by Brown, Tara
“I know.” I don't want you to leave me. I don't want to be different. Or alone.
“I think if Kyle and Mr. Milson are there with Jamie and Sasha, the Littles will be fine. But you’ll be alone.” Her words drop off to a murmur.
“I won’t be alone. I’ll bring you all with me.” I try to sound brave.
“Lou, this is a shit idea. You can’t go alone. You can’t.”
“I don't want to, Lee”—I accidentally let it slip out—“but I have to. I have to be strong for my sister and the girls. I can’t endanger them. If people like me are being hunted, I have to be away from them. And if Boulder is a safe city with no zombies, that’s the best chance for all of you.”
“You’re one of us.” She grabs my hands. “We can figure this out. Kyle’s super smart. He can come up with a plan.”
“And I will be waiting in the South for him to do just that. Dude. I don't want to go. I just can’t imagine what it would do to Joey to see me dragged away.” I lose it. My hold and my strength and my lies are done. I break and crack and cry, sobbing quietly. “She shot our mom and our dad died saving me. She won’t lose me like that. If she knows I’m safe and believes I’m just helping out with the army, her resentment toward me will be far less damaging than the scars of seeing me dragged away and shot.”
“I know.” She cries too. We hug and sob.
In the midst of the embrace, my eyes dart to Kyle. Through the tears I focus on the belief that he’ll save me. He will figure out a way to save me. I believe in him more than any other person. Even Mr. Milson and Miles.
Jamie and Sasha each take a turn crying and begging me to reconsider. By the time I’m serving dinner, I’m cried out. I’m puffy and sad but the decision is made and it feels real. I try to eat, forcing food down my throat.
Mostly, I sit quietly while everyone eats and laughs, playing pretend with the Littles.
The girls laugh but Joey doesn't miss my swollen face. Whenever she glances my way she stops smiling. She pauses and narrows her eyes. I wink at her, another lie, like the one I told her after she shot Mom. I’m a liar now. And I’m getting better at them.
Chapter Nineteen
Driving down the hill in the dark, away from the mayor, who I have a hunch is a bad man, and the morons like Kelly and Lance, who were always up to no good, I should feel relief.
But I don't.
“Why do we have to go?” Joey asks again.
“We’ll come back. We just need to go to the city. Did you see the people leaving yesterday when the men from the city came?”
“No.” She huffs.
“Well, some families left. They were getting ahead of the crowd. We’re doing the same. We want to go to the safe city where there’s no biters and no undead. And there’s food and water and electricity. I heard they even have schools.”
“Schools,” Joey protests. It was the wrong thing to say to convince her.
“It’ll be better, Joey. You’ll see.” Julia helps me out. “We’ll find other kids and Furgus will have other dogs to hang with. It’ll be nice to have a real house and water and power. Maybe they even have iPads.”
“You think?” Joey’s eyes widen with that.
Kyle snickers at her. “Yeah. Maybe. And movies and TV and everything.” He’s not jovial, he’s faking it for Joey. When I reach for his hand, he doesn't take it. He hasn't kissed me or touched me at all. He’s hurt, as if I have something to do with how this is turning out.
Sometimes I blame myself.
There have been weak moments when I’ve wished Dad and Kyle had let me die.
My dad would’ve been the best thing for Joey. And he wouldn't have to leave her.
Furgus grunts and moves around the huge SUV we’re driving, whining and trying to get comfortable.
“Gus!” Joey shoves him so he stops trying to sit on her lap. “Lay down!” He whines more but he listens. Kyle drives fast, following Miles who has Jamie, Sasha, Lee, and Erin with him. Mr. Milson and Harold are behind us. All three SUVs are loaded with food and supplies and most of us are packing guns.
We’re leaving the mountain differently than we came up. I wouldn't even recognize us.
When we get onto the main road we take the winding highway back to the turnoff to Laurel, only we don't go left, home to Laurel.
I’ve never done this in my life, come down from the mountain and turned right, heading south. My chest aches almost as much as my palms do from gripping the sides of the seat so tightly. I can’t catch my breath and the Littles aren’t laughing or coloring. They’re not listening to music or smiling.
