by Terri Reed
If they loved each other enough, surely they could find a way to make their lives come together. A nagging feeling that tried to rob her of the hope of happiness warned that love hadn’t been enough once.
She wouldn’t let doubt interfere. So much had happened, changed. She’d changed. She would find a way to make this work. She held her breath.
Maybe they were being given another chance.
Oh, God. Please, please. I want Josh to see that I can be a wife, a mother and a doctor.
In the morning, Josh showered and dressed quickly. He checked on Griff who still slept soundly. He paused outside of the guest room door. He considered waking Rachel up and asking her to leave, but decided a note would do just as well. After his fitful night’s sleep, he didn’t think seeing her before he left would be a good thing. He’d dreamed way too much last night. And all of his dreams had centered on Rachel.
Quietly he went down the stairs. He headed for the kitchen, but a movement in his peripheral vision stopped him in his tracks. He turned slowly, his whole body becoming alert to Rachel’s presence, but when he actually saw her, he wasn’t prepared for the sight.
Stunned pleasure surged through his veins and his mind screamed what his heart wanted to deny. She shouldn’t be wearing his old football jersey, the hem flirting with her knees. She shouldn’t be moving so gracefully, her lithe slender body flowing through controlled movements. She shouldn’t be in his house at all.
He couldn’t tear his gaze away. Somewhere in his foggy brain he recalled knowing the type of martial art she was practicing, but he couldn’t think, let alone come up with the name.
Her fluid movements took her through a complete range of motion. Her capable hands, rigid and taut, slid through the air. Her legs gently carried her petite form in a wide arc, yet her feet barely left the ground.
“Good morning, Josh.”
Even her voice flowed, graceful and calm. A shiver sent him into action. Averting his gaze, he began to pace, his heavy boots ringing hollow on the hardwood floor.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he said.
“Yes, I should,” she replied firmly.
He shook his head. “No. When Griff wakes, you should go.”
“You have a fire to put out, don’t you?”
“The others can handle it.”
He hated contemplating not going to the station, but he hated having her entrenched in his house even more because it was only temporary. He didn’t want temporary.
He wanted forever.
She smoothly turned to face him, her hands competently cutting the air in front of her. “You’d hate that, Josh.”
He stopped pacing and narrowed his gaze on her. “You think you know me so well, do you?”
A slight curving of her lips was her only answer.
“Rachel, I can’t have you here anymore.” He winced at the almost-desperate note in his voice. He ached all over, from his heart to his toes.
“Sure you can. You need me.” She bent low at the knees, the hem of his old jersey riding up slightly to reveal firm muscle and curves. All the blood left his head.
“I don’t need you,” he said from between clenched teeth. He wanted her in the most base of ways but he did not need her. No way.
“Sure you do.” She rose and rocked back on one heel. “You need me to stay with Griff.”
“You’re killing me here, Rachel,” he choked out, and tried to pry his gaze from where his jersey pulled tight across her shoulders.
She paused midmotion. A graceful statue, a work of art. A feminine smile curved her lips. He couldn’t imagine her cold or distant at the moment. She glanced at him knowingly.
He was surprised he didn’t just vaporize on the spot. “Rachel.”
“You didn’t have a problem with me being here last night.” She moved again, a slow sweeping arc from left to right, her hands twisting through space.
“I didn’t have a choice last night. You fell asleep.” He certainly had a choice now. But his resolve to make her leave was rapidly slipping and being filled with impossible thoughts. Thoughts about how nice it was to find her here, wearing his shirt. To have her in his house, willing to take care of his son.
“You said I could stay anytime.”
He frowned. “I did?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Well…I vaguely remember getting up in the night. But I don’t remember what I said.” He’d been concerned when he’d heard her bang into the hall table.
“Or what you did?”
He rocked back on the heels of his boots. “Did?”
She pulled her limbs together and executed a neat bow. When she straightened, a smile as bright as lightning lit her face. “You kissed me.”
He blinked, stunned by her smile. Stunned by her statement. He searched his memory; a fuzzy image of Rachel standing in the soft light flowing into the hall came to mind. He’d kissed her good-night. “I did.” He swallowed. That simple little kiss changed nothing. She still had to leave. Quickly. Before he got ideas about more kisses. “I’ll wake Griff. We’ll take you to your hotel.”
“I’ve already arranged for the hotel to messenger my things over.”
“Rachel.”
“Josh.”
He balled his hands into fists. “Why are you doing this? I thought you wanted to get back to your precious hospital and your big-city life as quickly as you could.”
She cocked her head to one side, her smile still in place, only a little less sunny. “We made a promise and I intend on keeping it. Right now, you need help with Griff.”
“I’ll take him with me.”
She rolled her eyes and walked toward him, her bare feet small and graceful. His jersey swished against her knees. She laid a hand on his arm. “Let me do this. Please.”
He shouldn’t. He should make her leave. But with those big, crystal-blue eyes staring up at him so imploringly, so…warm, he couldn’t resist. He couldn’t resist the pull she had on him. His poor battered heart sunk. “For Griff you can stay.”
She patted his arm. “Good. Now off with you. You have a job to do.”
