Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  I squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the searing pain that radiated through my brain. Vomit filled the back of my throat. Nick’s face entered my brain as Trip climbed overtop of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, praying that I would fall into the distant memory.

  It wasn’t going to be long before his failed attempts would become part of the past. He was finally going to fulfill his goal; he would get what he wanted. His body was no longer unresponsive and seemed as if it were finally going to cooperate with him.

  I continued to fight, scream and protest against him, but I knew I didn’t have much fight left in me. I had never felt more helpless in my entire life. Tears streamed down my face as he whispered vulgar words into my ears.

  “You can thank your daddy for this,” he growled. “Don’t act like you won’t enjoy this.” I screamed again; this time louder than before. I begged for help, asking God to make it end. My moments of silence were over. I screamed until his slammed his hand over my mouth, crushing my nose beneath his palms. I cried out from the pain, feeling the fire spread throughout my face.

  I felt his body press against me.

  He was on me.

  In me.

  Suddenly, the weight of his body was thrown off me. I opened my eyes and struggled to see through my tears and blood. It only took me a few moments to understand what was happening. I watched as Nick hovered over Trip’s naked body, slamming his fists into his skull.

  I couldn’t move or speak; I stared in complete horror as Nick repeatedly beat Trip into oblivion. He didn’t stop until my father pulled him off of the seemingly lifeless body and shoved him out of the room.

  My father turned around and found me sitting in the corner of the room. His face was contorted into a look of terror. He lifted me into his arms and carried me out of the bedroom, into the hallway. He removed his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders, repeating the same phrase over and over again.

  “What happened, Hayley? Hayley, what happened?” I couldn’t open my mouth. I couldn’t breathe or speak. I couldn’t shift my body to see where Nick or Trip had gone. I had turned into a statue. My father turned away from me and entered the bedroom, leaving me alone in the hallway.

  “Hayley,” Nick whispered. He lifted his finger to touch the side of my face, causing me to collapse onto the ground. I screamed as he wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest. My throat grew hoarse as I wept, gripping onto him harder than I ever had. He held me as tightly as he could, careful to not hurt me. He repeated that he was sorry over and over again as he stroked the side of my head.

  “I’m here, baby girl,” he whispered. “I’m here.”

  It wasn’t long until my father tore Nick away and began frantically asking him questions. Tears were streaming down his face as Nick quietly explained what he had walked into. I was horrified to see my father in such a distraught state; it was more emotion that I had ever seen him display.

  “I have to call the police,” my father whispered, finally escaping the shock he had been in. His fatherly instincts were kicking in. “I’m not sure why you’re here,” he began, “but I need you to get Hayley to the hospital. I don’t want you being here when the police arrive.” I watched as Nick nodded his head and walked over to me. “I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

  “Dad,” I managed to whisper. It was the first time I had spoken. My father tore his bloodshot eyes away from the room Trip’s body lied in and stared at me. “Daddy, don’t call the police,” I begged. I knew what was going to happen. They were going to question why Nick had been here in the first place; they were going to discover what was going on between us. “Don’t call the police.”

  “Hayley come on,” Nick urged. “We have to go.”

  I violently shook my head back and forth as tears streamed down my face. “I can’t lose you!” I screamed, covering my eyes with my hands. The thought of Nick leaving me made me feel as if someone was repeatedly stabbing me in the chest. Bile crept up my throat as I pictured him being taken away in handcuffs. I leaned over, releasing my stomach’s contents.

  “Daddy, please,” I begged. My father placed his hand on the side of my face and shook his head back and forth.

  “I have to call them,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry Hayley.” Tears fell from his eyelids and landed on the floor. “I should’ve never brought him around the family. I…I thought he was innocent.” He wrapped his arms around me and used his free hand to cradle my head like a child. “I’m so sorry I failed you,” he cried. Nick rested his hand on my father’s shoulder and informed him that he had called the police.

  As I made my way out of the hallway with Nick, my father called after us. “I’m going to fix this,” he promised. Nick nodded his head towards him and then led me into the living room. I sat on the couch and waited as he grabbed me a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. I hadn’t realized that I was still undressed. The state of my shock had not yet left my body.

  As I waited for Nick to return, my mother and Lacy walked inside. They both dropped the bags they had been holding and ran over to me, asking me hundreds of questions. My mother had tears streaming down her face as she inspected my nose.

  “You may want to speak to your husband,” Nick informed my mother from the top of the stairs. He ran down to me and helped me put my sweatpants and shirt on. My mom shoved an accusing finger against his chest.

  “What did you do to my baby?” she shouted. Nick wrapped his arm around my left side and helped me stand to my feet. “Let go of her,” she warned. Lacy stared at me with her jaw ajar, unable to speak.

  “I’m going to take her to the hospital now,” Nick told her. I silently made my way out of the house with him. My mind felt detached from my body. Nick helped me into the car and secured my seatbelt across my chest. I couldn’t help but stare at his blood-stained fists. I knew we were both thinking the same thing.

  “Is he dead?” I finally asked. Nick ignored me and drove well over the speed limit. “Why was my dad so adamant on you leaving?”

