“I’ll stay until Blue comes back down,” Renee said. “Because it’s nice to talk with you guys. But then I’m out. You wouldn’t eat dinner with someone who hated your guts either.”
“I would literally light myself on fire and toast a marshmallow off my own burning ass if it meant having lobster by the ocean with my lifelong best friends,” Maya countered.
“Wow, that’s specific,” Hannah said.
Maya passed them each an Oreo. “And anyway, Renee, Blue doesn’t hate you. Note that she didn’t even try to kill me when I suggested it.”
Renee fingered a small silver cross around her neck. Hannah didn’t recall Renee being religious when they were younger, though admittedly she changed interests and beliefs just about every week, so it was hard to keep track. It used to drive Blue and Maya crazy. They hated how Renee adopted the tastes and hobbies of whomever she was dating—their favorite music or style of clothes or sports teams. They thought Renee was subjugating herself, letting boys dictate who she was. Hannah always suspected Renee distrusted that who she was would be enough. Or maybe she was trying to build a self from the outside in. It was hard to be sure because Renee had always been a bit of a cipher.
“That’s a pretty necklace,” she said, reaching out to touch it. She often wished she could believe in God. It seemed easier. “I didn’t know you were religious.”
Renee shrugged. “I didn’t used to be.” She paused, searched Hannah’s face like she was peering around a shower curtain, making sure no one scary was lurking behind it.
Hannah smiled encouragingly and Renee continued.
“After my first marriage ended, I was walking down the street one night, crying, just lost. I didn’t know what to do or where to go or who to call. It was pouring rain and there was this church on the corner with this warm glow of light coming from the open door. I ducked inside to get out of the rain and there was this organ playing and people were singing, and you know that feeling you get when a group of people sing together—that sort of rush of love for humanity? Anyway, I took a seat at the back and everyone near me turned and smiled at me, and it was like... I don’t know... I felt this unconditional love there...like regardless of who I was or what I had done or how I had screwed up my life, all that mattered to them was that I was there. That was enough. And I just felt this sense of peace that I hadn’t had in so long.” She paused as if she’d revealed something she hadn’t meant to. Hannah caught her eyes and they exchanged a knowing look. “Anyway, it was incredible. I felt so...relieved. I don’t even know why. I guess because there was finally an answer. Someone had an answer to what I was supposed to do. I was baptized like six weeks later.”
“That’s lovely,” Hannah said. “I’m so glad you found it.” And she was glad the church had been there for Renee, that it had helped her. But also, she wanted to say, Why didn’t you call us? When you were lost and scared and didn’t know what to do? Why didn’t you call your best friends?
“Last time I walked into a place of worship, I was sure I’d burst into flames,” Maya said.
Renee laughed.
“But Blue goes to church... I think. You should talk to her about it. At dinner.”
“You’re relentless,” Renee said.
“You miss me though,” Maya said.
“I do. I miss all of you.” She turned to Hannah. “Tell me about you. What have you been up to?”
Hannah tried to think of what she’d been up to. Worry. Phobias. Isolation. Loneliness. “Not much,” she said cheerfully.
“Still working on the Great American Novel? You know, Darrin has a friend in publishing. I’m sure he could get him to take a look at your work.”
“Oh...ah...nothing that’s finished yet...” Heat rushed to Hannah’s cheeks, her shoulders hunched over her shame. She knew she should be writing. Everyone was always asking about it like they were taking her emotional temperature. But ever since that night, her mind had turned on her, created dark terrifying pieces that always ended in disaster, until finally she realized it was making things worse—the stories she was telling herself. At Dr. Maloney’s recommendation she’d tried journaling instead. But every time she stared at the empty page, she thought, There it is. My autobiography.
“I get it,” Renee said. “There aren’t enough hours in the day, as Darrin likes to say.”
Hannah could practically hear what Blue’s thought bubble would be if she were here: Darrin, Darrin, Darrin—puke. But everyone was like that when they were in love.
“You’ll write it eventually,” Renee said. “Hey, how’s Henry?”
Hannah brightened. No one ever asked about Henry. She understood it was too hard for her friends—that like all difficult things in life, it was easier to avoid the subject. But understanding why didn’t leave her any less alone with it. And now here was Renee with her warm receptive eyes, asking after him, treating him like he was still a person to be asked after. “Oh, he’s...” She caught Maya eyeing them. Hannah often got the feeling Maya had opinions about Henry’s condition that she was politely holding back. She had a good idea what those opinions were, which was why she let the subject be avoided. “He’s good. Fine. Thanks for asking.” She smiled painfully as her moment plunked and sank.
Blue reappeared in the kitchen. Her eyes were small and red. Hannah didn’t know if she’d been crying or was stoned.
She made a beeline for the snacks.
Mystery solved.
“I’m gonna call Darrin. Excuse me,” Renee said, ducking outside.
“Tell him you’re staying for dinner!” Maya called after her.