He glanced up the stairs. “Do you want me to carry Griff down for you?”
“Don’t worry. We’ll manage.”
Yes, but would he manage? Josh worried he was making a mistake. He worried that his son would be hurt, that his own heart would not survive the next few days.
He worried he was losing his mind to allow her to stay. But she was right; he couldn’t take Griff with him. He rationalized that another day couldn’t cause any more damage than had already been done. So he allowed her to bustle him out the door. He’d deal with how to get her out of his life and his heart later. There was always later.
Rachel finished cleaning up the last of the mess she’d made while fixing dinner. The dark cabinets and gray speckled counters were wiped clean. The round kitchen dining table was set with four places. Fresh flowers in a jar added a sparkle to the room.
The aromas of warmed garlic bread and baked chicken with carrots and onions tempted her appetite. Where was Josh?
When he’d called earlier to check on Griff, he’d said he would be home around now. And when she’d said dinner would be ready and waiting for them, he’d sounded…put out. As if he didn’t like the idea of her cooking. Did he think she couldn’t handle the meal alone?
She chuckled. She’d put together a fancy feast. In fact, she’d found the domestic task shockingly pleasant. She would prove to Josh that she was not only skilled in healing but in the domestic arts, as well.
The whole day had been pleasant. She and Griff had watched a movie, he’d taught her how to play chess and she’d taught him how to play solitaire. They’d laughed and talked about sports, school and dreams.
Her maternal instincts that had kicked in days before were blooming full force, and she found this form of caretaking appealing.
As a doctor she was responsible to care for bodily injuries, but not emotional well-bei
ng. Fix ’Em And Move ’Em Out was the motto of the E.R. She’d always thought that was best for her. No attachments, no hassles. No risking of her heart. Always staying focused on making sure her mother hadn’t died in vain. Her heart soared to know that she’d accomplished what she’d set out to do.
Now she was free to take the risk with Griff. And she was willing to take the risk with Josh, too. She’d come a long way in a short time. She smiled and glanced upward. Is this part of Your plan, God? She hoped her assumption was on target. There had to be a way to make Josh see that she could be a part of their lives.
The back door opened, startling her. She whirled around as Josh stepped through the doorway. He filled the frame; his towering presence made the air crackle with enflamed energy.
She loved to see him in his uniform. Loved the way the fabric hugged his muscles and the muted green color brightened his hazel eyes.
This morning when he’d come downstairs and watched her do her exercises, she’d had a hard time concentrating, because she’d only wanted to stop and stare at him like a hormone-driven teen.
She swallowed back the urge to throw her arms around him and welcome him home the way a wife would. She wasn’t his wife. The hope that one day she might be his wife made her smile. “Hello.”
He stared at her in silence as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. “Hello,” he said, his tone cautious.
Had her expression given away her thoughts? She schooled her features to impassive politeness. She’d have to tread slowly with him. Let him get used to the idea of having her around. “Dinner’s ready when you are.”
He glanced around. “Wow, great.” He hesitated, then moved farther into the room, closer to Rachel. So close that she could feel heat radiating from his big body.
“Where’s your dad?”
His expression darkened. “He’s staying at the station.”
Though she didn’t comment, she had a feeling she knew why Rod had stayed away. She smiled inwardly and reached to take Josh’s jacket from him.
Their hands brushed, electricity shooting through her. Her gaze flew to his. He regarded her warily, his gaze searching her face.
She blinked and stepped back. Slowly, remember. Don’t spook him. If lightly touching his hand put him on guard, what would an all-out kissing assault do?
She fought back an uncharacteristic giggle tickling her throat. Assaulting a man with her kisses. That was so unlike her. But this wasn’t just any man. This was Josh. What would he do if she kissed him again? Her blood sizzled with anticipation. She just might have to find out.
“This is awesome, Rachel,” Griff exclaimed around a mouthful of chocolate brownie.
Josh watched his son with relief. He loved seeing the life shining from Griff’s gaze. The ugly dark lump on Griff’s forehead reminded Josh the situation could have been much worse.
And he was thankful for Rachel’s stoic presence. Her ability to remain calm, to think in the midst of a crisis. Her willingness to stay with Griff, despite Josh’s objections. She touched Josh deeply.
“Would you like another, Josh?” Rachel asked, her voice smooth and satiny.
She held out the pan, her smile pleasant and her eyes amiable. She was a confusing mix of cold and hot.
When she’d first come back to town, he’d have sworn there was no heat in the perfectly sculptured icehouse surrounding her. But he’d seen glimpses of the woman beneath the ice, a woman who was open and friendly, gracious and kind. He didn’t know what to make of the contrasting elements of Rachel. He looked at the chocolate concoction. “No, thank you. Three’s more than enough.”
“They met with your approval?”
“Yes.” Was she fishing for a compliment? Interesting. “You’re a wonderful cook.”
A soft hue of pink touched her cheeks. She looked pleased.
Griff chimed in. “This is great, huh, Dad? Wouldn’t it be great to have Rachel here all the time?”