They’re staring in desperate sadness, anguish. Through their eyes I see it for the first time again, noticing the small details I have grown to miss. A ghost town. The town at the base of the mountain, a town we all knew well, is empty. Our community took food from here the first week, stealing from houses when we realized no one was coming back. All the small towns were cleaned out within a few weeks, and they had to drive all the way back to Laurel for supplies.
“There’s no one here,” Julia whispers.
“No.” I glance back, giving her my best smile, my best attempt. “They’ve probably all gone to the city, for safety.”
She sees right through the lie but she doesn't say a thing. She’s quiet, maybe for the other two. Maybe for herself.
We drive the empty highway for hours, stopping for fuel fill-ups and to eventually take different vehicles.
There is nothing.
Just us and the wind.
It’s cold, being in and around the mountains is cold.
We’re cold. Our hearts are cold.
I stand with a gun out and ready as we fill-up or change vehicles. I keep my ears open, ready and listening. I close my eyes, not needing them as everyone else scurries. It's this way for every fill-up or stop. Me and my gun with my eyes closed and the wind whispering its secrets.
The entire journey sucks.
Not just because I’m driving to the place my family will leave me.
Not just because we have to change vehicles three times and now and then ditch one SUV and double up in the seats for a while.
Not just because it takes eight hours longer than it should to get to Boulder.
Not just because most of the vehicles we come upon need new batteries or jump starts or just won’t start.
And not even because we have to pry the dead bodies out of the vehicles, stealing whatever they have on them that we might be able to use while someone distracts the Littles.
It’s him.
I am that pathetic girl, that weak and in-love person I despise.
He hasn't touched me, talked to me, or acknowledged me since we left, since I decided how this would go.
My sister going on without me is breaking my heart, but this is the right thing for her. She will thrive there. She will have him. Him hating me for choosing her future over my own is killing me.
But I don't have a second option.
Not yet.
“The road’s more congested here,” Kyle mutters, not to me but everyone. “We’re close, aren’t we?”
It dawns on me he has never been here.
“Yeah. Really close. This highway takes us right into the city. That’s where everything changes. You go left and I stay on the hillside and watch you enter the gates.” The Littles are sleeping but I keep my voice low anyway.
“What if we get into trouble? Being so close to the city we might have issues.” He glances at me, almost making eye contact. I miss his green eyes.
“You won’t. And you have Erin and Miles and Mr. Milson with you. And all our guns. You’ll be fine.”
“And what about you?” His eyes dart to the back.
“Stick to the story. I went to see if I could find a friend. If they ask which one, say Tanya. Joey knows how much I care about her.” It’s horrible that my sister will think I chose a friend over her, but at least she’ll be safe. I have to keep saying that to myself, she’ll be sa
fe. It’s me that will be in danger, not her. Never her. “And I’ll have Harold.”
He scoffs at that but he does the thing I need. He reaches for my hand and squeezes. His warmth envelops me with just the touch. I close my eyes and listen to their heartbeats, letting him cover me for a moment.
“I love you, Lou. Even if you’re nuts.”
I make a mental note of this moment, a picture of what it feels like to have family and friends and love and warmth.
I have a horrid feeling I’m going to need it.
An hour later we follow the rushing river and pass by the Alps Boulder Canyon Guesthouse.
I’ve been to it once, with my parents. We went to a wedding nearby. The bride and groom had pictures taken along the river by huge rocks. My mom rolled her eyes and basically called them savages. She couldn't understand why anyone would want to get married that way. The memory of her makes me smile, wishing I’d just loved her, crazy and all.
“It’s kinda pretty here.” Kyle gazes over at the footpath that’s alongside the river we’re driving next to.
“Yeah, it’s a gorgeous area. My dad brought us hiking around this area.”
“Your dad did like to hike.”
“He was so weird. I don't understand how he and Mom met. Or how they fell in love. They had this crazy romantic story about her being so out of his league and winning her over, but honestly, I don't know why he bothered.”
