by Gen Ryan
“Goodbye, Rainey.” And with a click, the man I fell in love with at just seventeen years old in a diner, was gone.
Falling to the ground, I clutched my phone to my chest and stared. Where the hell did I go from here?
Chapter Six
Another day, another dollar. I kept replaying the conversation between Parker and me through my mind. There was nothing left. My marriage was over and my effort was for shit. There’s nothing like knowing you’d been trying to keep things together when your husband had been trying to find his happiness elsewhere. I guess I wasn’t worth the effort, and that fucking sucked to realize.
“Hey, Raindrop.” Levi stood at the nurses’ station grinning ear to ear. In his hands were two steaming cups of coffee, and I swear I drooled at the smell of the fresh beans wafting to my nose. I let out a moan.
I had seen Levi in passing a few times since our last exchange. We were cordial, but something about him put me on edge. He was a good guy, I could feel it. But my current state of mind left me in jeopardy of making poor decisions. And Levi was a bad decision waiting to happen.
“If I knew the key to your heart was coffee, I would have started sooner.” He placed the cup in my hand, and I brought it to my lips and closed my eyes, relishing the liquid’s smoothness as it slid down my throat. Coffee gave me life. Crazy, but it did, and this coffee was everything.
“How’d you know how I like it?” I whispered, holding the cup between my hands. I hadn’t spoken to him since that day I laid into him. Nothing like coffee to heal one’s soul and mend broken fences.
“Jean told me.” I should have said something about him asking how I liked my coffee, but I didn’t care. Right now, I needed the coffee, especially since it was only 12:00 a.m. and I was here until seven.
“How’s your husband?” he asked between sips of his coffee. I was taken aback by him asking and nearly choked.
“Parker’s okay. We got to talk briefly a few nights ago.” I coughed and tried to avoid Levi’s eyes as I spoke about Parker. I didn’t want to tell him that I was getting a divorce. That I had no clue where my life was headed. But God, did I want to bare my soul to this complete stranger. He just made me comfortable, even when everything else in my life was going to shit.
“That’s good. Communication is key during deployment. It’s hard, but—”
“Levi! Rainey!” Jean came to the nurses’ station and leaned against it. “Tomorrow night we are going to the Rusty Saloon for some drinks and appetizers. You two are invited.”
“Oh, I don’t usually go out.” I put my cup of coffee down and continued charting.
Jean shook her head. “Right.” She turned to Levi. “I’ve been trying to get her to go out for years, and she always turns us down.”
“Is that so?” Levi seemed amused as he looked between Jean and me.
“I’ll think about it. I’m very busy.” I took another sip of my coffee and tried to focus on the charting in front of me. I had no plans, other than my pajamas, takeout, and Netflix. That was my idea of a good time.
“Busy. Right.” Jean laughed. “I’m off to cuddle the babies!” she said in a singsong way as she nearly skipped down the hall. Jean worked in the maternity ward and adored the babies. I adored babies too and would sneak up there on breaks and hold them. I wanted to be a mother so bad. Parker wasn’t sure he wanted kids.
Now, I was even further away from being a mother. Nothing like going backward in life.
“You don’t have any plans, do you?” Levi raised his eyebrow.
“I like to just relax at home. You know this type of work can wear you out.” I didn’t make eye contact with Levi, but I could feel his eyes boring into me.
“You wait for him to call. Sit at home and hold the phone in your hands.” My head shot up. “My ex-wife used to do that. She said that’s what drew her to find someone else. She hated waiting. It drove her mad.” He let out a small laugh. “So instead of finding balance in her life, she cheated.”
“I’m not a cheater.” I placed down my coffee a little too hard, spilling some of it over the top of the cup. I hardly knew Levi at all, so the thought of sharing with him that Parker had moved on and that my marriage was over seemed a bit odd, but it was on the tip of my tongue to prove to him that I wasn’t the one who’d stepped out on my marriage.
