“Ha!” Hannah said.
She and Renee locked eyes.
“Just ten minutes,” Maya said.
“But no pressure,” Hannah said, getting a half smile out of Renee.
“An hour, tops. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Renee bit her cuticle, looked to Hannah for feedback.
Hannah felt Maya’s elbow in her ribs. She elbowed her back harder. Smiled at Renee. “I want you to stay too,” she said carefully. “It’d be really nice to catch up. I haven’t seen you in forever. But I also don’t want you to be uncomfortable. And I don’t want Blue to be uncomfortable either.”
Maya groaned. “What’s so wrong with being uncomfortable? Sometimes it’s necessary. You think pouring alcohol on a cut isn’t uncomfortable? But that’s how you kill the infection. That’s what starts the healing.”
“Actually,” Hannah said, “doctors advise that plain soap and water is best.”
Maya gave her a hard stare.
“Just saying,” Hannah said. She turned to Renee. “Maybe she has a point. It could be a good thing.” Based on Blue’s behavior, she wasn’t sure that was true, but technically it couldn’t be ruled out. “I mean, if I were you, I think I’d do it. And I’m afraid of everything.”
Renee chewed her lip. She looked at the house, at her car, back to the house. There was something else, something new moving into her eyes. “Okay. Ten minutes. Literally ten. And then I’m out.”
“Hooray!” Maya said.
“Hooray,” Hannah said. She thought of what Blue’s reaction would be. Wondered if it was too early for Xanax.
They headed inside in single file as if traversing a simple suspension bridge, everything tense and wobbly as they crossed the strange terrain of such a loaded reunion. Across Nana’s driftwood floors scuffed by years of sandy feet, past the minimalist furniture in the living room, the mindless summer reads lined up on the shelf, and back into the kitchen. Hannah remembered the first time she’d walked into this house, standing in that beautiful foyer, the light so soft and pretty it felt staged for a photo. Her whole body had breathed, deep and free.
Now everything was stressful. The silence strained against her desire to break it. She couldn’t think of what to say. She didn’t know how to be around Renee anymore. It was so strange the way they were struggling with the most basic interaction when once they’d been like particles in a quantum entanglement. She tried to remember how it all went down, how they’d gotten so separated from Renee to begin with. In the aftermath of that night, they’d spent so many hours together, in and out of the police station giving witness statements, long nights in the hospital waiting to find out if Henry’s condition would improve. Everyone operating in a zombielike daze. The anxiety was relentless, and whatever life there was beyond Henry was happening on the periphery of her consciousness. Dimly she recalled Blue actively avoiding Renee, the two of them sitting on opposite sides of the waiting room. But at the time Hannah had no energy for anyone else’s dramas. All she cared about was Henry waking up. Then somehow amid all of that, September appeared, its sharp blue skies startling her with the reality that life kept moving, had not stopped for him. Her friends were, unfathomably, off to college. She remembered Renee stopping at her house to say goodbye, her car piled to the roof with luggage. They’d hugged each other tightly, made all the right promises, though Hannah had seen in Renee’s eyes that she was already gone.
For a few years after she would occasionally get a handwritten card from Renee or a voice mail, always thoughtful, always concerned. But Hannah could feel a distance that lived beneath the words, and she understood that which went unsaid, that Renee was doing what Renee was best at—she was running. From that night. From the blood. From the taint of memory. From all of them. And both Hannah and Maya had let her run because what else could they do? And besides, Hannah understood it. Sometimes she wished she could do the same.
Now she looked around for Blue while Maya dug into the grocery bag of snacks she’d brought and ordered Renee to sit. Hannah grabbed a plate to put cookies on and whispered to Maya as she passed, “Blue’s going to kill you.”
“Blue’s going to kill us,” Maya whispered back. “You’re abetting.”
As if on cue, she heard the side door close and then Blue appeared stone-faced in the kitchen.
“There you are!” Maya said with a big ingratiating grin. “You done hiding the body?”
