Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  Silence filled the air, making the air thick with tension. “I’m glad to hear that four years of college taught you nothing but bullshit.” Every nerve was poking through my skin. I bit my tongue, tasting copper as it spread throughout my mouth. I wanted to stop myself from hurting her, but I couldn’t. “Why don’t you take your ass back home and feed someone else that psychologist bullshit.” I picked up her suitcase before throwing it against the door.

  I watched as she grabbed her belongings and ran out of my room. The moment I heard the purr of her engine, I fell apart.

  Fifty-Five

  Hayley

  I sat against the edge of Lacy’s twin sized bed, resting my head in the palms of my hands. The funeral began in less than an hour and I had yet to move from the dirty, puke colored carpet that covered the hotel floor. Nick had refrained from texting since our fight, making me question if I was welcome to the service. Lacy had left to retrieve breakfast but I knew I wouldn’t be eating. Every part of my body was filled with anxiety. I incessantly checked my phone in hopes that he would respond to my multiple texts, but my inbox was empty. He had once again gone ghost on me.

  Lacy returned with a box of doughnuts but neither of us touched them. “I really think we need to go, Hayley.” I nodded my head. I had every intention to go to the funeral, it was my body that wouldn’t cooperate. It was impossible to try and gauge how the funeral was going to go. Would Ezra and Nick fight again? Would Nick grow upset if he saw me there? Perhaps he was being serious when he had told me to go back home. “If he asks you to leave then we’ll leave, okay?” She extended her arm and I took it, allowing her to pull me to my feet. After we were ready to leave, we made our way to the funeral home.

  Fifty-Six

  Nick

  Standing in the funeral home was making this real. It was easy to deny the truth when it isn’t staring you in the face. Dozens of flowers littered the area surrounding me. I watched as red-rimmed eyes met mine. I awkwardly shuffled the papers in my hands before placing them back onto the podium. My eyes scanned the room, searching for Hayley. The moment my gaze met hers, I felt my anxiety beginning to dissipate.

  I nervously cleared my throat before averting my eyes to the paper. My voice shook as I spoke. “When I was five years old, I was informed that I was no longer going to be an only child. The thought of having a little sister infuriated me.” I listened as laughter filled the room. “When I was eight, I realized that girls were gross. When I was ten, I woke up to the sound of my little sister screaming. When I was ten and a half, I was told my little sister had Leukemia.” I drifted my eyes towards Hayley, meeting her electric blue stare.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat before continuing. “When I was twelve, I shaved my head for the third time, in hopes to keep her spirit alive. When I was thirteen, I watched through a glass window in the middle of a door as my sister was poked and prodded with hundreds of needles. When I was fourteen, I listened as she begged for them to stop. I listened as she cried to be put out of her misery. At age seventeen I was told that I needed to write a eulogy. I was told that the cancer had become more aggressive than ever, and the chances of her survival were slim to none.” A sob escaped my mother’s throat.

  “At nineteen, I watched as she grew healthier. At twenty, I was informed that the cancer had left her body. At twenty-two, I kissed her cheek as my mother snapped a photo of us. She was attending her first school dance. At twenty-seven, I attended her college graduation. She spent the entire day talking about plants, giving me an extensive yet useless amount of knowledge surrounding the Albuca spiralis. It was her favorite plant.” I focused on the edge of my paper, cursing myself for becoming emotional.

  I cleared my throat once more before continuing. “At twenty-eight, she stood by my side throughout the most confusing, stressful time of my life. At thirty-one, she told me that she was going to marry Ezra. She told me that he was ‘The One.’” My throat constricted as my eyes scanned the next line on my paper. “And now, at thirty-three…” I pinched the bridge of my nose before continuing. “At thirty-three, I was told that my best friend, my…My annoying, pain in the ass little sister, was gone.” Sobs erupted throughout the room.

  “Losing Rachel has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. She has always been my best friend. She has fought harder than any of us will ever imagine, and I will always love her for that. Thank you.”

  My eyes burned as I grabbed my eulogy and made my way out of the room. My heart was beating wildly as nausea creeped its way to my throat. I pushed open a random door, collapsing against it the moment it shut. The numb feeling I had become familiar with was exiting my body. Pain surged through my body as I twisted my hands through my hair. Black dots invaded my vision as Rachel’s voice entered my mind. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Get your shit together, Nicholas.

  Fifty-Seven

  Hayley

  I made my way through the ocean of people, searching for Nick. When I realized that both he and Ezra were missing, I began to panic. I walked down an empty hall, quietly looking through each door to see if they were in a room. When I reached the end of the hallway, I found them sitting in what appeared to be an office. Ezra had his head in his hands, Nick had a hand on his shoulder. I strained to hear what was being said.

  “…without her. What happens now? How do we continue living our lives when she’s not here?” Ezra’s voice was strained with sorrow. I softly knocked on the door before entering. Ezra’s eyes were swollen and purple; his nose was crooked and red.

  “Hayley,” Nick whispered.

  “You both gave beautiful speeches. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss,” I began. Ezra thanked me before exiting the room. Nick made his way over to me slowly, cautiously. “I have to head back to Denver today. I wanted to make sure I said goodbye before I left.” Nick embraced me in a long, strong hug. “I’m so sorry, Nick.” I could feel my eyes stinging as his grip tightened around my waist.

  “I said some horrible things to you last night. I didn’t mean what I said.” I felt my shoulder growing wet from his tears. I pulled away and rested my hand on the side of his face.

  “You’re hurting, Nick. I’m not upset with you.”