  “Hayley,” he warned. “Everything is going to be okay.” I could tell by his tone of voice that he was unsure of what was going to happen. Everything wasn’t going to be okay; not after this. Not after what we had both just been through. “I’m so sorry,” he finally whispered. “I’m so sorry you had to see me doing that. It’s just that when I saw him, on top of you…I lost control.” His arms shook as he spoke.

  “I saw what he was doing, and I wanted him dead.”

  Forty-Six

  Nick

  After thirty minutes, three nurses and a sedative, Hayley was unconscious. Hayley’s father had arrived shortly after and forced me out of the hospital room. We sat silently in his car, staring at my knuckles.

  “Is he dead?” The shock of what had happened was departing, though the memories were fresh in my mind. Images of my fists connecting with the unmoving body filled my head.

  “Coma,” her father whispered. I closed my eyes, forcing them to remain dry. “Why were you there?” he asked me. I opened my eyes, meeting the stare of a concerned father. Seeing my face seemed to confirm his suspicions. “How long?” His voice cracked with each word.

  “Since September,” I whispered. “Six months.” Air was sucked between his teeth.

  “And you’re her teacher?” I nodded my head slowly. “It’ll be considered an abuse of power,” he whispered. “You will lose your teaching license. You could possibly serve time in jail.” He sounded as if he were speaking to a client.

  “I know.”

  He rubbed his hand over his eyes. “You need to leave, Nick.” My body froze with fear. “I can try to fix this if you leave.”

  “I can’t leave her,” I argued. “She needs me now more than—”

  “No!” he barked. “If you stay, and this reaches court, she will have to stand in front a jury. She won’t just be testifying against Adam,” he warned. “She’ll be testifying against you, too.” I bit my already bleeding knuckle as the last pieces of shock di
ssipated. “They will say that you groomed her Nick. They could even claim that this took place before she was legal.”

  “It didn’t,” I protested.

  “It doesn’t matter, Nick. If anyone suspect statutory rape, your life will be over. I have been an defense attorney for half of my life. The courtroom is an unforgiving place.” I could feel the beginning signs of an anxiety attack. I quickly threw open the door, in desperate need for fresh air. I fumbled out of the car, struggling to catch my breath.

  I couldn’t leave Hayley. Not after this. Not after everything she had just endured. She was going to need a rape kit, therapy, a fucking lawyer. She was too young to have to go through these things alone—I needed to be by her side. I had made her a promise. If I left her now, she would fall apart. Tears poured from my eyes as I clawed at my throat. I needed oxygen. I needed Hayley.

  Hayley’s father’s hand gripped my shoulder, pulling me back into reality. “You need to calm down,” he warned. I shook underneath his grip. “If he dies—” I pushed him away as vomited exited my body. “Who can I call for you?” His voice had a sound of finality to it.

  Slowly, I gave him Rachel’s number.

  Forty-Seven

  Hayley

  Hayley,

  I didn’t want to do to this. Please believe me when I say that I don’t have a choice. I wanted to wait, to say goodbye. But I just…I can’t. I can’t watch you fall apart. I don’t want this Hayley. I want a life here, with you. But I have to go.

  Your father…He knows. And we know what needs to be done. We knew this was dangerous. We knew what we were getting into. I just didn’t know it’d end so suddenly.

  You won’t see my leaving as a good thing, and I understand. But Hayley, this is the only way. Deep down, we both know it’s the truth. I can’t have you go down with me. I won’t allow it. This can all be avoided, as long as I’m gone.

  Please Hayley. Please don’t wait for me. I’m not coming back. This is the last time you’ll ever hear from me. I just hope one day you understand.

  Move on, please. Go on dates. Experience the way love SHOULD be. Without the secrecy bullshit. I can just picture you cringing at me writing that. Shit.

  I love you Hayley. More than you’ll ever know. I pray to God this doesn’t hurt you as bad as it hurts me. When I told you that I’d love you forever, I meant it.

  -Nick.

  I read the note over and over, willing it to disappear. There was no way this was true; he wasn’t gone. He couldn’t be. He wouldn’t just leave me behind. But here it was, in my shaking hands. Pure, tangible evidence that stated he was never coming back. Written in his chicken scratch handwriting I had grown used to. He was gone. Nick Foster was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do.

  Police, doctors and my father entered and exited my room for hours on end. I was given no time to think about Nick. I was given no time to think about anything other than Trip and what he’d done. He wasn’t dead.

  As far as anyone was concerned, Nick Foster had never stepped foot in my home.

  •••

  I had gone three days without speaking or eating. Police were in and out of my house, prodding me with questions. I refused to answer them. I refused to answer anyone. Lacy had slept on my floor, holding me whenever the pain became too much. She held my hand and stroked my back when nightmares tore me from my sleep. I was empty. I felt nothing, other than a gaping hole in the middle of my chest.

  Terror consumed me as I sat up in my bed. My eyes slowly adjusted to the dark; an outline of Lacy bringing tears to my eyes. I slipped from my bed and made my way towards the stairs. The sound of my mother’s voice stopped me.

  “…just a child, Anthony. He took advantage of her! You let him walk away after what he did to our child! What were you thinking?”

