by Terri Lane
“Thank you. Bye.”
As Deana hung up the phone, having been thankfully very reasonable about the whole thing, I tried to put her stupid joke out of my mind. I didn’t need to be worried about that, I just needed to be focused on my recovery. Just because it was the first time I’d had sex in God knows how long, didn’t mean I had to start panicking. We’d been careful... hadn’t we? We did use a condom, right?
Oh God, it was so heat of the moment I wasn’t totally sure. I could barely remember anything past the feel of his delicious fingers against my skin.
I glanced at the calendar and started to run some calculations in my mind, trying to work out the other way of being certain, but I couldn’t totally recall the dates of my cycle. I’d never been regular, and I hadn’t ever needed to keep tabs before, so it wasn’t conclusive.
No, this was stupid. It was a bug, of course it was. I shook my head, all images of babies falling away. Or at least, that was what I wanted to happen. I wanted to just push that away and to move on with my life.
I paced my apartment for a while, trying to clear my brain of those terrifying thoughts but they weren’t going anywhere. What I really needed to do was head to a drugstore, to pick up a test along with some pills to deal with my headache. I didn’t think I was having a baby, but I wanted to get rid of the possibility entirely, just to be on the safe side.
Plus, maybe the fresh air would do me some good...
***
“Come on, come on,” I moaned angrily, while suffering through the longest minute of my whole damn life. How did people do this? It was my first pregnancy test ever, I already knew that it was going to be negative, but I was totally freaked out. I had a brand new sympathy for all the teens back in high school who got a little careless and had to take tests in the school bathrooms... maybe they weren’t quite the bimbos I first assumed that they were. Maybe their fear was genuine, rather than just dramatic.
I kept glancing at my watch willing the time to move faster. The seconds were ticking, agonizingly slowly, killing me.
Tick, tick, tick...
And then I looked up, and I saw the image that would change my life forever. A little blue cross. Positive.
“Holy shit,” I murmured loudly as the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. This was real, I was having a baby... with Adam Martin, a man I now hated with a fiery passion. I tried to see that scene unfolding in front of me, me and Adam together, holding a bundle of joy in my arms, but the whole thing just felt off.
Right now, I couldn’t see it as anything other than a nightmare.
I felt my body collapse to the ground as the pounding in my head increased. Things between me and Adam had always been a bit of a game, especially now that I was a pawn in whatever his weird plan was, but there were real life consequences. There had been a life created, and that was something we were going to have to discuss.
But how the hell was I supposed to have such an important discussion with someone that I wasn’t even speaking to? That I couldn’t even look at? This really was a nightmare.
*
28th July 2006
“Mom, why hasn’t Adam been to see me yet?” I asked her morosely for what felt like the hundredth time. “It feels like everyone else has; you, Dad, Sara, some other girls from school I barely know, but my boyfriend hasn’t been in. He did survive the crash, didn’t he?” I had to admit, I was growing increasingly suspicious with each passing second. Being pinned to this nightmare of a hospital bed gave me plenty of time to get lost in my over active imagination.
“I don’t know why Adam hasn’t been in, dear.” She couldn’t meet my eyes which made it even worse. It was bad enough being confined in this hellish room without any sign of escape, never mind getting absolutely no answers whatsoever. “He’s out of hospital though, so he’s definitely alive.”
“Mom, why won’t you tell me what’s going on? I’m going crazy in here, I’m jacked up on meds, trapped in this room, and no one will tell me anything.” Tears were brimming in the corners of my eyes, I was getting dangerously close to them spilling out everywhere.
“I... I...” There was something that she could say, and that made me feel sick. There was already a lot being kept inside right now, the last thing I needed was something else added to that list.
We hadn’t even discussed the fact that I wasn’t going to college now, it was just this unspoken thing that was hanging in the air, weighing down on the both of us. I couldn’t discuss it yet, I wasn’t in the right place, and Mom wasn’t good at hard chats. She was probably freaked about my future for me, and she didn’t know how to broach it. She knew it was all that I wanted, and I knew it was all she wanted for me. It was just a crying shame that it was out of both of our hands.
“If you won’t tell me anything, will you at least let me call Adam? I just want to hear his voice,” I pleaded desperately.
Mom sighed deeply and sat on the end of the bed. She then clutched onto my hands and stared deeply into my eyes. I already knew that she wasn’t going to say anything that I wanted to hear before she even opened her mouth, it was screaming out of her body language.
“Adam isn’t here anymore,” she admitted, with defeat rolling off her tongue. “He took off, the day he got out of hospital.”
“Huh?” My brain couldn’t process that, it just didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean? Where has he gone? Is he in Texas already? College doesn’t start for ages.”
“I don’t know, his mother was pretty evasive when I asked her. I don’t know if she’s aware to be honest. All everyone knows is that he’s gone.”
I fell back onto the bed, trying to work out what that meant for me now. If Adam had gone without even coming to see me, without telling me, I had to assume that meant he didn’t want to know me anymore. Maybe the crash had made him organize his priorities and he realized that I wasn’t what he wanted. The fact that he hadn’t even bothered to let me know made it obvious that I never meant anything to him.
