He looks over at me with the biggest smile like I just gave him a million dollars. That’s when I notice his dimples. He has one on each side. I don’t know how I missed them before. Well, actually I do know. I wasn’t paying attention the first time we met. I was trying very hard not to think about how attractive he was. Now I’ve failed miserably because I can’t help but admire his innocent beauty.
“I can handle being friends. I’m just looking to meet people. I moved here from Florida a week ago. I had convinced my father to give me one more year in my hometown before making me come to one of the coldest places on earth.” He says this with a shiver. Poor guy.
“It’s not that bad. You’ll get used to it. Come on. I’ll show you around.”
After a day full of classes and walking Asher all over campus I’m worn out. So when I walk into our apartment smelling something amazing I smile to myself.
“You cooked for me? That’s why I love you. It smells incredible.” Heather is one of the best cooks. She can make just about anything taste good. Even fish, which usually I hate.
“Of course I cooked. I knew you would be too tired to do it yourself and I’m a little sick of take-out. Now sit your ass down and enjoy a home cooked meal for a change.”
Heather has a very no-nonsense attitude. She is extremely straightforward and never afraid to speak her mind. It can be very humorous at times because she barely hits the five foot mark. She is so tiny it always surprises me when people are intimidated by her. But don’t let her size fool you, when she looks at you with her piercing blue eyes you know she means business.
“Yes ma’am. So how was your day? Or better yet, how was your evening?”
“Don’t go there. You know I can’t talk about him. Let’s just say it was very educational.” She gives me a wink like I’m supposed to know what the hell she’s talking about. I just shrug and fix my plate. Apparently the guy is much older than her which makes the situation that much worse. But I am trying to stay out of it so I avoid the topic. After devouring everything on my plate, I finally stop to take a breath.
“You’re going to make some man very happy someday. The food was incredible. Thanks again.”
“Anytime Maggie. Although I don’t know how much of a compliment that is coming from you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You will eat just about anything and say it’s the best thing in the world!” I have to laugh because she’s mostly right.
“I can’t help it, I like to eat. So how is the internship coming along? Do you think you will be able to handle working while taking classes?”
“Of course. Things at the office are tense when Derek is around but I think that’s just because he gets nervous that someone is going to figure us out. But other than that it’s really great. As long as I keep my priorities in line I should do just fine. What about you?”
“Classes are great but I got stuck with this weird guy for a partner this morning. He seems nice enough, just confused on why he’s here.”
“Really? Is he hot? You could use some hot new guy in your life. Who cares if he’s confused. You can clear things up real quick for him. Wink. Wink.”
“OMG! Stop it. I will not be doing anything to clear anything up with him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to get this semester over and move on.”
That ends our conversation because I give Heather my “don’t mess with me” look. I finish cleaning up in the kitchen and head to my bedroom to start reviewing material for tomorrow. If I don’t stay on top of things I will fall behind. It happened last year. They say freshman year is the hardest because you don’t know what to expect. Not only was I dealing with a whole new world, I was also trying to mend a broken heart. I somehow managed to pass all my classes and stay at a 3.5 GPA. I have to get that up this year and keep it up if I want to get hired by a good company after graduation.
I just hope that Asher can keep up with my study habits. He doesn’t seem thrilled to be here and after talking with him I can tell he doesn’t have a passion for marketing like I do. It’s going to be interesting working with him. Especially considering that he is the first guy who has caught my attention since Vince. And I have to admit, his ocean smell was unbelievable. I don’t know if it was his cologne or just him but I liked it. Maybe a little too much.
After reading every assigned chapter, looking over all my notes and making a few new ones, I decide it’s time to take a break. I head out to the kitchen counter to check the mail Heather threw down when she walked in the door. She never goes through anything but I can’t say I blame her. It’s mostly bills, which I handle. As I’m skimming through the phone bill, electric bill, water bill, I pause at the last letter in my hand.
My mouth immediately starts to dry out making it difficult to swallow. My heart rate begins beating rapidly as my hands start to tremble slightly. Anxiety is slowly building, pulsing through every blood vessel in my body. It feels like I’m being ripped through time, landing in the past. Everything falls to the floor leaving the letter from my mother lying on top, staring me in the face.
I haven’t heard from her since she came to my apartment in Milford. The first and only time I ever stood up to her. I changed my email, blocked her from my social media accounts and told only a handful of people my new address. I really don’t know how she found me. I have to sit down before I pass out from the burst of adrenaline that hit my body when I saw her handwriting. I slide down to my knees until I hit the dingy tile surface, leaning back onto the heels of my feet. I don’t know how long I sit there hypnotized by this tiny, insignificant looking piece of paper.
So many emotions flood my mind all at once. Of course I’m baffled at how she knew where to send it but even more perplexing is why she sent it. Do I really want to know what’s inside that letter? No. I don’t. I refuse to open that door again. She has gone all this time with no attempt to contact me. No desire to apologize or reconcile our relationship. I don’t owe her anything. Deep down, under all the hurt, all the pain, I can feel hope starting to gnaw its way through my resolve. What if she’s ready to acknowledge everything she did to me? What if she got help? Before I can change my mind, I grab the letter from the floor and rip it open.
