by Ella Edon
"And will you get her back by wasting away in here?" his mother asked.
He turned to her. His red eyes glistened as he stared at her. He felt like a part of him was lost with Esther. "She doesn't want to speak to me. It’s over."
The Dowager Duchess's eyes softened. She walked over to him, rested her hands on his shoulders, and turned him so he could face her. "Of course, she wants to speak to you, my son. She wants to speak to you. She just needs you to try harder. Prove to her that you love her truly. Stop sending Alfred over there with letters of apology. Those don't work. You have to face her and fight for her. Tell her how truly sorry you are. Show her that you love her. Remind her of who you are, who you both are, what you share. And allow her to take her time to find her way back to you. From what I hear child, you hurt her."
Stefan didn't even ask how she knew so much. He already knew that she would question Alfred until he said all and more of what happened in his life. Once again, his mother knew it all. However, her words lingered in his mind. He nodded slowly. For the past two days, he had been sending letters of apology to her via Alfred. After their last encounter, he was afraid to look her in the eye. He couldn’t bear to see the coldness and dismissal in her eyes. But his mother's encouragement made him want to try and make her remember. He nodded slowly and smiled at his mother. He would begin with where it all started, the orphanage.
* * *
"Your Grace! Thank Goodness you're here. I was about to send you a letter. The children need bread," Lady Kinross said, upon seeing him. She was rushing over to him, the hem of her dress swooshing as she did. She ridged her brows as she neared him. "Are you well, Your Grace?"
Stefan nodded. "Very well."
They were in the hallway, and he could hear the voices of the children coming out of their rooms. He could hear them laughing and giggling. He could feel their happiness. He wasn't sure if that was right, but listening to them gave him hope.
"Is Lady Esther here?"
Lady Kinross gave him a look. "Of course, she never misses a day."
He smiled gratefully. "I'll send bread and more. Excuse me." He didn't wait for her response before he walked down the hallway and into the room filled with children. At the center, Esther sat with a book, reading.
He closed the door noisily before turning back to everyone. As expected, he had attracted the attention of the children. They all screamed in glee the moment they saw him. Before he had a chance to sneak a glance at Esther, Augusta and George launched themselves on him. He staggered back and huffed as he tried to hold them both.
"Your Grace! You're here!"
"Ey, will you read to us like Lady Esther, will you?"
Stefan stared at the children. "What do you want me to read to you?"
"Anything. Anything at all," Evangeline said from the corner.
Stefan smiled. "Alright. Sit. Sit down, everyone."
He set the children in his arms down and walked over to where Esther was seated. He didn't make eye contact with her as he said, "Good Morning, Lady Esther."
She was silent. He looked up at her as he took a seat. She was staring at him with creased brows. Then she nodded reluctantly. "Good Morning, Your Grace."
Stefan picked a book from the pile that sat there. He chose one from the middle and beside him, he heard Esther sigh. He wanted to hold her. He raised the collection of poems to the children and smiled. "I'll read you a poem."
They nodded happily. Stefan put his hands in his pocket and retrieved a paper and then slipped it in between the book while no one watched. Esther was chiding Evangeline on something, and the other children had turned to look at her.
When their attention came back to him, he cleared his throat and began.
"Loved one —"
"Is that the title, Your Grace? I've never heard of that one." Augusta sat up.
Stefan smiled at the children. "It's a special one." Silence reigned, and he spoke.
"In the shaky storm, with lots of wind and lots of cold, I always wonder, if you're safe. With hair so brown, and eyes so grey, I always wonder if you know how beautiful you are.
I always wonder if you know that you have touched my heart in the way no one is able to. I always wonder if you know that you have taught me to love unconditionally. Your smile brightens my spirit, and your laughter gives me joy. Your tears leave me heartbroken, and I will try to catch the sheens as they fall from your cheeks. But never do I want to be the reason for those tears. Though I have hurt you in the act of defense, I deeply regret my offense. I pray that ye forgive me, for my love for you is more than all the misgivings I have caused.
Your gentle soul may wonder if the truth lies in my words. But believe me, loved one. I am truly here for you. Because I seem to see the future. Life without you is without meaning."
Stefan stopped reading. He was finally able to look up. His gaze found Esther's. She was staring at him. Her eyes were unreadable, but he didn't miss the red that started to spread from her neck. He had written her a poem. In a sloppy written and disheveled thought, he had written her a poem. He had not been sure of what he had been writing, but he had written it anyway.
He wished they were alone, so he could apologize again. But they weren't, and the children were there to remind them.
"That was not a good poem!" The children laughed.
"It didn’t rhyme at all! But the lady in the poem has grey eyes and brown hair," Augusta said thoughtfully.
Evangeline nodded. "Lady Esther, the poem reminds me of you."
Esther simply smiled, but said nothing.
"Poor lady with brown hair and grey eyes. That poem really needed work!" Augusta laughed, still wondering.