I was never good enough for him anyway, I knew it. Now it was possible that he did as well. At that revelation the tears sucked back into my eyes. I was far too numb to cry. All my emotions just fell off my body, leaving me an empty husk, a shell with nothing inside.
Now I had nothing; no college, no career, no boyfriend... everything that I thought was going to happen was gone. The guy who hit our car, the drunk driver—whoever that was—he’d taken everything away from me. Where would I even go from here? What was I going to do? All I had was some good grades which I didn’t really want to do anything with, a part time job cleaning at a hotel, and a mom who wasn’t prepared to tell me anything.
My life was nothing, it was pointless. Maybe I would’ve been better off dying, at least then I wouldn’t have had to tackle this whole empty future with nothing to fill it.
“Now let’s not worry about Adam right now,” Mom tried to smoothly transition onto the next subject before I could totally fall apart. “I’m going to get the doctor back in here so we can see where we are with everything.”
“I’m a fucking mess, Mom,” I snapped, using a curse word in front of her for the very first time. Much to her credit, she didn’t even flinch. “My legs are shattered, some other stuff is messed up, I’ll never be the same again. I’ve lost everything.”
“I know it seems bad now, sweetie, but you’ll find a place in the world for you, I promise you that. You’ll find a new path for you. Now I don’t want to say that everything happens for a reason, because I know right now it really doesn’t feel that way, but one day the pain of all of this will go. One day, this will all be a distant memory.”
I nodded, trying to agree with her, but I really didn’t see it. As far as I was concerned my life was over, I was done. Finished at the grand old age of eighteen years old. How fucking sad was that?
“Thanks for being here, Mom,” I shot back impulsively, glad to at least have her with me. “I appreciate it.”
As she held me close I hope
d that she was right, I hoped that one day I could see things in the same way that she did.
*
18th October 2016
Well, my mom was officially wrong. Even ten years later the pain from that day hadn’t gone anywhere. I still felt it acutely, in my gut, all over my heart... I wished that she was still alive so I could go and rub it in her face, to tell her just how wrong she was. Although maybe that shouldn’t have been what I was focusing on. I probably should’ve been thinking about the human life growing in my belly, not the sad fact that I hadn’t been able to move on from a car crash.
I was going to have a baby. That fact was still insane. I’d adjusted, maybe a little bit, I’d accepted that this was really going to happen, but the practical side of things still overwhelmed me massively. Like money, and space, and Adam...
Oh God, Adam. There was no way I could tell him. I had to, he would figure it out on his own of course when my stomach started to swell and grow, but for now my lips were still sealed.
It was difficult to explain this situation in a calm and constructive way to someone who wouldn’t even look at me, so what the hell was I supposed to do?
I shoved the cleaning cart along the hallway with a huff, feeling drained and tired, and more than a little sick. This whole working whilst pregnant thing wasn’t going to be easy if this got much worse. In fact, I got so lost in worrying about that for a moment, that I didn’t notice my worst nightmare coming true until it was too late...
A twisting knot twirled in my stomach as I spotted Adam across the other side of the hallway, talking rapidly into his phone. Usually every time I even sensed him, I shoved my head down and I raced away at the speed of light, but this time my limbs seemed to ice over fixing me in one place.
This wasn’t just Adam anymore and I couldn’t keep acting like it was. He wasn’t just my ex-boyfriend, the one who got away (or ran away), and the man I unwisely had sex with. This was the father of my unborn child... and that felt huge. I felt like I was holding onto an intense secret, one that was dying to be shared. I could barely keep it behind my lips any longer, it was screaming to get out.
As if he could sense me looking at him, Adam’s eyes were drawn to mine as if that magnet was back again. My heart pounded as we stared at each other, as he hung up the phone ending his call. I felt like he could see so deeply into me that he could probably sense my baby there. His baby there. I kind of hoped that he was going to sweep me up in his arms, to hold me, to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
He moved, and my entire body tensed up. Somehow my dream was coming true. Somehow he was actually coming for me. I wanted to spread my arms, to accept him willingly, but I was trying my best to maintain just a little bit of dignity. After all he hadn’t treated me in the best way possible.
But then he brushed past me, as if I was nothing.
I spun with him and watched his back as he stalked off, while everything sunk inside of me. I’d spent so long trying to be invisible that now I actually was. This was him effectively running off from me again, only this time it wasn’t just me he was running from. He might not have known it, but he was leaving two of us in his path of destruction.
The only question I had now was would I accept it? Would I let him treat me like nothing again? Last time I had, I didn’t even bother to look him up after he ran away. I felt like he’d made up his mind, that he didn’t want me, and that was the end of it. But things were different now, this wasn’t just about me anymore. I had to stand up to him... for my baby.
“Hey, Adam!” I yelled, without really thinking about it. Anger was buzzing in my ear, my brain was fogged up with hurt, I was acting out at work for the first time in my life, and I didn’t even care. I had everything to lose... but everything to gain as well. “Is there a reason you’re ignoring me?”
