by Ella Edon
It irked him. Reminded him of a past he would never truly forget. Implanted the thought even firmer in him that those who believe in love and let themselves idealize falling in love were fools. Love was for fools. And that was what Lady Esther was. A fool who allowed herself to be deceived. And now, she was paying the price.
He was standing by his carriage. Richard sat, his hands gripping on tightly to the horse’s reins. Stefan didn't want to go. Not until he saw Lady Esther. Not until he told her his mind. The door opened and Lady Esther stepped out, her hands gripping on tightly to her skirts. She walked slowly, her head bent, her shoulders straight. He wondered how she did it. She was graceful and yet, delicate. She was an English Rose; he couldn't deny that.
His legs moved on their own accord. His boots made crunching sounds against the leaves he stepped on. As he approached her, he heard her gasp. He watched as she twirled around. "Lady Esther."
"Your Grace," she gasped.
He liked that she did that when he spoke to her, when she realized that he was the one approaching her. He watched her chest rise, her cheeks flushed, and her lashes dashed down, sealing her eyes from his.
Then he remembered Lord Milway.
"You hide in the shadows. You drown yourself in the orphanage and hide your emotions here, amongst sad children who need love. And you think it would save you from the pain or perhaps hide you from judgment. You're wrong. Because somehow, this is the consequence of you falling in love. Love is hopeless, and it is unreal."
He needed to let her know that whatever had happened didn't define her life. She needed to move on, seek other suitors perhaps, but while she was at it, she needed to be happy. He didn't want her to end up like Agnes.
Esther's lashes fluttered and moved up so that her grey eyes were now on him. He was tongue-tied as he stared into her beautiful eyes. She put her fingers to her lips, and ever so gently, she spoke. "So I see that you know things about me too. Tell me, have you ever been in love, Your Grace?"
He groaned and looked away. "That is not relevant."
"You have?"
"No, Lady Esther, no."
"Then make no comments or judgments as you do not understand.”
"Why then did he call off the engagement? Why did Lord Milway call off the engagement? Was the love real then? Get over him. Move on. Your heart is not worth being destroyed by anyone."
"You don't understand!" Her eyes glistened. "I loved Nicholas. I've loved him since I was a babe. We've been together for so long. It is quite unfair that you approach me so without knowing me, just because you heard the gossip, and tell me to forget him. As though you believe that it is easy. It isn't. Nicholas and I were to be wed."
He pulled her closer, his hands tightening on her forearm. "And are you wed now? Are you? Did he not leave you? Did he not say the engagement is off? Did he love you then to leave you?"
Esther's eyes glowed, and he knew she was going to cry, but he spoke on. "Forget him, Lady Esther. Do not hide in the shadows because of what he has done. Forget him. Go out, live your life. Forget about him. He doesn't deserve your pain. Lady Esther, you must know that your wellbeing is important for only your sake and no one else's."
"It sounds so easy for you to say and for you to demand, Your Grace. Perhaps because you know not what love truly is, you do not understand my pain." Her voice shook. She gently pulled away, his hands fell as she did, and all he could do was watch her as she ran towards the coach that approached. The silver-haired man with a handlebar mustache who rode the carriage glared at him, and although he blinked away rapidly, Stefan saw his glare. He stood still and watched as the coach rode away. It wasn't over. They still had to talk. And as he watched her go, he knew why he felt drawn to her. It was because she reminded him of Agnes. Her silence told him of the most dreadful days of his life. It reminded him that Agnes could have been saved too. He didn't want to know another Agnes, which was why this wasn't over. He would see Esther again.
Chapter Five
She slipped one bracelet out of her hand, and forcefully, she slipped the second one out. Marlene tugged at the buttons that held her dress in place. With a few tugs, the top part of her dress loosened. And with three more, her skirts fell away. She pulled out the top section. She was left in her corset and petticoat. Marlene silently unclasped the corset, and she stepped out of the petticoat. She walked into the bath prepared for her and sat still, her eyes on the wall.
Forget him, Lady Esther. Do not hide in the shadows because of what he has done.
"Leave me be." She looked away. Her eyes settled on the small window above. She wanted to be alone because the Dukes words stung her. The Duke of York had hit home. She let the refreshing water stop at her collarbone, but she did not relax. The water did not calm her spirits. Marlene gathered her dress and walked out of the room, leaving her to herself. Only then did she break down. She sobbed lightly, and her tears flowed down her cheeks freely. After her little talk with the Duke, she had been devastated. She had been, once again, brutally reminded of Nicholas' betrayal. She was brokenhearted all over again. She had stayed in her bedchamber all day and only went down to greet her mother's friends, for an appearance, to show them that she was alright, that she was strong. To appear happy. But it was all fake. And she was so tired of pretending to be happy when truly she was breaking on the inside.
As she lazily ran her hands over her shoulders, she recalled what Nicholas used to call her. "My darling Esther," he would say, a lovely smile on his lips. "You're exquisite."
