Before I Go: A dark and tense psychological crime thriller.

by Marie Reyes

  Josie started pulling wooden drawers out, spilling the contents all over the floor, looking for something to unlock it. “Yes. Miguel. Miguel.” She waved a key in the air triumphantly, and he took it from her.

  There was a noise. A scream maybe, drowned by the roaring flames. He should probably assume it was Antonio burning alive, but something told him that wasn’t the case. Something inside him told him he had to go back. Something called him, and for some reason, he listened. He slipped back into the veil of smoke before anyone could notice and his feet just walked, almost independently of himself, like they knew where he needed to be. Whatever was waiting for him was upstairs.

  He burst through the wall of flames as quickly as possible and made his way up the stairs, coughing profusely, wondering if smoke inhalation would finish him off. Now he reached the landing, he could hear Josie cry out his name. “Don’t follow me!” He shouted into the crackling roar, hoping she had heard him and didn’t do anything stupid. Nothing looked real in the gray filter of smoke that started flooding the stairway. It could have been the lack of oxygen, but he felt high, like nothing could hurt him now. He was invincible. The noise was clearer from upstairs, a banging coming from the end of the hall. A door with a key still in the keyhole. Smoke from downstairs clung around the door like a fog. He wasn’t sure how he went from feeling like a warrior, to being on his knees in front of the door. He’d somehow missed a step. His mind was cutting bits out. On fast-forward, he opened the lock from his position of the floor and waited for whatever was on the other-side.

  Clutching her knees in a tight ball, was a girl. She looked tiny in the large empty room. Her vulnerability made him feel things he didn’t like, a memory maybe, but he wasn’t willing to search his mind for an answer. She backed away, scooting across the floor. “It’s okay. I’m a friend.” He wasn’t really sure how to talk to young children. It was like trying to communicate with an alien being that didn’t speak his language. She looked so scared of him, and he had no idea how to let her know he was not a threat. Her wide eyes seemed transfixed to one spot —his chest. He looked down, following her eye line and realized how he must have looked. The blood. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he repeated, holding out a hand. He didn’t know if he had the strength to lift her, and whether she would want to be carried. The heat was building. He could feel it rising up from the floor, through the soles of his shoes, as if the rubber could melt any second. “Please.” He tried to reason with her but she stayed put. Without speaking, he grabbed her hand, leading her towards the door and guiding her down the hall. The fire had crept up the stairs, and flames curled around the top of the landing from down below, like waves crashing over a sea-wall. He moved quickly, keeping close to the wall until they made it to the room at the other end.

  Once inside he slammed the door shut behind them with his foot. The door handle was far too hot to touch now. He let go of the girl’s hand so he could cough. It came from deep within him, almost making him vomit.

  He stumbled towards the window and pulled up the shutter, sticking his head out and sucking in the cool air.

  “Michael!” Josie shouted from below him. They stood by the trees, far enough away to be clear of the smoke that streamed from the door below. A look of relief washed over her and she waved her arms at him, even though she had already got his attention. He turned back and scanned the room while the little girl crouched below the window, hugging her knees again. The room was sparse: a few shelves, some abandoned old books, and a bed in the middle.

  “I’m going to need your help,” he said, looking at the girl, but realizing she didn’t speak English. He could have at least learned the word help in Spanish. There wasn’t time to stand around berating himself, and he pulled on one corner of the mattress. He tried to pick it up, but the pain crippled him and he got onto his hands and knees, breathing through the pain, waiting for it to subside. Body language was universal. The girl held one end of the mattress and looked at him. Luckily it was a thin mattress or he couldn’t imagine she would have the body strength to carry it, and he certainly wouldn’t have.

  Between them they just about managed to slide the mattress out of the window, and he snatched in a breath after letting the mattress fall and waited for the pain to subside again, but the most painful part wasn’t over. He wondered if the mattress was even enough to cushion their fall.

