by Jenna Kernan
“I have feelings for you, Lori.”
She snorted. “Is that so?”
She drew her knees to her chest and pressed her hands to her forehead, tenting them over her brow, shading her eyes. It was all she could do not to rock back and forth like a weeping child. But she managed to keep from crying.
“You wouldn’t see me or speak to me...” Her words were muffled and just as tangled as her thoughts.
He touched her forearm. “What, Lori?”
She dropped her hand, and he blinked at seeing her eyes gone red and the tears testing the edges of her lower lids.
“Your mother blamed me. The school blamed me. Your friends blamed me. And I sure as heck blamed myself. But I wasn’t alone, Jake. You were there, too.”
“I realized that, Lori.”
“All these years we have never spoken about it, about her.” The tears streamed down her face. “You hurt me, Jake.”
“I never intended that,” he said.
“I loved you. I set the moon on you. I would have done anything to make you happy. Even this,” she said, motioning to the blankets tangled about them.
His eyes widened.
“I didn’t trap you,” she said. “You know as well as I do that you asked me out, and that night you didn’t control yourself, like you told me you could.”
“That’s true.”
“Yet when it happened and I told you, you didn’t stand with me.”
“I asked you to marry me.”
“You did.” And the entire episode made her cold inside.
“I’m sorry, Lori.”
“Sorry you got me pregnant, you mean.”
“No. I’m sorry I hurt you. But I would have been there for you and for our baby.”
“Because it was the right thing, and Jake Redhorse always does the right thing—well, almost always.”
“I told my mother that I would marry you against her wishes. What exactly didn’t I do?”
“Waiting was the smart choice. You were always smart, Jake. Tactical. That way you could make sure it was yours. Was that your idea or Ty’s? And did Kee suggest a paternity test or was it your mom?”
He looked away, breaking the connection of their gazes.
“She was mine, Lori. I didn’t need a test.”
“Waiting made all your friends think you weren’t sure.”
He gaped at her as if this never occurred to him.
“That’s not why I waited,” he said to the floor.
“No?”
“Ty told me not to marry you. So did my mother. Just provide support. Ty did suggest a paternity test. I didn’t need one. I knew you, Lori. I knew it was the right thing to do.”
“You always did.”
“But I needed... It was an excuse. A stay of sentence.”
“Sentence?” She heard the hard, dangerous edge in her voice.
“Yeah.” He rubbed his neck, still not looking at her.
“Putting it off was...stupid.”
“Cruel,” she added. “I almost dropped out of high school. Did you know that? The girls were so horrible to me. Then we buried our daughter and you disappeared.”
“I was right here.” He retrieved his sweatpants and slipped them on, sitting beside her.
“You didn’t want to see me.”
“Lori, after the funeral, you told me to stay away from you. You said you never wanted to see me again.”
She remembered screaming at him at the hospital and then at the funeral after they’d lowered the coffin into the rocky ground, the pain and rage tumbling inside her like a rock slide. She did not remember what she had said. Had she told him to leave her alone?
“I did as you asked.”
“And all this time, what, you’ve been waiting for me?”
“Yes, in a way,” he said. “I was waiting for you to move on, move forward or come back and find me again, to look at me once the way you did back then.”
Now it was her turn to stare blankly at him.
“If you want me to apologize for my mother’s words or the actions of the kids we went to high school with, I will. I’m sorry they were stupid and cruel and spiteful. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you where and when you expected me to, or tell them all that I was the one who suggested we lay that blanket in the back of the truck. That I was the one who said I knew what I was doing when I didn’t. And I’m sorry I hurt you.”
She dropped her gaze. Her head was throbbing and her insides knotted. “It hurt that you didn’t have feelings for me. I needed more than responsibility and regret.”
“I would handle it differently now, Lori. We were both kids. Sixteen-year-old kids. We made some mistakes.”
And there it was again.
“Do you know what it was like to be Jake Redhorse’s only mistake?”
His brows descended as confusion dawned in his expression.
“No, you don’t. You’ve never disappointed anyone,” she said. “Exceeded expectations, made everyone proud. Except that one time. Proves you’re human. Right? You made a mistake. Me.”
“Lori, that’s not how it was.”
“That was exactly how it was. I never disappointed anyone. Do you know why? Because no one ever expected anything. I should thank you. You and everyone else who let me know just what they thought of me. Of us. It gave me the kick I needed to prove you all wrong.”
“I’m sorry, Lori.”
Her voice turned shrill. “I don’t want to hear an apology. To hear how sorry you are that we got pregnant or had a child or that our baby died. I want you to acknowledge aloud that we were not a mistake and she was not a mistake.”
He stared at her in shock, his mouth hanging open.
She covered her eyes with one hand and let her head drop.
Jake placed a hand on her back and rubbed. “I’m not sorry for her. Only for the pain our situation caused you. Can you forgive me?”
Could she?
“I can try.” She lifted her hand just enough to see his face.
He gave her a sad, tight smile.
“I need to check on Fortune,” she said.
