Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  I have accepted that I will never truly heal from everything I’ve been through, but I can cope. The fear of Adam’s face will probably always plague my brain, but I’m hoping that one day the fear will subside. I spent five years repressing what I had gone through, I can’t make that mistake again.

  The rational side of my brain tells me that there is no way he’s going to find me. He received ten years in prison. Although I wish it were longer, I find some solace knowing that he’s locked away.

  I watched the original Halloween tonight. I don’t think I’ll ever forget spending last Halloween with you. Things were so much different back then, weren’t they? I would give anything to rewind time and watch that movie with you again.

  March 9th

  4:34 PM

  I'm 20. And you’re not here. I wish you were here. We’d be able to go out tonight, for dinner or a movie. We’d be able to go out, away from here, and be together. But you aren’t here and I’m just gonna spend the entire night watching that stupid Abominable Snowman movie you recommended to me last year. This is so fucking depressing.

  I’ve made a few friends, and we’re going out tonight. I have a fake ID, although I haven’t been able to drink since you left. I don’t know why, but the thought of losing control again terrifies me. I just miss you. I miss you Nick. I want you to come back.

  I keep finding myself searching for any trace of you and I can’t find it. You’re actually gone, aren’t you? I should be over it. But I can’t. I can’t move on from you, Nick. No matter how badly I try.

  I still love you.

  Happy fucking birthday to me.

  Forty-Nine

  Hayley

  March 9th

  11:52 AM

  Yay for being 21. I’m back in Colorado for a few more days. Since I didn’t make it back for Christmas, I promised my family that I’d be home for Easter Break. It’s my first time coming home since everything has happened. Everything feels the same.

  Lacy and Ryan are together, which brings me a strange feeling of happiness. I’ll never forget the night we played Truth or Dare, and they had kissed. Isn’t it crazy how some things work out? Lacy’s dad is doing fucking fantastic, too. He’s been sober for nearly two and a half years.

  March 9th

  7:03 PM

  I didn’t think it’d be this hard, being back. Everywhere I walk in this house is just another reminder that you’re gone. I can’t sleep in my room. Two years and your smell still lingers on these sheets. I’ve washed them, over and over. I’ve sprayed it a thousand times with the strongest smelling perfume. I think I might burn them tonight. Maybe that’ll help.

  March 11th

  7:04 PM

  I caved. I drove past your apartment. Someone is living there now. An old couple. Good for them.

  My parents don’t know how to talk to me anymore. They keep telling me I’ve become so quiet. I guess I just don’t have much to say. Lacy is the same way. Every conversation we have is about how in love she is with Ryan. I’m happy for her, I am. It’s just odd.

  I should’ve never come back here. It’s filled with the ghosts of who I once was. Who you swore you’d never be.

  It’s filled with empty promises and broken hearts.

  I hope you’re doing better than me.

  February 19

  5:19 PM

  I’m going out tonight. His name is Parker. Brown hair, green eyes, great smile. He’s different from anyone I’ve ever met. This is the first time I’ve felt anything since you. It feels amazing to finally look forward to something.

  June 23rd

  5:25 PM

  Today is my last day as a sophomore in college. I talked about you today. Mr. Arden, my professor, made me stay after class. He’s been analyzing me, I guess.

  He is the first person I have told about you. I completely unraveled. It felt so odd to feel your name roll of my tongue. Nicholas. Mr. Foster.

  I got so damn angry the moment he tried to accuse you of taking advantage of me. I have, and always will, stand behind the fact that you did not take advantage of me. I may have been your student, but I was a headstrong girl. I have lived the life of a victim, and you did not make me this way. I knew what I wanted from you and it’s hasn’t changed.

  Shit, did I just write that?

  I’m still hoping that you’ll show up at my front door, begging for my forgiveness. But I understand that this will never happen. As shitty as all of this is, I can’t change the past.

  I still don’t regret what happened.

  You’re still not a monster.

  You’re still the love of my life.

