by Terri Reed
And cost him it did.
In the past few hours he’d glimpsed another facet of Rachel. She was a woman of strong opinions and tastes. Funny and charming when the wall of ice was down. So in need of care and compassion.
Then to hold her, to feel the luxury of her arms wrapped around his waist, had made his soul ache with longing for what might have been. For what would never be.
He sternly reminded himself that he wasn’t enough for this woman. What he had to offer hadn’t been enough twelve years ago and it wouldn’t be enough now.
Her career was on the fast track. Onward and upward. She’d made it clear her life held no room for marriage, no room for commitment. Her career was her priority. That seemed such a joyless and lonely existence.
But when she’d kissed him and he’d felt the splendid caress of her lips against his own, he’d known that keeping his heart safe from Rachel while trying to be there for her was going to take every ounce of strength he could muster, and then some. He sorely wished he could find strength in God, but he’d lost the right to ask for God’s help.
So instead he decided to take the high road. “It’s late.”
Rachel replaced the lid to the box. “Yes. It’s been a long day.”
Josh stood. “You should get some rest.”
A little crease appeared between her blue eyes. A wry chuckle escaped. “I don’t think I’ll get much sleep tonight.”
“Do you want to take the box back to the hotel with you?”
She chewed her bottom lip and stared at the box. Tears glistened in her eyes, making the blue brighter. She didn’t answer. He couldn’t stand to see her in such pain.
He reached for her, pulling her in again to the shelter of his arms. She wasn’t nearly as resistant, and his blood surged at how right it felt to hold her close. “Leave the box. It’ll be here tomorrow.”
She nodded and allowed him to lead her to his truck. They drove to the hotel in silence. He felt protective of her and didn’t like the idea of her alone with only her memories for company. “I’ll stay. I can sleep on the floor.”
Her gaze jumped to his. “No. That won’t be necessary.”
“Maybe not necessary, but the right thing to do.” And the hardest thing.
She gave him a small, gentle smile. “I always liked that about you.”
“What?”
She touched her hand to his jaw, the touch feather light yet searing. “Your sense of honor.”
His chest swelled from her compliment. “I try.”
She cleared her throat. “You should go home.”
She was right, because staying might lead to someplace neither one wanted to go. “You sure you’ll be okay?”
She shrugged. “It’s better this way. I really did appreciate your help tonight. I’m glad you insisted.”
“Just keeping my promise,” he said evenly, but deep down a voice whispered it was so much more than that.
Her mouth twisted. “Well, it’s still appreciated.” She pushed open the door of her unit. “Good night.”
He stepped back. “I’ll have Dad check in on you tomorrow.”
Rachel hated the little spurt of hurt his words caused. A foolish part of her wanted him to check on her. “Fine. Great.”
He touched her cheek, the slight pressure like a brand against her skin. She swallowed and forced herself not to lean into his touch.
“Call if you need anything.”
She lifted her chin. “Of course.”
His hand dropped away. “Good night, then.”
And he walked away.
Rachel couldn’t bear to watch his departure. She closed the door and slowly sank to her knees. She heard the roar of an engine turning over then the spray of gravel as he left the parking lot and drove away.
She hadn’t felt this bereft since the day she’d learned he’d married Andrea. Mistakenly she’d thought focusing on her career had plugged the hole in her heart where her love for him had lived. But now she was left with a gaping abyss she didn’t know how to heal.
And even if by some miracle she and Josh could find their way back to each other, she couldn’t give up on the quest that had consumed her all her life, the task God had entrusted her with—to change the way things were done in the E.R. so that patients weren’t needlessly lost.
And she couldn’t do that in Sonora. She couldn’t go into the E.R. where her mother had died. Not even God would ask that of her.
A line of Scripture came to mind and she clung to the promise in the simple words.
He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.
Peace and comfort would be hers, for God so promised. Her wounds would heal and she would return to her life, accepting the past and looking only to the future.