Blue ignored her, went over to the counter and leaned against it. She glanced quickly at Renee.
“Hi, Blue,” Renee said, softly.
Blue nodded, quick and gruff. “Hey.”
Twin souls, best friends, all those years of love and rescue before everything went wrong. Hannah held her breath, willing repair between them. If it was going to happen, this would be the place, in this house where they once bantered and gossiped as Nana quietly chuckled in a nearby room, enjoying their presence. Hannah had loved that—being quietly enjoyed. It made her feel so safe.
“So,” Maya said. She smiled expectantly at Blue and Renee. “Here we all are.”
“Cheers,” Hannah said. She held up her Oreo, the only available object, and then quickly put it down when no one else did.
“Let’s crack open that delicious wine Renee brought, shall we?” Maya said. “Blue, point me to a corkscrew.”
Blue nodded toward a drawer and Maya went and retrieved it. She handed it to Blue along with the wine. “If you would be so kind as to do the honors, madame...”
Blue rolled her eyes, took the bottle, expertly uncorked it, handed it back.
“Effortless.” Maya beamed. “You should’ve been a waitress.” She pulled out four glasses and began to pour.
“I’m good, thanks,” Renee said.
“Nonsense,” Maya said, filling up her glass.
Hannah grabbed hers, took a big gulp, held it back out for a topping off.
“So Renee, did I tell you that our brilliant friend here—” Maya pointed to Blue “—was recently profiled in the New York Times? The paper of record. Our little Blue! Isn’t that amazing?”
“That is amazing,” Renee said, smiling tentatively at Blue. “Such an accomplishment.”
Blue responded with a tight, close-lipped smile.
“She’s going to be the next George Soros! Tell Renee how they named you number one in Wall Street’s ‘Top Thirty under Thirty.’”
Blue looked at her steadily. “You just did.”
“Well, yes, but I thought you might want to elaborate.”
“No thanks,” Blue said.
“Okay, to be revisited,” Maya said cheerfully.
Hannah and Blue exchanged looks, shook heads. Maya was undeterrable.
“Renee has great news, too, don’t you, Renee?” Maya said, plopping down in front of Renee.
“Well, no one’s calling me George Soros,” Renee said.
“Nor me,” Maya said. “Of that I can assure you.”
“Who’s George Soros?” Hannah said.
“Like I said, Hannah doesn’t get out much,” Maya said. “So Renee...spill the news.” Before Renee could answer, Maya said, “Renee’s getting married! Our very first wedding of the group! Isn’t that great?”
Hannah smiled politely. Her face was beginning to hurt from all the polite smiling.
Blue looked out the window.
“Second, actually,” Renee said.
Every head jerked in her direction. Even Blue’s.
“I beg your pardon?” Maya said.
Renee gave a nervous little laugh. “Yeah. Technically I’m a divorcée.” She paused, blushed. “It was... We were very young obviously. Just graduated—I had no clue what to do with my life. He was Italian and I was there studying art. We got married like a week after we met. Broke up in front of the Trevi Fountain, of all places.”
&n
bsp; “Wow,” Hannah said. She and Blue exchanged a stunned look. She didn’t want to criticize anyone’s life choices, but getting married within a week seemed like questionable judgment. She’d never known Renee to be so reckless.
Renee must have sensed her concern because she squirmed in her chair and her cheeks turned red. She took a quick self-conscious glance around the room, those eyes reading everyone. Then she sat up straighter, smoothed her hair and smiled. “It was dumb, I know. But fortunately it all worked out in the end. And now I’m with my dream guy. Darrin is... I’m very lucky. You guys would love him.”
Hannah’s mind was filling with questions. Would they be invited to the wedding? If they were, would they go? She knew Blue wouldn’t. And then she and Maya couldn’t, could they? It seemed like another no-win situation, and her stress levels rose just thinking about it. The others must’ve been having similar thoughts, because the sudden return to quiet felt loaded.
“We actually met at a wedding,” Renee said, as if rushing to fill the void. “I was the wedding photographer. We joke that now having a wedding is like coming full circle. Unfortunately the couple whose wedding it was are now divorced.”