Hannah had a feeling dinner was going to be deeply uncomfortable. She swallowed. Sore? Not sore? Already she knew her obsessive, malfunctioning brain would chew on this question relentlessly. Forever on high alert because of that one time when she wasn’t. She tried to forgive it, be grateful for its hypervigilant, if misguided, efforts to protect her. But the truth was she wanted a new one.
“So glad you could finally join us!” Maya said to Blue. “Care for a Funyun?”
Blue grabbed the whole bag, sat down and shoved a fistful into her mouth. “Why is she still here?” she said, eyeing the patio where Renee stood with the phone to her ear.
“You’ll be happy to know she’s leaving right after dinner,” Maya said casually without looking up from the real estate section of the East Hampton Star.
Hannah marveled at Maya’s ability to spin things. It was truly a gift.
“Look at these insane houses,” Maya said, expertly changing the subject. “Ten bedrooms! Who even knows ten people they like? Hey, Blue, you ever think of getting into real estate?”
“Nope,” Blue said.
“I hear it’s a great investment. You could get a few houses. You know, smaller ones. Not necessarily here. I’m thinking like...Jersey. Get some renters in them...”
“I already have one job I hate, but thanks,” Blue said.
“Well, just think about it,” Maya said. “I may know of a place.”
Renee returned and the air was instantly tense and charged again. It was like a storm front moving in and out. No wonder Hannah had a headache. She dug into her purse for both an aspirin and a Xanax.
“Jesus, you got a whole pharmacy in there?” Maya said, peering into her bag. “Is there a little man in a white coat in your wallet taking prescriptions? Can I order some opioids?”
“No, you’re too happy,” Blue said. “It’s intolerable as it is.”
Renee laughed and Blue looked up in surprise. Their eyes met. Renee had always been Blue’s best laugh track. Both Hannah and Maya watched with held breath. Then Blue pushed out her chair with a scrape and went to the window, turning her back to them. Renee cleared her throat. Hannah sighed, resumed her search for pills. She checked the pockets once, twice. All the bottles were there except the Xanax. She felt another twinge of an
xiety, a discordant pluck of her nerve strings.
“Maya, do you remember where you put my Xanax?”
“What?” Maya said.
“Please tell me you didn’t leave it at the motel...”
Maya swallowed.
Hannah’s panic spiked.
“Nope,” Maya said. “I for sure did not.”
Hannah breathed. It was somewhere around here.
Renee stared down at her phone. “Darrin’s not answering calls or texts.”
“He’s probably not answering because you’ve already called and texted and you just left him like four hours ago,” Maya said.
“I just want to make sure he’s not worried about me,” Renee said.
“It doesn’t seem like he is,” Maya said.
“No, of course. Right. Why would he be?” Renee said, with a quick smile. “Anyway, he’s probably just at a movie or something.”
Hannah noticed Renee’s brow still held the crease.
“I should reserve tickets for Sunday’s whale-watching adventure on the high seas,” Maya said. She pulled out her phone, tapped at it, scanned the website. “Jeez. This shit is expensive! Well, it is the Hamptons. The life preservers probably have Hermès belts.”
“I’m not going,” Hannah said. “I can shop while you guys hunt Moby Dick.”
“I will refrain from a hunting dick joke since there’s some truth in it,” Maya said, scrolling. “Anyway, of course you’re coming.”
“No way. You ever read the story of that guy who got stranded at sea and ended up eating half the crew?”
Maya didn’t even look up. “He survived, didn’t he?”
“And half the crew did too,” Renee pointed out.
“All set,” Maya said, putting her phone down. “Four tickets reserved.”
“Four?” both Renee and Blue said at once.
“Three!” Maya said. “I meant three. Didn’t I say three?”
Hannah suspected Maya in fact meant four and bought four, but she wisely kept her mouth shut.
“Now let’s eat,” Maya said. “I say we hit that overpriced tourist trap on the docks. My treat.”
Hannah’s jaw dropped.
Blue feigned a heart-clutching stumble backward in surprise. “You lift someone’s credit card?” She checked her pockets for her wallet.
“I’ve got a job, remember? I’m very responsible now. One hundred percent trustworthy with money.”
Hannah and Blue eyed her skeptically.
Maya grabbed Renee by the shoulders and led her out to the car like she was her prisoner—which she kind of was. The others followed, and soon they were all buckled in and oddly silent, and everything was super awkward again. They took Star Island Road to the docks where a small village of shops and restaurants huddled in a corner by the bay. The dark water panted, casting a slight fishy tang into the air. To the east, the sun’s purple finale slashed the sky where it fell, black night dropping around it. A breeze swept up, warm and salty as a kiss.
Maya parked the car and the others climbed out. “Hold on,” Hannah said. “I’m still looking for my Xanax.” Maybe it had rolled into the front. Or fell out of her bag in the trunk.
“It’d be easier to look in the light of day,” Renee said.
“I need it now.”
“Well, I’m going to eat the maître d’ if we don’t sit down soon,” Blue said.
“Go in,” Hannah said. “I’ll be right behind you.”
She watched them leave and then pressed her hands under the seats. Nothing but the paperback she’d brought and Maya’s empty candy bag. She searched the trunk.