He always made her feel beautiful, like she was the only one who existed.
"Oh, Nicholas,” she cried. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. Why had he done this to her? Why had he left her? Why did he betray her? Why?! After all those years of courtship. She had looked forward to their wedding. She had looked forward to becoming his wife.
She sat up as her tears came rapidly in torrents. She sank into the water subconsciously, as the water slipped higher, rising to her lips and then, her nose. Esther gasped, rose quickly, and emerged from the water. She looked down into the tub, her tears ceasing to run.
Lady Esther, you must know that your wellbeing is important for only your sake and no one else.
Her breath hitched as she recalled his words. She backed away from the water, shivering slightly, her body dripping wet, droplets of water from her body kissing the floor in drops and making everything wet. The water looked like her enemy. She sobbed louder this time, still staring at the water. She backed away, her shoulders shaking.
She nearly screamed when a cloth was draped over her shoulders from behind, concealing her nakedness. She turned abruptly, only to see Marlene looking away. She wrapped the cloth rapidly around herself and stared wide-eyed.
Marlene looked up slowly. When she saw that Esther was well covered, she let her concern show. "My Lady, are you alright?"
Esther watched her wide-eyed, still slightly startled but very well aware. Slowly, she shook her head as realization dawned on her. "No. No. I'm not alright, Marlene, and I fear that I may never be again."
* * *
"I have sent word to Katherine and Anne. You'll be going to see a play at the theater," Lady Kendal announced as Esther took her seat and placed a napkin on her lap.
"I don't want to go anywhere today, Mother."
"Well you must, my darling." Lord Edward Bowen, Earl of Kendal, placed his teacup aside and smiled at his daughter. Esther always melted when he did that. Because they smiled alike, she took after him in looks, and it didn't turn out so badly. "Lord Milway will indeed pay for what he has done to you, by breaking up the engagement for no just reason. He will pay for humiliating you before the ton."
Esther swallowed as her father's eyes turned cold. She had never really told anyone what had transpired between her and Nicholas. And she was starting to think it was the best idea. Even though they had parted on quite bad terms, she wouldn't want to ruin anyone. Telling her family the real story about Nicholas meant trouble.
"I am fine, Papa. It would soon be over. Surely before the season runs out, the ton will be focused on something new."
Her father gave her a look and stared at his tea. "I hope so."
Esther breathed out forcefully before averting her attention to Lady Kendal. Her mother stirred her tea and nodded at Esther. "My dear, you should wear a nice gown. Not a muslin. After seeing the little children at the orphanage, you may head over to the theatre with your ladies."
Without argument or pouring out the protest she had internally, Esther nodded and turned to her tea.
"Also I was thinking, perhaps we could organize a ball. Another ball. Not now; however, I'm still trying to figure it all out."
She knew what her mother wanted. She wanted another ball to try to find her suitors as the last one didn't play out as planned. Esther shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Her mother's gaze burned her forehead, and she was sure Lady Kendal expected that she agreed to what she was proposing. Esther knew that her father would never allow a ball if she didn't want it. He always listened to her, more than anyone.
"Is that so, child? Do you wish for another ball to be thrown?" her father asked.
Esther didn't look up from her tea, but she nodded. "I'd like that very much, Papa."
"Very well. Two fortnights from now, your mother would throw you another ball." He pushed his chair back as he rose. He walked over to Lady Kendal and placed a kiss on her cheek. "I have meetings which require my attendance today."
He walked over to Esther as well and kissed her forehead. "You look beguiling, child."
"Thank you, Papa."
He nodded and headed outside. The moment Charles, the head butler, pulled the entrance doors open and shut them, Lady Kendal slapped her hands on the table. "Esther, you have to pull yourself together. Marlene complained to me, said she saw you looking disheveled, bothered, and in tears. Esther, once the servants hear and see things, they would most certainly run off spreading gossip all over town. I do not want you to be the topic of any gossip. Servants are deadly. They know all, see all, and although they are sworn to secrecy, whatever happens, it doesn't mean that word would not get out. Be careful of what you do and when. I will hear of no talk about you being in pain. You will make them think Nicholas has ruined you for life!"
He has, Mother. He has.
Her mother voice softened. "Darling, think about the family. Think about your reputation if word gets out about this, Esther dear. As you know, it wouldn't sit well with the ton if word of you being broken were to go around. They would think there was more to this. We cannot let that happen. We will not. We will throw another ball, and by then, we will find you another suitor. One better than Lord Milway. And this time, you will keep him."
* * *
The orphanage didn't look the same to her. The children weren't smiling. All of them looked like she did. Sad, lost, unhappy, and wandering. She could tell by the way they looked at her, by the way, they flinched when she touched them.
It was worse today. Her mother's words replayed in her head, and all she could think of was how to get over Nicholas. He had hurt her.
She squatted in front of Augusta; the little girl had her curly hair tied roughly behind her neck. Esther smiled as she stared at the hair. It reminded her of how Nicholas had liked hers.