  “Please don’t say goodbye,” he whispered. “Please tell me I’ll see you again.” My heart ached with hope. I wanted nothing more than to see Nick again.

  “I don’t want to lose you again.” I intertwined his fingers with mine. Tears fell from his eyes as I kissed his hand, keeping it against my mouth. “I know you have things to square away around here. I have to get back home.” He leaned his head against me and nodded his head.

  “Promise me you won’t leave.” I knew that he wasn’t speaking of that instance. “Please promise me you’ll still be here once you leave.”

  “Nick,” I whispered. I leaned in and kissed him, feeling everything I had been missing over the last five years. It took me back to our first kiss, in the back of the movie store. The electric wire that had been dead for so long lit underneath my skin like Christmas lights. “I’ve been here since the moment I met you.”

  Epilogue

  Hayley

  It had been seven months since the funeral.

  “This is so you,” Nick whispered as he entered my apartment. I had recently moved closer to the university he was teaching at. Old movie posters lined my walls, accompanied with rows and rows of movies on each shelf. “Who needs the movie store when you have Hayley’s living room?” I felt my face flush a crimson red. “Am I the first guy to be in here?” he asked, smirking.

  I playfully shoved him, shrieking when he threw me over his shoulder. He made his way up the stairs and threw open the first door he saw. We were in my bedroom. He gently placed me on my bed and crawled on top of me. “I have missed you so much, Hayley Marie.” I leaned in to kiss him, instantly greeted by the butterflies I had grown used to.

  “I hate you,” I whispered. “I hate that you still make me feel like I�
�m eighteen.” He chuckled and dipped his head down to kiss me. I allowed myself to melt into him.

  “I love you, too,” he said in between kisses. My body shook at the sound of those words escaping his mouth. He wrapped his arms around me and held me closer than he ever had before. “I’m so curious to see what’s in that box,” he whispered after a few moments. I moved my neck to the side, attempting to see what box he was referring to. Once I saw it, I froze. He noticed my sudden change of behavior and immediately stood up, making his way over to it. I went to stop him, but he ignored me. He grabbed the box out from underneath my desk and pulled out its contents. “Huh. I lost these were long gone,” he mumbled to himself. His red sweatpants and Ohio State sweatshirt lied in front of him. He sat them aside and pulled out a thin, black journal.

  “Please don’t open that.”

  “Why not?” he teased. After his eyes scanned the first sentence his chest deflated. He flipped through it before tucking it back in the box. “I see.”

  “I went a little insane when you left me,” I told him. “I wrote in that journal for so long, it’s embarrassing.” He shook his head back and forth, smiling. He then pulled out a piece of folded paper.

  “Is this going to make me hate myself, too?”

  “I actually don’t know what that is.” I made my way over to him, reaching for the piece of paper.

  “Hold your horses,” he argued. “I want to read it.” I sighed in frustration as he began to unfold its contents. I quickly grabbed it out of his hand and ran onto my bed.

  “I’ll read it!” I shouted. Confusion consumed me as I scanned the first line.

  “What does it say?”

  “Question one. ‘Where are you from, originally?’ What is this? This isn’t in my handwriting.” Nick raised an eyebrow and told me to continue reading it. My eyes traveled to each line, realizing that it was a record of every question Nick and I had asked during our game of 20 questions. How old was he? Strangest place he’d ever had sex? How much did he love me? I bit my bottom lip. “This is in your handwriting.”

  “It is,” he confirmed.

  “There’s only 19 questions.”

  “There are.” I gave him a strange look. “I know it’s probably strange that I’ve kept track of the game.” I disagreed with him, still confused as to how it had gotten into my box. “Turn the paper around, Hayley.” I quickly flipped it, feeling the confusion spread throughout my body.

  Yes or No?

  I ripped my eyes from the paper and found Nick kneeling in front of me. “I would like to ask the last question of our game,” he began. I could feel tears entering my eyes before I could stop them.

  “Hayley Marie, will you marry me?”

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I want to thank my family for constantly supporting me in my journy to writing. Mom and Dad, if it hadn't been for you two buying me my first typewriter when I was seven-years-old, I may have never fallen in love with creating my own stories. You guys bought me my first laptop, drove me to the library, read to me as a child. You have been listened to me babble about my characters, never once casting judgement for my choice to write a novel on such a taboo subject. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am.

  To my brother, my grandparents, and all of my extended family, thank you for taking my shyness with a grain of salt. I know that I never allowed you to read any of my writings, yet you guys have stayed supportive nonetheless.

  Thank you to my boyfriend, who has heard endless stories of the attractive teachers/professors that existed before we met.

  Thank you to my ninth grade English teacher who told me that I should stop writing stories. Your words inspired me to pursue it even further.

  Thank you to my three favorite highschool teachers, who encouraged me to write until my fingeres were numb. Although all of you would probably faint if this book ever found you. I can already hear my junior year teachers voice in my head, stating "BOUNDARIES, MADALYN!"

  Trever, I hope my story reaches you one day. I had always promised you that you would be the first person to read anything I wrote. Somehow, I feel like you've been with me throughout this entire process. Thank you for your endless support. Until we meet again, Uncle T.

  Thank you to anyone who stumbles across this book and reads it. I have never willingly allowed anyone to read my stories. The thought of having a random set of eyes on a book that I've been working on since I was sixteen gives me severe heart palpitations. I have disected this story for far too long. This is my first novel, and I am praying that someone out there enjoys this. I had a little too much writing it. I started this novel back in 2014, as a junior in highschool. I am now 22, and have finally decided it is time to set this book free.