After watching Mrs. Scott grieve so hard for the loss of her son, I started writing this letter. I decided after I had written it that I would send it to my solicitor should anything happen to me. Should this letter find its way to you then it means you are nearing the beautiful age of twenty one and I am not with you to celebrate, I’m sorry.
In life, tragedy and loss happen every single day and nobody is immune. There are only two certainties in this world. You are born into this life and you will also be taken from it too. Some will be taken without warning and some will be taken slowly. It is the cruelest of certainties and also the most powerful. You will grieve for the loss but you will also become a stronger person for the gift of love and memories that you received.
I didn’t want to leave this life without giving you that gift, the gift of love and memories. My guitar pick is the gift of memories. It is our memories of playing my guitar. This letter is the gift of love. It is my love for you my sweet baby girl.
Neva, I love you unconditionally and I always will. You are sweet, kindhearted, and an absolute breath of fresh air. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Life is hard and complicated and sometimes we want to give up, but just remember, you are loved and cherished. Don’t let life slip you by, take hold of it and never let go.
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s learning to dance in the rain.
Dance in the rain, Neva.
Love, Daddy.
My tears were a constant stream of emotions as I re-read my father’s words over and over again. I must have read that letter another twenty times before I felt another sheet of paper sitting behind it. Placing the letter carefully on the bed, a sob broke from my mouth when I took in what was in my hands.
It was a music sheet, with chords and lyrics. It was the song I could never finish or name. But now, it had a name and lyrics, but most of all, it had an ending.
I scanned the lyrics until my eyes found the chorus, my heart breaking as the words sunk in.
I will find you in the rain,
I will break through any storm
Just to be with you always, to keep you safe and warm.
In my arms may you stay,
So close to my heart
Holding on forever until the day we are ripped apart.
I am yours forever, don’t you see?
That I’m a stronger man for finding you,
For finding me.
He had titled it ‘Finding You.’
I gently folded the letters back into the envelope. Placing it in one hand and holding the pick with the other, I silently I cried myself to sleep, clutching onto three of life’s most important things.
The gift of love, the gift of memories and the gift of music.
The next morning I found myself at the mercy of my guitar, softly strumming the beautiful tune with my father’s pick trying to play the song that was once an enigma for so long. I played slowly, as if trying to make the chords seep into my skin. I tried to absorb it, like a sponge soaking up every last drop of liquid.
The more I played, the more I stared at the picture of my father and me on the opposite wall. But this time, I didn’t cry nor did I want too. Instead, I smiled, knowing that while I played, I remembered. I held onto those sweet memories of a man who was truly a hero.
Sometime later, I finally pried my aching hands from the guitar and walked down the staircase, my step faltering as I stood outside the kitchen door. It wasn’t the voice of my mother and a stranger talking that stopped me mid stride, it was the hearty laugh that erupted from my mother’s mouth. It seemed something or someone had finally managed to bring back something neither Tate or I could, laughter.
“It will be fine Lorena, I promise.” I overhead the stranger’s voice saying as I leaned my head closer to the door, it was a man’s voice.
“I know, I just don’t want to upset her, Marcus. I had it all planned out to tell her and this was not how I imagined it going.” Mom replied.
Who was Marcus? I decided to stop eavesdropping on my mom and make my way into the kitchen. But when I opened the door I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me, really not prepared. Mom’s chest pressed against a man’s body while her hands ran through his hair, his hands resting on her waist. Mom was sucking face, I may need to bleach my eyes after this. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, the moan that escaped my mom’s lips certainly was. Yeah, I will definitely need to bleach my eyes.
Not wanting to witness anymore, I coughed hard before walking into the kitchen. Taking my usual seat at the table, I placed my elbows on the table and interlocked my fingers together before resting my chin on top. I watched as they jumped apart, like teenagers caught making out by their parents; funny how roles switch in the blink of an eye.
From the corner of my eye, I took in the stranger who was looking just as shocked as my mother was, but it wasn’t his expression that took me by surprise. It was his handsome good looks, short blond hair matched with a chiseled jaw. Deep gray eyes and his skin a perfect sun kissed glow, he was probably in his mid-forties but could easily pass off being in his mid-thirties.
“Good morning.” Mom whispered, clearly horrified as she tried to hide the blush that was currently spreading across her cheeks.
“Good morning, momma.” I said with a smile on my face before turning to Marcus with an eyebrow raised. “Good morning, Marcus.”
The look of pure shock registered on Marcus’s face at the realization I had used his name, clearly understanding I had overheard them talking.
“Oh, god.” Mom groaned as she buried her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, Neva.” Her apology slightly muffled against her palms.
“Why are you sorry?” I asked, confused as to why she was apologizing to me.
“You weren’t meant to find out like this, I was going to tell you after your birthday.” She replied, slowly pulling her face from her hands before she took the seat opposite me at the table.
I could only watch as tears spilled down her beautiful face. I hated seeing mom cry. She was so strong after everything she had been through that sometimes I forget that for us to feel strong, we have to experience feeling weak.