“I’m sure you aren’t. But neither was Heather, my ex. Deployments wreak havoc on relationships if not handled with care. You sitting at home isn’t healthy. I’m sure Parker wouldn’t want that.”
I hated that he was right. I knew my obsession with waiting and never missing a call or e-mail wasn’t healthy. I felt bad going out and having a good time while Parker was in Afghanistan and I didn’t know if he was cold, fighting off gunfire, or had a place to lay his head. If he was miserable, I thought I had to be miserable.
I guess none of that mattered anymore, did it?
“I felt bad. Having fun.”
Levi’s eyes softened. “Come out with us tomorrow. Just for a bit. It’s okay to live your life. Your marriage will be better for it.”
My marriage is over. He has someone else, and I’m all alone.
“Why do you just show up and drop emotional bombshells on me?” I shook my head. “You’re some evil mastermind.”
Levi laughed. “Just know what it’s like, that’s all.” He leaned over the counter, his uniform tautening against his body “What do you say?”
“I’ll think about it.” I grinned. “Now, don’t you have people to save?”
Levi laughed as he walked away, leaving me to focus on my charting and relish the few seconds that the ER wasn’t crazy busy. I didn’t know where life was headed for me, but for the first time in a while, I smiled, and I meant it.
Chapter Seven
I refused to wallow in my own self-pity, although curling up in my bed with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s sounded like a much better idea than having to be dressed in actual clothes and go out. I pulled my covers over my head. If you can’t see anything, it doesn’t exist, right?
I listened to The Notebook playing in the background, resisting the urge to chuck my ice-cream carton at the TV screen. It was all a lie. Romance. Love. The happily ever after. I felt another crying session coming on and buried myself further into my bed. I was safe here.
My phone dinged, and I groaned, fumbling outside the blanket to grab it. I squinted to read the message.
Ava: Put the Ben and Jerry’s down. Get dressed and try to have a good time.
I smiled and typed out a quick reply. I loved that Ava and I had such a great relationship to the point where she knew exactly what I would be doing even without me having to tell her. I rolled out of bed, my head spinning from all the crying. Looking at myself in the mirror, my puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks made me laugh.
“God, I’m ridiculous.” I shook my head at my reflection.
“The best kind of love is the kind that....” Those words from The Notebook made me scoff. There was no best kind of love. There’s the kind that knocked someone over and made them forget who the hell they were. The kind that caused people to lose themselves in someone who couldn’t give two shits, who fell in love with someone else and gave an excuse that the other person deserved better. It was all a load of horseshit, because I deserved not to be cheated on when I put my all into my marriage. All I had to show for it was low self-esteem and an empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s Coffee, Coffee, Buzz, Buzz.
After a quick shower, I threw on a pair of jeans and a flowy top that was dressy enough to look like I put in an effort. Hell, it was better than the ripped yoga pants and stained T-shirt I’d been wearing before. I then headed out.
***
I stood outside the bar and stared inside as all my coworkers laughed and had fun. I was sure I resembled some sort of crazy stalker looking longingly inside with a scowl on my face that could make a grown man cry. Everyone was laughing, dancing, and happy. I wasn’t. It felt wrong going in there and pretending. M
y face was getting sore from fake smiling.
“Are you going to just stand outside or are you going to go in?” I turned around and saw Levi, his normal paramedic uniform replaced with jeans and a plain white T-shirt.
“Probably just going to stand out here and pretend that I’m not ready to have a meltdown at any moment.” I turned back around and stared through the window. Levi moved closer and stood next to me.
“Yeah, looks awful in there. Everyone’s laughing, drinking beer.” I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “Horrific, really.” His lips curved into a small smile.
“Smartass,” I said with a grin.
“Want to go grab a coffee?” Levi shoved his hands into his pockets. It was a harmless question, but my mind wandered to the first date that Parker and I had together. When things were different, simple.
“I’m taking you on a proper date tomorrow,” Parker said.
I sat on my bed and curled my legs underneath me. I tried to contain my excitement as Parker talked about us going to the movies and dinner. Other than the English class I was a teacher’s aide in, that’s the only time we ever got to see each other. It wasn’t enough. Not anymore.
