She followed him into the modern, open-plan kitchen and looked around, liking the spacious airy feel of it. She’d only been inside his house a couple of times and it still felt strangely alien territory.
‘Smells good. Anything I can do?’
‘Nope … here …’ He poured her a glass of wine and handed it to her. ‘I’ve just got to cook the steak, and it’s all done.’
Her eye was caught by a photo of Nick and Rosie on the window ledge and she wandered over to study it.
‘That was my wife.’
‘Yes, I know. She looks just like I remember her,’ Grace said softly.
‘You knew her?’ Nick’s glance was sharp.
‘Of course I did, everyone around here knew Rosie. And her parents were friends of my parents – they were very kind to Lynette and me when Mum died.’
Nick was looking suddenly edgy. ‘I had no idea. Stupid of me I suppose. I never thought to ask.’
Grace regarded him steadily. ‘Is it a problem for you that I knew her?’
‘Not at all.’
They sat down at the table and for a moment the silence was uncomfortable.
‘Did you know her well?’ Nick asked eventually.
‘She was a few years older than me – more Lynette’s age than mine, but I remember she was great fun. I shouldn’t think she had an enemy in the world.’
‘No.’ Nick smiled. ‘Everyone loved her.’
An impossible image to live up to, Grace realised. No wonder he’d never remarried.
She looked at him curiously. ‘Have you never even been tempted to marry again? Eight years is a long time to be on your own.’
‘You’ve managed it.’
‘It’s different for a woman. I don’t think many men would still be single in your shoes.’
Nick shrugged. ‘It suits me the way it is – no-one taking over my life. You of all people must understand that? I don’t think I’ve met a more independent woman.’
Grace laughed. ‘I’ve been independent because I’ve had to be. But actually, I think my views could be changing.’
‘Oh?’
‘Well …’ She tipped him a grin over the rim of her glass. ‘I don’t want it to go to your head, but you’re my first lover in seven years. I was so caught up in angst over Rory and worrying about Ellie, that I didn’t have room for the added complication of a man in my life. But now I’m thinking that it might be nice to meet someone, if it was the right person. I could even have more children. I’d never even have considered that a few months ago.’
‘What do you think Ellie’s views on that might be?’
‘I think she’d love a little sister or brother – once she got over the shock of her mother still having sex.’
Nick chuckled. ‘Talking of which …eat up … we’ve got a whole evening ahead of us before the kids come back.’
Much later, as she lay in his arms, he returned to the subject.
‘I take it you will give me plenty of notice when you find this paragon of virtue you’re searching for?’
She snuggled up to him and smiled sleepily. ‘I think you’re safe for a little while yet.’
He trailed his hand idly down her back. ‘What would you say if I was to suggest you stay over tonight?’
Her eyes flew open as she looked up at him. Then she laughed. ‘I’d say I wasn’t fooled. You’d hate that as much as I would.’
‘That’s a strong word to use.’
She poked him in the ribs. ‘You know what I mean, you’d freak out if I said yes – you know you would.’
‘Even so, to say you’d hate it …’
‘Okay … so maybe it was a bit strong. I’d love to stay if the kids weren’t around, you know that. But they are and unfortunately it isn’t an option.’
‘Are you ashamed of our relationship?’
She eyed him warily, aware that there was an edge to his voice that hadn’t been there before. ‘No.’
‘Well, that’s how it makes me feel with all the sneaking around we do.’
‘That’s not fair, Nick. You made it clear from the beginning how you stand on girlfriends staying over and it’s how I feel too. Why should it be a problem all of a sudden? We both agreed it was the best way to handle things with the kids–’
‘No, we didn’t. It’s you who wanted to keep it secret from everyone, not me. I may keep my family and personal lives separate but I’ve never had to do all this cloak-and-dagger stuff before.’
‘Well, I’m sorry but I have to think of Ellie.’ Grace’s tone was stubborn. ‘I thought you understood that.’