Josh’s heart dropped to his toes. This was what he’d been afraid of. That his son would get ideas, get more attached. “Son, this has been nice. But Rachel’s life’s in Chicago. She’ll be returning tomorrow or the next day.”
Griff scrunched up his face. “Why?”
“The fire will be under control and Grandpa and I will be able to come home.”
Griff shook his head. “No. Why does her life have to be there? Why can’t it be here?”
Groaning inwardly, Josh glanced at Rachel. Why wasn’t she helping him out with this? She’d gone motionless, her expression rigid and frosty. He frowned and turned back to his son. “Griff, Rachel’s a doctor in Chicago.”
“She could be a doctor here,” Griff insisted.
Josh gritted his teeth. “Griff—”
“Couldn’t you, Rachel? Couldn’t you be a doctor here? Couldn’t you live here with us? We could be a family,” Griff implored, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
Josh clenched his fists. His son’s heart was going to be broken. Anger—at himself for allowing this and at Rachel for wheedling her way into their lives—made his pulse pound.
And still she sat there cold as ice. Unfeeling and uncaring that she was destroying his son’s young heart. He didn’t even want to think about his own heart. Right now all that mattered was Griff. Josh needed to do damage control. “Son, please. Let’s talk late—”
Then she moved, cutting off what he was about to say.
She leaned forward, her hand reaching to Griff. His son clung to her. Her expression was no less icy, but sparks of heat danced just beyond the cold. Would he ever be able to figure her out? “Griff, I’d love to stay. But that’s something your father and I need to discuss.”
Floored, Josh sat back in his chair. She had no right to get his son’s hopes up. No right to suggest there was some way for them. What about her precious career? What about her life in Chicago? He couldn’t allow himself to give in to the spurt of hope her words produced.
If he did, he’d never recover.
Enraged by Rachel’s suggestive remark, Josh abruptly stood. “Griff, this is something we’ll discuss later. Right now you need your rest.”
“Aw, Dad,” Griff complained, his gaze darting between the two adults.
“Go on, Griff. Your dad’s right.”
Josh couldn’t look at Rachel. He had to concentrate on his son. Had to get him out of there to a safer place. He picked Griff up and strode from the room.
“Dad, are you angry?”
Trying to control the wrath raging in his heart, Josh said carefully, “I’m upset.”
“Why?”
Climbing the stairs, Josh wondered how best to answer that question. He decided on the direct and honest approach. “Because I’d like Rachel to stay, too, but she can’t. She’s a doctor and that will always be her priority.”
Griff frowned, seeming to think over his father’s words. “But she could be a doctor and still be in our family. Kevin’s mom’s a lawyer and she’s still part of their family.”
“That’s different,” he responded through a throat tight with aching. He ached for his son, for himself. He ached because he didn’t want Rachel to leave.
But she couldn’t stay. He couldn’t play second fiddle to her career, knowing one day she might decide she no longer wanted to do both. And he’d be the one she’d give up.
He laid Griff on his bed.
Griff settled himself back on the pillow. “Why’s that different?”
Josh sighed. “Because it just is. Rachel lives in the big city. She’d never be content here.”
“Sure she would.”
“But that’s not what I want,” Josh said harshly. He smoothed hair back from Griff’s bruise, careful not to put pressure on the lump. “If I remarry, I want someone who would be content to be my wife and your mother.”
Griff stared at him for a long moment, then his little jaw set into a determined line. “When I get married, my wife can be anything she wants to be.”
G
riff’s simple, profound statement hit Josh hard, knocking the breath from his lungs.
He realized it wasn’t about Rachel’s career choice. It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d become a dentist, a teacher or an accountant. As long as her career, her dream, was more important than his love, he couldn’t risk his heart. He couldn’t measure her commitment to him and he needed concrete assurance.
Josh gathered his son close to his chest. “I love you, Griff.”
“I love you, too, Dad.”
He left Griff with the bedside lamp on and books to read.
Squaring his shoulders, Josh knew what he had to do. It was time to tell Rachel to leave. Not tomorrow, or the next day, but now. Her presence was too confusing, too painful. For both Griff and himself. He was tired of hurting, tired of feeling that ache take root in his soul.
The healing process would take time, but he would heal. They would heal together, he and his son. They didn’t need Rachel.
The thought left him feeling cold and empty, reassuring him that he was making the right choice. Because without Rachel in his life, he would be empty and cold.
He stepped into the kitchen to see Rachel holding the phone receiver to her ear. She had her back to him, with one finger she traced patterns in the woodwork on the wall.
“Yes, of course. I do realize the importance of my position and I’ll be back to…I understand, Doctor. Yes, I will take care of the situation. A few days at the most.”
Josh didn’t need any further confirmation that sending Rachel away now was the right thing to do. He and his son couldn’t withstand the torture of having her around for a few more days.
A noise behind Rachel announced Josh’s presence. She turned in time to see him stalking away. She finished her call and hung up.
With a sigh she leaned against the wall. The chief of staff of Cook County Hospital in Chicago wanted to know when she would be returning. She’d bought some time because she needed time to sort out the future, but she also knew she had a responsibility to the hospital. She would go back to resign and help make the transition easier for a new attending.