Dear Maggie,
I am writing this because I want to know if I still have a daughter. I know we haven’t spoken in some time now but I was hoping to change that. I don’t know if you are going to college or if you have managed to screw up that part of your life as well but I’m hoping you can see what you did was wrong and apologize. Then maybe we can move forward. I think you owe me at least that much. Don’t you? You have messed up my life beyond repair. You ran off the last guy that was interested in me. I haven’t been able to date considering I don’t have a place to live. Did you know that I had to stay in a homeless shelter? Of course you didn’t know that. Because you are an ungrateful little brat. I put food in your mouth, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. This is how you repay me? By disappearing? Leaving town without so much as a goodbye? Do I mean so little to you?
So I ask you again, do I still have a daughter? Because if I do, then get your ass back here and take care of me. I did the best I could with you. I guess that wasn’t good enough. Maybe if I had smacked you around some more, you would have learned a little more respect. Maybe if I had messed up that pretty little face of yours, no one would have wanted you. Instead, you run off thinking I’m the worst mother in the world. Well, I’ve got news for you. You ain’t seen nothing yet. If you think living with me was bad, just wait until I see you again. I will destroy you for abandoning me. You left me with nothing. No place to live, no income, no one to take care of me.
Don’t you love me? Don’t you care that I don’t have anyone left in my life? You. That’s all I have left. It doesn’t make me happy that I even have to write this letter. Begging for your help. You are the last person on this earth I want to see. But I’m all alone. I don’t have anyone else. I’m all alone. All alone. Alo
ne.
Dammit. I knew I should have just thrown it in the trash. She hasn’t changed. I can tell she hasn’t gotten help. Her mind was all over the place. It’s almost like she wanted to be nice in the first two sentences, but it quickly morphed into hatred. First, she had to get in her little digs about my life, then the name calling followed, which wasn’t a surprise. But the blatant threats were a bit of a surprise.
I don’t even know what to feel after reading her letter. I guess I should be angry but all I feel is loss. Because I don’t have a mother or a father. How could I ever have a relationship with someone who blames me for their life and despises every part of my being? The really sick part of it all is that after reading the last few words I actually feel sorry for her. Every part of my brain knows that woman is poison, I know that because of the way I physically reacted to her letter. My stomach got so nauseated while I was reading her hostile words that I almost threw up. I just can’t help but sense that tiny piece of my heart tugging at my conscious. The sliver that still aches for the woman who gave birth to me. The woman who raised me.
After reading the letter one more time, I slowly slide it back into the envelope. I get up from the kitchen floor, grateful that Heather is already in bed. If she had seen my initial reaction, she probably would have freaked out. I can’t even begin to deal with my mother. I head back to my room, trying to erase the last twenty minutes. I decide to save her letter, tucking it under my clothes in my dresser. I don’t know why. Maybe as a reminder of what I left behind. Of what I survived.
I climb into bed contemplating the choices I have before me. I can do nothing. I can write her a horrific letter in return. I can go back to Milford and confront her in person. I can try and move beyond that part of my life. Embrace my future at a place where no one knows my past. For now, I choose the last option, move forward without looking back.
Chapter Three
The next couple of weeks surprise the heck out of me. For more than one reason. School has kept my mind preoccupied, allowing me to only think about my mother once or twice. But the real shocker is Asher. He is actually very intelligent and has no problem at all keeping up with me. In fact, I’m finding it hard to keep up with him. He may not want to be in this program but he has a natural talent for it. I am so grateful he wanted to be my partner because he has helped me tremendously. We have spent so much time together that I have gotten to know everything about him.
He has two older brothers, both of whom graduated from the University of Michigan. But he isn’t close to them because he was an “oops”. His parents weren’t planning on having any more kids so when he came along twelve years later his mother was very surprised. I get the feeling that he doesn’t get along with his father but is extremely close to his mother. I try to keep things very short and minimal on my end. He knows I am an only child and that my parents live in Ohio. I didn’t want to tell him that I lost my father. I just want to leave that part of my life where it belongs. In the past.
Here we sit, in the winter garden, waiting for our next class to start. This is our agreed upon meeting place since I have refused to tell him where I live. I keep trying to explain to him that he is technically a stranger and I don’t tell strangers where to find me. He, of course, insists that we are quickly becoming friends so what’s the big deal. He is slowly wearing me down with his kind demeanor and super mad skills in the classroom.
“I kind of know what it’s like growing up as an only child. My brothers were more like uncles than anything else. By the time I was starting school they had already left for college. It’s kind of lonely being the only one. How did you deal with it?” He is always asking me questions that I really don’t want to answer. He doesn’t pick up on the normal social queues like everyone else. I think he was way too sheltered because he just doesn’t get it. I try to shake off the uncomfortable feeling I get when I’m reminded of my childhood.
