by Gia Riley
I wait for Grace to unlock herself from the bathroom and when I can hear Frozen playing in the background, I know she’s close to Laney. God, she has to be so damn scared.
“G? Are you coming to get me?” Laney’s uncertain voice asks. I can tell she’s been crying.
I want nothing more than to go to Grace’s house, scoop Laney up, and take her back to my place. But considering I have no idea what life’s going to be like once I get there, I have to leave her with my sister.
“I’m still at work, super girl. But I listened to your message and I’m gonna go check on your mommy right now.”
It’s not a lie. The email with the go ahead from Dr. Leach is finally in my inbox. Thank fuck.
“She threw up—all over the carpet. Then she cried, and I don’t like when she cries, G. She did that a lot when I was in the hospital and she thought I was sleeping.”
The fact that Laney misses nothing scares me. For once, I want her to be oblivious about what’s going on around her. More than anything, I want her to be a damn kid instead of having to look out for the people who should be taking care of her.
“She probably just has an upset belly, but you did the right thing calling for help, Laney. That was really smart.”
She sniffles and starts to cry again. If sounds could crush a grown man, this one would flatten me. “Please don’t cry, sweetheart.”
“I miss Mommy, and I hurt my leg a little bit when I got out of bed.”
“How did you hurt your leg?” What the hell happened after I left?
“Mommy screamed so loud, I woke up. I kept calling for her, but she never came to get me. She always comes when I call her, G.”
“What did you do when she didn’t come?” I ask her, not sure if I want to hear the answer.
“I crawled on my belly to get to Mommy. But I was too slow, and she was puking all over the place.”
The worst image of Laney falling out of her bed floats around in my head. An even worse picture of Megan hunched over, getting sick follows.
When they needed me the most, I wasn’t there. I let them down.
“You’re really brave, Laney. I’m so proud of you,” I tell her like she’s my own. “I’m going to make your mommy all better, okay?”
“I knew you would, G. I just knew it. That’s why I called you.”
It makes perfect sense, yet it blows my mind that Laney would try to call me instead of her own father. Up until the accident, Connor’s been the one to take care of her and Megan. The fact that Laney doesn’t trust Connor anymore, well that says more than any official ruling from the court.
Laney trusts me now. And I will never let that little girl down.
Garrett
I PROMISED MY SISTER I wouldn’t drive like a man possessed. I kept my word three quarters of the drive, but now that Megan’s only a couple blocks away, the pedal is pushed all the way down.
Worrying about what condition she’s going to be in once I get to her, I’m not expecting the three police cars parked in my driveway.
The officer standing on the front porch makes this suburban street look more like a crime scene. I recognize Officer Reister as soon as I’m close enough to see her face.
Most of the cops in town frequent the hospital from time to time, checking on patients, bringing in new ones, and sometimes escorting family members to identify remains. Chances are, when we see one another, it’s not under good circumstances. Today isn’t any different.
“Dr. Kristoff,” she says, holding out her hand as I approach.
I shake it, but other than a simple, “hello,” I have to keep walking.
Not bothering to check the kitchen or the living room, I take the stairs two at a time until I can hear Megan’s voice coming from her bedroom. Her usual smooth and sexy tone is hoarse from getting sick and crying.
Megan’s right where I expect her to be—sitting on the window seat with her cheek pressed against the glass. Her favorite place in this house.
Because of the tree out front, she probably couldn’t see me pull in. It doesn’t matter, though. Like she can sense my presence, she raises her head and turns it toward the doorway.
“Garrett,” she mouths.
Moving closer, I kneel down beside her, reaching for her hand. Her fingers are freezing when I entwine them with mine.
I glance at Vanessa and the two officers invading our privacy. They need to leave. “Can we have a minute alone, please?” With pity in their eyes, the three of them turn and leave the room. As soon as the door closes behind them, I turn back around.
Megan’s looking at me, but her eyes aren’t connecting. Like she’s looking through me, instead of at me. I want to snap my fingers in front of her face to bring her back from wherever she’s gone.
“Megs, talk to me,” I tell her as I try to pull her into my lap on the floor.
Her body stiffens and she presses her back against the side of the bookshelf so I can’t move her. “Don’t,” she whispers.
“I was just trying to hold you.”
“I want to be alone.”
She’s saying one thing, but the rest of her is an entirely different story. When her chin begins to quiver, her body practically begs me for comfort.
“Please, Meg. I’ve been so worried about you. I wish I had been here.”
“It’s not your fault this happened. You had to go to work. But these problems, Garrett, they’re never going away. They’re just getting worse.”
“Your problems are my problems now.”
Like she doesn’t believe me, she shakes her head. “If you were smart, you’d tell me to pack my shit and get out.”
She’s crazy if she thinks I’d ever do that. What Connor did only makes me want to protect her more. I need her too much to walk away.
I ask her one simple thing. “Megan, do you want me?”
Glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, she can’t figure out why I’m asking her this question—especially now.
“Yes, I want you.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Of course I do, what kind of question is that?”
