on the train the next day, and she packed a small case for her visit. That night she fought a battle with fear and regret.
Oh, God, I am running from the man I love. But what choice do I have? He doesn’t want me. Help me find a future full of promise and possibility.
The next day Louisa stepped from the train in Edmonton. They’d lived there seven ye
ars ago, and she tried to tell herself it was like coming home.
“Louisa.” She turned at the sound of her name and stared at Uncle Peter. He was so much like Father that Louisa stumbled as her eyes filled with tears.
Uncle Peter caught her and steadied her. “It’s so good of you to visit.”
She nodded. He might change his mind once she’d told him the purpose of her visit.
He waited until they were in his charming home and had been served tea by his housekeeper to say, “I’m most happy to have you visit, but it is a surprise. I suspect there is a reason behind this rare pleasure. What is it?”
Louisa set her teacup aside, clasped her hands in her lap and prayed for uncommon courage and courtesy. She began by telling Uncle Peter of her experience in tutoring Ellie. “I enjoyed it and seem to have a little aptitude for the job. I’d like to attend Normal school.”
“That sounds like a wonderful thing.”
She twisted her fingers. It was hard asking for money.
“Can I help in any way?”
He sounded so much like Father, she had to swallow twice before she could answer. “I wondered if you could lend me the money to go to school.” It sounded so brash said out loud. She couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Is that all? Why, of course, I’ll gladly finance your education. It’s the least I can do.”
“I’ll pay you back.”
“Nonsense. You’ll do no such thing. I’ve never had children. Something I wish could have been different. You and your sisters are the closest I will ever have. It’s my privilege to help any way I can.”
She met his eyes, smiled. The two of them shared something—no children. It made her feel they had a special connection.
“Now you must stay and visit a few days…unless you have a young man waiting for you back home.”
“No. No, I don’t.”
“I hear regret in those words. Is it regret that you have no young man or regret that he has designs on another?”
She smiled. “The former.” So far as she knew, Emmet didn’t have another woman in mind.
“Good. Because if it was the latter, I’d wonder if the man was blind.”
Louisa’s cheeks warmed, and she knew she blushed under her uncle’s praise.
She spent two pleasant days in her uncle’s company, finding him extremely easy to talk to. It amazed her he’d never married, and finally she said so.
“I love a woman.”
“But why—?” She broke off. It was none of her business.
“Why aren’t I married? Why doesn’t anyone know?”
She tried to pretend she wasn’t curious, but he chuckled.
“Your father knew, but he kept his promise to never tell. Come, I’ll introduce you to the one who has my heart.”
She climbed into his car with him, expecting they would visit a cemetery. Instead they left the city and drove to a picturesque estate. A stately brick building set in a beautiful parklike setting.
He stopped in a gravel lot and led her inside. He greeted several women in nurses’ uniforms as he led her to a room that looked like a well-fitted guest room in a fine house, except for the bed that was raised, as Ellie’s had been.
In the bed lay a little gray-haired woman.
Uncle Peter crossed to the side of the bed and bent over. “Hello, Carrie Ann.”
The woman’s eyes lit up like dawn.
Uncle Peter held her hands. “She can’t talk, can’t feed herself. Can’t sit up. My sweet, Carrie Ann had a stroke when she was but eighteen. A blood vessel ruptured in her brain, the doctors decided. I loved her before this unfortunate accident, and I will love her every day of my life.” He stroked her hair back. “Sweetheart, this is my niece, Louisa. The oldest of the girls that I’ve told you about. She’s come to visit us.”
Tears pooled in Carrie Ann’s eyes, and he wiped them away tenderly.
If only Emmet had that kind of love. A love undiminished by unfortunate circumstances.
If only.
Louisa wept.
Uncle Peter pulled her into his arms, while still holding Carrie Ann’s hands. “Don’t be upset. I’ve regretted not one moment. Carrie Ann’s sweetness has been a blessing.”
Carrie Ann tried to say something, but all that came out was unintelligible mumbles.
“She says not to cry for her.”
“I’m not crying for her. I’m crying for me. I love a man, but he can’t see past my health problems.” The whole story tumbled forth, every pertinent detail. She even confessed her barrenness.
Uncle Peter made soothing noises and held her. Just as her father would have. Such sweet comfort.
“If he is worthy of your love, he will change his mind. If he doesn’t, he is not worthy.”
Louisa calmed, stood. “I’m sorry. I’ve made quite a spectacle of myself. It’s just, you remind me so much of Father.”
Uncle Peter caught her hand. “That is the best compliment I’ve ever received.”