“I’m so happy for you.” I smiled, and I was. Mom deserved to be happy and if her happiness meant being with Marcus, then that was all the mattered.
I knew that mom would always love my dad, they were inseparable. They were childhood sweethearts, and when they decided to both go to college, mom had followed dad half way across the country so they could be together. I remember the small things, dad holding mom’s hand when they didn’t think we were looking. The way they could find each other across a crowded room so easily or even the stolen kisses. Their love was never-ending and eternal. I could only hope I could experience even a tiny shred of what they had.
Unrelenting, unyielding, unfaltering love.
But after dad was cruelly ripped away from her, part of her died with him. I just hoped that maybe someday she would get it back.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” Mom’s voice quickly cut through my thoughts.
“I’m going to give you two some space Lor, I’ll call you later.” Marcus said before placing a tender kiss on my mom’s cheek. Smiling, we both watched as he left through the front door.
“Wow.” I said as I smiled back at mom. “Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting to see that when I woke up this morning.” I joked as I watched mom blush furiously for the second time.
“I’m so sorry you have to see that, are you sure you’re okay with this?” She asked tentatively.
“Mom, if he makes you happy, then I’m more than okay with it.” I answered her question truthfully.
“You know no one will ever replace your father, he holds a special place in my heart and he always will.” She said before pausing, as if choosing her words carefully. “But I love Marcus dearly, it is no bigger of a love nor is it any less. It is a different kind of love, a new kind of love but a familiar one too.” She fin
ished, releasing a shaky breath that I didn’t realize she was holding.
“I know, and I am so glad to hear you laugh again mom.” I said as tears filled my eyes. “Now spill, how did you meet him?”
For the next hour mom told me all about Marcus and the day they met, all with a bright smile on her face. They had met six months ago. Mom was in her studio looking over her new fabric swatches that had arrived that very morning. She was so engrossed in her work that she didn’t even notice the man leaning over her shoulder to see what had captured her attention so intently. Well, that was until his breath had grazed her neck, she jumped quick and fast. She was startled by the stranger over her shoulder that her arms threw out in shock, causing her right hand to connect with his nose. Blood had poured everyone; on his shirt, the fabric swatches and even her desk. Once she realized what she had done, she apologized profusely while attending to the poor man’s nose. She even offered to pay the dry cleaning bill for his shirt.
“It was an accident, don’t worry.” He had said to her while pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the blood from dripping anywhere else.
“Please, I insist. Let me get it dry cleaned for you. It’s the least I could do.” She pleaded, glad that it was only his shirt that had the most damage. Thankfully she hadn’t hit him hard enough to break his nose.
“Really, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m Marcus Young, by the way.” He said, placing his hand in hers while still pinching his nose with the other.
“Lorena James, it’s nice to meet you. Will you please at least let me take it? It’s only a couple of blocks down the road.” The words were barely out of her mouth when Marcus had swiftly pulled the shirt from his back and placed it in her hands, gasping she tried to avert her eyes but she couldn’t stop looking at his sculptured body.
The shirt never made it to the dry cleaners that day.
“He just took his shirt off right there in your studio?” I asked wide eyed.
“Oh, yeah.” Mom replied with a wicked grin on her face.
“Mom, mind out of gutter please. So what happened next?”
She only raised an eyebrow at my question while a tint of blush covered her cheeks.
“Conversation over.” I said quickly, causing us to both laugh so hard tears had streamed down our cheeks.
The rest of the weekend flew by quickly, mom had decided to make it a girly weekend with manicures and pedicures, retail therapy and a movie night with face masks and popcorn. I think she was trying to make it up to me for not telling me about Marcus sooner. She really felt bad for keeping it to herself.
Sunday night was here before I knew it. I was in my bedroom packing away my clothes into my bag when mom knocked on my door.
“Hey, momma.” I said over my shoulder while folding a pair of jeans.
“Are you nearly ready?” She asked.
“Yeah, just packing the last few things.”
“Okay, oh did you open that letter you got?” I froze, what do I tell her?
“Erm, yeah.”
“It was from your father, wasn’t it?”
“Mom …” I said as I turned around, expecting her to be upset but instead she was, smiling.
“It’s okay Neva, Tate got one when he was twenty one too. I just hope it will help with you trying to work through whatever brought you here.” She said before making her way over to me, pulling me into a hug. “Just promise me that whatever you do, you do it for you.” She whispered into my hair before pulling away and walking out of my room.
Walking onto campus later that night, I had no idea what to expect. What happens if Logan decided to tell Angel? What if Angel finds out? Shaking my head, I made my way to my dorm room, I needed to stop thinking about it. It is my own fault no matter what happens. I fucked over the man I love for the man who doesn’t know me and all because I want to pretend. I want to pretend that I was normal and not broken. I would do anything to stop the looks of pity. That included breaking my own heart.
Opening the door to my dorm, I was suddenly lifted from my feet, dropping my bag in the process.
“Oh my god! I have missed you!” Low squealed as she finally stopped suffocating me within her arms.
