“You do?” she breathed.
“You know I do.” And by the way he said it, she knew he didn’t mean like that.
Nothing had changed for him. She felt both relieved that he didn’t recognize the slip for what it was, but somehow, equally let down. She turned away, worried that her feelings were too close to the surface, that he’d see them in her expression.
“Usually you’re the one coming with me on these adventures,” he said, “not talking me out of them.”
“I know,” she said. “It’s just…sometimes I think your cravings for that rush are getting worse, and I’m afraid you’ll go too far.” She locked eyes with him, willing him to take her concern seriously. “How far will you go, Alex?”
He had that determined look in his eye, like the one he got right before he leapt off the bridge when bungee jumping. “As far as it takes.”
She stared at him, trying to understand. “To what?”
He stood again. “To do it all. To experience everything. Or maybe…maybe it’s just one thing that’s still missing.”
Walking to the window, he stared down at the strip. The sun was nearly gone. The bright Vegas lights glowed off his handsome face as he searched, like he could find that one thing out there.
“Life is too short, Katie. We’ve got to live it to the fullest, grab every opportunity we can. You’re too reluctant.”
She frowned. Had she not been right there beside him for every one of his crazy ideas? Just because she was the voice of reason, the one to stop and think before diving headfirst, didn’t make her too reluctant.
“Am I too reluctant? Or are you too careless?”
He spun around. “You don’t know how amazing something will be unless you put yourself out there and try. Just try.”
Alex stared at her with an expression that implored her to understand, maybe begging her to try.
Try what?
She’d been trying harder with everything lately, to be more outgoing, to try new things, to go on dates. But as he fixed her with that determined look, she had to ask herself if she’d ever really tried with him. Or did she simply write herself off as not good enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough from the start. If she’d actually tried, would he have picked her first?
It suddenly hit her how differently she felt now compared to two years ago. So did that change anything with Alex? Then she remembered his text. Do you think we can forget about it?
He wished he’d never kissed her. He regretted it.
When she said nothing, Alex rubbed his chest again and moved toward the door. “I’ll see you later.”
She blinked. “Where are you going?”
“For a walk,” he said. “I still can’t relax. See you at the dance.” He waved before slipping out the door, and then he was gone.
Katie spent the next couple hours unpacking, calling her mom, and going through her welcome package. When she pulled out her Wonder Woman costume to start getting ready, there was another knock on the door. Expecting Alex again, she was surprised to see Lexi on the other side.
She held up her Princess Peach costume and a bag of makeup as though in question. “I thought we could get ready together.”
“Sure.” Katie stepped aside so she could come in. “I’ve got a hair curler if you want to use it.”
They took turns doing each other’s hair. Katie was pleased to discover that for once, she was actually better than Lexi at something, thanks to all her practice at home.
They were just putting the finishing touches on their makeup when Lexi eyed Katie in the mirror. “So why do you have all this stuff, anyway?” She gestured to the beauty products crowding the counter.
“It’s all part of my big self-improvement plan,” Katie told her. “I want to be more outgoing, more confident. I’ve been trying a few things to stand out more this year. That’s the reason for the makeup and the clothes and the stupid costume.” She looked down at herself and laughed because, now that she said it out loud, it sounded crazy.
“But if you have to do all that stuff, then are people really noticing you?” Lexi asked seriously.
Katie stared at New Katie’s reflection. “But no one was noticing me at all before.”
“Maybe they weren’t looking hard enough,” she said simply.
Katie looked hard now, unable to see much of herself, either, beneath all the makeup. Had it made a difference? Things were definitely improving in her life, but what did that have to do with learning to curl her hair? Had any of her magazine tips really helped? Looking back on everything she’d tried over the last few months, she suddenly felt very tired.
Sighing, she sank onto the California King bed. “I guess I’m doing it because I feel like I’m always picked last, you know? Last picked for things in school like lab partners, last picked by boys, and last invited to parties. And it’s not just small stuff, either. My dad didn’t even bother to fight my mom for fifty-fifty custody.”
Katie realized that while she had a best friend and other friends at school, she’d never really had anyone to talk to about this before. No one close enough. And she didn’t think Alex would understand. It felt good to talk to another girl. To Lexi.
Lexi hiked up the skirts on her princess dress to plop down next to Katie. “Yeah, but then that makes you your mom’s first pick. And you’re Alex’s best friend. That seems like a first pick to me.” Her eyes dropped to her lap, and her voice grew quiet. “You were my first pick. And when I say you, I don’t mean the clothes and makeup and costume.”
“I’m sorry,” Katie said. “We really don’t have to talk about this.”
“No. It’s fine. I mean, yeah it sucks you can’t be my girlfriend, but I still want to be your friend. We’re past all that.” She waved her hand like she could physically put it behind them. Katie could see a flicker in her eyes that said they weren’t quite there yet, but they were on their way.
It wasn’t like Katie could argue with Lexi that no one noticed her. She noticed her. Her. Not New Katie. Ben had liked her, too, hadn’t he? Enough to go on a few dates, anyway. And he’d known her long before her New Look. Katie just hadn’t felt the same about him.