Stefan's gaze drifted again. His eyes locked with Esther's, but she looked away immediately, and his heart sank. While the children chattered, he placed the poem inside the book and placed it beside the other one by Esther's feet. Then he rose and walked out of the room.
Slowly. He would go slowly, and he would not rush her. She would forgive him at her own time.
Chapter Thirty-One
The red one seemed heavier than the black one. She stared at Marlene for a moment, as though staring at her would help her decide which to wear. Finally, she chose the red one.
"Red."
"Marvelous idea, My Lady. Tis a bright day after all."
Esther nodded, “A bright day indeed.”
Her eyes are as bright as the sun.
Her breath hitched as the words from Stefan's poem flashed in her memory. For three days, Stefan came to the orphanage in a guise of reading to the children while he read a poem to her. Each poem was then left in the book while he left. He never spoke to her. He simply read the poem and left. She picked up every one of them and took them with her. She kept them in the drawer that sat beside her bed and kept reading the words over and over again. They weren't exactly poems. The wordings were not arranged as poems should. They were personal letters to her. Rather than giving them to Alfred as he had done before, he read them to her, beside her.
Her cheeks flamed as her lady’s maid fastened the buttons of her dress.
She wasn't sure what she was feeling, but she liked it when he read her the letters before the children, slowly and meaningfully.
"All done, My Lady."
Esther thanked her and walked out of her bedchamber. She wanted to have her breakfast and run along to the orphanage. She anticipated going there. She wondered if Stefan would read her another poem. While descended the staircase George approached her.
He held a bouquet of white lilies before him. He smiled at her. "Fine morning, My Lady." He stretched the flowers to her. "His Grace, the Duke of York, has asked that these be given to you."
Esther's heart skipped a beat. "His Grace?"
"Yes, My Lady."
Lady Kendal walked out of the salon then. She smiled. "The Duke of York came by today. He simply came to have these flowers given to you."
Esther's throat clogged. She wasn't sure what
Stefan was up to anymore. She blinked, nodded once, and took the flowers from George. She turned around and took the flowers to her bedchamber.
* * *
After breakfast, she rushed to the orphanage. She was trying to escape her mother's questioning gaze and her father quietness. She was on her horse, riding towards the straight path that led to the orphanage. Her horse halted as they approached. The path was blocked by a carriage. Esther creased her brows. Her horse neighed and moved back. All the other sides were covered with trees and tall grasses. Esther groaned.
"Hello! Is anyone here?"
There was no response. She wasn't sure why a carriage was sitting in the middle of a road, on a narrow pathway. But she didn't want to go too close. She wasn't sure what danger might lurk there. So, she pulled the reins of her horse and turned. They would take the longer route, the path by the river.
It didn't take long to get there. Her horse was soon cantering down the path, by the river and the hill, when he suddenly halted. Esther pulled his reins to control him from spooking. Before them, another horse stood on the path. Esther narrowed her eyes when she saw Stefan standing beside the animal. He stole her breath away, looking dashing under the morning sun, in a grey-colored coat and breeches. She wondered if his grey coat reminded him of her eyes. She made to speak, but she was beaten by him.
"I was hoping we could both walk to the orphanage," he said.
Esther closed her eyes and swallowed. He certainly was up to something. She shook her head. "St — Your Grace —"
"Yes, My Lady." He grinned.
"I don't think that's a good idea." She smiled and Stefan smirked.
"It isn't?"
Esther knew what he was getting at. He simply wanted to walk with her. He wanted to talk to her. Stefan had indeed been apologizing and making an effort for days, but she wasn't sure his apologies softened the blow of his words. She knew she was not over it.
"Please, Esther. A walk is all I ask. Please?" he pleaded.
Esther shook her head, weakly. He had hurt her, and yet with the few days that he spent being the gentleman she had fallen for, she found herself drawn to him again. He was reminding her of the days when he was the Stefan she knew. The one she knew before the kiss. The one she fell for. The one who was always there for her. Still, she was torn. What if he did it again? What if he felt the need to defend himself again and then lush out in the process?
Stefan, however, was adamant. "Esther, I just want to walk with you."
She looked around. "Why? What point are you trying to prove?"
"Nothing. I'm not trying to prove a point. I'm not trying to show you anything. I'm simply doing what I would be doing for the rest of my life — fighting for you, fighting for you to always be by my side. Even if you may not want it."
His words unlocked the need she had to talk with him. There were so much she needed to say. And perhaps she should give him a chance to speak. She alighted from the horse, gripped his reins, and nodded at Stefan. "Alright."
Their walk began quietly. Esther knew they were a long way from the orphanage. She was sure Stefan knew this, too. He nodded at the river. "Look where we first met." He laughed.
Esther smiled at the memory where they had shared a kiss. Their first kiss.