“Okay, Low you can put me down now.” I said laughing.
Low released me from her gasp, finally having my feet planted on the floor, I straightened my blouse and smiled at my best friend.
“Miss me that much, huh?” I asked, laughing.
“Of course I missed you, woman! Now, sit the hell down.” Low’s voice quickly changed and her smile faded. Oh shit.
Picking up my case that was still on the floor in the doorway I placed it at the foot of my bed while Low shut the door, this was not good. I just hope she doesn’t ask why I left in such a hurry and without my phone. I don’t think I could tell her even if she asked.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I watched as Low walked towards her bed. She sat down and gave me a pointed stare.
“Are you up for a game?” She asked, cocking her brow, I didn’t like the sound of that.
“Sure.” I said sheepishly.
“Okay, so the game is called ‘Screwing’.” She said. “I am going to ask you some questions and you are going to answer them, but instead of saying ‘yes’ you will say ‘screw you’ and instead of ‘no’ you answer ‘screw him’. Get it?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Okay, first question. Did you run to your momma’s because of two certain men, whose names I won’t mention?” She asked.
“Well, fuck me Low.” I sighed. “Straight for the jugular!”
“Answer the damn question, Neva, you owe me that much.” I flinched at the sound her voice.
“Screw you.” I smirked.
“Nicely done.” She said with a small smile. “That night when you found out what Logan had done to Tate’s eye, did you see Logan?”
“Screw you.” I sighed.
“You didn’t come home that night. Did you stay in Logan and Tate’s room?”
“Screw you.”
“Does Angel know you stayed the night there?”
“Screw him.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t mind baby doll.” She replied quickly, winking at me. “Okay, did you sleep in your brother’s bed?”
I drew in a quick breath. Low knew that Logan had comforted me in the past and we had shared a bed innocently a few times. She would know just from my answer what had happened, especially knowing that Logan and I had kissed not that long ago. And if I lied, she would know. She always knows.
“Screw him.”
“Oh my god Neva! Did you sleep with Logan?”
Oh. Shit!
“No! I mean screw him, I mean no. No!” Quickly throwing my hand over my mouth I fought back the tears that were threatening to escape.
“Oh. My. God.” Low gasped, mirroring me as she placed her hand over her mouth in utter shock. “You slept with Logan, Neva what on earth were you thinking?”
“Oh God, Low, what am I going to do?” I asked as tears poured down my face and the guilt seeped through to my veins once more, my body feeling the full force of my decisions.
“Oh. My. God.” Low repeated once more. “How could you? You … Logan … What the fuck? Jesus Neva, I don’t know what to say.” I watched as she started pacing the room.
I couldn’t blame her. Shit, I don’t even know what to say either. What I did was unforgivable, I won’t deny it. I did the worst thing you can do to a person. I took his trust, broke it, ripped it apart and then handed it back, while still hoping he could still trust me like before. I had done that, I wasn’t proud of it but the feelings I have for Logan are so strong and intense that I couldn’t deny it either.
“Low …”
“Why Neva? Why? You have a boyfriend who worships the fucking ground you walk on and yet you sleep with the man whore?” She spat, her voice becoming strained.
“You don’t understand, Low! Nobody understands. When I am with Angel I can forget who
I am, forget my past, I can just live and be normal. He doesn’t know about the nightmares or what fuels them, he just wants me. But then there is Logan, who has become more than the young boy who used to watch over me after the nightmares that drained every shred of fight from my body. He has become the man who I have fallen for … hard. He is the only person who understands who I am, but that comes at a price. My past and everything that is in it will tear us apart. I can’t go a damn day without images of that night in the hospital clouding my vision, even clouding my judgment.” Taking a deep breath I continued. “With Angel I can just pretend, I’m no longer broken or tainted. I am just Neva James. What happened between Logan and I was something I wanted to happen, but in doing that I have broken his fucking heart, and shattered mine too. But we could never work.” Tears were coming thick and fast as I watched Low’s reaction to what I had just revealed.
“Okay.”
Okay? What did she mean okay? There was no bitching, no fighting. Nothing.
“Huh?” I asked.
“I may not fucking like it or understand it, but this is your decision, Neva. Just let me know when you need me to pick up the pieces. Because this is going to be one big god damned mess!” She said before picking up her jacket and leaving the room.
As I sat on my bed, my thoughts drifted back to Angel, and how much I would hurt him if I told him exactly what I had done. I am sick of hurting and sick of hurting people, it was in that moment that I decided I wasn’t going to tell him. I was going to get on with my life and as much as it pained me to admit, I needed to forget Logan. I needed to forget what we had shared that night and all the nights that he held me after my horrible nightmares, I had to forget.
Quickly wiping away my tears, I pulled out my phone, fumbling through my contacts until I found Angel’s number, his goofy picture appearing when I hit ‘call’
“Baby, I have missed you.” His husky voice hit me like a steam engine, my body responding immediately. I had missed him too.
Finding You Page 15
