by Terri Reed
Rachel winced at how weak and breathless her mother sounded. Taking her hand, Rachel held on tight. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” She wanted to say she should have been called right away but she didn’t want to lay guilt on Mom G. It would serve no purpose.
“You’re here, now. There’s so much to say before—”
“Don’t even go there,” Rachel interjected. “We’re going to make you well. I’m going to make you well.”
Mom G. shook her head. “I’m dying, dear. We must accept that.”
“Nooo!” Tears clogged her throat. She didn’t like constantly being on the verge of tears. Even when she’d bounced from foster home to foster home, she’d never been this scared or so close to the breaking point. She wanted to draw into herself as she’d done as a child. But she couldn’t. Mom G. needed her. And she needed Mom G.
“Rachel, please, don’t cry. Let’s use this time as best we can.”
Rachel wiped at the tears unceremoniously slipping down her cheeks. She nodded. There was so much to say. “I love you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I wouldn’t be who I am today if you hadn’t taken me in.”
Mom G. squeezed her hand. “I hadn’t ever planned on having kids, but when I was asked if I’d take on one child…I prayed and God urged me to say yes. I remember the first time I saw you. So skinny and scared. And you tried so hard not to show it. Now look at you. You’re a grown woman and a wonderful doctor. Just like you’d planned. Are you happy, Rachel?”
Taken off guard by the question—surely Mom G. knew how much medicine meant to her—Rachel nodded. “Of course.”
Mom G.’s eyes narrowed. “Really? For a long time I’ve had the sense that something’s missing from your life. You’ve never talked about a man, or friends, even. Your phone conversations are always about your work. Work can’t be the only thing in your life, Rachel.”
“It’s not. I…” But try as she may, she couldn’t come up with an example. She worked six, sometimes seven days a week. Her apartment was small and cozy, but not a place she’d feel comfortable inviting anyone to visit. When she wasn’t working she went to movies by herself or rented videos. She attended a Bible study through her church, but outside of class, she didn’t socialize with any of the other participants.
When she wasn’t knee-deep in research, sometimes she’d go to the library and read the latest medical journals and texts. Occasionally she’d dated. There’d been a fellow med student in school and a real nice guy from church a while ago, but over the years she hadn’t met anyone she particularly wanted to pursue a relationship with. Besides, she didn’t have time for men. Her life was the way she wanted it. No attachments. No hassles. No pain.
“Have you seen Josh?” Mom G. asked.
“Yes.” Remembering their meeting made her skin heat with embarrassment. She’d acted very badly, nothing like how she’d expected to act. Calm and cool, showing him that he couldn’t affect her, which was how she’d dreamed their reunion would be. “He was here when I arrived.”
Mom G.’s expression became wistful. “It seems like only yesterday I was watching you go off to the prom with him. You two made such a handsome couple.”
A shiver of vivid recollection raced through Rachel. Her beautiful dress, Josh’s tux. The excitement, the anguish. “I haven’t thought about that night in years.”
“The king and the queen of the ball,” Mom G. teased lightly.
Rachel laughed, remembering the almost giddy feeling she’d had when they’d placed the gold crown on her head. “It was a perfect evening.” At first.
“That was the night Josh proposed.”
Rachel slid her gaze away from the intense look in Mom G.’s eyes. Her mind burned with the unwanted memories of that night. Josh had looked so handsome wearing that crown. They’d been dancing when he’d pulled her out onto the balcony and asked her to be his wife.
She’d been torn between her love for him and the path God had chosen for her. At the time she naively thought she could have both. She’d asked Josh for time, for him to be patient. Had expected they’d find a way to work it out that she could become a doctor and his wife.
But when it came down to accepting his proposal and his condition of staying in Sonora or the full scholarship to Northwestern, she’d chosen medicine because her soul would die if she didn’t.
At that moment she’d known that God’s plan for her didn’t include the kind of love she’d have only with Josh.