  He moved the girl away from the window and looked down, trying to gauge what position to fall in. This was going to hurt like a bitch. Luckily the mattress had fallen close to the house, so he didn’t need to jump forward, just fall. He held the girl in front of him and took a backwards leap of faith.

  As he felt the air rush past him as he plummeted, he heard screams and then his back made contact with the ground below. For the first few seconds, he could only focus on the pain. Convinced he had fallen short of the mattress, he imagined his spine shattered into a million pieces. It’s only when he laid his arms down that he realized he had made it, but every bone in his body still hurt none the less.

  The girl jumped out of his arms and as he rested his head to the left, he saw her run into Miguel’s arms. They both cried as much as each other and Miguel caught Michael’s eyes briefly before stroking his daughter’s tangled long hair and then holding her head gently between the palms of his hands, inspecting her face as if checking that she was real. He looked back at Michael and gave him a nod. Such a small gesture, but Michael could see the gratitude radiating from him. It was the kind of nod one soldier might give another before walking towards the front-line. No words would be good enough.

  Josie grabbed his uninjured hand, possibly the only part of his body that didn’t feel like it was being stabbed by daggers. She hovered over him, blocking out the blinding sun. Behind her he could see smoke, and flames, and embers reaching up to the sky.

  Now he could rest. He had done what he needed to do. He couldn’t believe that somehow, everything had worked out, although not perfectly. Perfection didn’t exist, but it was the best he could have hoped for. He had done something. Not just stood, watching from the shadows. Somehow, now, lying on the floor in agony was the most content he had ever been. Josie babbled about how everything would be okay. Didn’t she realize everything was already okay? His hand touched her wrist, and he looked in her eyes. “You have to forgive her. If you don’t this will all be for nothing.” The sound of sirens pierced through the frayed edges of his awareness. Everything muted slightly, including the pain, which he was grateful for. He wondered if he was hallucinating as Aleksander came running from the side of the house with two people following him—a man and a woman in uniform with medical supplies.

  “I’m sorry I left. I had to come back.” He knelt down beside Josie and their faces blurred into one.

  Chapter Thirty Eight

  Everything had been awkward. They barely spoke a word the entire time: not on the way to the airport, not on the flight, not as they disembarked, not when they went through customs. She couldn’t bring herself to speak, as she feared what she might say. They waited at the luggage carousel and Josie watched the bags roll past her. Usually, she was strangely lucky, and her bag would always pop from behind the plastic flaps quickly, but Tanya’s bag refused to show. Josie had no belongings to check in, as Samuel had burned them all, yet Tanya had a massive suitcase to collect. It made her furious that she had nothing left, yet Tanya did. She resented having to wait for Tanya’s baggage and just wanted to go home and lie in bed, staring at the wall.

  Tanya excused herself to go to the toilet, and now Josie was alone, the tears came out of nowhere. She tried to wipe them away quickly to avoid bringing attention to herself. The last thing she wanted was for someone to ask her what was wrong, as that would set her off even more. Through her wet, blurry eyes she saw her sister’s bag come around. It’s bright colorful pattern taunting her. The weight of it made her whole body heave as she dragged it off of the carousel and lugged it towards the seat. Left holding the bag. Typical
. She would have laughed if she wasn’t so angry.

  Tanya emerged from the bathroom and kept her eyes to the ground as she shuffled along. Josie wished she would hurry up, and sighed. There was nothing her sister could do that wouldn’t piss her off.

  “Let’s go,” Josie demanded and took the lead as she headed for the exit. She was safe now. Her family was somehow complete again, yet more broken than ever. The safety should have been a relief, yet she felt hollow. It was busy in the arrivals lounge, as people dashed around and others held up boards with people’s names on. It had all the frenetic energy of the trading floor on Wall Street.