“I don’t know. I had a best friend. That helped. What about you?” I always try to put the focus back on him. He doesn’t seem to mind. He can talk for hours about himself. Not in a self-centered kind of way, just a clueless kind of way. But I don’t care because his stories about surfing are amazing. He gives so much detail I feel like I’m right there with him.
“I already told you about my two best friends. I miss them so much. Every morning at 5 am Dex would text Seth and me with the most recent surf reports. I don’t think a day went by that we didn’t hit the water. It never mattered if the swell was good or not, we just hit the ocean hoping to catch that perfect wave. They got me through my lonely childhood with their awesomeness.”
Due to our lengthy discussions surrounding surfing I am quite versed in the terminology of all things wave related. A good swell means you have height and duration. And going out during a storm is apparently the best condition for surfing but I don’t recommend it. Frankly, his friends seem a little crazy.
“I know you miss them. It will get better. This is like your freshman year since you weren’t here last year. My first year was awful. But now I’ve gotten the grove of things and you will too. It doesn’t seem as scary after a while. And you will make more friends here.”
“Maggie, it means so much that you were willing to be friends with the dorky surfer dude who doesn’t really fit in. You have really helped me adjust to this new life. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Okay, okay. Enough with the sappy stuff. You have got to stop thanking me. You do it almost every time we talk.” He just gives me his megawatt smile showing off his dimples. Sometimes I think he is more observant than I give him credit for. I can’t help but grin back which I know is what he intended. He knows I can’t resist that gorgeous smile.
“So when am I going to see where you live and meet your roommate? I think we know each other well enough by now that you can trust me. I promise I’m not going to stalk you or anything.”
“Fine. You can come over tonight for dinner. My roommate usually cooks during the week. I will let her know we will have one more.”
“That sounds great! What time should I be there?” He is practically jumping up and down like a school girl. It kind of makes me laugh to see how happy I just made him with something as simple as dinner.
“About 7 should work. I gotta run. I will see you later. I’ll text you my address.”
“Thanks Maggie. See ya.”
I decided it was easier to cave in than to keep listening to his relentless pestering. He has been bothering me from day one to see where I live. I have no clue why. He insisted on showing me his place like a week after we met. I only agreed because he kept begging. He really doesn’t seem to have any boundaries. His room was pretty typical and exactly what I expected. They don’t give you much room for your stuff so you tend to store most of it. However, his walls were covered in posters of the ocean. He said it helped him feel more at home. I guess I shouldn’t complain. He really is just a nice guy trying to figure out where he fits. I should cut him some slack.
I decide to run my errands before heading back to the apartment. I had a book I needed to exchange at the college book store and some letters I needed to mail at the post office. My Grandpa refuses to get a computer so I can’t email him. When I have updates or something I need him to see I have to do it the old fashion way and actually put it in the mail. I stop by the dry cleaner to pick up Heather’s things because she is always doing so much for me. She has to dress up for her internship in swanky business attire. I am so glad that I don’t have to worry about that nonsense for another three years. I love my comfy t-shirts and jeans.
“Hey girl. I picked up your dry cleaning. I hope you don’t mind cooking for one more because I invited Asher.”
“Is that why you picked up my dry cleaning? To bribe me?” I shake my head no letting out a small laugh.
“Of course not. Besides, you’re the one who is always bothering me about meeting new people. Asher is new people.”
“He is your study buddy and partner in class
but I guess that counts. Can you at least freshen up and try to make it look like you want him here?”
“No. Because we are friends. That’s all. But I can help you cook if you want?” I give her my puppy dog eyes sticking my bottom lip out so she knows I have no intention of going anywhere. Especially to freshen up for some guy who is just a study partner.
“Fine. You are so lucky I like you.” I know she’s telling the truth because she doesn’t have many friends here on campus. She told me that the engineering department is super competitive so they don’t really get to know each other. She mostly keeps to herself which is why I like her so much.
We start preparing dinner. She calls me her sous chef. I think she secretly wishes that she could make this her career. I get all the veggies out and wash them off before chopping them up to her precise orders. She had planned to make stir fry tonight, which I love. After we get everything put together I decide it would be nice to set the table. We never do this because it’s usually just the two of us. Just as I finish putting the last plate down, I hear the door.
“I got it.” I yell over my shoulder to Heather who was freshening up in the bathroom.
“Hey Asher. Come on in.”
“Hi Maggie. Thanks again for having me over.”
“No problem.” Just then Heather walks out into the living room. She has a ginormous smile on her face as she gets a good look at Asher. I introduce the two of them and catch her giving me the thumbs up as we head toward the kitchen. I just roll my eyes in response to her ridiculousness.
“So Asher, tell me what brought you to the University of Michigan.” Here we go. I tried to warn her that once he starts talking he usually doesn’t stop. But Asher surprises me.
“The marketing program is really great.” That’s it. That’s all he says. Maybe he’s nervous. Heather gives it another try.
Sublime Resistance Page 2