“Was she always a cold fish?” He speaks about my parents like he knew them. He does in some ways. A lot of ways.
“No and yes. With us, always. With him, no. He could melt that cold ice queen in a heartbeat.”
He doesn't say anything, he lifts my hand to his lips and presses. There are things I think we both want to say, but we don't.
We’re too close to the Boulder city limits.
Houses begin to pop up and streets with stop signs, and I know it’s time.
“Pull over here.” I point at the street with the houses hiding in the woods. “There’s a motel. I’ll go hide there and watch you guys go through the gates. I bet they’re right up there.” I point.
Kyle tenses but he does it, pulling off and stopping at the motel sign. I offer him a kiss, not the one I want to give but the one I can give without sobbing and chickening out. I lean in, taking all the scents he makes, deodorant and sweat and anxiety, and inhale them until they’re part of me too.
"Trust no one, no one, Lou. And if the whole negotiating with the government doesn't work, come to the city. Get word to me that you're waiting. I'll grab the girls and we'll leave and go do that farm. We'll make it work. And shoot, every time. Just shoot. Don't worry about questions." He grips me tightly, holding me so hard I feel like we're going to meld into one being. "Come back to me. No matter what, come back to me."
"I will. Take care of them, Kyle. Please." I back away, ripping the Band-Aid off hard. “Before they wake up, go.” My voice cracks as I climb out of the car, hearing Harold climbing out of the one pulled over behind us. Gus gets up, coming to my seat and sticking his massive head out the window. He whines once, nuzzling me through the glass. “Take care of them, Gus. Don't let them get hurt.” He nuzzles more, sniffing and whining. “Go!”
Kyle panics as he grasps the wheel and pulls away. I know he wants to jump out and abandon my sister. I know what he wants. But I also know who he is. He doesn't do it. He drives past as the other vehicle comes up next to me.
Miles is driving but it’s Erin who leans out, smiling wide. “Go find your freak show friends and plan to overthrow the city guards or military. It’s the only way you mutants can live free.” She winks as if this is all a joke and really I’m meeting them at a hotel down the road.
“Take care of them, Miles, Mr. Milson. Take care of the Littles.”
“Don't worry about them, take care of you. And find a way into the city, Lou.” Miles smiles, but we both know the reality of me ever seeing them again is pretty slim.
“Bye, guys.” I wave, fighting tears.
“Take care of Harold. He’s old!” Mr. Milson shouts as they drive away.
The headlights and beating hearts get smaller as I turn to Harold. But he isn’t alone. A teary face pops out from behind him.
“Lee!” I shout. “What are you doing?”
“I’m not leaving you, Lou. We talked about it on the way down, and we all agreed you need someone. You can’t be alone.” She leaps, hugging me before I get too angry. "You're not as strong as you pretend to be."
“And you drew short straw?” I hug back, not admitting my relief in her being here with me.
“Only one who volunteered,” she admits softly.
“Oh.” I can’t lie, my feelings are hurt. Miles, Sasha, Erin, and Jamie all wanted to save themselves more than stay with me? Even Sasha and Jamie after we saved them?
“Sasha and Jamie realize they’re useless, they admitted it. Don't be hurt,” she adds as if reading my mind.
“I guess that’s true.” I try not to sound hurt. “You guys ready then?” I ask Harold over her shoulder.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” He shrugs.
We all turn to face the shady-looking motel, ready to get some sleep before we start the journey south to a place we hope we’ll find, when we hear something. A commotion.
A racing heartbeat comes running our way. Part of me guesses it’s Kyle for a second, but the heart rate is too fast. Someone shouts and another fires a gun.
I step in front of Lee, protecting her fragile body as I prepare for whatever is rushing up on us.
Chapter Twenty
Seeing the face of what bursts from the forest, after all the commotion and branches breaking and gunshots, confuses me. I run toward him, grabbing Furgus’ collar and checking him over for wounds. He’s panting and terrified, but I don't hear anything behind him.