"Come on, I'd like the hair swept back, away from your cheeks," he would say and then pull her hair back, make her curls rest on her back. She would giggle as he did this. Esther smiled and let her attention settle on Augusta properly. Her small smile faded.
The red scar on her left cheek was visible as the child frowned. The girl had suffered very much. Her father had been a cartwright, but she had lost her parents and older twin brothers in a fire. The child was barely ten, but she often looked as though she carried the weight of the world.
Esther was in the ward, where the children’s medical needs were attended. The physician arrived with his assistant today, and all Esther had to do was check up on the little angels to make sure they were doing well. Augusta didn't smile at her. Esther wondered if there was anything wrong.
"Are you alright, Augusta?"
Augusta creased her brows. "Are you alright, My Lady?"
Esther forced a smile. "Of course."
Augusta, with much strain, shook her head. "You don't look the same, you look sadder. Are you sure you’re alright, My Lady?"
Esther stared at the child. The girls' question replayed in her head. And all she could think was a suitable response was, no. She wasn't fine. Her mother wanted her to find another suitor as soon as possible, and she was in no mood to see a play. She was tired, weak, broken. She didn't think she could wake up every day and keep pretending that everything was alright. It wasn't.
"My Lady? Are you crying? Is it something I said? I'm sorry." The child's voice was frantic. She was worried, her voice was rising, and then, she was crying. "I'm sorry, My Lady. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."
Esther's eyes widened as she stared at the child. She wanted to speak, she tried to calm the child down. But when she opened her mouth to do so, words wouldn’t come out. Her throat clogged. She felt suffocated. Soon there was a loud sob. The children were straining their necks, looking at her with worried expressions.
Esther looked around. The door swung open and Lady Kinross walked in with the Duke of York behind her. Both their eyes darted around the room and then back to Esther. She was sorry, she didn't mean to cause trouble. She shook her head as a child explained what had happened. Esther didn’t look up to see which child was talking, but she guessed it was Georgia, the thirteen-year-old. Esther was in no condition to do the explaining as she was shaking now, and tears came rapidly.
She didn't quite register what was going on, but she saw the Duke approaching her, gripping her shoulders, and leading her outside the room.
She walked half-consciously, barely aware of what was happening. He took her to the little room at the end of the hallway. As he closed the door behind them, she started wiping at her tears.
"Lady Esther," he called plainly, his voice void of emotions. "You scared those little ones."
Esther shook her head. "I would never do anything to hurt those children. I love them like my own. It...it wasn't deliberate. I feel a little under the weather today is all. I'll be fine."
"You're not a little under the weather, Lady Esther. You are hurt, you are sad, and your sadness has affected those children today."
"No," she whispered as her eyes welled up again.
"You need to take a break from all of this. Find yourself. You need to get over this heartbreak Look what it is doing to you."
"I want him back," she whispered. "I want Nicholas back. No one understands how deeply I felt for Lord Milway. Since I was babe, I have loved him. I only have known a future with him, Your Grace. I don’t know how to live without Nicholas. I want everything back to the way it was," she sobbed.
She watched as the Duke observed her silently. Her lips moved, but she couldn't hear her own voice as her eyes locked with his darkened ones: blue, angry eyes that gazed at her with fury that burned deep. She didn't care what he thought.
"I feel tired. So very tired of it all. I cannot bear this any longer," she whispered. "I can't. I can't bear to live with the shame of what happened."
In an instant, the Duke strode across the room, his angry stare settling on her. His large hands gripped her forearms. She gasped as he pulled her closer to him. "Listen to me, Lady Esther. You will say no such thing. You will speak no such words ever again. You will live without Lord Milway, you will laugh without him. All will be well again, but you have to start making it all well again. Forget Lord Milway."
"I will not!” she snapped. The Duke's eyes widened. He gazed at her intently. She was shaken from her outburst. She would never have raised her voice at anyone before. She started to apologize, but he let go of her. Without a glance backward, the Duke pulled the door open and walked through the threshold, leaving Esther in a daze.<
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* * *
She had snuck out of the orphanage, too ashamed to let anyone see her. She was afraid as well that word about her behavior would get to her mother. And she was quite sure it wouldn't end well.
The carriage went silently, and when it rolled to a halt, Esther realized they must have arrived at the theatre. She pulled the curtains aside and looked out. The theatre was swamped with people. A man in a tall hat and a tailcoat stood at the entrance, grinning and welcoming people in.
"Welcome, welcome." He smiled.
With her face slightly flushed, she could imagine what she would look like when she alighted the carriage. She closed the curtain, "A moment, Angus!" she called to the driver.
His response was barely audible, but she knew he heard. She pulled her hand across her hair a few times, then placed a pin on each side to hold it in place. With a handkerchief from her reticule, she dabbed her face and blinked a few times. Once she felt ready, she left the carriage and walked to the entrance of the theatre, looking around. She headed to the spot where the large sign read:
