“You having love woes, honey?” asked Mae.
“All my life,” answered Addie.
“The key is in knowing who should have your heart. And if you can crawl into theirs. Look at Ted, look at his heart.”
Addie focused on Uno’s heart, and she did see herself there, like a photo floating inside. And next to the photo was Lissa, the two shots intertwined, as though inside a locket. The photos were small, though, but deep in his chest, she saw another image, a shady one, one that completely filled the heart.
“Yes,” said Mae, “And who is in your heart?”
Addie looked down at her chest, but all she saw was a gray blob, a smoky cloud. She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. Mae reached out and wrapped Addie in her arms. “Keep at it honey, I’m here to help. We’ll sort it out.”
“Now baby, don’t bother Mommy,” said Addie to three year-old Lissa. “Mommy is doing something important.” Addie was scribbling on a yellow pad, The Bullshit Program, a group therapy system. Her pen moved across the page, outlining her ideas, getting it all in order.
“That was my best idea ever,” said Addie to her guides. “Just came to me out of the blue.”
The winds blew, time morphed, and there on the desk where the yellow pad had been, lay copies of magazines, Addie’s face smiling serenely from the covers. There were too many to count, headlines like Bullshit? Bullshit!, Addie’s least favorite, The Queen of Bullshit, but also Bull$hit, which she rather liked, and The Bullshit Phenomenon, which she loved.
Ted walked into the room, smiled wanly at her, observed the giant pile of magazines on what formerly had been his desk, then walked out again, in search of Lissa. “Did you see this article,” Addie called after him, but by then he was out of earshot.
They were in a hotel room, on a vacation in San Francisco, when the phone rang and Ted answered it. “No,” he said, “This is Dr. Schlumberger. No, no, ok, one second, here she is,” handing the phone to Addie, who gestured to him to keep Lissa quiet.
Later, the three of them were outside the hotel when a group of reporters bird dogged them. “How about a quote, Doctor?” asked one journalist. Ted reached for the microphone, but the journalist spoke up, “No, no, I was speaking to Dr. Schlumberger. I took the Bullshit Program—it was great.”
Addie smiled at the reporter and began talking about the new cities where the program was going to be offered, the workbook coming out, the board game. By the time the interview was finished, Ted and Lissa had disappeared, so Addie returned to the hotel room to continue working.
“You saw that, didn’t you?” she said to the guides, “He changed. He wasn’t there for me at all. He stopped being supportive. Didn’t give a crap. And I knew what it was all about. He’d done it before, no doubt was doing it again.”
Addie watched herself driving a car discreetly behind her husband’s auto. It only took a few minutes before it was quite clear where he was going. She sat tensely in her vehicle, waiting for him to enter the sanatorium, entering after him, creeping along the corridor, him far ahead, never turning back.
Ted sat facing Esther, her hand in his. His face was filled with remorse, the pain clearly shadowing his handsome features. “Life with Electra not so hot?” asked Esther tauntingly, but the look in her eyes was kind.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, hon, so sorry. She just needed me so much. She was like this little lost child, and something in me couldn’t resist.”
Esther laughed. “You’re just a sucker for that retro damsel in distress stuff.”
“I didn’t realize it would go so far.”
“Far as your dick could reach, big boy.” Esther smiled at Ted, and squeezed his hand in hers. Ted’s other hand covered hers and they sat silently for a moment, the absolute intimacy between them undeniable.
Addie held her hand over her mouth to keep from crying out. They were talking about her—as though she were a mistake, a regret. What a betrayal!
“Saw her on TV, here in the sun room. On the news. Being interviewed. Quite the little star, our Electra.”
“Yes,” said Ted, “She’s her own person now. Doesn’t need me at all. Grown up.”
“Kids grow up,” muttered Esther, her eyes glazing over.
“Go inside now,” said Mae gently. “Feel what just happened in your heart. Float back into yourself in the corridor if necessary. Be in that moment, and feel your heart.”
