Leah had zoned out after one line of that, hadn’t heard any of the rest. “When this ends?” she asked quietly.
Teddi turned to look at her. “What?”
“You said, when this ends. Like…are you expecting it to? Is it standard to you that this…thing…we have is just going to peter out eventually, no matter what? I love you, Teddi. I love you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure you love me, too.”
“Of course I do.” Teddi shifted her weight from one foot to the other, an obvious sign of unease.
“Just not enough to marry me. Because this will likely end anyway.”
“I mean, there’s no guarantee, right?” Teddi chewed on her bottom lip.
Leah stared at her for a moment. Seriously? Teddi wanted guarantees? “No. There isn’t. Because this is life, Teddi. It’s life. And it’s worth it, even without guarantees. But if you’ve entered into this relationship with me assuming it will end at some point. With no faith…” Leah swallowed down the tears that threatened as she looked around the office, trying to find any shred of hope. Then she stared at Teddi until they made eye contact. “Is that what’s happened?” she asked quietly.
Teddi blinked, swallowed, looked away.
Leah’s heart cracked in her chest and she nodded slowly. “Wow. I see. Okay. I understand. So, then, let me make this easier on you and take care of that right now, okay?” With that, she crossed the room and opened the door. Held it for Teddi, who blinked in surprise. She looked like she had a million things to say, yet she said none of them. Instead, she stood, shouldered her purse, and continued to stare at Leah, who looked down at her shoes. She felt Teddi walk by her and through the doorway more than saw her. Felt the shift in the air. Smelled the scent of her body spray, coconut and lime, fresh like the summer. Listened to the click of her heels as she disappeared down the hallway and out of Leah’s life.
Time passed. Leah stood there, lost track of how long. Finally, she closed the door quietly, crossed to her desk to sit back down in her chair, and laid her head back against it as the rush of sadness and remorse built and flooded her entire being. Elbows on the desk, she cradled her head in her hands and let the tears come. She ached, but she’d done the right thing. She couldn’t be with somebody who never wanted to be married, who never wanted to take their relationship to the next level, who didn’t want to be working toward something more. She’d done the right thing.
Hadn’t she? And if she had, why did it hurt so much?
* * *
As she drove home, Teddi wondered if Leah realized that she’d actually proven Teddi’s point. That things didn’t last. That everything was temporary. That getting married was stupid.
Okay, maybe that last one was a teeny bit harsh, but…
Leah had pretty much dumped her. Because she didn’t want to get married. Was it really that big a deal? A wedding? Guests to witness you both being saps and promising something to each other that likely would not hold up? Yes, she helped people plan weddings. She saw the irony, of course she did; she wasn’t an idiot. But more than fifty percent of marriages ended in divorce. Teddi wasn’t making that up, it was a fact. Something a factually minded attorney should appreciate.
Why was it such a big deal? Teddi had dreamed about her own wedding when she was younger, too. She could admit that. Those visions from her teenage brain had certainly helped nudge her in the direction of her chosen career, she couldn’t deny it. Getting married in a court house had been a matter of convenience, mostly, and marriage wasn’t that big a deal to Julia—until it came time for her to claim half the assets. Then she’d been all about it. Teddi scoffed at the memory.
Once home, she poured herself a very large glass of white wine and dropped onto the couch in the living room. Exhausted. Wrung out. Flattened. That was how she felt as she sat there, remote in hand, and tried to find something to watch even though she was barely paying attention. A slug of wine went down hard and she absently wondered if something heavy and invisible was sitting on her chest, as she felt like it was hard to get a full breath. She sat forward, set her wine glass on the coffee table, and tried to focus on her lungs, even as her heart rate kicked up to hummingbird speed. Hand pressed to her chest. Edges of her vision going black. Her entire body suddenly flushed, and she felt like she might spontaneously combust as she ripped her top off and sat there in her bra, panting, wheezing, wondering if she was about to pass out.