  July 4th

  9:19 pm

  I let some of my friends talk me into seeing the fireworks tonight. My friend Olivia and Parker are spending the night with me.

  This is the first time I’ve felt anything towards another guy. He’s sweet, and funny, and I had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes by the end of the night. He kissed me as the sky erupted with color. And I had let him do it.

  Fifty

  Hayley

  December 21st

  7:22 AM

  Parker and I have been together for five months. We’re on our way to Utah to visit his family. He wanted to stop by Colorado before we come back but I told him I didn’t want to. I’m just excited to finally meet his family.

  I might love him. He’s told me multiple times that he does but I haven’t found it in me yet. But I’m moving on…This is what we both wanted. And I don’t feel guilty. Parker doesn’t know about you. He DOES know about Trip, though. He had a similar incident when he was around 9. His neighbor had done some pretty messed up shit to him.

  He’s good for me. We’re good for each other. We laugh and watch movies and share music and explore in our free time. He’s majoring in Sociology, so we always have something to talk about. I really like this boy.

  I’m finally beginning to move on.

  December 26th

  6:36 PM

  Parker is incredibly persuasive. We arrived to Denver earlier this morning. My parents were nearly in tears the moment they opened their front door. They absolutely adored Parker and welcomed him with open arms.

  Despite how much I didn’t want to come, I’m glad we did. I opened up to him again tonight. About Adam. He kissed away my tears and held me as I cried.

  March 9th

  9:50 PM

  22 BITCHES!!!

  It was nice to go out with some friends. Lacy flew down here to come and celebrate with me. She’s staying with me at my new apartment. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, or any of my family. She keeps asking me if I’m fine. I am. I am fine. I’ve made new friends. I’ve met some pretty cool people around here.

  Parker and Lacy sang “Happy Birthday” to me before we went out for drinks. It’s crazy to think it’s already been eight months with him.

  I finally said it. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I can’t believe I said it. “I love you.” Damn.

  You know what? I’m glad Ryan and Lacy found each other. They’ve been together for three years now. Lacy is working as a makeup artist and he’s still playing baseball in college. They recently moved in together. Damn.

  He still texts me periodically, giving me updates on him and Lacy and asking how I’m doing. I’m glad he’s never resented me for what I put him through...We were just kids.

  1:57 AM

  She said your name tonight. And it ripped through me. Why does this still affect me as severely as it did years ago? She told me that she saw you when she went down to Aspen with Ryan. I guess you asked about me. I didn’t want to know what you said. I didn’t want to know any of it. I just want to drink myself into an oblivion, starting with this lovely bottle of vodka Lacy bought me.

  2:43 AM

  I’m beginning to question my relationship with Parker. Do I really love him? Or do I love you. I can’t still love you. I was eighteen, Nick. I was 18 years old and now I’m 22, drunk
and writing as if you can read it. But you can’t. You can’t fucking read this because you left me.

  Parker would never leave me the way you did. You claim that it was for the best; that you had no choice. Here’s a news flash, Nick. Everyone has a fucking choice in life. YOU chose to leave me. YOU chose to walk away from this.

  There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about you. I still think about the first day meeting you. God, you had stolen my heart from the moment our eyes met. I will never forget the first time you kissed me.

  I want to hate you, I want you to leave my mind.

  I have come to the conclusion that I will forever be bound to you. I can’t stay with Parker. I can’t do to him what I did to Ryan.

  May 28th

  8:04 AM

  Graduation day. I’ve finally done it; I’ve reached my goal. Bachelors Degree in Psychology.

  Parker came to say goodbye to me. There were tears.

  Time to go back home, I guess.

  Fifty-One

  Hayley

  Ringing. Why the hell was my phone ringing so early in the morning? I leaned across my pillow and swiped my finger against the cool glass. Lacy’s voice filled my ears.

  “Happy birthday!” I checked the time on my phone. 7:45 AM. I should’ve been sleeping. “I’m coming over so we can get breakfast, okay?”