“That was a long time ago and has no bearing on my life now.”
Sadness filled Mom G. eyes. “I’ve respected your wish not to talk about him. But, dear, we need to have this talk.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you both.”
Rachel drew in a deep breath. She’d learned long ago it was better to meet a challenge head on rather than flee from it. “All right, if that’s what you wish.” She didn’t want to have this conversation while standing. She sat down. “I know about Andrea.”
Mom G.’s eyes widened. “Then you’ve talked with Josh.”
“A little.”
Mom G. shook her head; her wispy blond hair stuck to the pillow. “Such a waste.”
“How—how did she…?” Rachel wanted to know, yet she knew sometimes there was protection in ignorance.
Mom G. pursed her lips. “An awful, awful car accident.”
Rachel winced in sympathy. She shuddered slightly and suppressed the image of the last car accident victim she hadn’t been able to save. “It must have been hard on Josh.”
“Oh, honey, it was in so many ways.” Mom G. stared into space for a heartbeat then turned to Rachel. “Do you have someone in your life?”
She blinked. “Uh…you mean a man?”
“Are you involved in a relationship?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so. Good.” Mom G. seemed to relax.
Rachel narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean ‘good’?”
Mom G. gripped Rachel’s hand tight. “Is your hope still in Jesus?”
Rachel gently patted the frail hand encased within her own. “Yes, my hope’s in Jesus. He’s my strength. You showed me that—you and Josh.”
Mom G. nodded. “God loves you.”
“I know. He’s blessed me greatly. He brought me to you. Without Him and you in my life I’d…be lost. I’m doing what He wants with my life.”
Mom G.’s brows drew together. “But He wants so much more for you.”
More? She’d tried to have more once and she’d ended up with nothing but pain. Loving was a risk she was no longer willing to take. She shook her head. “I have everything I need. There couldn’t possibly be more.”
“What about love? Aren’t you lonely?”
Mom G.’s words struck a cord within Rachel. She tugged at her bottom lip, loath to admit that there had been times over the years she’d watched couples, families, and felt an ache she couldn’t explain. Was it loneliness?
Maybe.
But loneliness was a small price to pay to fulfill God’s plan and to protect her heart.
“My life’s very full. I might not have as many friends as I could…” Rachel frowned at the direction of her thoughts. Friends couldn’t help in her quest to change emergency room procedures. “I just don’t have time for relationships.”
“Don’t grow old alone. Believe me, it’s not fun.”
Guilt reached up and slapped Rachel. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”
Mom G. touched Rachel’s cheek. “No, honey, you had to do what you needed to do. I regret that I never remarried after Frank died. I don’t want you to make the same mistake.”
Rachel nuzzled into the touch. She hadn’t known Mr. Green. He’d been gone long before she’d come to live with Mom G. His picture graced the nightstand in Mom G.’s bedroom. “I’ll be fine, I promise,” Rachel assured her.
“Don’t you think you’d be better with Josh in your life?”
Rachel scho
oled her features. She didn’t want Mom G. to know how upsetting she found the subject of Josh. She didn’t want her to know she still hurt deep inside her heart, in a far corner she pretended didn’t exist.
“Don’t avoid this Rachel.”
Rachel met Mom G.’s gaze straight on. “There’s nothing to avoid. Josh isn’t a part of my life and he’s not going to be.”
Tears gathered at the corners of Mom G.’s eyes. “He needs you.”
Mom G.’s sadness tore at Rachel. She wouldn’t be able to make Mom G. happy. Not if her happiness involved Josh. “This is upsetting you.”
“He needs you,” Mom G. insisted.
Slowly Rachel shook her head. “He’s never needed me.”
“But he does. Rachel, he’s always loved you and you still love him.”
A double-edged sword of hurt and anger sliced through her. Her heart raced and her blood pounded in her ears. Josh didn’t love her. She doubted he ever had.
