by Candy Guard
It was grotesque!!!!! (Or todally gross as Brittainee would say.)
The volume of laughter went UP and when I looked back towards the hotel everyone was pressed against the big glass windows still roaring with laughter at the sight of Jay trapped under Brittainee, her dress and hairdo.
‘Very strange mating ritual,’ Sandy said to me, laughing. I looked round at him just as . . .
It was Myf screeching from the hotel.
Sandy laughed.
I shouted, going scarlet.
‘That’s fine with me,’ Sandy said.
I looked at Sandy, I was sure he was laughing at me and the words, ‘Thanks but no thanks,’ were on my lips just as I heard a distant cry of . . .
‘B U U U N D A A A A L!!!!!’
and a crowd of wedding guests came galloping towards us and top of Jay and Brittainee.
‘Come on!’ Sandy said.
And laughing we ran and jumped on top.
Though by the guests, Jay had been a big hit and seemed unfazed by his encounter with Brittainee. In fact he was positively glowing.
Brittainee had done the being-obtainable-then-not-being-obtainable trick that Julian told me about.
Back in the , So.M.G.! played ‘Lady in Red’ for the first dance. Mum and Julian were dancing, and Fatty was joining in, jumping up at them. Everyone was going ‘Ah how , look at the little doggy,’ but I knew he was just trying to get at Mum’s barley sugar ring.
THEN Jay and Brittainee joined them on the floor doing a (disgusting) slowie.
I just don’t get it – what does he see in her?!!!
Mind you, what does she in him, I s’pose.
After So.M.G.! had finished playing ‘Lady in Red’, they continued with Mum and Julian’s playlist.
I danced with Myf
Roobs
Mum
Julian
Fatty
and tried to avoid at Sandy cos I could FEEL him looking at me . . .
But when I finally braved a stare back over Myf’s shoulder . . .
he wasn’t looking at me, but smiling at Benji B. He obviously wasn’t even remotely aware of me. I could’ve kicked myself (if it wasn’t for my stupid long dress) for thinking he might still be interested.
–25–
Myf is like the Queen. That may sound like an unlikely comparison, as obviously Myf is not old, posh, popular or rich. But she is like her in one subtle way.
They say the Queen thinks the world smells of paint because people have always just finished redecorating when she arrives for a visit.
Well Myf thinks the world is full of people who say shut up. She hears it so often she thinks it is a polite form of greeting. Consequently she takes no notice and continues to put her foot in it at full volume.
As we danced our fourth slowie to ‘Everything You Do’ by Bryan Adams, even though my ear was right next to her big gob and we were just swirling past Sandy Blatch on the keyboards and I was trying to look as graceful as you can with a mad midget treading on your feet – she shouted – yes, SHOUTED –
– she continued at full volume. But luckily I don’t think they heard her as they had just melded seamlessly into a rendition of ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ by Queen. Not that I looked over , of course.
I spent the rest of the party doing the opposite of what I wanted to do, which was look over at Sandy Blatch. When I’d had my nano glance earlier I’d noticed how much he was like Buster Bauble in his So.M.G.! persona.
When I did finally sneak another glance at the stage I was VERY to find that he and So.M.G.! were gone. Completely GONE!
They were such a good covers band that they sounded exactly like the playlist on Mum’s iPod. But really I should’ve realised they were no longer playing when Benji came and asked Myf to dance,
forcing me to dance with my Uncle with the artificial leg for the next four songs.
I had been waiting for SOMETHING to HAPPEN and now it was too late.
Then the lights came up and the wedding was over.
We all piled in to the minibus taxi and headed home for cups of tea. But when we got home something RATHER unfortunate had happened.
–26–
We were all sitting around enjoying that lovely ‘It’s all over now we can relax’ feeling, drinking hot tea and dunking biscuits,
when suddenly there was a loud scream. Mum and Julian’s passports had been left next to Hamwich’s cage and he had dragged Julian’s through the bars and shredded it to make a new nest.