He let her go, following only with his eyes.
They had been good friends before this all happened, starting way back in elementary school. In high school, Lori had been so smart, helping him with math, and he found himself looking forward to seeing her at school. She was the best part of his day. Then he’d finally drummed up enough courage to take her hand and he’d known right there that the connection wasn’t friendship. It was too raw and visceral. He had been young, but in that moment he knew the difference between Lori and Alice. Alice was a human girl trophy, something to be won because she was the best, most popular girl in their school. Lori wasn’t popular, but she was real and kind and funny and smart. And the feelings she stirred were different, deeper, real. She wasn’t a prize. She made him recognize how superficial his relationship with Alice really had been and so he broke it off with her and she had not taken it well, especially not when she figured out who that other girl had been. He had let things get out of hand. He and Lori had sprung from friends to lovers too fast. Like a mudslide after the monsoons in August. Things had just broken loose and come crashing down around them in a huge, dangerous mess.
He’d let her go. But he never let her out of his sight for long. And he’d been checking on her since she came back to the rez. Driving by the clinic lot to spot her car. Noting when it was gone. Timing his visits to the diner to coincide with hers. Being disappointed when it was Nina or Burl or Verna who picked up lunch. Checking when her light went off in her bedroom window at night after he was on a call.
He’d been following her around since grade school and he’d never stopped. Jake got up and followed her down the hall.
Lori felt his presence fill up the room
, but she ignored him as she clutched the crib rail and bent to look into the crib. The infant slept peacefully, her head turned to the side, her fist pressed to her cheek.
“We were almost parents once,” he said from just behind her. “Now we are again.”
“Temporarily,” she reminded him. “Caretakers. Protectors.”
He reached out and stroked Fortune’s arm.
“She’s not ours, Jake. We can’t keep her.”
“Why not? She’s not a missing infant. Zella doesn’t want her, her mother doesn’t want her. Why can’t we keep her?”
“We just can’t.”
“Because...?”
“Jake.” Her voice held a note of cajoling and also indulgence. “She’s white.”
“So?”
“We don’t let our children get adopted by families who aren’t indigenous because we don’t want them separated from their culture. Isn’t this the same thing?”
He stared down at the sleeping infant. “It’s not the same. She was born to a member of our tribe, for one thing. Our people used to adopt children to replace the ones that were lost. We’ve lost a child.”
“They also took captives from neighboring tribes to replace their losses. Will you advocate that, too?”
He turned to her, looking so fierce that she stepped back.
“I’m keeping her unless our tribal court says otherwise. You can blame me for whatever you want, Lori. But I’m determined.”
She blinked at him.
“We can’t have our baby. But we can have this one and other ones.”
“Is that why you slept with me, to convince me to help you raise this baby?”
He glared at her. “You don’t get it, do you? I’m tired of tiptoeing around you, Lori, waiting for you to forgive me or notice me again. I’m tired of dating good women and finding them lacking because they are not you. But if you don’t want me, I’ll settle for someone who does. I’ll find this girl a mother one way or another.”
The anger inside her vaporized into alarm.
“You can’t go out and just marry anybody,” she said.
“Watch me.” He stormed from the room.
She followed him as far as the hall. He turned back and met her gaze.
“All this time we could have been starting again. We could have had a child or two, a home, a life. Instead, we have regrets and grievances. I’m done with that.”
He turned back around and walked away from her, switching to Tonto Apache, where his words turned to curses.
Chapter Sixteen
Lori woke for no reason she could tell and listened. The sound of a baby’s early vocalizations reached her. She slipped from the bed in her nightgown and headed for Fortune’s room. She had already fed her twice during the night. A glance at the clock beside the bed told her it was closer to seven o’clock in the morning than six, and the light of day was already filtering through the curtains.
She stopped over the crib to see Fortune gurgling and chirping like a baby bird.
“How’s my girl?” said Lori, and then she stopped herself. This baby was not hers.
Fortune did not know this, of course, and now smiled up at Lori in a way that melted her heart. She stroked a thumb over the downy wisps of hair, admiring the shape of Fortune’s head, now that her skull was recovering somewhat from the delivery. The longing and regret were powerful today. Why was she already anticipating the end of all this?
Jake wanted them to keep Fortune. Lori let herself imagine how that would look. A marriage for the sake of this child instead of the one she had borne? A partnership centered on caring for Fortune? Or possibly a second chance.
Her heart ached with yearning as she stood over the crib. Jake wanted Fortune and he wanted Lori, too. But for the baby, she reminded herself, because to think otherwise was to open herself to yet another heartbreak. A man should only be allowed to do something like that to a woman once. She’d be foolish to let him get close enough to her heart to strike another critical blow. Yet here she was, picturing the entire thing in her mind.
They’d had sex. He had apologized, and now she wondered if he had anything more to ask forgiveness for than she did. He had not said he loved her, or that he had ever loved her.
He said he had been waiting for her to forgive him, and in the next breath he’d said he wouldn’t wait anymore and was moving on. Not exactly a proclamation of undying love.