"I'm sorry for the things that I said. For hurting you as I did. I will apologize for the rest of my life if need be." He sighed. "Everything I said was a lie, everything I uttered. I called you weak. You are the strongest person that I know. You're kind, caring, beautiful, and you possess an equally beautiful soul. You always put everyone’s need before your own and I adore your goodness. I have met many people in my life, yet no one possesses a kinder spirit.”
Esther felt her eyes water at his words. "Stefan you say this now. But if one problem comes up again, you would react the same way by throwing hurtful words at me, and even call one of your mistresses."
Stefan paused for a second. His brows ridged before he began to walk again. "I didn't bed Diane. I had only tried to, to forget you."
"Why?"
"Because I was scared, because I was afraid. Afraid of what I was feeling. I was afraid that I was feeling what Agnes had felt. And I was hurting over and over again when I saw you choosing Lord Milway."
Esther felt her throat clog. Stefan thought she chose Nicholas. She would have left everything for him. Although she had been slow to realize it, she had fallen for Stefan and felt more than she ever would have for Nicholas. She was willing leave everything behind for him, family, friends. Even the ton and their gossip didn’t matter to her anymore. The only thing that mattered was him— the scandalous Duke that was standing there proclaiming his love for her.
"It took me a while." His gaze softened on hers. She felt her heart tighten as his eyes gazed upon her. She looked away to control her emotions. "But I realized that I couldn't live without you. And I have been with no woman, Esther. I have been unable to, not with you filling my mind. But I kept on thinking that you wanted Lord Milway, and it drove me mad with jealousy. Jealousy that had been there for a very long time."
Esther swallowed as he went on. She had hurt him, too, she realized. By always insisting on wanting Nicholas. Looking back, she realized that Stefan's jealousy had been going on for a while. She nearly laughed at him, but she stifled her laughter. He had fallen for her a long time ago, and he had not known it. He had always protected her from Nicholas even before the kiss. She blushed.
They had stopped walking. They were now directly by the river. Stefan smiled, sheepishly at her. "Black wants to have water. I'm not sure how long he would take."
"It's alright." She nodded. She let go of her horse as well and together, their horses walked to the water.
"Do you see how closely they walk? Perhaps they know that we share a bond." Stefan nodded at them. Her horse and his moved together and faced each other at intervals. Stefan's horse stared at hers sharply and neighed, as though saying something. Stefan bit his lip and stood before her. "Perhaps my horse is saying to your horse 'My master feels so deeply for yours.'"
Esther smirked. "Or perhaps, your horse is saying, ‘Do you remember this river? Or do you know where your master and mine stand at this moment?’"
Stefan's eyes widened. He stared around and guffawed. Esther blushed at her boldness. She always spoke more when Stefan was around her. Mostly, she spoke without thinking. Stefan made her take spontaneous actions. Drastic choices that she had not planned prior. He made her feel so much in so little time. He made her happy.
And that was what she felt as they stood at the riverbank, the place where they shared their first kiss. Stefan took her hands in his and muttered again. "Forgive me, Esther, forgive me."
She looked up at him with big grey eyes. "I need time."
Stefan wanted to protest perhaps, for his lips parted. But he simply slumped his shoulders and nodded. His hands continued gripping hers as though he could not bear to let her go. His thumbs caressed her knuckles gently. She felt her heart thud, her insides melt, and her stomach tighten. She wished to stay there with him for a long time. She wished to feel his chiseled jaw on her face, she wished that he would kiss her, that he would hold her close and not let go. She wanted a lot of things, but she needed time to make sure that he would not hurt her again before finally feeling ready to accept everything that she was feeling.
"No matter how long it takes, know that I love you, Esther. I love you, and I am willing to fight against Lord Milway for you. Here, at this place where we first met, where you first saw me, I am promising you that my heart belongs to you."
Her lips parted in surprise. Her cheeks flamed red. This was what she wanted. She wanted him. She felt her stomach tighten again and joy flooded inside of her. She wanted to speak, to tell him that she felt deeply too. She also wanted to tell him that she would end everything with Nicholas upon his return from Wales. He had traveled, and she didn’t have the opportunity to talk to him and end everything. After Greer, the redhead’s visit, she had
made her decision. But he let go of her and said immediately. "Black is done. We should head to the orphanage. The children are waiting."
She was grateful for his intrusion. She didn't want to make the decision so quickly. She still needed time. But one thing was sure at that moment. It was how her heart skipped when he smiled at her, and how butterflies fluttered in her stomach when his blue eyes glowed as they locked with hers.
* * *
For days, she decided not to go anywhere until she saw Nicholas. She didn't trust that she would control her emotions when she saw Stefan again, so she needed to be done with the past before moving forward. She simply stayed at Kendal Manor. She finally saw Nicholas upon his return, and she broke off her courtship him. He had been pleading, insisting that he had no love for Greer, the pregnant redhead. But Esther would have none of it. He had to take responsibility for his actions. This vicious circle of hurt between them was over and after a long time, she was feeling a heavy weight being lifted from her shoulders.