They were supposed to be leaving the next morning for Greece.
Mum burst into tears.
‘Well your father and I just had a night in Skegness and back to work the next day,’ Grarol informed us, adding, ‘You could still go. Shame to waste the tickets.’
‘I’m not going on honeymoon on my own!’ Mum cried.
Julian put his arm round her, ‘I don’t mind, Susan, you’ll probably have more fun without me there . . .’
She looked like she was considering it, but then wailed,
‘No! I want to go on honeymoon with my husband!!!’
Myf, Roobs and I caught each other’s eyes.
–27–
Myf, Roobs and I went straight to the shed to have a meeting. WE HAD been planning to stare at the poster and giggle and talk about how excited we were about seeing them live. Roobs had put the £200 in her dad’s account so we could pay with his card online at 9 a.m. the next day.
‘But the agenda has changed,’ Roobs said with utmost seriousness. ‘We have enough to get a new honeymoon for your mum and Julian. I think we should have a vote.’ She rang the bell.
‘The question is, should we use our money to buy a new honeymoon for Sue and Julian Mould? All those against, say nay.’
Myf’s and my arms twitched violently with the effort of keeping them down and we literally had to press our lips together to not say ‘Nay’.
‘All those in favour, say aye,’ said Roobs. She shouted ‘Aye’ and her arm shot up, but mine and Myf’s sort of fluttered into weak teapot spout shapes around our shoulders,
and we croaked ‘Aye’ and nearly choked on it. But then,
a loud voice BOOMED in the doorway.
It was Ricky.
‘Ricky!’ Roobs admonished. ‘Don’t be so selfish!’
‘So what did you mean to say?’ Roobs asked him, in her best head teacher-ish voice. Ricky and looked at his feet.
‘The ayes have it!’ Roobs pronounced.
We snuck up to Julian’s computer and went online to look for last minute holiday deals. Myf didn’t quite understand the passport thing . . .
But Roobs got on the phone to her dad who suggested Center Parcs and we found a last minute deal at the Sherwood Forest one. We paid for it and printed out the details then went and presented it to Mum and Julian.
The screaming was DEAFENING.
Julian insisted on a group which was quite . . .
Grarol looked a little shame-faced (even with her permanent eyebrow) and said,
‘Oh. That’s so generous of you, girls, and you’ve forsaken going to see your favourite band?’
‘It’s called selflessness, Mother.’
‘Is it? I see . . .’ she said, thoughtfully. ‘And how much are these tickets to see Oh My God!?’
‘£40 each including booking fee and £10 for the coach ticket,’ Roobs told her.
‘Hmm,’ said Grarol, tapping on her gold plated calculator.
Mum and Julian went off to bed, and Jay and Brittainee settled down to watch a gross-out movie, Roobs, Myf and I went to the shed where we were spending the night to giggle and stare at our poster (Buster Bauble was extra like Sandy Blatch, and I tried not to think about how I messed up again) – it was OBVIOUS Grarol was going to get us tickets!!!!!
–28–
The next morning, we over-slept and it was 9.37 a.m. and we leapt up and rushed into the kitchen. Mum and Julian had already left for Sherwood Forest and Grarol was making breakfast �
� the only downside of Mum going away was Grarol was staying and was giving us grapefruit segments for breakfast. We didn’t mind though because she said immediately:
‘I have a surprise for you, girls! I thought what a selfish Gra- Grarol I am, and how I should do a selfless act like you did SO . . .’
We all started quaking with excitement as she got out an envelope . . .
‘I have booked something for you I know you will ! . . . Well, open it!’
I tore it open . . . we looked at it . . . it didn’t look like tickets, or even a receipt for tickets. It was a scrap of paper – with a picture of So.M.G.! on it – a sort of flyer.
‘I don’t understand, Grarol.’
‘Well, the covers band that played for free last night at the wedding – they are actually an tribute band!’ she said triumphantly.
‘Yes, Grarol, we know,’ Myf said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.