He flicked his eyes from side to side, instantly moving back to join my side. “What are you doing?” he hissed angrily. “You do realize this is a place of business, right?”
“Oh right, so I better not act crazy then. I better not... screw an employee in a hotel room.” Oops, it was all coming out now. There was no stopping it.
“Stop!” He grabbed my arm and pulled me against him, but it was too late, I was on a roll.
“No, you need to face up to your actions for once. You can’t just keep floating through life, banging birds and never having any consequences. Well this time you have done something that’s going to stick with you for life.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I turned to face him, spite filling my mouth like spit. I just wanted him to experience the shock that I had, I just wanted him to know what it was like to be me for a change.
“I’m having your baby.”
*
30th January 2007
“Are you sure?” I asked Mollie, the owner of the hotel where I’d been working part-time for a few months before the accident. I’d been planning to save money for my time at college, it certainly wasn’t supposed to be a full-time thing, but now I didn’t exactly have options being thrown in my face. “I really appreciate it.”
She held my hands and smiled sympathetically at me. “You stay for as long as you want. I know it won’t be forever, I know you’ll eventually want to restart things in the end, but until then you’re welcome to continue on with your cleaning job here.”
My body was healing, enough for me to work at this job. I still had issues with it now and again, but it was nothing compared to the emotional pain. My heart physically ached with every passing second, and time hadn’t yet done anything to dull that. It was possible that the lack of closure hadn’t helped, but there was nothing I could do about that.
I couldn’t exactly ask Adam what was going on, when he wasn’t here. He’d upped and left me without even leaving a note behind. My entire life was in tatters and he hadn’t even bothered to give me a cursory message.
If that didn’t tell me what I meant to him, I didn’t know what did.
I kept thinking of myself, sitting in his car, giggling happily and telling Adam that I loved him. He said it back, but that was probably just to keep me happy. I doubt he meant it. Just because it had been a month old relationship, didn’t mean he was automatically in love with me. His actions since proved that. There was no way in hell that I could’ve left him, he was my everything.
But he’d left me. He was a player when I met him, and he was still a player now. I was just another causality in the hurricane of destruction that he left behind himself when he ran.
I was nothing... and now I had nothing. Except for this.
“Thank you so much.” I forced a fake smile on my face trying to act happy that I could continue with my job in a full-time manner, but internally I felt like I wanted to die. “That’s so great, Mollie.”
I wanted to at least move out of Mom’s home, just to get some space of my own. I absolutely adored her, but to be honest the constant attention from her was getting a bit suffocating. I needed to breathe if I was ever going to live again, and while it didn’t feel possible right now I was hopeful that I’d get to a place where it was.
I would work at the hotel until my life could start again. Once I’d saved up enough I would be on my way to... wherever really. I didn’t know where my future was headed, but I did know I would figure it out eventually.
I had a place in the world, Mom had told me so, I just needed to figure out where that was.
*
18th October 2016
Adam dragged me all the way into his temporary hotel room, reminding me of a time when I was forced to live opposite him, and then he sat beside the room desk silently. I was impatiently waiting for him to finally come around just enough to talk, to say anything about my situation, but it hadn’t quite happened just yet. I was doing my best to remain calm and collected after my outburst, but it wasn’t going well. I was jittering all over.
This was almost worse than waiting for that blue cross to appear, so
mehow this felt even more terrifying. Anything could happen right now, and I was scared shitless to see which way it would turn.
“I’m not good enough for you,” he eventually murmured into his hands, so I could barely hear him. “I never have been.”
“What the hell are you on about?” I perched on the bed, and leaned onto my elbows to stare at him. At least this seemed a bit more real. Maybe I was finally about to delve into the workings of Adam Martin and find out all the truths that I’d been missing out on.
Or maybe this was just another way for him to run away.
“It’s my fault!” he exploded, a decade of pain bursting past his lips. “You lost everything because of me.”
Huh? I cocked my head to one side and gave him an odd look. Was he serious? Did he really think that? My life falling apart had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. I was the one who allowed my life to slide away, the situation that took me to that place wasn’t my fault, but my actions afterwards were all my own.
“If I hadn’t made you go to Tiana’s party, if I hadn’t flirted with her, if I hadn’t insisted on driving that route home, you’d be running now. You would’ve gone to college, you would’ve had your future.” His head fell back into his hands, and I could’ve sworn I heard a tear or two there. Clearly this wasn’t the first time he’d thought about this in the last ten years which stung a little. I didn’t want him to be hurting, but I also didn’t want him to forget about me either.
It seemed that we couldn’t have one without the other.
“What are you talking about?” I repeated, totally bemused this time. I never wanted Adam to blame himself, I didn’t want his life to be on hold like mine was. “It was never your fault. It was a freak accident, and if anyone is to blame it’s the drunk driver, not you.”
“But I...”
“But nothing.” I walked forwards and clutched his face in my hands. “It’s never been your fault. Is that why you left?” It was all starting to make a little more sense now. I never really tried to see things from Adam’s perspective before. He left because he was scared, not because he didn’t love me anymore. That was my own sadness allowing me to think that.