She took it all in, feeling the truth in Lexi’s words loosen the knots she didn’t even know had wound inside her stomach.
“You’re already the first pick for a lot of people,” Lexi said. “I don’t think you need to try so hard.”
She recalled Alex’s words. You don’t know how amazing something will be unless you put yourself out there and try.
So who was right? Was she trying too hard or not enough? Maybe they were both right. Maybe she was trying too hard with all the wrong things, instead of focusing on what was important.
She realized now that she had been too reluctant, too insecure, and in doing so, she’d let Alex slip away time and time again. Was needing to come first worth the risk of never being with Alex at all?
She didn’t feel like she was the same insecure Old Katie. She didn’t need to be Alex’s number one. Just his only one. She’d wanted it since the first time they’d met, since he’d showed her how to play Conquerors, had asked her to dance at Homecoming. She wanted Alex and only Alex. And no amount of magazine articles was going to help her get over that. It was time to really try with him.
“You’re right,” Katie said at last. “Thanks.”
Lexi nudged her with a shoulder. “You ready to go?”
Katie took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. Almost. You go on ahead, though. I need a few more minutes.”
Lexi took one last look in the mirror and placed her crown on her head. She spun, taking in the flow of her dress before heading to the door. She waved over her shoulder. “See you down there.”
Just before she walked out, Katie called, “Lexi?”
She paused, hand on the knob. “Yeah?”
“Thanks,” she said, infusing her smile with as much feeling as she could, because she meant for more than just the heart-to-heart. She mean
t for liking her for her, for her friendship, and for being so cool.
Lexi winked and returned the same smile. “What are friends for?”
Chapter Thirteen
Alex reached into his Batman utility belt and pulled out his phone. Katie was running late. He and Lexi had already been waiting in the Excalibur Ballroom for twenty minutes. His phone was jammed full with photos of X-Men having dance-offs and anime characters in conga lines. All around them, superheroes were dancing with villains, and pop culture references blended to create the best party Alex had ever been to. However, he didn’t feel much like dancing when the crushing weight was pressing on his chest again. He kept searching the crowd for Katie.
He groaned. “What’s taking her so long?”
“Maybe her zipper’s stuck again,” Lexi said.
There was something in her voice that made his head snap toward her. If her expression held any answers, he couldn’t tell; she’d turned away to watch a group of Star Trek fleet officers order chips at the concession.
Did she think they’d been lying about why he was in Katie’s changing room that day at the mall? Was she jealous?
“Hey, Lexi,” he began, talking loud enough to be heard over the music. “Look, about the costume store…”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said, not taking her focus off the Trekkies.
“I just want to make sure that we’re cool because we’re on the same team and everything.”
She snorted, finding that funny for some reason. “We are definitely on the same team.”
“And because we’re friends?” He said it more as a question than a statement. A hope.
Lexi finally looked at him and nodded. “We’re cool.” And while she really seemed like she meant it, he knew it couldn’t be that easy.
He went on. “It’s just that you and I were hanging out a lot, and you seemed pretty upset when you saw Katie and I—”
Lexi made an impatient sound in the back of her throat. Her eyes rolled to the ceiling before coming back down to land on him. When she took a moment to answer, gnawing on her lip, he realized her irritation wasn’t with him.
“We really are cool,” she said earnestly. “I was upset but not over you.”
“But then who…?”
Lexi fixed him with a hard look. Alex stared back, his brain working slowly at the riddle until things finally clicked into place.
“Oh… Oh!”
His gaze went blank. Instead of seeing Iron Man dancing with Princess Leia in front of them, the last couple of months rushed back to him. He recalled how Lexi was always eager to hang out and do stuff together. What he’d been hopeful was interest in him was actually interest in Katie.
“Yeah,” she said pointedly. “So we’re cool.”
“Cool.”
Alex felt confused by both the turn of events and how he felt about them. Part of him was kind of bummed out that he’d been rejected by a girl he’d chased for weeks. Then again, he knew it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, so he felt kind of relieved.
“Anyway,” he said, “Katie and I are just friends. What happened was just a one-time thing.”
She frowned. “Do you really think I’m the one you should be talking to about that?”
“Katie knows that,” he said. Then Lexi just shrugged like “that’s your business,” and he remembered the awkward atmosphere on their drive there. “But I suppose I should really talk to her,” he said after a moment.
“Good,” she said with a smirk. “Because if you don’t tell her how you feel, then we definitely won’t be cool.”
“Okay…cool.”
“Cool.”
Feeling the pressure build in his chest again, he rubbed the fake pecs of his Batman suit. He pulled out his phone and texted Katie.
Where are you?
A second later, her response popped up. I’ll be there in five.
Alex rolled his eyes. She was still getting ready? He’d never had to wait on her to “get ready” before. She’d never been high maintenance with her looks. Now she was looking for a boyfriend, and suddenly she wasn’t good enough the way she was?
When he looked back up, he was face-to-face with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle—Raphael, to be exact. Alex stumbled back, bumping into Lexi. The guy reached up and pulled off his head. It was Trevor.