‘Well, aren’t you excited?! I’ve arranged for them to come and give a concert for you and all your friends in the garden tonight!’
‘Oh,’ Roobs said.
I tried to look , but I was quite excited. That meant Sandy was coming round and I would have an excuse to stare at him and giggle without looking too obvious. Myf as usual said what I was thinking.
‘Ooh, actually that’s quite exciting, because I reckon that Benji Whatsit fancies me which means I now fancy him and I get to hang out with him again!’
It was a lovely sunny evening and we had called all our friends who were fans (Ricky and Dot).
We also asked Mrs V
round to say thank you for the money and even included Jay and Brittainee, who were both being much nicer since they had got together. Brittainee had even bought Julian some new slippers for his honeymoon.
We arranged blankets and cushions on the grass and cold drinks and some crisps and chocolate which we paid for with our remaining £20.
The sun was setting by the time So.M.G.! started playing under the apple tree, and they played acoustic so it wasn’t too noisy. Sandy played a glockenspiel instead of keyboards and they did all the hits, especially the soppy ones in a really nice soft summery way.
Even Benji was laid back though he did start laughing when Myf waved her scarf that had said ‘Buster’ but now said ‘Benji’ on it.
If we closed our eyes it was just like being at the real concert (except without all the screaming girls ) and if I opened my eyes it was still like being at the real concert because Sandy really did look like Buster Bauble (except he smiled and winked at me which I knew Buster probably wouldn’t do and I could look at him and smile back because it would be rude not to when he was playing a free concert).
Afterwards we all sat under the stars and ate pizza that Grarol had made – she even let Fatty have a slice
– and we all talked about the wedding and everything that had happened and it all started to seem funny now. Sandy said, ‘Bundling Jay and Brittainee with you was the best bit, Jelly,’ and we both giggled.
Then I lay on my back and Sandy lay beside me.
I could feel him staring at the side of my head, but I didn’t feel any need to tuck my ears in. Insults can stay with you for years, but so can compliments, and I knew I would last quite a long time on ‘cute ears’.
I pretended not to be interested when he started telling me in a low voice why he wasn’t going out with Angel Farraday any more. He said it was because she had gone to a music academy for gifted triangle players. My cute ears pricked up when he said in an even lower voice, ‘But the real reason I’m not going out with her any more is the same reason you wouldn’t go out with me . . . because she was too short.’ I spluttered with laughter at this – which made it quite hard to look like I wasn’t interested.
I looked around at my lovely friends. Myf was laughing with Benji,
Roobs was being given a maraca lesson by Callum,
and Ricky was tickling Fatty’s tummy.
Suddenly, I was rather looking forward to being Jelly Mould and felt a little twinge of excitement in my tummy about the future.
Myf’s self-help book was based on my first published book (published by me!). It was quickly followed by How to Embariss Your Friends and the How to Be Cleva Quiz Book.
Sadly they are now out of print and not available in any good bookshops.
Here is a rare first edition of Tricks in Inoyation:
Thank you to the team at Macmillan – Rachel Petty, Helen Bray, Rachel Vale, Fliss Stevens – and especially Tracey Ridgewell, who goes beyond the call of duty doing the fiddly job of putting the pictures and words together and who is always chirpy and kind.
Thank you, as always, to my agent Veronique Baxter for listening and feeding me cappuccinos.
Plus a special thanks to Matthew Harding, who came up with the name ‘So.M.G.!’ for the O.M.G.! tribute band.
And last but not least, thank you to my mum for letting me have so many pets, and yet drawing the line at a kangaroo even though I had already designed the enclosure.
Books by Candy Guard
Turning to Jelly
Jelly Has a Wobble
FIRST PUBLISHED 2015 BY MACMILLAN CHILDREN’S BOOKS
THIS ELECTRONIC EDITION PUBLISHED 2015 BY MACMILLAN CHILDREN’S BOOKS
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TEXT AND ILLUSTRATIONS COPYRIGHT © CANDY GUARD 2015
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