Baring his soul he went on, “I put this feeling out of mind, only catching rare glimpses of it in others.”
“Haven…” I whispered.
“Don’t say it. I already know. Just let me have this moment.”
It was a moment I couldn’t reciprocate and I hated myself for it. My heart was connected to someone else and it was no longer torn in two. I gently pulled away from him and felt him stiffen as I did.
“How many have you loved?” I asked.
“Enough,” he answered. He looked sad and burdened. “I’ve only been captivated twice. There comes a time when you have lost one too many and you harden yourself and don’t get close to anyone else.”
He looked away from me and gazed into the distance. I continued to look at him and he felt it because he turned to me, seeing me once more. “Our kind is supposed to be pair-bonded. Let me love you,” he offered.
“Haven,” I started. “There is more to life than any one person.”
He shook his head. “It only takes one person to prove that a feeling like this even exists.”
I couldn’t disagree with him but I didn’t know what to say either. I didn’t have to. Words were coming easier to him. “I’ll dream. Until something changes it’s the only place where we can be together.”
I looked down at the ground, feeling the pull of “What if?” I couldn’t be what Haven wanted, and I knew that for him, he had also felt drawn to my mother before me, so I believed that his feelings were a combined emotion of us both, perhaps of nostalgia, and he didn’t know how to separate them. I knew that I could be there for him in the present moment, but that’s all I could do. I looked up at him and said, “We are together. We have right now.”
Haven laughed lightheartedly. “Clever girl.” He seemed amused as he reached over to pick up the basket. When he stood he ushered me ahead of him. Behind me he said, “Even if it isn’t the same.”
We walked until we found a spot overlooking the fields and mountains. Haven unfolded the blanket and arranged it on the ground. We sat down and unpacked the basket. We ate chicken salad sandwiches, made small talk, then I brought up his family, which was too sore a subject for him to discuss. The loss of so many had left him more alone than ever. He had, at one time, a family he had been born into. Then he found another. And that family was gone now, too. I knew loss but I couldn’t comprehend what it must be like for him.
When we finished our picnic we sat for a few minutes without speaking. I looked him over and noticed that he appeared as forlorn as I had when I had first moved here.
“Willow?”
“Hmm,” I answered.
“Will you let me draw you?”
I paused and smiled at him. “If you like.”
Although the sun was obscured from view the air was warm on my face and my heart was warmer still. Haven positioned me in the way he envisioned. I felt like there was an understanding between us, something that hadn’t been there before. I watched him as he worked and the breeze kept her interlude, as if she were part of the canvas. I could feel my hair as the wind made it dance. My heart was too but only because the haze around it had cleared.
Near dusk he was done and he was completely satisfied with his interpretation of my form in the field. He turned the image in my direction and I gasped. I had never seen myself as particularly pretty but in the eyes of someone who cared about me, I was. I used to think that love was blind, but maybe love removes blinders and uncovers something much deeper. It transforms the mundane into the kind of exquisiteness that can’t decay because it’s all encompassing. That’s what I felt as I looked at the portrait before me. It wasn’t me. It was how someone else saw me.
Haven’s voice interrupted my thoughts, “It’s not what you look like that matters, it’s how you make people feel. You have a light - a kind of magic that shines from within.”
“Everyone has their own magic, don’t they?” I replied.
We caught each other’s gaze and we both smiled. We both knew.
As we walked back to Anne’s car and his motorcycle I felt relief that my internal struggle was over. Haven and I weren’t a couple and we weren’t friends either. We were something else.
While he was putting on his riding jacket and reaching for his helmet he paused. He put the helmet down and got off his bike. We both knew this was goodbye but neither one of us knew how to say it. The stillness that surrounded us became tense and uncomfortable. I found my voice and was able to speak. “Will I see you again?”
His blue eyes were somber. They told the answer. He was feeling much more than he was letting on.
“I’m going away. I may be old but I’m not stupid. Only a fool can love someone and willingly watch them love another. I want you to be happy but I don’t want to see it.”
“Will you ever come back?”
“Someday...”
He didn’t reach for me and I didn’t reach for him. We had already shared our embrace and this time we embraced with our eyes. He sat back down on his bike while I stood by the door of Anne’s car. He adjusted his helmet and all I could see was the depth of emotion in his blue eyes. He looked at me longer than necessary and started his bike before turning around and riding off. I watched him disappear into the distance and at that final moment I missed him.
Chapter 44
Anne had been helping me decide what I wanted to do for a living and how to achieve those goals. It meant I would be going back to my childhood home in Woodland Park where I could go to a community college nearby. Anne felt that I would be safe and that what little money my dad had left me, which was all he had, would be enough to pay for the basics of life. I had not been home since I had left so I wasn’t sure how I would adjust to moving back, but Woodland Park was home. I also knew I would be close to Amber and that Reece, who was planning on enlisting in the Marines for a three-year term, was going to spend part of the summer with me. I chose to focus on that as I drove back to Anne’s and I felt buoyancy and hope return.
As soon as I got home I hurried inside, dropped my purse in the foyer, kicked off my shoes, and jumped on the couch. I pulled out my phone and dialed Reece’s number. I had so much to tell him and I could barely contain my enthusiasm.
“Reece? It’s Willow.”
I heard him chuckle. “You’re so silly. Who else would be calling from your number?”
“When are you coming back? I really want to see you!”
He paused longer than necessary and I felt my heart skip a beat in anticipation.
“You do, huh? This is a surprise.” His voice was apprehensive and he paused again. “I’ll be home late tonight; I need to talk to you as well.”
Something was wrong and I felt my buoyancy begin to diminish. Had I said something wrong?