It would be another twenty-four hours before Teddi realized she’d actually had her first panic attack in a very long time. Yeah, she was back to that.
Chapter Twenty-five
Leah hated the dead of summer. The heat. The bugs. The goddamn humidity. She just wasn’t built for late August in the northeast.
A pool definitely helped. She took a seat on the edge of JoJo’s and dropped her bare feet into the water, a sigh of instant relief pushing from her lungs. “Oh, thank God,” she muttered from her perch at the shallow end. Watching JoJo’s boys and several of their friends daring each other to do flips off the diving board at the other end of the pool, Leah leaned back on her hands. She closed her eyes, letting her head drop back so the sun beat down on her.
“Tell me you have sunscreen on your face.” JoJo. Leah opened her eyes to the sight of a large margarita in a plastic glass right under her nose. JoJo sat down next to her, put her own feet in the water, and made a sound very similar to Leah’s.
“SPF fifty. I promise.”
“Good.” They sat quietly, sipped their drinks, watched the kids. “How’re you doing, kiddo?”
Leah shrugged. It was the best she could do.
“That good, huh?”
Both JoJo and Tilly knew the whole story. It had been nearly a month since Leah had tossed Teddi out of her office, and aside from a couple of uncertain texts, they’d had no contact. Which was for the best, Leah kept telling herself.
It didn’t help.
“No contact?” JoJo had large sunglasses on, so Leah couldn’t see her eyes.
A head shake. “Not really. Not since the texts early on.”
“That you didn’t answer.”
Another shake of her head. After a moment of boys splashing and laughing, Leah turned to JoJo. “Do you think I made a mistake?” The question had plagued her for weeks now. She missed Teddi so much it was hard to breathe.
“Do you think you made a mistake?”
“Ugh. I hate when you do that.”
JoJo shrugged. “I mean, it doesn’t really matter what I think.”
“Jo, you’re my friend and you know me. I’m asking you what you think.”
JoJo took a deep breath, then set her glass down and leaned back to mimic Leah’s pose. “That’s a tough call because I really can see both sides of the argument.”
Leah nodded. She almost could, too. Almost. “I have always wanted to get married.” She said it quietly. Almost wistfully.
“I know this about you.”
“The thing is, I don’t think I even knew how much I wanted it, how important it is to me, until I was told I wouldn’t have it.”
JoJo nodded, didn’t say anything, kept her eyes on the boys while she listened.
“And in those moments of doubt, I think, Was I too hasty? Did I give her a chance? What if she changes her mind? And then immediately on the heels of that thought comes, What if she doesn’t? I’m just not willing to put more of my heart and soul into a relationship that’s never going to go any further.” Anguish. It’s what Leah felt every time she went through this whole thing in her head. “Is that selfish of me?” She looked to JoJo, one of her best friends in the entire world. What was it she expected? What did she want from her? Absolution? Agreement? A magic fix?
JoJo turned her way and laid a hand on Leah’s thigh. “No, I don’t think you’re being selfish. I think you have to do what works for you.”
It was vague at best. “I just don’t think I could take it if we stayed in it for another year—or longer—and nothing changed.
Like, what would we be working toward? What would be the point?”
“I mean…” JoJo lifted one shoulder, her attempt at nonchalance, Leah knew. “I guess the point would be loving each other? Building a life?”
Not the answer Leah wanted, and it sliced at her a bit. Before she could say anything, JoJo continued.
“But if you want something more, it’s absolutely your right to say so. To hold out for it. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Okay. Better. Not great, but better.
Leah blew out a long slow breath. “It would be easier if I didn’t miss her so damn much. How did that happen? It was a few months.”
“Seven. Seven months. That’s more than a few.”
“I guess.”
“And you were in love. You are in love. That doesn’t just go away. If it did, it means you weren’t in love in the first place.”
JoJo was right. Quiet reigned for several moments as they kicked their feet languorously and watched the kids play, empty margarita glasses set out of the way of the water.