She couldn’t stay forever with this baby and Jake. Eventually, she’d have to go back to her life and he to his. Unless they reached an arrangement.
“Hey there.” Jake’s voice rumbled through her like a rising storm. She turned to see him already dressed in his uniform, his wet hair in two braids that lay on each broad shoulder. He was the picture of a man in uniform, with a clean-shaven jaw that accentuated his wide, sensual mouth. They should use him on a recruitment poster for the police force.
“Good morning,” she said, offering him a smile. Today she felt unsure around him, uncertain of how to proceed or where their relationship was heading. But she was no longer angry.
She’d carried that resentment tucked up under her heart for so long that she now felt like a hermit crab that had lost its shell. There was nothing to shield her anymore from his dark eyes or his charming smile.
He stepped up beside her at the crib and glanced at Fortune, who kicked and flailed in delight. Jake placed a broad hand around the infant’s body and rubbed her belly.
“There she is,” he cooed. “There’s my girl.”
Lori had changed her mind about Jake’s convictions to adopt Fortune. She now believed that he would somehow succeed in becoming the baby’s father. There was still some question on whether she would be included in his newly forming family. She swallowed as she recognized the startling emotion rising up inside her, fragile as a soap bubble. Was that hope?
Jake turned his attention to her. “How are you?”
She nodded, not trusting her voice. Lori cleared her throat. “I’m, you know, adjusting.”
He made a sound in his throat. “Yeah. It’s a lot.”
“Yeah.”
“But good, too. You know, I was ready to be a father five years ago.”
“I know.”
“Will you help me keep her, Lori?”
She wanted him to tell her he loved her and that he wanted to try again. Helping him could run the gamut between changing a diaper to speaking on his behalf before the tribal council.
And she realized then that she would do whatever he needed to help him keep this baby because it was right. He was meant to be Fortune’s dad. “I’ll help you, Jake.”
He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. He smelled like shaving cream and mint toothpaste. Lori inhaled deeply. Jake stepped away and headed for the door. “I’ve got to get my other bag from my unit. Then I’ll make us pancakes.”
Jake whistled down the hallway. She heard the front door click open and closed. Lori turned to Fortune, who was doing a nice job kicking the air.
“Come on, my girl. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
She got the baby changed and dressed. Thanks to Carol Dorset, the tribe’s dispatcher, she had plenty of baby things. Carol was a grandmother many times over and had easily assembled the necessary items.
“You hungry?” Lori asked Fortune as they headed down the hall and into the kitchen.
Lori reached the kitchen and stood at the sink, glancing out at the backyard when she heard a male voice shouting from outside of the house. She moved through the kitchen toward the front door, thinking Jake had called her name, an instant before the back door burst open. Lori’s gaze fell on a petite woman dressed in a yellow satin sports jacket, tight black jeans and sneakers with the laces tucked but not tied. On her head sat a black satin ball cap turned sideways. Above the brim was a glittering gold display of a ro
yal flush. Her eyes were covered with wide, dark sunglasses, and the lower half of her face was draped in a black bandanna. Lori recognized the colors of the tribe’s only gang—the Wolf Posse.
Was this the same woman from the hospital?
She had a similar slight build. Lori’s heartbeat tripled as she faced the woman. She thought she could take her, but not with Fortune in her arms. Lori backed into the living room as a man stepped in behind the woman. He, too, was dressed all in black and wore sunglasses and a hat tugged low over his forehead, a bandanna covering the bottom half of his face. His dark hair hung loose past his shoulders. In the opening of his coat, she glimpsed a breastplate, reminiscent of the ones worn by the warriors of the Great Plains, but instead of horizontal rows of finger beads, this regalia had been constructed of what looked like copper tubing, joined with metal beads and embellished with yellow cording.
Lori backed toward the front door.
“Hand her over,” the man said to Lori.
Lori continued her retreat.
“Where’s the cop?” asked the woman.
“Grab the kid,” he said to his partner.
Lori did not take time to think. She screamed. Then she turned and ran, heading toward the front door. Lori prayed the door would not be locked. Her hand was on the knob.
“Get her!” shouted the woman.
The footsteps pounded across the room as she wrestled with the knob. Jake’s face filled the small window in the door. Something crashed behind her. Lori stepped back as the front door swung open. Jake stood on the concrete step, his service pistol out and aimed down. He reached forward and dragged Lori, still clutching the baby, through the door, then stepped before her, shielding her with his body.
The concrete was freezing against her bare feet. The morning breeze fluttered her nightie about her naked legs. She huddled around Fortune, shielding the baby from the wind. Above her, Jake now filled the open doorway.
“Police!” he yelled in a voice she had never heard before. It rang with authority and scared her almost as much as the intruders had.
She could not see the couple in the house as she instinctively moved away from Jake and crouched beside the foundation, curling herself around the newborn. Her shoulder hit the concrete block wall, abrading her bare shoulder and jarring her teeth. She glanced up as Jake lifted his pistol.