Please be here, she thought. Please. Her body revved. The night turned ominous, seemed to breathe down her neck.
“Come on!” Blue called from the door. “They won’t seat us without you.”
A sudden flash of light. That clicking sound.
Henry at the party. Come on! We gotta go!
She blinked hard against it.
“In a sec!” she shouted back to Blue.
She gripped the back of the car, trying to ground herself here. Solid road under her feet. Dense, sultry air and swishing bay and friends nearby.
But it was too late.
Some part of her was back there.
The cops breaking up the party.
Henry desperate to leave. “I could lose my scholarship!”
The two of them running through the crowd to get the others.
They’d found Blue and Renee lying on lounge chairs by Check’s pool, staring up at the stars.
“We gotta go!” Hannah cried.
“Shh,” Blue said. “We’re getting a tan.”
Renee laughed. “She’s stoned. She just told me she thinks she was a carrot in a past life.”
“She’s gonna be in jail in this life if we don’t get out of here!” Henry said, gesturing toward the police officers silhouetted in the living room window.
They helped Blue to her feet, the four of them dashing and stumbling across the night, Renee out in front as always; she could’ve run laps around them, she was that fast, even drunk.
The beam of a flashlight swept over them. The cops had breached the backyard. Blue turned, pointed. “The po-po.” She threw her hands up. “I didn’t do it! I’m innocent!”
“Oh my God,” Hannah said.
“Please shut up, Blue,” Henry said, but he was laughing as he said it; he could not stop laughing as he ran.
Hannah was laughing, too, and trying not to, because it was taking the air she needed to flee, but she wasn’t really scared, or rather only scared enough for it to be fun. The sense of pursuit reminded her of childhood—of playing games like Manhunt and Kick the Can on hot, summer nights, life in her lungs, every game an excuse to be chased.
Down the too-dark road they flew to where Hannah had parked her car and Henry his.
“Wait! Where’s Maya?” Hannah said, and then they heard a voice shout “Here!” and there was Maya running up behind them, waving her bra in her hand, her shirt on inside out, breathless with the uncharacteristic exertion. Henry looked to Hannah and burst out laughing all over again. He loved her ridiculous friends so much.
Hannah glanced back at the house. The cops were preoccupied with other partygoers. They were in the clear.
Henry kissed her. “You all right to drive?”
“Totally sober,” she said.
“You can come back to my house if you want. My parents won’t be home until late.” He wiggled his eyebrows and she laughed.
She looked back at the girls. She’d hardly seen them all night. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said.
“Be safe,” he said.
“Always,” she said.
She hadn’t known it was a lie.
* * *
Now standing in the parking lot as Blue walked impatiently toward her, Hannah wanted to scream back to the teenagers they once were, Stay at the party! Don’t leave! Turn yourselves in to the police!
If only.
If only.
If only.
Hannah blinked and blinked.
“I have weed back at the house, if that helps,” Blue said as she neared.
“I really need my Xanax.” Just having the bottle in her hand could sometimes soothe her nervous system.
“Where was the last place you saw it?”
“Maya had it.”
They exchanged a knowing glance.
“I’ll help you find it when we get back, okay?” Blue said.
Hannah nodded. Blue’s uncharacteristic gentleness made her throat swell with that particular kindness-induced grief. She wished she could tell her about the memories, seek comfort in the shared experience. Instead she pushed her thoughts into the present. The glow of restaurant lights and the long, rocky
arm of the jetty stretching into the bay, the happy vacationers that would be dining inside, her friends nearby. It’ll be fine, she told herself. I can do this.
“Sorry you had to come and get me.”
Blue shrugged. “Spared me five minutes with Renee.”
“Sorry about that whole thing too.”
“Yeah. Not the trip I was hoping for,” Blue said.
“Story of my life,” Hannah said, and their eyes met and they both laughed and for a moment Hannah really did feel better, she felt recognized. She could tell Blue did too.
They went inside, the restaurant all shiny beer-colored wood and thick white tablecloths, windows on all sides overlooking the shimmying water. Families everywhere wearing lobster bibs and sunburns and smiles. Instinctively Hannah went to sit next to Maya—a mistake; Blue would be stuck beside Renee. Blue lurched in front of her as if the seat next to Maya’s was the last in a game of musical chairs.
Renee folded her napkin into her lap, stared out at the bay.
Hannah slid in beside her, looked at Maya. “The Xanax wasn’t in the car.” Her palms started to sweat just saying that out loud. “I’m really starting to freak out. Are you sure you didn’t—”
The waiter materialized, red faced, with a bread basket. “Can I start you ladies off with drinks?” he asked with an Irish accent.
“Four vodka tonics, please,” Maya said.
“Oh no, I just want water,” Renee said.
Maya frowned at her, turned back to the waiter. “Three vodka tonics—” she pointed to Hannah “—and make hers a double. She lost her drugs.”
“Sorry to hear that,” he said, flipping his order pad closed. “Coming right up. And, uh... I may know a guy...”
“Thanks, I’m good.” Hannah smiled politely.
“I might hit you up later,” Blue said to him.
East Coast Girls Page 12