“Wait here,” I say to Lee as she clutches his collar. I hurry along the street, running as silently as I am able until I reach the guard gates of the Settler’s Park parking lot.
They’re massive and metal, not nice metal either, but used and dirty gates with crude bolts and men with guns in uniforms in front of them.
My family and friends are stopped and Mr. Milson is out of the car with one of the guards, explaining something. I close my eyes and listen, straining to hear exactly what is being said.
“Sorry, we didn't know the dog rule. We wouldn't have brought him in if we’d known that. You can scan everyone, we’re all clear. No one has been around anyone contaminated. We’re from the ski resort outside Laurel. Our mayor sent us.”
“We’ll get you all to step outta the vehicle one at a time so we can scan you and then you’ll stand over here.” A guard points at the side of the road.
“Where’s Furgus?” Joey shouts, sobs racking her voice from inside the SUV. I clench, able to imagine exactly how that looks. Exactly what her tears and desperation look like.
“Joey, stop! Now!” Kyle is harsh with her but she stops. She whimpers, struggling to breathe, she’s so upset. “I j-j-just want Lou and G-g-gus. I just w-w-want my sister.” She struggles harder, getting worked up again.
“Lou heard Tanya was still alive and went to find her. She’s going to check there first. Gus just ran out of the car and I guarantee he’s with her. Now you need to stay calm or they won’t let us in here, and we’ll be stuck with no gas and no food and no water. Do you want that? Do you think Lou wants that?” He’s firm but calm, exactly how my dad would have been.
“No,” she says after a moment as though she’s deliberating but her heaving isn't much better; she's just quieter.
“It’s okay, Joey. I know Furgus found Lou. She has great hearing.” Julia tries to calm her down.
“Lou doesn't exist as far as these guys at the gate are concerned,” Kyle’s tone is sharp.
“Okay, Kyle,” all three of them say, sounding sad and scared.
Clinging to a tree, I watch in horror as everyone is brought out of the car and a scan is use
d on their arms. Each one is marked with something and handled roughly to move them to the side of the road as the guards do the next person.
When they’ve all been cleared, they’re herded toward the gates, leaving the vehicles on the side of the road. Leaving their supplies and belongings behind. Joey’s head turns and her shoulders shake as Kyle wraps his arm around her and leads her away.
She mutters something, sobbing.
He turns, saying loudly, knowing I’ll hear it, “Furgus won’t get lost. Lou will find him.” A guard nudges them, using his gun on Kyle’s back. Miles tenses like he might fight. Erin spins, smiling widely and batting her lashes at the guard, her crazy look. I cringe and wait for it, but Kyle manages sanity, possibly because my little sister is in his arms, and shakes his head at Miles. “Let’s go, man. Not worth it.”
Erin tilts her head for half a second, suggesting she might not listen, but she does.
I think we all sigh in relief at the same time.
They enter the gates through a small side door and vanish into the city.
Turning and sprinting back to where Harold, Lee, and Gus are, I panic, needing to see them. Needing to see that this isn’t some trap. “Is there a viewpoint of the city, Harold?” I spin in a circle, trying to judge the mountains the best.
“That ridge.” He points and as he does I break into a sprint, leaving the three of them again. Gus wants to come with me. Lee struggles to hold him back, but I don't turn around.
My feet spring off the damp ground as I push my legs harder and harder. Branches whip past me as my eyes strain to see ahead to plan the route while my legs swiftly carry me.
My fingers claw as I climb the mountainous ridge, springing from each step and jumping to catch myself on the next piece of mountain. I wish my dad could see me now. He always hated how slow I could get when it came to heights. But now they don't bother me.
Nothing does.
I scramble up the mountainside until I'm at the plateau I need. Then I spin and stare, desperate to see my family below.
I scan the streets from the gate into the city, following the path I think they’d take. My eyes burn but somehow the focus sharpens and I'm able to see a little clearer. They are walking next to a golf cart with a flashing light, Kyle hugging Joey and helping her walk. She's sobbing into him, her entire face buried.