“It’s the kind of question I need a ‘yes’ to. Because there’s not a chance in hell I’m ever walking away from you as long as you want me and you trust me.”
Whatever wall she tried to build up while I was away slowly starts to crumble. The first tear spills over her lashes, dampening her cheek. It’s like a knife to my heart.
“He’s dead, Garrett,” she struggles to say. “He’s dead and it’s my fault.”
I reach out and hold her face in my hands, desperate for her to understand that Connor pulling the trigger had nothing to do with her. It was his guilt and his anger that killed him.
“What did Connor say to you on the phone?” I ask her.
Cringing when she hears his name, it takes her a couple seconds to catch her breath. When she finally has a little more control, she tells me, “He said he l-loved me—and then he pulled the trigger.”
She barely gets the last word out before her chest is heaving again and her shoulders are up around her ears. A slow sob pours out of her as her body folds in half at the waist. “I can’t breathe, Garrett.”
If I had been thinking clearly, I would have brought something to help calm her down. Everything I have is at the hospital, and my own chest is tight because there’s nothing I can do to help make her next breath any easier. All I can do is watch her fight for air.
“This isn’t your fault, Megan. No matter what’s going through your mind right now, or how much guilt he left you with, it’s never going to be your fault.”
“The charges,” she says. “I didn’t drop them. If I had, he would still be alive.”
I lift her chin with my index finger, forcing her to give me her eyes, again. “Listen to me. He broke the law. There’s nothing you can do about that.”
“I could have helped him. I could have done more to make sure he was okay.”
I let go of her, realizi
ng I have to plan my next words carefully. But no matter what I say to her, she’s going to be on the defensive. “You were only doing what you needed to do for your daughter—and for yourself.”
“I’ve known him my whole life. I should have known what he was thinking. I should have helped him instead of turning my back on him.”
“And I’ve known you my whole life. There’s not a vengeful or hateful bone in your body, Megs. He didn’t kill himself because of you or me. He killed himself because he couldn’t handle the repercussions.”
“You’re probably right, but it’s so hard to believe, Garret. Laney hasn’t spoken to him in so long, I’m afraid she’s already forgotten the sound of his voice.”
“What about you? You’re the one who’s going to have to remember the sound of his voice—all the way to the end.”
Like I lit a match, her eyes are on fire. “You think I don’t know that? He made me tell him I loved him, and I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t think I meant it anymore. He had a gun in his hand, and I couldn’t say what he needed to hear.”
“You didn’t know he had a gun. Did you?”
“No, I didn’t. But if I had gone over there like he wanted me to, I could have stopped him before he did it.”
The thought of her being in the same room as Connor and a gun makes me sick. What if she had gotten caught in the middle?
She walks to the window on the opposite side of the room. As soon as she pulls back the curtain, she squints her eyes and peers through the blinds. I’m not sure what she’s expecting to see out front, but there’s nobody out there.
“My little girl lost her father today. What am I going to tell her?”
“I can talk to her if you want me to. I’ll talk to Laney as her doctor—like we did at the hospital.”
Megan shakes her head. “Capes aren’t going to make it easier this time.”
I feel like I’m losing her, like she’s slipping away and closing herself off the longer I stand here watching her.
But when she lets go of the curtain and wraps her arms around her middle, she walks to me like it’s the only place she wants to be. I love that I didn’t have to beg her to let me hold her—that she came all on her own.
“You’re already so much more to her than a doctor, Garrett. She looks up to you. She looks at you the way she used to look at Connor.”
Like the truth is hitting her all over again, or maybe it’s finally starting to sink in, she hides her face and grabs fistfuls of my shirt.
“I can’t do this.”
“What can’t you do?” I ask her as I pray she doesn’t mean me.
“I just want to pretend today never happened.”
I push her hair off her shoulder and kiss the top of her head. “I’ve got you, Megs. You’ll always have me.” One decision may have ended Connor’s time here on earth, but it’s already changed Megan’s life so much. In a matter of weeks, she lost her happily ever after twice.
And I’ve got to figure out how to bring her back from that.
Megan
“YOU’RE SURE THIS IS SAFE?” I ask as I climb up the first rungs of the ladder.
Connor runs his hands up my bare legs, his fingers teasing the edge of my shorts. “You think I’d risk this view?”
“Focus, Connor,” I tell him as I wait for a real answer. One that won’t have me plunging head first from the side of the water tower.
“I do this all the time. I promise you’re safe.”
I’ve always felt safe when I’m with him. Whether we’re at his house watching TV after school, or hanging out with friends on a Friday night, he’s always there, looking at me like I’m the only one he sees. And Connor’s popular; he could have any girl he wanted, yet he still chooses me every single day.
Just like life, the climb to get to the top is scary, but once we get there, the view is as amazing as he promised it would be. I’m hesitant to stand too close to the edge of the railing, but I love the way the breeze makes my hair flip around. Up here, I’m alive. With Connor, I’m living. And I never want this feeling to go away.
“What do you think?” he asks as he wraps his arms around me from behind.
“I think this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. Being up here is like being on top of the world.”