“Have you written any more? There’s a big assignment due in your English class on Monday.”
Parker laughed. “I’ll do it Monday the period before. That’s how I roll.”
I scoffed.
“You disapprove?”
“I don’t know how you do it. My anxiety would be sky-high if I started the weekend without all of my homework done.” I lay back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.
“You need to live, Rainey. You’re a teenager, not a nun.” He sighed. “We only get one life. Don’t waste it.”
“Look at you getting all philosophical on me.” I giggled. “But you’re right. I’d love to live a bit more. Whatever that means.”
“Where’s your mom?” Parker asked.
“Working the overnight shift. Just me, myself, and I tonight.”
“Great. I’m coming over. No work today. Sleepover. I’ll bring snacks.”
I jumped up out of bed. “Wait, what?” I stared at myself in the mirror, my hair was a mess at the top of my head staring back at me, along with my splotchy face and the ever-cool retainer that lined my pearly whites.
“Living starts now. See you in about an hour.” Parker hung up the phone, and I stared in awe at the phone screen. He was coming over. Parker was on his way to my house for a sleepover. Instead of getting myself more presentable, I dialed Ava.
“Hey!” she answered. “What’s up?”
“Parker’s on his way over, and I’m freaking out!” I ripped open a drawer and rummaged through it to find a better set of pajamas or something.
“Holy shit, and your mom isn’t home? Bow Chicka Wow Wow.”
“Oh God. Do you think he’s expecting sex? I’m not ready for that. We haven’t even gone out on a date yet.” I groaned as I held up a T-shirt that said y+u=us from my boy band loving days.
“He’s Parker. Not ever sure what he’s thinking,” Ava said. “Girl, get to know him. Have fun. Relax.”
“But my mom. I should ask her first.”
Ava laughed. “Your mom’s cool, but she won’t be home until morning. She doesn’t have to know. And plus, if she said no, would you turn him away at your door? The tall, dark, and handsome boy who was your fantasy all summer?”
“Well, no.” Ava did have a point.
“There. So, it doesn’t matter what your mom says. I know you like to play by the rules, but tonight, try something different—and send me pictures!” I giggled. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach.
“Okay. I have to go find something other than my boy band T-shirts to wear.”
“Good luck with that. Don’t do anything I’d do!” Ava hung up, and I was left with my overflowing drawers and anticipation that was going to kill me.
***
I jumped when I heard the first creak of the stairs that led up to my fifth-floor apartment. It was a pain traveling up those stairs with loads of groceries, but it was ours. A place that my mother and I both worked hard to keep. I didn’t pay bills. My mother believed firmly that it was her job to take care of me, but I helped clean and attempted to cook as often as I could. School work and my part-time job kept me occupied. I liked to stay busy and have goals to strive for. I opened the door to the hallway before Parker even made it to the top. I knew it looked overeager, but the truth was, I was terrified. Looking down at my pink flowy top and yoga pants, I swear I expected to see my knees knocking together.
“Hey.” Looking up, I fought back a giggle at the sight of him. He wore a ratty T-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms that looked a little too small. They were high waters and showed the white of his socks. “Like my outfit?” He spun around.
A giggle escaped my lips. “I would have kept on my band T-shirt had I known this is how you were coming over.” I opened the door and motioned him inside.
“Depends. What band?” He quirked up his left eyebrow.
“Maroon 5. I never got to see them in concert, but Ava did and bought me a shirt.”
“Nice. Where should I put these?” Parker held up his hands, the two shopping bags overflowing. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I got a bit of every snack food there was. I have chips, chocolate, fruit just in case you want an apple instead of peanut M & M’s for some unknown reason....” I watched him empty the contents of the bag on the coffee table, how he put the candy in one pile, the chips in another. Everything about him seemed so carefree, yet there were parts that were structured, organized, thoughtful.