Addie could not articulate what she felt, the twisting, cold sensation within her, the shadow that closed down over her, the wall that rose up. “He betrayed me,” she said violently, “He was supposed to put me first, be on my side, be there, loving me, be there forever. He changed.”
Time flashed forward like pages in a flip book and Addie saw the individual images that made up the movie of her life. She went from being a twenty-one year old bride to a twenty-eight year old millionaire with a stock portfolio, an income of her own, success that was phenomenal, yet still on the rise. It all flashed before her almost as rapidly as it had felt while she lived those years. Ted went from the sexy middle-aged doctor to a man in early retirement, involved only in the day to day events raising his child. Lissa went from a baby in Ted’s arms to a toddler by his side, to a small child looking up at him.
Uno’s early retirement and insistence in spending so much time in the company of a small child bewildered Addie, yet she recognized how much her work benefited from the freedom allotted her by Ted’s devotion to their daughter. It was only by chance that she arrived early one afternoon and when both father and daughter were absent from the house, Addie instantly knew where they had gone. Her heart froze and once again she found herself peering around the door in the sanatorium.
There sat her husband and child, laughing with the woman she despised. Lissa stood comfortably between Uno and his ex, and when Esther reached out her arms, the child happily allowed herself to be enveloped. “You’re my favorite little girl,” cooed Esther.
Lissa’s smile was broad and happy, and she crawled into her father’s lap and replied, “No, I’m Daddy’s favorite little girl.” All three laughed and in his merriment, Ted rocked back and forth, Lissa on his lap.
Addie’s face blanched, watching the scene. “Did you see that?” she asked Cerise. “Did you see that?” The scene continued to play in the background but Addie was too distracted to watch or participate. She paced, there in the ether, occasionally raising both hands to her head, pressing against the sides, as though her brain might explode. “I can’t watch this, you know I can’t watch this,” she shouted and walked off, away from the guides who remained next to her no matter how far she attempted to wander. And no matter what distraction she tried to generate, the scenes of her marriage to Ted kept playing.
Hiring the nanny had not been enough. The nanny was instructed never to leave Lissa’s side. She was told that Uno had a serious condition, that he must never be trusted to stay alone with the child. Addie was certain the girl had confessed to Ted what had been told to her, but she swore she had never said a word. But still, it wasn’t enough. Ted was there and she was not. Who knew what he was doing?
Addie, distraught, sat with Lissa and grilled her. “What do you and Daddy do when you’re alone?” she asked casually.
“Oh play, you know,” answered the child. “Read books. Daddy likes Barbies, did you know that? We go on ‘ventures.”
“And does Daddy ever touch you?”
“Tickle time,” exclaimed the child, giggling. “Not my feet though, I won’t allow that, not ever.”
Addie stood beyond the perimeter of the scene, watching her young self as a mother, her arms tightly wrapped across her chest. She was determined not to let these scenes affect her too closely, but she couldn’t help smiling at her daughter’s precocity.
“But you’re a big girl now, aren’t you?” asked Addie. “You’re practically all grown up. Soon you will be as tall as Mommy.” Lissa nodded as Addie continued, “And big girls don’t really sit in daddies’ laps
, do they?”
Lissa squinted, thinking about this, but she clearly wasn’t certain this was true. “Oh yes, sure they do. They sit in daddies’ laps, read books, eat pops, watch TV. Big girls do it all the time.”
“No, no,” said Addie, the voice of reason. “They never do. You can’t be a big girl sitting in a daddy’s lap. You have to promise me, promise you are going to be a big girl.”
Lissa stared deeply into Addie’s eyes, still a little bewildered, somewhat put off by the seriousness of Addie’s tone. But she said nothing.
Addie grasped Lissa’s hand tightly until the child scowled, forcing her to change her approach. “You like secrets, don’t you? I know you do.” Lissa nodded happily as Addie continued, “Well, this can be our secret. Daddy doesn’t have to know you’re working hard on being a big girl. After all he doesn’t work any more, so he doesn’t have anything to do. He likes you staying a baby. If it were up to Daddy, you’d be a baby forever. You wouldn’t want that, would you?”