“Okay...go ahead and come over. I’ll be up late.”
“You always are,” he teased before hanging up after saying an out-of-character quiet goodbye.
Puzzled, I sat on the couch and looked out the window. The moon was casting its glow and the glow I had been feeling had now become as dim as the dark, night sky.
I was awoken by a gentle tap on my shoulder. I had fallen asleep on the porch swing outside and had been swaddled in Anne’s shawl. Reece picked up my legs and sat down beside me. I stretched and sat up.
“Just like old times, isn’t it?” He said.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“2:35 in the morning,” he answered. He was looking me over and I knew I must have looked a sight. I attempted to smooth my hair.
“Oh stop. You never look bad,” he rebuked while patting my knee. “We need to talk.”
“What’s wrong Reece?”
“What makes you think something is wrong?”
“Something is wrong,” I stressed. “It’s not like you to be so introspective.”
“Big word,” he said before falling into silence.
“That right there,” I pointed out. “You always have something to say so go ahead. I’m
listening.”
For a moment all that could be heard was the creak of the swing as we swayed back and forth. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand his silence. He was never silent! I stood up, wrapped the shawl tight around my chest and looked down at him.
“If you don’t tell me what’s going on in the next 60 seconds I’m going to scream!”
“Ah, now there’s the spirit,” he said with admiration before chuckling to himself.
He stood and inch-by-inch he closed the distance between us. I backed up to the railing, still staring at him. I felt him reach up to touch me but he pulled a twig from my hair instead. “Rolling around on the ground were you?”
I said nothing and he sighed.
“Amber and I made the decision to date each other today,” he announced. “I’ve been completely honest with her about how I feel towards you. She knows. There are no secrets.”
I stood there expressionless and he stood there looking exactly how I felt.
“She’s alone right now, having lost so much, and through all the years she has never questioned her feelings for me. I’ve cared about her since we were kids. I can’t let her down.”
My mind was swirling and my heart was screaming. Was he pointing out my previous indecision?
I started and then stopped. I couldn’t find the words. I never could when I needed them! The true ones wouldn’t come. I looked up at him and I knew he was waiting. I had to say something.
“I’m sure you’ll both be really happy.” I started to walk towards the front door.
“What kind of b.s. is this?” He said angrily. “Tell me how you really feel!”
I dropped my hand from the door and turned to him. “I can’t.”
“Bullshit!” he yelled. “Tell me the truth dammit!”
I opened my mouth to say something and I turned my head so he wouldn’t see that I was on the verge of tears. I was such a coward! I willed back my emotions so they wouldn’t fall down my face, then I turned to him once more. Our eyes were locked on each other. His glare was impatient and intense. I walked towards him and stopped.
I spoke the words I didn’t think I would ever be able to verbalize.
“Hold me?”
The ferocious glints in his eyes softened before he closed them. He reached for my hand and for a few brief seconds our hands revealed all there was to know. He pulled me towards him. My heart beat strong against his chest and I could feel his, too. I felt his breath on my hair and reveled in his tight grip. He wouldn’t let me go and I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to let me go ever. In that moment I was completely and devastatingly happy. And too soon it was over. The heat between us was interrupted by the chill of us separating.
“I want one final thing from you before I go and if you don’t give it, I’m going to take it because I know you want it, too.”
I reached up to brush a tear away and fought to control myself.
“I saw that,” he said.
I laughed through the tears. “You always do.”
The kiss that was meant for us had been interrupted by our shared understanding of what was right and what was wrong. The moment had passed. I felt an ache that nearly brought me to my knees. “You should go,” I said. “Go to Amber.”
Reece was resting near the railing and his arm was resting on the beam. He made a fist and leaned his head against his hand. Then he pushed himself off, turned away from me, and bounded down the stairs quickly and angrily. He turned to look at me before opening the door to his truck.
“It’s not over,” he stated with conviction. “But I’m going to do what’s right.” He got into his truck and sat for a moment before driving off. When he did I whispered through my tears, “We never even started...”
Chapter 45
I stepped inside Anne’s house feeling completely different, more so than when I met the beast within. The girl in me was gone. In one day everything had changed. I had been here before. It was a painful truth I should have learned from before because now I had lost them both.
I had lost because I had kept so much to myself and didn’t speak the truth sooner. Love had given me so much but it had also taken so much away. Love made happiness but it also brought pain. I realized that love has the power to connect but only because it has the power to devastate. I had waited too long and kept too much to myself.
I only had myself to blame.
I folded Anne’s shawl and left it on the bannister as I made slow, burdened steps upstairs. As I walked towards my room I looked at Anne’s. Her door was closed. She was spending the night with Jericho. Pandora was gone, too. She was with them. I was alone. I always ended up alone.
I sat on my bed, picked up a throw pillow, and laid down on my side. That’s when they fell with abandon and I did not stop them. They would accompany me during the night and whenever I needed them to. So much lay ahead of me but it seemed like the steps to forever were so far away. All I could wonder is where would those steps take me? And who would they take me to? Everything had changed. One decision had done that. And then another...
I closed my eyes and wept. My future was waiting for me and with resolve I was prepared to meet it.
Author Profile
Donna Lynn Hope is an amateur writer who wrote this story for anyone who feels alone and is searching for belonging. You can contact her at [email protected].
There is something fascinatingly awkward about an author photo. I’m drawn to those glossy shots in the back of books, mostly because the subjects never look happy to be there.
- Pamela Ribon
Contents
Preface
Prologue
Chapter 1: Haven
Chapter 2: Willow
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Author Profile
Table of Contents
Preface
Prologue
Chapter 1: Haven
Chapter 2: Willow
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Author Profile
Willow Page 23