Lexi laughed. “Nice. That costume is epic.”
“Sorry I’m late. I’ve been looking all over for you guys. I’ve seen at least ten Batmans. It’s like a game of Where’s Waldo.”
“Oh, I’ve seen him somewhere, too,” Lexi said. “I think it’s the first time in my life that he’s been easy to spot.”
Trevor glanced around. “Where’s Katie?”
“Right there!” Lexi waved over Alex’s shoulder. “Katie! Over here!”
Alex spun around. He had to scan the shifting bodies moving in time to the music. It was a moment before he spotted Katie practically right in front of them. He hardly recognized her.
Tonight, she looked like one of those professional cosplay girls who got paid to go to conventions. Her makeup was done like art on a canvas, and her hair fell in soft curls, rolling over her shoulders and down her back.
The song ended, transitioning into a slow one, and there was a moment of quiet, or else she might not have heard his breathless, “Hi.”
“Hi.”
Lexi’s gaze flicked between the two of them. She grabbed Trevor by the shell on his back and dragged him away. “Come on,” she told him. “Let’s go grab a drink from the concession.”
They maneuvered through a group of stormtroopers doing the robot and were swallowed by the couples starting to sway in each other’s arms. Alex and Katie were left staring at each other.
It reminded him of their first dance together at Homecoming, when it was like there was no one else in that room—in the world—for him. And yet, it had been so hard for him to walk across their school gym and ask her to dance. His palms were sweaty, his head felt like it was full of ants, thoughts scattered, racing. But as nervous as he’d been, she didn’t hesitate to say yes, and he felt like the luckiest guy in the school.
As they danced beneath the rented party lights rigged up around the gym, he’d held her closer than he ever had before. He knew he was going to kiss her that night, in his truck or maybe at her door after he drove her home. He’d tell her that he’d liked her since the moment he saw her, and then he’d ask her to be his girlfriend. The very idea had made him sick with stress, but the way her arms felt around him as they danced made him certain that it was right.
Too soon, the song ended, and they reluctantly pulled apart. The DJ announced that the night was over, and Katie went to grab her coat. As he watched her walk away, his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was his mom. Jason had taken a turn for the worse, and Alex needed to come right away. By the hysteria in her voice, he worried it might already be too late.
Alex texted Katie to let her know he had to go, and she said she could find another ride. When he arrived at the hospital, Jason was unresponsive. In the morning, he finally came around, but Alex could see something was missing in his eyes: hope. That’s when he told Alex about his feelings for Katie. Now that he looked back, that was the moment the anaconda had slithered inside of him and took hold.
He’d never told Katie what Jason had said. He’d never told her why he’d pulled away from her, why he’d acted distant and overly “just friends,” or about the snake that had wrapped itself ever so tightly around his heart. And it was as present as ever as he stared at her now.
She looked even more beautiful than she had in the costume store. But for as confident and powerful as Wonder Woman looked, she seemed kind of shy when she asked, “Do you want to dance?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said.
Moving onto the dance floor, Alex wrapped his arms around Katie like he had a hundred times since Homecoming, only it suddenly felt different this time. He waited for the usual guilty chest-squeezing to get worse, but
it felt more like a held breath that needed to be exhaled.
He knew he should talk to her, explain why he’d kissed her and why he could never do it again, but as her body pressed against his, and her arms wrapped around his neck, those same nerves from Homecoming took over his body and his tongue. Alex the player was suddenly shy.
As they began swaying in time to the music, and he stared down into Katie’s eyes, his worries about everything else—about winning, about Jason, and “emotional isolation”—disappeared. He exhaled like he was finally letting go of that held breath, and it felt as though he hadn’t breathed in so very long.
The music faded into the background, and so did the other dancers, until they might have been the only two people in the Excalibur Ballroom. His arms automatically pulled her closer like he was desperate to keep her there, like it was the only way he could continue breathing. And yet, he couldn’t help but think of his brother and feel guilty.
He sighed. “This is harder than I thought, being here without Jason.”
“Well, Jason’s kind of here, in spirit,” she said. “He’s with all of us, in our thoughts. Heck, we wanted to come here to compete in his memory.”
“I definitely wouldn’t be here without him,” he said. He took her hand and spun her into a cheesy twirl before pulling her back to him.
Her smile dazzled him for a second before she grew thoughtful and it faded. “Jason brought us all here. We have him to thank for our friends. Trevor, Penny, me, you, and now Lexi, too. We never would have met them if Jason hadn’t formed the team in the first place.”
“You’re right,” he said. “He became a different person at the end. More focused on others, on the team, on family.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I miss him.”
“Me, too,” he said, although it still gave him a sharp pang to hear her say it, to see the wistfulness in her expression at his memory. That she would still look that way even after two years, reminded him of them, of Jason and Katie.
“He was always looking out for everyone.” She giggled at some memory. “I’m not sure if I ever told you, but before he died, he made me promise to take care of you.”
Playing Her Secret Crush Page 15