Hannah was reminded of how uncomfortable Renee used to be with silences, how she would scramble to fill them, how much it seemed like another form of running.
“Anyway,” Renee said, seeming to run out of steam. She peeked at Blue and sighed. “George Soros, huh? That’s amazing. Really, so cool.”
Blue nodded, but her face was hard and inscrutable.
The refrigerator hummed. Renee drummed her long, perfectly manicured nails on the table.
“Oh, here, let me show you a picture of Darrin!” Renee said. She took out her phone, pulled up a photo, passed it to Hannah. “That’s us on my birthday. The night he proposed.”
“Oh, wow,” Hannah said. She didn’t want to sound too enthusiastic for fear it might piss off Blue. “He looks nice.” He had thick black hair and shiny eyes and the kind of seductive smile that she distrusted but knew lots of other women liked. She held the phone up to Blue behind her. She noticed Renee watching for Blue’s reaction, seeming eager for her approval. Blue nodded at the photo and looked away.
Maya leaned over to have a look, as well. “Well, hello there, handsome!”
Renee laughed, more nervous than mirthful, and held out her hand to show them her ring. Something about the way she displayed it reminded Hannah of that stuffed animal fortress. “We live in this cute little cul-de-sac in Connecticut. Lots of trees and kids running around. I just love it. Maybe you guys can visit.” Her eyes darted again to Blue.
“I like cul-de-sacs and trees,” Maya said. “Just lock up the kids and that sounds great. Doesn’t it, guys?”
Blue pulled out her phone, began scrolling the news.
Renee’s face fell.
Maya frowned. “Something interesting happening in the world, Blue?”
“Just people being awful as usual,” Blue said, without looking up.
Hannah slunk lower in her seat.
“People suck,” Maya agreed. She turned back to Renee. “I gotta tell you...every Darrin I’ve ever slept with was a total maniac in bed. I mean that in a good way. And there’ve been like four of them.”
“Ew,” Hannah said.
“Seconded,” Blue muttered.
Renee smiled and shook her head. “Oh my God, Maya,” she said, “I’ve missed you.” Then after a pause, quietly, sadly, almost inaudibly into her lap, she added, “I’ve missed all of you.”
Hannah made a sort of cooing noise. She wanted to tell Renee how much she missed her, too, but then she caught the hardened look in Blue’s eyes, her lips pressed thin with anger. Whatever went on between the two of them must have been worse than Hannah could imagine. Blue had always been as loyal as a rescue dog, only bit when provoked. But what could possibly be that bad? To give up a sisterhood? To still be this furious after so many years?
As Hannah wondered this, the room went suddenly blurry. It was as if she were floating away from it, above it, seeing it at a distance from her body. There was a bright flash of light behind her eyes. Then a clicking noise in her brain like a camera going off. She knew that light and clicking sound well. The warning signs. She squeezed her fists, trying to stay present, but the images came anyway.
The girls at the party. Blue and Renee playing beer pong while Maya danced. Henry’s arms wrapped tightly around her, his lips grazing her ear as he sang to her the words of the love song playing on the stereo. Someone shouting over the music. Then Blue in a torn sweatshirt, bloody at the neck. A piercing scream—her own. Fear so loud in her ears it sounded like a waterfall. Henry! Henry!
She blinked, resurfaced with a silent gasp. A shiver of adrenaline went through her. Then the nausea hit. Keep blinking, she thought, fast as you can. It was what Dr. Maloney had taught her to do whenever she had flashbacks, because the mind can’t see images in the midst of a blink. Her stomach listed. She stood and went to the window, opened it wide.
“You all right over there?” Maya said.
“What?” Hannah said, stalling. The last thing she wanted to do amid all the tension was mention anything about that night. “Oh yeah... I just... I think I might be getting sick.”
Maya laughed. “You always think that.”