“The wedding is only a few weeks away.” JoJo made the statement. Asked nothing. But the question was clear.
“Yeah.” Leah had avoided Kelly’s last two meetings with Teddi, and her sister was less than thrilled about it. Leah had gladly given her opinions to Kelly at her house or at lunch or at their mom’s or anyplace but Teddi’s shop. “I’m going to need that time to gear up for the wedding day. I wonder if it will be easy or hard to avoid her.” A bitter laugh followed.
“She’ll be busy. And you’ll be all about Kelly. It’ll be fine.”
Would it? God, she hoped so. Leah certainly wouldn’t do anything to spoil the day for her sister. She could be around Teddi. She was a grown woman who had mastered many difficult things in her life. Spending a day in the same general vicinity with the woman she loved more than she’d expected to but couldn’t be with should be something she could handle. She’d do it for Kelly.
“And you and Tilly will be there. You can keep me from losing my mind, right?”
JoJo gave a snort. “That might be a lost cause.”
“Ha ha. You’re hilarious.”
“You’ll have me and Rick and Tilly and Jen. We’ve got you, babe.”
“I almost forgot about Jen.” Another mirthless laugh. “So much for Tilly making an honest woman out of me when I turn forty.” She grinned at JoJo to show she was just teasing, because she really did like Jen a lot, and Jen made Tilly happier than Leah had ever seen her. But that simply meant Leah was the only one left of the trio who was alone. Still. She looked up as she felt JoJo squeeze her shoulder with affection.
“I’m a little worried about you, kiddo.”
The simple statement—and the concerned love in JoJo’s eyes—made her own well up. Several blinks and a clear of the throat helped Leah pull it together. She covered JoJo’s hand with hers. “Me, too,” she whispered.
* * *
Throwing herself into her work was the only thing Teddi could do to keep from going completely out of her mind. She’d expected to miss Leah, but not this much. Not so much that she had a hard time sleeping. Not so much that she couldn’t eat. Not so much that her panic attacks became more frequent, to the point where she knew she should probably call a doctor about them.
Thank God fall was almost as busy as summer for weddings. The oranges, yellows, and reds of the leaves were a huge draw for brides-to-be. The weather could be fickle, but September was usually a fairly safe choice, and every weekend of the month was booked for Hopeless Romantic, with three of them being double. She and Preston were going to be running around like toddlers on too much sugar taking care of everything. But she wasn’t worried. Preston was more than capable, and Teddi herself was happy to have so much to focus on that wasn’t about her and Leah.
Of course, Kelly’s wedding was this weekend.
“This is exactly why you don’t get involved with anybody at work,” Teddi muttered to herself as she used a box cutter to slice open a recent UPS delivery of accessories.
“I’ve told you that more than once,” Preston said as he walked past her, a stack of plates in his hand. He was changing out the tablescape window display, replacing the summery one with a display of jewel tones for fall. Deep eggplant, slate blue, muted reds and oranges would all play a role.
“Same, same, same,” said Harlow in a singsong voice as she sat at the table updating some of the photos Teddi had hanging around the shop.
Teddi dropped her head, let it hang as she took a deep breath. While her friends had been supportive enough and showed some sympathy, they were less than enthusiastic about it, and she realized in that exact moment that her patience had run out. Tears filled her eyes as she stood up and held her arms out to the sides. “Why are you guys acting like you’re mad at me over this?” She’d hoped to sound firm and authoritative, but instead, her voice cracked and the eye-welling got worse. “I didn’t break things off.”
The glance that Preston and Harlow exchanged across the shop made one thing painfully clear: They had discussed this very subject with each other. And they had feelings about it, which was punctuated by Preston setting a plate down a bit too firmly. Then he turned, hands on his hips, and opened his mouth to speak.
Harlow jumped out of her chair, held a hand up his way, and he snapped his mouth shut. Teddi watched all of this happen like a spectator watching Ping-Pong.