  “She loves him.” The sound of my father’s voice reached my ears. “We can’t take that away from her, too. Hasn’t she been through enough?”

  “He groomed her,” she argued. My legs were carrying me down the stairs before I could stop myself.

  “Shut up!” I screamed. I had never raised my voice at my mother, but it was the first time I had spoken in seventy-two hours and I was ready to get everything off my chest. “Do not talk about Nick,” I warned. “You know nothing about him, or me. You two have been in and out of my life since I’ve been old enough to talk.” My mother pressed her hand against her mouth, suppressing a sob. “Neither of you have ever been interested in what is going on in my life. Do not act like you have any say in my relationship.”

  “He is a grown man, Hayley.” My mother’s voice shook. “He took advantage of you.” I laughed in disbelief. My father stepped in between my mother and I, acting as a shield for my words.

  “And you gave a rapist a key to your house.”

  Forty-Eight

  Hayley

  March 9th

  10:34 AM

  I turned 19 today, but you’re not here. Come back to me. Please. I’m begging you to please just come back to me. I can’t handle this. I’m losing my mind. I need you.

  Without you here, the ghost of you haunts me more than the bump above my nose. More than the yellowing bruises sprinkled across my skin. How could you do this to me? After everything I’ve been through...Everything we have been through. You’re practically throwing me to a pack of hungry wolves.

  My heart is empty. I have no motivation. You took the better half of me with you. I have nothing. I have no one.

  April 22nd

  7:56 PM

  I never knew I could be this sad. I can’t breathe, Nick. I try to and it's as if someone is shoving a knife through my chest. I keep telling myself that I don’t need you; that I’m just this nineteen-year-old girl who fell for some older guy but it’s not like that. I know it’s not. What we had was something way more than some corrupted relationship. I believe that Nick. I believe that everything we had was REAL. But you’re not here, and my messages aren’t going through. And you won’t answer my calls or emails. And your sister has me blocked on every social media account and I’m beginning to wonder if all of this was just a figment of my imagination.

  May 18th

  11:18 PM

  I.Can’t.Breathe. I don’t want to anymore. How could you do this to me. How could you just leave me like this. I was forced to see him today, Nick. I was forced to stare into his eyes and tell the jury and judge and God himself that yes, that was indeed the man that assaulted me. Raped me. And I foolishly allowed my eyes to scan the crowd, expecting you to be there. Expecting you to show up to support me. But you weren’t there. You’re never going to be here.

  I hate you. I fucking hate everything that reminds me of you. Movies. Music. Coffee. My fucking bed. Every time I roll over I smell you on my sheets and it won’t go away. Why couldn’t the memories have gone away when you did? All you left me with was PAIN. I am NOT okay, Nick. Nothing is okay. How could you do this to me?

  I honestly hate you.

  June 2nd

  3:12 PM

  Graduation. It’s all gone by so fast…I swear I was just a freshman in high school. Lacy and I cried this morning. Hard. We’re closing this chapter of our lives. No more study halls. No more cafeteria lunches. No more avoiding the south wing of the building because the air suffocates me.

  We are done, finished.

  I don’t know why I expected you to show up. I guess I just figured you’d be the one thing that could put a smile on my face. I had a dream last night, that you ran onto the stage and embraced me in your arms, and we would be able to start our lives together.

  I spend all of my time in my room, sleeping. Or sitting outside your apartment, staring at that FOR SALE sign. No one has bought it yet. I wouldn’t, either. I heard something died in there. It’s called my fucking heart.

  I am so damn alone.

  No texts. No calls. No emails. You were never even real, were you? I can’t believe you’re gone. I swear I can still feel your touch on my shoulders. I can
still smell you on my favorite sweater.

  I still love you.

  July 17th

  12:09 PM

  The trial is over. Finally. Trip is going away, for a long time. Thank God.

  I never did tell you that I committed to Berkley, did I? I’m now able to get out of this shithole town. No more reminders of Trip. No more reminders of you. Just the sunshine and life as a psychologist. Ironic, isn’t it? I’m sure when I’m a psychologist I’ll make my patients write in a useless fucking journal, too.

  August 30th

  4:24 PM

  It’s hot here. Not the type of hot that Colorado was but like, hot as hell. I’m all moved in to my new dorm. I was granted with a single-person dorm. Thank God.

  My parents cried, a lot. I’m so relieved to be out of that house. I can finally breathe.

  I miss Lacy. She opted out of the idea of college and is pursuing cosmetology. It’s absolutely perfect for her.

  College will be good for me. New people―People who can take my mind off of…you. But this is my new life. A new beginning. And I refuse to allow my poisoned memories to take over.

  This will be good for me. Maybe that’s why you left. Maybe you realized that starting over is the only way to completely leave the past behind.

  October 31st

  9:09 PM

  My new psychologist told me that I should continue with journaling. As much as I hate to admit it, it helps me. I think the thing I’ve struggled with the most is accepting that I am a victim. I have felt embarrassed that I’m too afraid to walk alone on campus the moment it gets dark. I’ve become way too familiar with the security here, but they’re nice. They seem to understand that I can’t face the dark without a hand to hold.