Without Josh.
The jingle of the phone roused Rachel from a fitful slumber. She opened eyes, gritty from crying herself to sleep, and glanced at the clock. Who would call at seven in the morning? Flipping to her back, she stared at the ceiling. Her body felt bruised, her eyes scratchy and she felt totally drained.
The phone jingled again. Rachel threw an irritated glance at the instrument sitting on the bedside table.
Even as depleted as her body and her emotions were, the steps of mourning that she’d gone through last night were necessary. She wasn’t so presumptuous as to think she’d made it through the whole gamut of emotions that the grieving process produced, but her soul felt cleansed. She was ready to move on with her life. There were a few loose ends that needed her attention; then she could leave. Closure. Isn’t that what they called it?
“You better not be bearing bad news,” she muttered to the ringing phone, and picked up the receiver. “Hello.”
“Is that you, Rachel?” a hesitant young boy’s voice asked.
All irritation fled. “Yes. Griff, is that you?”
“It’s me.” His youthful exuberance returned full force into his voice. “Did I wake you?”
“Mmm-hmm,” she answered on a yawn, and relaxed back on the pillow.
“Sorry, but I wanted to see if you’d go to Columbia with me today.”
“Columbia?” The historic state park on the outskirts of Sonora was one of the finest restored mining towns in the county. She’d spent many weekends exploring the town. Once, in high school, her government class had held a mock trial in the old justice building. She’d been one of twelve students who sat in the old wooden chairs as jurors.
“Yeah, we could go gold-panning. Dad has to work and Grandpa doesn’t want to go.”
“Well…” she hedged. She’d love to spend time with Griff. She didn’t have to be anywhere until later in the afternoon, when she signed the necessary paperwork to sell the house. She did have to call the shippers and Goodwill to arrange for the various boxes to be taken care of, but that wouldn’t take long. And she loved to gold-pan. She and Josh had spent many hours at the task when they’d been younger.
“Will you go? Huh?” Griff’s eager voice snagged her attention.
“Your dad’s at work?”
“Yep, and summer vacation started yesterday. Grandpa has business in town and he said we could pick you up then he’d drop us off in Columbia.”
It would be nice to see Rod again before she left. With Josh at work all day there wouldn’t be any surprise meetings.
“I have to get up and dressed, then make a few phone calls.”
“So you’ll come with me?”
She laughed. “Yes. I’ll go gold panning with you.”
“Yahoo!”
Rachel held the phone away from her ear and grinned. Her mood lightened as energy seeped back into her body. Spending the day with Griff would make a good memory to take with her when she returned to Chicago.
“You sure you won’t join us?”
“No, no. I gave up my gold-panning days long ago. But I sure appreciate you taking Griff. He’s been wanting to do this for some time.” Rod’s gold-specked eyes sparkled with life. Even in his sixties he
was a good-looking man with his thick graying hair and ready grin.
Rachel smiled. “It’s really great to see you.”
Rod reached out and patted her arm. “Now, don’t you worry none. We’ll spend some time together before you head back to your big-city life.”
The way he said it, her life in Chicago sounded glamorous. Too bad there wasn’t anyone there waiting to spend time with her. A familiar sense of loneliness gnawed at the edges of her mind.
A warm smile creased Rod’s weathered face. No one smiled at her with real affection in the big city.
“I’ll be back in time to get you to your appointment. Don’t you worry about that,” he said.
“I’m not.” She turned to Griff. “All set to hit the gold?”
Griff scrambled out of the car in answer. He looked adorable in his loose, navy cotton athletic shorts and yellow-and-red striped shirt. By the size of his once-white sneakers, Rachel knew he’d grow tall like his father. Her heart pinched a little every time she looked at Griff. He resembled his father so much.
She turned back to Rod. “What will you do with yourself now?”
“I’m meeting with Pastor Larkin today about some renovations the church council wants done to the building.”