She hauled herself up onto one elbow and studied the set expression on his face. ‘So tell me – how would you have reacted just now if I’d said I’d like to stay over?’
‘It’s irrelevant because I knew you wouldn’t.’
‘So you were testing me?’
He hesitated. ‘Not intentionally, but maybe ...’
‘Well, you know as well as I do that if I’d said yes, you’d have backtracked like mad. You don’t want me intruding in your space anymore than …’ She broke off abruptly, realising that actually she’d love nothing more than to have him intruding in hers.
‘Any more than you want me intruding in yours? I think I’m getting the picture.’
‘Oh, Nick.’ She sighed. ‘Don’t let’s argue. We get so few evenings together. We can’t change anything.’
He stared at her for a long moment. ‘And that’s the problem. I don’t get what this relationship’s about. It’s not going anywhere, is it?’
She doubted he even realised the irony of that – that the likes of Suzanne had probably been saying the exact same thing to him over the past eight years.
‘I’m sorry but I don’t know what else to say. You know what Ellie’s been through, and she already hero-worships you. I won’t raise her hopes to dash them when I know ours isn’t a permanent relationship. It’s as simple as that. I did that to her once, I won’t do it again.’
‘I think kids are a lot more resilient than you give them credit for – and Ellie in particular. But, she’s your daughter.’
‘Yes, she is.’
A tense silence followed her words in which Grace couldn’t help wishing she’d held her tongue. She didn’t want Ellie becoming more of an issue between them than she already was.
She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Is it because you feel it’s me and not you dictating the terms that you can’t handle it?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Then what is it?’
‘You keep me at arms’ length. It makes me feel you don’t trust me.’
‘Of course I trust you. I suppose I just don’t want to get too dependent on you. Isn’t that why you distanced yourself from Suzanne, because she was starting to demand too much from you?’
‘Don’t bring Suzanne into it. What we have is completely different.’
‘No, it’s not.’ She forced her gaze to meet his coolly. ‘Not really. We get on well but we both know this isn’t permanent.’
‘Oh, for crying out loud.’ He threw back the duvet and reached for his clothes. ‘Why do you keep banging on about the end of our relationship before it’s even got off the ground?’
‘Because one of us needs to be realistic. I told you what Ellie and Will were up to, trying to get us together. It’s not right to raise their hopes. You’re the perfect father figure in Ellie’s eyes and she’s already too fond of you. It would be another trauma for her when we broke up and I won’t do that to her.’
He stared at her hard. ‘If that’s really the way you feel then perhaps we should ask ourselves if there’s any point continuing?’
It was the moment she’d been pushing him to ever since this conversation had started, she realised – and the moment she’d been dreading. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done as she forced her gaze to hold his. But he needed to understand that she meant every word of what she was saying. ‘If you�
��re not happy with the way things are, then perhaps we should.’
‘That’s what you want then, is it? For us to finish?’
No!
For a moment, she thought she’d said it out loud. That wasn’t what she wanted at all. How could he not know that?
‘It’s not what I want,’ she heard herself saying. ‘But … things seem to be getting more complicated, don’t they?’
‘Fine.’
She watched in silence as he picked up his tee-shirt and pulled it over his head. Was that it then? Was it over? How had they come to this so quickly?
‘We can still be friends?’ The words were torn from her despite her determination to be strong.
He turned back to face her. ‘I’m not made of stone, even if you are. I told you once before that I couldn’t go out with you just as a friend and that applies even more now.’
She was stunned by the finality in his voice. She could hardly think for the tumult of emotions spinning round in her head. It was no good telling herself he’d never really been hers to have – the knowledge she was about to lose him was devastating.
It was the realisation of realisations, as she lay there looking up at him. And if she felt like this after only a few weeks – how would she feel after several months? Maybe it was better this way.
She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I've made a mess of things, I know. Maybe I didn’t think things through enough when we started this. But I do know that I have to listen to my instincts where Ellie’s concerned.’