“Right,” Hannah said. She tried to smile but couldn’t quite get there. Sometimes it was funny that she was the designated neurotic but other times it bothered her. There were reasons she was the way she was. It wasn’t because she was weaker or less than or ridiculous—which is how they made her feel sometimes. Unintentionally, of course, but still. And yet they’d all seemed to survive so much better than she—Renee so in love, Blue and her success, Maya breezing through life like she was given the answers to the test while Hannah had studied and studied and still failed. Maybe this was why she didn’t like being in the world. It forced her to realize just how messed up she was.
Breathe. Blink. Stay present.
She drank some water. Waited for the shakes to stop. Her body felt weak and drained. Her mind activated. A lingering sense of disorientation, like she was a time traveler stuck between worlds. Couldn’t get her bearings in either.
She was used to the flashbacks by now. Not that they weren’t always upsetting. Trauma brain, it will pass, she told herself. Whatever happened has already happened.
But this time something new had unsettled her—the image of Blue in the ripped and bloody sweatshirt. Usually the flashbacks were the same. But this was a piece she hadn’t remembered before, couldn’t place in her recall of that night. Why was Blue bloody? Why was her sweatshirt ripped?
MAYA
“Well,” Renee said, standing. “I should hit the road.”
“No, wait!” Maya said, jumping up. “We have to take a picture first.”
She made them gather for a tense selfie and pretended not to notice Blue deliberately stepping on her foot. “Man, you guys need a tan,” she said, shaking her head as she looked at the results.
“And you need an off switch,” Blue said.
“I have one! It’s right—” Maya dug into her pocket, pulled out her middle finger “—here!” She laughed at her own joke. Blue did not join her. Fleetingly Maya considered that she really might have been wrong to have invited Renee. Up until that point she’d figured the ends justified the means, but now she was starting to think she wasn’t going to get the end she hoped for. It gave her an uncomfortable constriction in her belly, like her pants were too tight, so she discarded it quickly. Any minute now Blue would get over it. It was easy to maintain disconnection when you didn’t have to look someone in the eye. That’s why the internet was such a hellhole. But once Blue and Renee had some real face-to-face time together, Blue would be forced to see Renee’s humanity, to remember the whole of her, their friendship. And that’s what Blue needed—to remember
Renee. In the end Blue would thank Maya. They all would. Maya just had to stall Renee.
“Okay, well—” Renee said.
“Oh! Speaking of photos,” Maya said quickly, “look what I have.” She ran to her bag, dug into it. Brought out the picture she kept taped to her locker at work, the one of the four of them at the fair the last time they were here twelve years ago. “Look how cute we were.”
The other three moved in closer to get a look. The air changed, charged with wonder and wistfulness that they could ever have been that young, that carefree.
“Ah, the pre-cellulite days,” Renee said.
“I miss my high alcohol tolerance,” Blue said.
Hannah said nothing. They all knew what, or who, she missed.
“That reminds me!” Maya said, pulling out the list she’d made of all the fun things they’d ever done at the house so they could do them again. “Is there anything you can remember that I need to add to this list? I know we need to get wine coolers and cheap beer.”
“We’re thirty. How about vodka?” Blue said. “I’m sure there’s plenty in the house.”
“Nope. We’re doing it old-school. Exactly like before. Also, we need stuff for a bonfire on the beach. Hey, Renee, remember that summer you accidentally set the beach grass on fire and almost lit up a multimillion-dollar mansion? Good times. I guess we can skip that part. And we need to go whale watching for sure, since we missed the boat last time...”
“Wasn’t that because you got pulled over?” Renee said.
“She mooned a cop,” Blue said, looking at Maya.
“You dared me!”
“To moon someone. Not a cop.”
“You should’ve been more specific.”
“Hey,” Renee interrupted, “does your list include those cute boys we met?”
“Ooh, almost forgot about them,” Maya said. “Remember that dark-haired guy who loved Blue?” She wiggled her eyebrows and Blue turned a stunning lobster red. “You introduced them, right, Renee? He was hot. What was his name again?”
East Coast Girls Page 10