  I had been home for nine months. My father had set me up with a job the moment I stepped into Colorado. I was analyzing and helping his clients. The days I was off, I was going to school online to receive my Masters. If I continued down the path I was on, I would be able to open up a practice in the next couple of years.

  “I hate you,” I groaned, rolling out of bed. I walked over to the mirror, shocked to see how pale I had become. I missed the Californian sun. “Where are we going?”

  “Ryan and I found this cute coffee shop a few hours away. They have these strawberry banana pastries that are absolutely amazing.” I couldn’t help but smile. “I’ll be over in about an hour, okay? I think a nice little road trip will be fun.”

  “Alright Lace, I’ll see you then.”

  Exactly one hour later, Lacy was standing in front of my apartment door, balloons, and teddy bear in hand. I could feel my chest beginning to tighten.

  “Happy birthday!” She shouted, setting the balloons beside me, and embracing me in a long hug. I hated to admit it, but I happy was to be back. Being away from Lacy for four years had strengthened the friendship we had nearly lost. I was glad to have her back in my life. “I have an entire day planned out!” I was eager to hear what our plans were. “First, breakfast. Second, shopping. Then, movies.” Just like the old days. I could feel nostalgia resonating inside of me.

  “I have a question,” I told Lacy as we made our way to the unknown café. The drive was taking much longer than I expected. “Whatever happened to you and Taylor? You never told me.” Lacy hesitated for a moment before sighing aloud.

  “After Nick—” I resisted the urge to flinch at his name. She bit her bottom lip before continuing. “After I heard what Taylor had done to you two, I was angry. I was mad that you hadn’t told me. I was mad at myself for being so blinded by him…” She trailed off. “I went to the frat house when I left Nick’s. I waited until he went to take a shower before going through his phone. I wanted it to be a lie, but I found the picture. I searched through his phone, making sure there weren’t any copies. I deleted everything.” I ran my hand through my hair, unsure of what to say. “When he came out of the shower, he lost his mind. I told him never to speak to me again, and here we are.” She chuckled nervously, glancing at me. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I never should have taken my anger out on you. Pushing you away was the—”

  “Lacy, stop. You have nothing to apologize for. Getting rid of that picture was one of the nicest things you could’ve done for me…and Nick.” My heart swelled at the sound of his name leaving my lips. Although I had come to terms with the fact that he was never coming back, my heart still reacted to the thought of him.

  “We’re here,” Lacy announced, pulling into the quaintest, cutest coffee shop I had ever laid eyes on. Bright yellows and pinks covered outside of the store, bringing out the last remnants of snow.

  I fell in love the moment we walked inside. The warm scent of espresso and peppermint filled the air, sending my taste buds into a frenzy. Sweets covered the shelves, causing my mouth to water. I wanted to try everything; I wanted to spend the rest of my life inside this warm, cozy shop. We made our way over to the chalkboard that stated the different choices of drinks. I couldn’t believe my eyes; there were more flavors than I could ever imagine.

  “How can I help you?” We both turned around, meeting the friendly smile of an older lady. I could feel my breath catch in my throat. I couldn’t stop staring at her eyes. I couldn’t shake the feeling of familiarity out of my mind. I could hear Lacy ordering as I stared through this woman’s soul, attempting to place her. “And for you?” she asked me. I snapped back to reality and quickly ordered my hazelnut and peppermint latte with a strawberry banana pastry. “I absolutely love hazelnut.” She smiled sweetly once more before walking away to begin our drinks. Lacy and I walked away from the counter, pastries in our hands, and chose a secluded booth.

  “What’s with you?” Lacy asked me. I could barely hear her. I continued to watch the woman intently. “Hayley!” I immediately ripped my gaze from her and looked at Lacy, confused. “Why are you staring at that woman?” I wasn’t aware I had been so obvious.