“Tell him hello for me. And thanks for driving.”
“No problem. You guys have fun and I’ll see you in a few hours.”
Rachel slid from the car and watched Rod drive away, his old white Buick ambling down the road. Tenderness filled her. For the first time she acknowledged to herself that she’d missed out by not having a father figure in her life. Rod was as close as she’d ever come and she loved him for that.
Griff danced from one foot to the other with anticipation, drawing her attention. “Let’s go.” His eyes widened and he pointed. “There’s the stagecoach. Can we take a ride on that, too?”
The jangle of the harnesses on two big chestnut horses and the crunching of large wooden wheels over the loose dirt road heralded the coach’s arrival.
Catching the boy’s enthusiasm, she laughed. “We can do anything your little heart desires.”
“Yahoo!” He tugged her along eagerly.
Rachel was glad she’d worn her running shoes. She’d forgotten that the streets were unpaved, and dust clung to her feet. And she had a feeling Griff intended to run her feet off. She couldn’t think of a better exercise. The wooden sidewalks creaked as they stepped up onto the planks and headed to the stagecoach office.
Rachel paid for their tickets and they walked back outside to wait for the stage.
“I’m so excited,” Griff whispered, loud enough that several people smiled.
In a stage whisper, Rachel replied, “Me, too.”
The coach arrived and let off its passengers. Rachel and Griff climbed aboard. Griff scrambled to sit by the window and Rachel took the seat next to him. Soon the coach was filled and they were off. A speaker in the side of the rig showed the only sign of modernization.
The driver’s voice filled the stage.
“Welcome to Columbia State Park. In 1850 gold was discovered and the mining town exploded with activity.”
Rachel’s mind wandered as she watched Griff, excitement danced in his eyes as he pointed out the window at various passing interests. She hadn’t thought much about having kids of her own, not after Josh had married Andrea. Having a family had been relegated to “someday.” “Someday” had always seemed far away, though looking at Griff she couldn’t stop the maternal stirring in her spirit. She would have liked to have seen Griff as an infant, a toddler and a preschooler. To watch him discover the world and to teach him all the wonders of life.
A knot formed in her stomach. Could she be a good mom and still make a difference?
There were female doctors at the hospital who had families. They managed to be both. Though men dominated the upper management of the hospital, she would find one of her female peers and discover the secret to having a successful career and family. Finding a man to have a family with wouldn’t be as easy. Especially not after seeing Josh, feeling his touch, his kiss—
Thankfully, the voice of the driver interrupted her thoughts.
“In the 1940s, the Parks and Recreation Department acquired the downtown district and restored it to its 1850-to-1870-era appearance. You’ll find many of the shopkeepers dressed in nineteenth-century garb.”
The coach came to a rambling halt.
“We hope you enjoyed your ride,” the driver said. “Have a fun time in town.”
Rachel and Griff disembarked.
A flash of awareness whispered down her spine like a warm breeze. Puzzled by the strange sensation, she glanced around then asked, “Where to now?”
“Gold-panning.”
“Mind if I join you?”
Rachel started at the familiar voice and turned to find Josh leaning against a wooden railing that once had served as the hitching post for horses. Today he wore black shorts, showing off his strong muscular legs, and a red T-shirt emphasizing his broad chest. He looked virile and handsome, making her feel self-conscious in her khaki shorts and scoop-necked blue T-shirt. She hadn’t expected to see him and was shamefully pleased.
“Dad! ’Course we don’t mind.” Griff rubbed his hands together. “This is going to be so fun.”
“I thought you were working today.” Why did she sound so breathless?
He pushed away from the railing and strode toward her. A grin flashed, revealing his white teeth. “I decided to play hookey.”
“What’s hookey?” Griff asked.
Rachel met Josh’s gaze and grinned, waiting to see how he’d explain that.
“Something we’ll talk about when you’re older.”
“Aw, Dad. You always say that.”