“I’m not a baby!” exclaimed Lissa.
“Of course not! You’re big, very big. And big girls say no thank you when Daddy says sit in my lap, big girls sit in their own chairs. Big girls spend time with their friends, not their daddies. That’s what big girls do. And maybe, since you’re such a big girl, you might like to have a play date this week. With another big girl.”
Lissa nodded, but her face was shadowy as she contemplated what had been said.
“I had to protect her,” insisted Addie. “She was there with him every day, and had to be warned.”
“What was it you were protecting her from?” asked Mae.
“You know, I know you know.” Addie’s voice had grown hushed, and she sounded almost childlike.
“Maybe I missed that scene. Why don’t you tell me,” said Mae calmly.
“He would have hurt her. Of course. He would. You knew that,” insisted Addie.
“He looked very devoted to me,” said Mae.
“You’re just not seeing it all,” said Addie, frustrated but adamant. “Look,” she continued, but then she was distracted by something in the scene she had never noticed at the time she lived it.
There in the doorway watching her conversation with Lissa was Ted, his eyes burning with rage and sorrow. Had he been there all along? How had Addie missed that?
“So that explains it,” said Addie softly. “I thought he never would have had the courage to leave me then—I was his meal ticket.”
“Wait a minute,” said Mae, “He was a doctor, wasn’t he? No gambling or drinking problem, right? So didn’t he have plenty of his own money?”
“Why are you here exactly? I mean it’s not as though you’re up for the part of Addie in the story of my life, are you? Do they have plays up here?”
Mae laughed, then said, “Don’t think the part’s quite right for me, honey.”
Cerise put her arm around Addie’s waist and said, “I told you Mae is a teacher here. She’ll help you make sense of these relationships. Just trust a little.”
“I know you’re hurting, Addie, and have felt alone all your life. I’m part of your team, on your team. I won’t lead you wrong, I promise,” said Mae.
“Everything here done by team,” said Long Feather.
“So I’ve got regular spirits and what—free lance troubleshooters?” asked Addie, only partially serious.
“Guides will pop in and out when you need them,” said Cerise.
Mae reached out and enveloped Addie in her arms, holding her gently yet tightly. “Relax,” whispered Mae. Addie sighed, feeling her energy slow down, her inner vibration becoming peaceful, her fear dissolving.
Addie turned her attention to a scene off in the distance, and watched herself sitting at a conference table for the first time with The Deuce, Arthur Bittman, a man to whom she would normally never have been attracted. Her sobs had turned to hiccoughs, and each sentence was punctuated by one or the other. “And, yes, I came home to find all my clothes packed in suitcases, and even garbage bags! The locks were changed. And he was holding my baby a hostage!” Addie’s tears flowed violently down her cheeks, her breath coming in huge gasps. “I went to a motel, and my credit cards had all been cancelled. The bank accounts had been emptied out. And even my stock portfolio was frozen. I had to sleep on the couch at my publicist’s house. Humiliating. And I told you—my baby is being held hostage—and you know what—I’ve seen signs he’s planning to molest her. Too much time in his lap. He’s an old man, you know. And he’s been taking her to the sanatorium where his ex-wife resides—among dangerous psychotics and addicts—it’s no place for a small child.”
The Deuce looked calmly at Addie, taking her hand in his. “And you’ve arranged now for your own moneys to go into a separate account?”
Addie nodded, sobbing. “Do you know how frightening this is? I tried to get the police to break down the door, but they wouldn’t.”
“Well, don’t you worry. I’ll have your daughter out of there by this afternoon, tomorrow at the latest.” Artie patted Addie’s hand so calmly that she felt herself taking comfort in the motion. She looked deeply into his eyes and felt he could be trusted.
“See that,” she said to the guides, “That was the moment in which I knew he would take care of me. And he did, well at least he liberated Lissa. And I got my money back. Didn’t even have to go to court.”