Over the passing days, she grew extremely fond of Uncle Peter. “The one good thing out of Emmet’s rejection is that I have grown to know you. How did we miss all those years?”
“It is my fault. I wanted to protect Carrie Ann. And myself from people’s pity, so I distanced myself from the family. It wasn’t until your father died that I realized what I had lost. And by then it was too late.”
“It’s not too late. I admire you so much for how you have stayed at Carrie Ann’s side. I hope I can find the contentment in my situation that you’ve found.”
“Child, I would spare you the sorrow, but it isn’t in my hands.”
“Nor mine.” She tried to prepare herself to return home, but dreaded confronting daily reminders of Emmet.
When Uncle Peter suggested, “Why don’t you stay longer? Get to know Carrie Ann,” Louisa readily agreed.
Emmet had not made any further plans about returning to the ranch. He couldn’t. It was as if his life had hit a bump in the road, and he couldn’t seem to get over it or around it or through it. He’d prayed, asking God to show him the answers. Auntie May was right. He wasn’t to blame. He had been only nine years old.
But a persistent voice mocked, What about Jane? You weren’t a child then. And what about Ellie’s accident? Where were you when that happened? Not protecting your child. That’s for sure.
And Louisa. How he missed her. Like a giant toothache that wasn’t calmed by warm oil or a clove. He couldn’t possibly protect her from something that had already occurred.
He wandered up and down back roads, praying and begging for an answer.
It was almost supper time when he turned his steps toward home. As he neared the yard, he heard Ellie and Leila playing. At least Ellie had found solace in her young friend.
One more loss she must endure when they left. Seems everything he did had a hurt associated with it.
The girls had the dollhouse and dolls out playing with them. Ellie guarded that gift carefully. More proof of her fondness for Louisa. Oh, if only he could prevent his daughter from experiencing further pain.
The girls arranged the family of dolls in the various rooms, having them talk in individual voices.
“Take the mommy out,” Ellie said. “These children cannot have a mommy.”
Leila removed the paper doll. Ellie stared at the remaining family. Took out all except the father and a girl doll.
Emmet stood in the back of the shed, unobserved, to watch and listen, sensing Ellie expressed her own life.
“Why did God take my mommy?” Ellie seemed to be speaking to the dolls. “Does He hate me?”
God hated them. Is that what Emmet thought? God was punishing him for not obeying his father, not keeping his mother safe?
Leila touched Ellie’s hand. “God doesn’t hate anyone. My mama always said He loves us all. No matter what.”
Ellie considered the information. “But He took your mommy and daddy and sister. Why?”
Leila tilted her head. “It’
s awfully sad. But Matron says none of us are smart enough to know God’s mind and understand Him. Bad things happen and we don’t know why. But I’m glad God loves me.”
Oh, for the innocence and trust of children.
But the words spoken by a child painted his thoughts. He couldn’t keep people safe. Accidents happened. Illnesses happened. There was the uncertainty of weather and financial markets. But whatever happened, he could trust God. Even when he couldn’t understand or make sense of it.
“I wish I could have a family like this,” Leila said, putting the entire family into the playhouse. Her voice dripped with such sadness, it brought a sting to Emmet’s eyes.
Ellie reached over and took two dolls—little girls, from what Emmet could see. “These two are sisters forever. Just like I wish you and me could be.”
The girls bent to touch their foreheads together.
Emmet closed his eyes against a flood of pain, then called to the girls and entered the yard.
Both girls rushed toward him. Ellie flung herself in his arms and sobbed against his neck. He welcomed her gladly, even though he suspected she sought only temporary comfort. She would no doubt revert back to blaming him for driving Louisa away. When Leila hung back, he opened his free arm to her. With a strangled sob, she went to him and both girls snuggled close.
Oh, if only he wasn’t a man alone, he would adopt this little child. The pair could be forever sisters. It tore at his insides to know he must leave Leila behind. How would the child survive without a family to love her?
She’d shown herself remarkably strong in face of her trials. He could only hope and pray she would continue to be so.
“You two can write each other. And maybe Leila can come and visit when she’s a little older.”
Two pairs of arms tightened about his neck.
After a bit, Leila lifted her head. “I wish you could be my daddy.”
He knew his smile was very shaky as he studied her. “I would like that. But you need a mommy too.”
At that, Ellie insisted on being put down. She pulled Leila to her side, and they returned to playing dolls. He suspected they both purposely kept their backs to him.
Linda Ford - [Three Brides, Three Cowboys 02] Page 18