  “Her eyes…” I trailed off. I had seen her before; I was sure of it. I excused myself from our table and walked back to counter. The lady sat both coffees in front of me and smiled.

  “Do you need any help carrying them back?” she asked me. I picked both of them up but stayed quiet, focusing on her gaze. “Ma’am?”

  “I know you.” She gave me a concerned look before taking a step away from me. “I’ve seen you before, haven’t I?” She remained quiet. I must’ve sounded like a complete psychopath. “Your eyes are so familiar…” The bells that hung above the entrance door clacked against the door, notifying us that someone was in the store. “I just…I feel like I’ve met―”

  “They were sold out of the French Press that you wanted,” I heard someone shout from the front door. I strained my neck to see who had interrupted my very one-sided conversation.

  The ceramic mugs slipped from my tight grasp, shattering the moment they hit the floor. I couldn’t move. I was frozen in an awkward, half pivoted position. I opened my mouth to speak but words were failing me. My fingers, hands, legs, and toes felt as if they were buzzing beneath me. I could feel my hands shaking uncontrollably yet I had no control over any of it. I stood there, mouth agape, unable to function.

  “No fucking way.” Lacy’s voice traveled through the air, hitting my ears, and bringing me back to reality. I blinked, willing the figure in front of me to disappear. Still there. I squeezed them together once more, confident that there would be nothing in front of me once I opened my eyelids. My vision remained unchanged.

  “Hayley.” My knees grew weak by the sound of his voice. “What’re you doing here?” I removed my eyes from him and found Lacy sitting in our booth, eyes wide and mouth ajar. She was as shocked as I was.

  I struggled to find my voice before answering him. “I c-came here f-for…” I trailed off, unable to complete my sentence. My mind was racing a million miles a minute. What was going on? Surely, I was asleep; this had to of been a dream. Everything was too surreal.

  Yet it was almost too real. Every detail of his face was exactly how I had remembered. It was as if he hadn’t aged. His smell remained identical to my memory, a dark musk, hazelnut and mint. It was the only reason I had grown accustomed to that flavor of coffee. He made his way towards me, moving at a glacial pace.

  It finally dawned on me. The woman’s eyes. They were the same as Nick’s. The same deep, milk chocolate brown. My mind immediately began to rewind
, sending me back to the first night I had slept over. He had told me about his family; about his mother owning a café in the mountains. There was no way, no conceivable way, that this café, this exact café, was the one that his mother happened to own. The odds were too high; the irony of it all was simply impossible.

  “This isn’t real.” It was the first full sentence I had been able to produce. I turned my attention to Lacy. “Is this some sick joke?” I could feel my stomach churning.

  “Hayley, I had no idea, I swear.” I could feel the tears burning holes through my eyes.

  Nick stood in front of me, willing me to look at him. I refused. I focused my eyes on the broken cup and spilled coffee. My entire world had seemingly stopped; I could practically hear my own heart beating. I couldn’t believe this. I was dreaming; I had to be. I had had similar dreams to this, only to wake up with an expanded hole in the middle of my chest. I refused to buy into this wicked head game. I would wake up and he would be gone. He would disappear, just like he had five years ago.

  “Hayley.” His voice cut through me, sharper than any knife. Why wasn’t I waking up? “Please look at me.” I gave into temptation and met his eyes with mine. I could feel the air in my chest escape me, causing me to stumble backwards. I felt as if I was eighteen again, back inside his classroom. My heart was pounding, I was sure everyone could hear it. He placed his hand on my shoulder, tricking my mind into believing this was reality. “This is real.” Five years later and he was still reading my mind. I watched as he nodded his head towards the lady―his mother, I assumed. She gave us both a weary glance before heading into the back.

  “I need to leave.” I made my way over to Lacy, who was still staring at us in shock. She shook her head back and forth, shoving me away from her. I felt trapped. She slipped out of the booth, placed her hands on my shoulder and gave a light squeeze. I knew what she was doing; she would’ve pulled something like this in our teenage years.