As for her loving him… She closed her eyes briefly and hardened her heart. Been there, done that. Not doing it again. Emotions would not control her actions. Her goal in life was to make sure her mother hadn’t died in vain, not to resurrect her relationship with Josh.
She opened her eyes and took a calming breath, regaining her composure. “It’s not a matter of love. Josh had an idea of what he wanted in a wife and I wasn’t it. He wanted someone I couldn’t be.”
“But that was then.”
Rachel lifted one shoulder. “Nothing has changed. I’m still who I am.”
“But they need you.”
They? Rachel figured she must mean Josh and his father, Rod.
Mom G. dropped her gaze and sighed, but not before Rachel saw the disappointment in her eyes. She wouldn’t say anything to encourage Mom G. She and Josh were history. And nothing could change that.
“Tell me about your new position.”
Rachel nodded, thankful for a subject she’d have no trouble discussing, a subject that didn’t make her suffer deep in her soul.
Because no matter how she looked at it, the subject of Josh would only bring her heartache.
The late-afternoon sun began to make its descent behind the mountain range, the fading light casting long shadows across the yard and backlighting Josh’s Victorian house. Coming home at the end of the day always gave him a sense of satisfaction and peace. He’d worked long and hard refurbishing the broken-down Victorian, preserving as much of the original woodwork as possible. The overgrown land and swamp of a built-in pool had required hours of grueling labor to bring out the potential he’d known lay underneath. He’d created a stable sanctuary for his son and managed to ignore the vague feeling of incompleteness that plagued him at night.
Josh eased open the large solid-oak front door far enough to squeeze through. He didn’t want a squeak of the hinge to herald his arrival. He wasn’t ready to see his family, whom he could hear in the kitchen. He needed time, time to sort out the struggle going on inside of him.
He took the hardwood stairs slowly, placing each foot carefully in the spots where they wouldn’t creak. In his room he closed the door and sat on the bed. With his elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands.
All the way home he’d kept the thoughts at bay, forcing his mind into a blank numbness. But now they wouldn’t be held back. Had Rachel really not known about Andrea? She’d seemed genuinely surprised, and remorseful. His heart told him she hadn’t known, which only confirmed his belief that once she’d left town she’d never looked back.
Just like his mother.
Andrea. Sweet Andrea. Guilt engulfed him. He groaned, a deep, gut-wrenching sound that echoed in the quiet of his room.
Lord, it’s too much to bear. Please take my guilt.
The plea went up as it had a hundred times before, but Josh snatched his plea back before he could feel any relief. He didn’t deserve God’s attention and mentally flogged himself with the pain of his guilt.
He hadn’t loved Andrea enough. Not the way she’d needed to be loved. He’d tried to be a good husband. He’d encouraged her, supported her, provided for her. He’d given her everything he could but not the one thing she’d wanted—all of his heart.
Josh scrubbed at his face, trying to wipe away the sting of his self-loathing.
It was his fault Andrea was dead.
Because he couldn’t erase Rachel from his heart.
Rachel. Was she right that he’d only wanted a wife, any wife? Had he been that arrogant and selfish? He’d tried to love Andrea with the same intensity he’d loved Rachel, but it had never happened.
Should he have pursued Rachel after she left? According to her, yes. But would his pursuit have changed anything? Would she have come back to the mountains to be his wife?
No, she wouldn’t have.
And he couldn’t have lived in the city playing second fiddle to her career.
Josh stood and paced, the leather soles of his shoes leaving indents in the dark green carpet. In the back of his mind a thought crept up, making him pause. Had he held his heart from Andrea because he was afraid to love her too deeply?
He clenched his jaw. It didn’t matter now.
What he’d had to give hadn’t been enough for Andrea. He’d lost her, just as he’d lost Rachel and his mother. Because he was not enough. And he was never going to make the mistake of trying to love again.
Now Rachel was back. He had every intention of not seeing her again before she left. He would have to plan his visits to Mrs. G. for when Rachel wouldn’t be around.