“That’s how I feel when I’m with you, Meg. Like I’m free falling with the wind in my face and the whole world passing me by—everything’s a blur but you.”
I turn around to face him, tilting my head back until I’m looking into my favorite shade of blue. “I feel it, too,” I tell him, praying what we have is strong enough to hold onto forever.
“You’re my girl, Meg. From here on out, it’s me and you against the world.”
When I open my eyes, I’m positive Connor will be beside me. He’ll be holding me in his arms just like he was the night we made things official. We were only teenagers then, but it didn’t matter. There was nothing for us to figure out. We just worked.
For whatever reason, we found each other young enough to enjoy a lifetime worth of firsts, and I wanted to repeat everything I did with Connor at least ten times. That’s how much I loved him.
But when I turn my head, it’s not Connor lying next to me. It’s Garrett—and that makes me wish I was still dreaming. At least then I’d be able to tell Connor how sorry I am, and how I’d do anything to make things better—I’d forgive him for his mistakes.
“Are you okay?” Garrett asks when he sees that I’m awake. I don’t even remember falling asleep.
It’ll be a long time before I can say with confidence that I’m okay, but as I roll onto my side, I fake it the best I can, telling him, “I’m fine.”
He runs his fingertips up and down my arm, giving me chills. Usually, I’d love the contact. Right now, it feels like sand paper scratching back and forth, rubbing me raw.
“Do you want something to eat? You slept through lunch and dinner.”
“I’m not hungry,” I tell him.
He sighs like I’m trying to be difficult. I’m not. What I am is torn because without Connor, I’m missing the piece of me that’s defined my existence for more than half of my life. He’s always been part of my silhouette, the other half of my personality.
I was so angry at him, but now that he’s gone, I can’t figure out how I could let go of him so easily, or why I did at all.
I’m right back to free falling off that water tower. Only there’s nothing for me to grab on to. The air around me is thick, but not thick enough to slow me down or stop me. I’m heading toward the ground faster than ever, bracing for impact.
“Have you talked to Grace?” I ask Garrett.
“I checked in about an hour ago. Laney was having spaghetti.”
“She loves spaghetti.” The first time Connor gave it to Laney, she put the entire bowl on her head. Sauce dripped down the sides of her face and the noodles hung like long blond strands of hair around her bald little head. Connor laughed so hard and said she finally look like her momma with all that pretty blond hair.
I’m glad Laney’s having her favorite meal with Grace, because I don’t think I’ll ever want to make spaghetti again.
“What did you tell her? Your sister must have a million questions.”
“Grace knows the truth. She’s the one who told me.”
What about my daughter? Who’s going to tell her?
She’s been through so much, and I’ve tried so hard to keep her world happy. As hard as it’s going to be to tell her the truth, I can’t pretend. Connor’s not in the hospital or even jail. He didn’t move away for a job or go on vacation. He’s dead.
“If you’re worried about what Grace thinks, stop. Nobody is going to judge you, Megan. This isn’t . . .”
I cut him off before he can finish, holding up my hand to silence him. “Please don’t say this isn’t my fault.” I can’t listen to him say those words to me one more time.
“I wasn’t going to,” he says as he rests his
hand on my hip beneath the covers. “But it’s not.”
“Whatever this is, Garrett, it’s fucked up. I played a part in it whether I like it or not. Maybe I don’t deserve all the blame, but Connor was my best friend and my husband in every sense of the word. And he was right, it was just a piece of paper. I expected him to be so damn perfect, but I wasn’t. I have more flaws that I can handle most days, but he loved me despite them. I should have been thanking him instead of judging him.”
Garrett sits up and rests his back against the headboard, letting me spew whatever it is I need to get out of my system. There’s still so much sadness locked inside my body, but there’s a lot of anger, too.
Tonight, I’m angry at myself for believing Connor didn’t deserve my sympathy or my forgiveness. That he didn’t deserve redemption the day he lost his temper and was throwing shit around the house. If I had just taken a minute to get off my high horse and told him where I was coming from, maybe we could have come to some kind of agreement and worked through our differences.
I’ll always hate myself for not sitting down like he wanted me to. For letting Vanessa help me bulldoze my way in and out of there, threatening to keep his daughter away from him. And for what? To make him drown in his guilt more than he already was?
“You’re pissed off, I get it. But he cheated on you, Megan. There was another woman in your house when you got home from your trip. Did you forget that part already?”
Pushing the blankets away, I sit on the edge of the bed with my legs dangling over the side. My whole body is sore and tired, despite having slept most of the day.
“I’ll never forget he cheated, but he’s not the first person to ever have an affair. I’m in bed with you right now, aren’t I?”
“Don’t compare us to Connor and that woman. We’re nothing like them.”
“Why? Because we waited until he hurt me before we touched each other? Does that make us saints?”
He reaches for my shoulder, but I shrug him off.
He’s frustrated when he says, “I don’t think it makes much difference at this point. What we did though, I can’t apologize for any of it—and I hate that you’d make excuses for him after what he did.”