“What? Do I have a booger in my nose?” He flared his nostrils in the most ungodly way that allowed me to see straight up his nose.
“Ew, that’s nasty. No booger.” I snickered.
“Ah. I’m handsome, right? It’s the plaid high waters.” He stretched out his long leg, further hiking up the pants. “I knew they’d make you fall for me. My devilish plan succeeded!”
Fall for him? My mind raced with hope, possibility, and straight-up lust. It was a mishmash of emotions. I didn’t know whether to tell him I had fallen for him in an I-want-to-lick-your-face-off sort of way since that day in the diner or to tell him that I hoped we could maybe explore something more between us. My mind, ever so active as it was, frantically searched for a response as he stared at me, a Snickers bar in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other.
“You’re all right,” I squeaked out. Smooth. Real smooth. After toying with what to say, that’s what I came up with? Ava would have a fit.
“All right? Damn, way to make a man grow a complex.” With a frown, he threw the Snickers and Doritos on the table.
“Oh, I didn’t mean just all right. I didn’t want to sound too eager. Like damn, Parker, I’ve thought about you since I first saw you at the diner. Or that I love the way you’re honest and kind without being fake. And how you’re not just all right, you’re the most superbly handsome man I’ve ever met.” I took a breath and felt my cheeks heat. Well, I’d done it again. Spouted off more than necessary. I’d turned to walk into the kitchen to compose and probably scold myself when Parker grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.
“Don’t run. Stay.” His words caressed my body and enveloped me in warmth. The insecurity was still there, but more subtle, masked with the comfort that his hand on me brought.
“I didn’t mean to say all that. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
He released my arm and sighed. “The only thing that’s made me uncomfortable these past weeks is wanting to be with you and not knowing whether to just say it.” Parker smiled at me. “But I think you feel something, even if a small piece of you. It’s drawn to me. Isn’t it?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. He wants to be with me? I nodded.
“Let’s stop pretending that we aren’t interested romantically in each other. I’m not seeing anyone else or interested in dating anyone else, are you?�
�
“Not at all. I haven’t dated in forever.” I mentally smacked myself. Way to make yourself look cool, Rainey.
“So, what do you say we call this what it is, a date. Our first official date as boyfriend and girlfriend.” Parker held out his hand to me, and I wanted nothing more than to jump up and down.
I placed my hand in his; it fit perfectly.
We sat down on my couch, and he kept his hand in mine. Our fingers intertwined and some nonsense show that kept him laughing played in the background. Nothing could make this night more special.
“Rainey?” Levi’s voice brought me back to the present. “Are you okay?” I brushed a tear that streamed down my face.
“I’m not. I’m so sorry. I can’t have coffee right now. I can’t do this right now.” I flung up my hands, motioning toward the bar where all my coworkers were hanging out. “I’m not ready.” I rushed back to my car without as much as a goodbye to Levi. There was nothing wrong with him. His intentions were pure, but me? I was hurting. Damaged goods.
Finally making it to my car, I pulled out my cell phone and called Ava.
“Hey, my sister from another mister,” Ava answered.
“My marriage is over. I’m getting a divorce. How is this my life, Ava?” I propped my head on the steering wheel and cried.
“Oh, sweetie. No one plans for this to happen when they get married, but you’ll be better for it. I promise. There are so many amazing things in your future. I can feel it.”
“I’m glad you can feel it, because right now I feel like I’m breaking into tiny pieces. I know he cheated. I know that this is for the best, but why does it hurt so bad?” I wiped my eyes on my shirt.
“Because you’ve been together your entire lives. You guys were high school sweethearts, and you’re starting over, and that can be scary.” She paused. “Listen to me, Rainey, you’re strong. You don’t give yourself enough credit sometimes for all the amazing things that you’ve accomplished in your life. Stop selling yourself short. Pick up those broken pieces and put them back together. It might look a little different, but that’s the point. Not everything is going to be the same, but that’s the beauty of life. Even when it seems like we can’t go on any longer, something exciting happens and we push on and become a better version of ourselves.”