  There they were. Her parent’s faces emerged through the crowd. The wide grins on their faces made her want to cry again. They had no idea. In their minds, their beloved daughter miraculously escaped the jaws of death and was to magically reappear in their lives. Innocent, ignorant, completely unaware that their own daughter had staged her own kidnapping to rinse them for all they were worth. It just occurred to Tanya that they had requested such a specific amount, an amount so high that, unless you knew the family you might not expect them to have that sort of money to hand, yet not so high to make it impossible for them to pay. The calculated, manipulative nature of what she had done made Josie want to tell everyone. They deserved to know.

  “Babies. My babies.” Her mom cried straight away and came towards them with open arms, embracing them both at the same time, one daughter in each arm. Josie looked over her mom’s shoulder to see her dad’s face, stoic as usual. Tanya then went to hug her father. She had always been a daddy’s girl, well, when she wanted something. Josie tried to keep the disgust from her face. She could probably explain away all her weird looks. She’s in shock, traumatized. She couldn’t be expected to behave normally; to feel the things that she should be feeling right then.

  Michael’s words bounced in her ears. She would forgive her, eventually, but now was not that time. She promised she wouldn’t tell their parent’s what she had done, but she owed her. She owed her parent’s. She owed everyone. Josie would ensure Tanya spent the rest of her life repenting. Her parents were so happy; it wasn’t worth telling them the ugly truth. She imagined the look on their faces if they were ever to find out. Her dad would explode. Everything would be even worse.

  “My brave girl. My brave, brave girl.” Her mom clutched Tanya close to her at every opportunity she got on the way to the car, and Josie resisted the urge to scoff. “I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”

  Being trapped at home with the family, not off traveling the world, would probably be Tanya’s idea of prison, and as close as she would get to being incarcerated. Why couldn’t she just be grateful for what she had? Why did she have to do what she did? Josie couldn’t fathom why, but couldn’t bring herself to ask Tanya for an explanation. No reason she could offer would be good enough.

  When they got to the car, their father shoved Tanya’s luggage in the trunk, and even opened the back door for her. “She’s not an invalid dad.” Josie snapped.

  “Have some respect, Josie. She’s been through a lot. Not everyone is as strong as you.” Her mom weighed in.

  Josie bit down on her lip and dug her nails into the palms of her hands. It took every last bit of restraint not to explode.

  “Get in the car. What’s wrong with you?” her mom asked.

  “Nothing.” A single word was all she could muster, and she got in the back seat, slamming the car door behind her and yanking at the seat belt.

  “Careful.” Her father raised his voice. “This car is new.”

  “I know what’s wrong,” her mother announced from the front passenger seat. “Sorry we doubted you, Josie. We still think it was stupid what you did, but you saved your sister’s life and me and your dad will never forget that. Why don’t we take you to that frozen yogurt place you love so much, or that Italian restaurant? You know, the one by the park. You deserve it.”

  Frozen yogurt. The words sounded ridiculous. Frozen yogurt wasn’t going to make everything better. She resisted the urge to take her anger out on her parent’s and responded with another one-word answer. “Maybe.” She looked out the window as they drove out of the airport parking lot and let her mind wander. Being in the present was too painful, and she had no idea how she would get past this.

  “We still can’t believe what you’ve been through, Tanya. We never gave up hope.” Their mom reached her arm from the front seat and squeezed Tanya’s shoulder.

  “Thanks mom.” Tanya held her mom’s hand against her shoulder and smiled at her lovingly. What an actress, Josie thought, looking on at the display. It was going to be so hard to survive this if she didn’t follow Michael’s advice. It had only been a few days and already the anger seemed to have changed her into a different person, a person she didn’t like. It was such an ugly emotion and it wouldn’t change anything. It was too late now. She tried to recall that saying. Anger is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. She repeated the words over and over, trying to believe them, yet it still simmered under the surface, waiting for the worst time to burst out of her.

  Chapter Thirty Nine

  She had to be close now. It was only supposed to be a couple of miles away from the school. She checked her Satellite Navigation again. The place was so big there was more than one entry point. Finally, finding a place to park up, she leaned over to the passenger seat and nudged Aleksander awake.