“We love you.” Harlow led with that, a clear indicator that Teddi wasn’t going to like what followed, and she said as much.
“Ah. Okay. Positive reinforcement first. Preparing me for the blow.” She shook out her arms like a boxer at a fight. “Okay. Ready. Hit me.”
“I guess we just don’t…” Harlow looked to Preston, then back at Teddi, seeming to walk on eggshells as she said, “We’re not quite sure why you haven’t fought to get Leah back.”
Teddi blinked at her. Turned to Preston and blinked at him. Did Harlow really just say that? Was that really what her friends thought? She swallowed down her anger at them. “Fought to get her back? Did you guys miss the part where she said she couldn’t be with me? When she threw me out of her office? ’Cause I’m pretty sure I mentioned that, but if I didn’t, please say so and I’ll recap.”
Harlow scratched her forehead as she blew out a breath and seemed to take some time figuring out what to say next.
“Because you can’t bend.” It was Preston, and unlike Harlow, he was not walking on eggshells. In fact, he sounded pissed.
Teddi furrowed her brow at him. “Excuse me?”
“You can’t bend.” Preston shook his head. “Or you won’t. I’m not sure which.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Teddi really didn’t. She needed more information. She needed to understand why the man who’d been her right hand and a most trusted friend was looking at her with such disappointment on his face, it made her want to cry.
Preston crossed the floor so he was closer to Teddi. His deep eyes bored into her as he spoke. “I have never seen you so happy as you were with Leah around.”
A sudden lump formed in Teddi’s throat.
“She was good for you. Really good for you.” Preston had softened his tone just a touch.
“She really was,” Harlow agreed.
“I know.” Teddi couldn’t deny it. It was the absolute truth. “But—”
“If you say you want different things, I will punch you in the face.” The softness in Preston’s tone had vanished. Teddi flinched at his words.
“Um, harsh.”
“No, Teddi, you want to know what’s harsh? Not bending a little bit and trying to meet the person you claim to love in the middle. That’s harsh. Shutting somebody’s dream down completely because it’s not necessarily something you want—somebody you claim to love, BTW—is harsh. Not trying to find any kind of compromise so you can salvage an incredible relationship is harsh.”
Teddi gaped at him, shocked by the anger of his words.
>
“You had something amazing, something many people never find, and you tossed it away because you can’t step back from your own fears and look at the big picture for one damn second. If I had somebody who looked at me the way you two looked at each other…” The wind seemed to leave his sails then, and Preston shook his head, looked out the front window. “I just can’t with you right now. I love you, but I just can’t.” He went back to his window display, leaving Teddi to continue to stare after him.
Silence reigned for a moment or two, the only sound the clattering of plates and chargers and silverware as Preston set his table. Teddi turned to Harlow, who simply raised her eyebrows and shrugged, clearly not about to contradict anything that Preston had said.
Spaghetti head. One of Teddi’s brides had used the phrase once with Teddi when she was completely overwhelmed by all the decisions she’d had to make. She told Teddi she had spaghetti head, and the visual was perfect. Teddi had known exactly what she’d meant and she knew it now as well because that’s what she was currently suffering from. Complete and utter spaghetti head. There was so much in her brain: Kelly’s upcoming wedding, her own failed marriage, memories of how hard it had been for her to claw her way back to normal life. But mostly, her head was filled with Leah. Leah’s face and her laugh and her body and her huge heart and how she made Teddi feel and the look on her face when she’d asked Teddi to leave her office and how empty Teddi’s life had felt since.
There was no more conversation at that point. The phone rang and Teddi went back to her office to take the call, a vendor double-checking about what time the venue for Kelly’s wedding would be open. She filled him in just as another call beeped through. That was likely how the rest of the day would go, prepping for the weekend’s ceremonies. Which was good because Teddi was able to shelve the one question that plagued her, at least for now.
Hopeless Romantic Page 23