A scene unfamiliar to Addie began to play. “Look at that,” said Addie, quite agitated, “It’s Esther back home in my house, in a chair I had recovered, so obviously it was after she left Ted, after he and I got together. When did this happen? Ohh,” she sighed, “I see….”
Ted knelt beside Esther, wrapping an afghan tightly around her lap, taking her hand tenderly in his. “I’ll spend the rest of my life begging for your forgiveness,” he said softly, his eyes glistening.
“No,” replied Esther, “That’s no way to live. I forgive you right now, today, and we’ll hear no more about it. Let’s just be happy from now on, shall we? Focus on the good.”
“At least I taught that scheming little bitch a lesson. You should have seen her face when she came home and the locks had all been changed. The look when she found some of her tacky wardrobe outside in garbage bags. Not a dime to her name. And Lissa didn’t even notice when Addie stood outside shouting for her. It was the supreme comeuppance, and she deserved it. Trying to turn my baby against me.” Ted began to pace, his eyes wildly alight, and he continued, “It’s a good thing the doors were locked against her, because I might well have strangled her. I’d still like to.”
“Ted,” said Esther, her voice calm and absolutely in control of the situation. Upon hearing his name, he turned to her and sat down on the couch beside her, his hand reaching for hers. “You know her issues. You know who she is, or you should by now. I will not build my future on dishonesty. You must not steal from her what is hers. That would serve none of us. You can’t steal her child. Nobody should have to endure that.”
“She tried to do it to me, didn’t she.”
“Sibling rivalry,” said Esther. “Besides, do you think she could have succeeded? As much as that little girl loves you?”
Ted appeared outwardly calm, but his eyes were terrified. “She’s so small. She could be stolen from me. From us.”
“No, of course she can’t. She loves you so. And you’re a good man. The courts will see that. You’ll have your child. And you must give her back all that bullshit money. Otherwise you’ll always be a prisoner and we’ll never be happy.”
“Oh you know I never wanted her money. I just wanted her to be afraid.”
“Honey, that girl has been afraid all her life.”
“You sure don’t sound like a woman who’s spent the better part of a decade medicated in an institution.”
“Seeing my life’s work from the inside out was insightful,” she laughed, “But I never should have been so self-indulgent for so long. I could have been more productive while waiting for you.”
/>
“You knew I was coming back?”
“No, I didn’t know.”
Ted looked at Esther silently for only a moment, but to Addie watching on the sidelines, it seemed a long, long time. Eventually Esther stood up and Ted wrapped her in his arms, and there they stood, merged together, Esther’s hand lying tenderly along Ted’s cheek.
“What a fool she was,” said Addie. “Can you believe she took him back? Well, why not—what else did she have to look forward to. Had she known what was coming for him, she might have thought otherwise.”
“She knew,” said Mae softly.
“What, you mean psychically or something like that?”
“Something like that, yes.”
“I would never have forgiven him,” said Addie. “He didn’t deserve it. Not at all.”
“Everyone deserves forgiveness,” said Cerise.
“Didn’t you hear what she said?” asked Mae. “She said the only way for them to move on was for them to forgive. That’s the way you cut those ties that bind.”
“What ties?”
“Anger, hate, resentment, revenge. I could go on for hours,” said Mae.
“But you said when I got here that I would have to deal with Karma—what I owed. If you owe, then you owe—no forgiveness.”
“Oh sometimes it’s more like ping pong,” said Cerise. “You get into habits and keep hitting the ball back the same way. You kill him. He kills you. You kill him. Very unoriginal, really.”
“So if you forgive him for killing you,” said Mae with a nice touch of drama and a very emphatic pause, “The next time his path crosses yours, you won’t even see him. And the thread is cut.”
“Nobody killed me,” said Addie.
“You just haven’t remembered yet,” answered Cerise. “You will.”
“So you’re saying I should forgive Ted for betraying me with Esther, for giving up on me, for not loving me?”
“But is that really what he did?” asked Mae.
“That’s how it felt. It sure felt that way, sure did,” mumbled Addie.
The Sportin' Life Page 26