Because this time he wouldn’t be left behind with a broken heart.
Silvery light filtered into the hospital room, filling in the shadows created by the bedside lamp.
“In the emergency room we…” Rachel paused as she noticed Mom G. fighting to keep her eyes open. “Here, now. I’ve talked enough. You should rest.”
Mom G. smiled slightly. “Your life sounds very interesting, dear.”
“It can be.” Satisfaction in her career grew through the research she’d done and the triage techniques she’d implemented so far. But so much more could be done to improve the quality of patient care, and every day she spent in the emergency room was a new adventure.
She liked delivering babies the best. Liked the amazing miracle of life. God’s wondrous process for continuing humanity. Sometimes she’d thought about switching gears and going into obstetrics or pediatrics, but she didn’t want the emotional attachments those specialties would bring. In the E.R., patients came, they left. Her heart wasn’t at risk and her mind stayed focused on her goal.
“Rachel, would you read to me for a bit?”
“Of course. What…?”
Mom G. pointed to the small bedside table. “My Bible’s in the drawer.”
She pulled out the black Bible, the same Bible that Mom G. had read to her from years ago. The worn black leather grew warm beneath her hands. “I remember this Bible.” She glanced at Mom G. For a moment it appeared Mom G. had fallen asleep. Then she opened her eyes and smiled. Rachel looked questioningly at her.
Mom G. sighed. “I think the Psalms would be soothing.”
Rachel opened the book and the once-familiar scent of Mom G.’s soft, powdery perfume wafted from the yellowed pages. A pang of nostalgia tugged at her heartstrings.
“Rachel?”
She paused and glanced up. “Yes?
“Would you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
Mom G. gazed at her intently. “Would you call Josh?”
Rachel drew back. She didn’t want to talk with Josh. “Call him?”
“I want to talk to you both.”
“I’m sure he’ll come tomorrow.” Rachel would make sure she took the opportunity to speak with Dr. Kessler in his office while Josh visited so they wouldn’t have to see each other.
Mom G. nodded. “Yes, but I want to make sure. I want to see you both together.”
She lifted her brows. “Togethe
r?” Inside, she cringed. She’d come to town for Mom G., not to spend time with Josh.
“Please,” Mom G. implored.
Rachel couldn’t deny her the request. If Mom G. wanted to see them together then they’d be here together. Even if seeing Josh was painful, Rachel would do it, for Mom G. “I’ll call him.” So much for keeping her distance.
Mom G. relaxed. “Thank you.”
Her chest hurt with love for Mom G. She leaned over and kissed her cheek. “You’re welcome.”
She sat back and stared at the open Bible in her lap. She didn’t like the quiver of anticipation racing along her limbs at the thought of seeing Josh again. It was a purely physical reaction. Just because she found him attractive meant nothing.
She read King David’s Psalms. Lord, speak to me. I need Your guidance. After all, she was who she was and the past was the past. There was only now, for Mom G. But Rachel didn’t feel comforted by that thought.
A familiar sense of hurt filled her, reminding her of the pain loving Josh had caused. She would keep her focus on her path in life and fortify the fortress around her heart. She refused to allow him back in because once there he would make her want something she wasn’t able to have—a life with him.
Chapter Three
Moonlight bathed the old Victorian in a soft glow as the community of Sonora settled down to enjoy another peaceful night nestled at the foot of the Sierra Nevadas. The Taylor men relaxed together in the cozy warmth of the living room. Josh had read in some parent-oriented magazine that children needed a calming home environment. He’d tried to make the inside of the house as comfortable and welcoming as possible with furniture that, in soothing greens and blues, invited relaxation yet was durable for a growing boy like Griff.
Josh liked this time of evening. He could talk to his son and find out about his day. What he’d done, seen, learned. And Josh would tell about his own day. Only, tonight he left out seeing Rachel. She wasn’t a part of their lives and never would be.