  “We’re here.” He looked so peaceful, and she felt bad waking him up. She’d picked him up from the airport and they headed straight for the cemetery. The ruffled hair and puffy eyes were the epitome of jet-lag, but there was no time to spare. As she got out of the car and shut the door, Alex stretched his legs. Being cramped on a plane, and then in her little car had taken its toll.

  The sunlight caressed her face with its warmth and she looked out across the large expanse of grass and across to the still lake. Rows and rows of gray tombstones stretched into the distance. Some crosses, some rounded. Thick bands in the grass from the mower trails led to a mausoleum standing tall at the far end of the cemetery. The palm trees cast shadows across the perfectly cut grass. It felt peaceful here. It felt right.

  She tried to make peace with Tanya, but she wouldn’t let her come here. Josie had done her best to respect Michael’s wishes. They told the police that Tanya had been held against her will by Antonio and they didn’t question this. It was the only way to keep the family together. There was no reason to let her parents feel the pain that came with realizing that someone you cared for could screw you over so utterly. The remorse was obvious. It seeped from Tanya’s pores like alcohol, the day after the night before. It was always there, an unspoken truth between them. The self-serving bravado was gone, and Tanya had spent the last year trying to make things right. A changed woman. So there Josie was. Covering for Tanya again. Letting her get away with murder.

  “This is the one.” Alex stopped. Josie had been so caught up in her own head she barely knew where she was. She stood before Michael’s grave. His death was on Antonio’s head. It was on Samuel’s, Tanya’s, and it was on Josie’s too. The sad thing was, he probably would have thanked her. He got what he wanted. She often wondered what it would have been like if he had made it that day. Would he have still felt the same way? Could they have found a way to be happy? Deep down, she already knew the answer to that question. The lesson she chose to take was that there was no point delaying the things that she wanted to do. Life was short. She had spent her whole life trying to be the antithesis of her sister, but that was the wrong way to look at it. Her sister had spent her whole life doing what she wanted, and now it was Josie’s turn. If only she knew what it was she wanted to do.

  “Ready?” Alex pulled a bottle of tequila from his man-bag and sat down on the floor, pouring one shot glass for himself, and one for Michael. He placed the shot glass on the stone.

  Josie sat on the soft grass and poured herself a shot, tequila spilling over the side
of the glass, leaving sticky residue on her fingers. The dappled sunlight filtered through a towering ever-green overhead, leaving dabs of light and dark across the words carved in the headstone Josie had chosen. A buzz vibrated in her pocket, and Josie slipped out her phone. Tanya’s name flashed up on her screen. “Not today,” Josie muttered under her breath and went to put her phone back, when it buzzed again with another message from her sister. She decided to read it so she could then forget about it.

  Josie.

  I have something to tell you. I waited until you went away as I knew you’d be mad, and I wanted you to have some time to cool off before we talked. That article in the newspaper. Someone has approached me and asked me to write about my experiences. A novel. They offered me an advance. Money’s been tight. I had to accept. I hope you understand.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Josie’s voice cut through the peace and quiet of the cemetery, sending a bird flying up from a tree above.

  “What’s wrong?” Alex sat up straight.

  “Never mind.” She kept it to herself. She was not going to let Tanya ruin today. It was too important. “You know what we should do?” she said.

  Alex looked at her, waiting for her suggestion.

  “We should finish this whole bottle. Screw it. We can drive back tomorrow. There’s a place to stay not far from here.”

  “Cheers to that.” He poured them another glass each and raised it up.

  She knew it was just a hunk of stone and some ashes buried below, but she wanted to spend as much time there as she could. The burn of the tequila took her back a year. Back to Mexico. Back to Tulum. She tried to claw back the fading memories. There was a moment that she had considered not asking to sit down next to the lonely-looking guy at the hotel bar, and to take her drinks to her room. In some ways, she was glad she asked to take that chair, to know this person, if only for a short time. She wondered if he would have let her sit with him if he knew how it was going to end up, but yet again, she already knew the answer to that question.