He gave her a pained look over Griff’s head. She laughed, liking the shared moment.
“I thought we were gold-panning?” she said.
“Race you,” shouted Griff as he tore down the road toward the end of town.
Josh let out a breath. “Sometimes being a parent keeps me on my toes.”
“Blunder often, do you?” she teased.
“Only when I’m distracted by a pretty girl.” He waggled his blond brows at her.
A blush crept into her cheeks. “Bad habit to have.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” He put his arm around her shoulders and propelled her forward. “This is one habit I probably could get used to.”
He was flirting with her and she liked it, even though it wasn’t a good idea. He was still grieving and she lived thousands of miles away. She slanted him a glance and caught his gaze. The banked fire swirling in the depths of his eyes knocked the breath from her lungs. The day seemed suddenly ten degrees warmer as she felt an answering spark within her.
“Come on, you guys!” Griff yelled from the miner’s shack front porch.
She blinked. A slow smile tipped one corner of Josh’s mouth. He leaned close. She swallowed. Was he going to kiss her, here in front of everyone?
“Race ya,” he whispered, and then started running.
“Hey,” she shouted with a laugh as she made her legs go. They reached Griff at the same time, laughing and breathing hard. “I haven’t felt like this in years.”
Not since she’d left Josh behind.
His steady gaze bore into her in silent knowledge as if he’d heard her thought. She quickly glanced away, unwilling to confirm his suspicion.
Josh went inside and a few moments later returned with pans for each of them. They walked together to the small creek where the pleasant smell of pines mingled with the scent of wet earth.
For what seemed like hours they sifted through mud and dirt for any sparkling specks.
As they worked, Rachel enjoyed the natural way the three of them talked. She found out Griff dreamed to one day be a forest ranger like Josh and Rod. Griff’s admiration for his father and grandfather was obvious.
Josh told stories about Rod and Mom. G. He spoke about his j
ob and she could tell how much he liked the forestry service. She talked about being a doctor, but was careful to keep the focus light. She didn’t want to ruin the easy camaraderie of the day with reminders of what her career meant to Josh.
At one point, she stopped to watch Josh help Griff with a big hard chunk of dirt. Their heads were bent together, their hands chipping away at the dirt. Would Josh ever remarry? She felt a little stab of jealousy for the woman who would capture his heart. She only hoped, for Griff’s sake, Josh chose wisely.
“Well,” Josh finally stood and stretched. “There’s no getting rich quick for us.” He glanced up at her. “Rachel, you okay?”
“Yes.” She was determined to enjoy this time and not dwell on what couldn’t be.
Griff stared at his empty pan with disappointment. “I thought for sure we would find some gold.”
“How about finding some lunch?” Rachel suggested.
The pan forgotten, Griff’s eyes lit up. “That sounds good. I’m starved.”
“Me, too,” Josh stated, his eyes trained on her.
She tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth and repressed a shiver as a charged current passed between them.
Feeling a little dazed, she followed the Taylors to a little deli that had been added to the storefront shops since the last time that Rachel had visited Columbia. They grabbed sandwiches and old-fashioned cream sodas.
When finished with their meal, they walked along the plank sidewalk, ducking into first a jewelry shop where they examined different sizes and shapes of gold nuggets. They continued on through town, looking at the antiques in one store, the tourist items in another. Then even went into the old jailhouse and marveled at the open jail cell with its thick black bars and single cot.
“This is what we need at home,” Josh mused with a teasing glint in his eyes. “A barred cell for when you misbehave.”
“Dad,” Griff squeaked.
A rhythmic pulse bounced off the stone walls. Josh pulled a tiny flip phone from his shorts pocket. After a brief conversation, he hung up. “I need to go to the station.”
To hide her disappointment that the day was coming to an end, Rachel placed a hand on Griff’s shoulder. “We’ll be okay. Rod will be here shortly to pick us up.”