There was a long silence after her words. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
He sighed. ‘I get where you’re coming from, even if I don’t agree with it. And if it’s what you want ...’
She forced her eyes to meet his. ‘It’s not what I want, Nick, but I think it’s for the best. I hope we can at least be civil to each other in company?’
He shrugged. ‘I’m sure we’ll manage. I’ll see you downstairs.’
He turned and left the room, and Grace sat there for a long moment before hauling herself out of the bed. She couldn’t stop the tears from leaking out as she got dressed. Never had her love as a mother been tested as much as it had been tonight – and it was no consolation at all knowing she’d made the only decision she could.
She cast her mind back, wondering if she could have played things out differently. But the truth of the matter was, it had always been going to end like this – if not tonight, then next month or six months down the line. Better that it happened now, before she became even more involved.
She ran a brush through her hair and turned to have one last look around Nick’s bedroom, memorising every detail. Ironic that the first time she should sleep in his bed should also be the last.
Her eyes came to a halt on a photograph on his windowsill. It wasn’t one she’d seen before and she moved over to take a closer look. She recognised it instantly. It had been taken the night of Marianne’s BBQ. Grace was laughing into the camera and Nick was looking at her. Something in his expression made her want to carry on looking at that picture, as if she could analyse what she saw there, but eventually she turned back to the door. What did it matter that he had a photo of her in his bedroom – it wouldn’t be there much longer, that was for sure.
He was waiting for her at the foot of the stairs and their eyes locked as she walked slowly down.
‘I’ll see you home.’
‘There’s no need.’
‘It’s getting late, I’ll walk you back.’
They walked the whole way in silence. The dark night surrounding them seemed to mirror the fog that had settled in Grace’s head and she couldn’t think of one word that might, even yet, retrieve the situation.
At her door, she steeled herself to look at him. ‘I don’t think it would work, me coming into the office any more – I know you weren’t expecting me over the Christmas break anyway, but will you make some excuse to Paul for me?’
‘Sure. I’ll drop Ellie back later as planned. Goodbye, Grace.’
‘Bye …’ The lump in her throat was choking her. She turned from him, inserting the key in the lock. She thought she felt the slightest whisper of a touch in her hair and then he was gone, striding swiftly off into the darkness.
As soon as the door closed behind her the tears fell. But as calm gradually settled over her, with it came acceptance. She’d allowed herself to become too heavily involved with Nick and that was stupid – she’d always known it wasn’t permanent. It was another lesson well learned for the future.
She made her way up the stairs. She had half an hour before he dropped Ellie back. Just enough time for a quick shower and makeup, to cover the ravages of her crying.
‘It was great,’ Ellie said, doing a little twirl in the kitchen. ‘We had these cards where the boys had to come up and put their name down if they wanted to dance with you. You know … really old fashioned, like they used to do in your day probably. My card was full all night!’
‘What about Tim? Didn’t he have something to say about that? I thought he was your partner.’
‘Oh …’ For a moment, Ellie looked sheepish. Then she grinned. ‘Actually, you were right, Mum … I think I am a bit young yet for a boyfriend. He kissed me when we were on the dance floor.’ She wrinkled her nose in distaste. ‘It was gross. He stuck his tongue in my mouth. Is that what boys do when they kiss you?’
Grace laughed, thinking how great it was that her daughter could lift her out of the deepest of glooms. ‘Sometimes, but if you like the boy in question it can be quite nice.’
‘Yuk. Anyway, it was much more fun dancing with the boys in my class and having a laugh.’
She gave a yawn and got up to give her mother a hug. ‘Night, Mum … I’m exhausted. See you in the morning.’
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Grace put the phone down and for the first time in two days felt as if the cloud was beginning to lift. It had taken her that long to steel herself to call Lynette and fill her in on all that had happened between her and Nick.
‘Oh, Grace, what a shame. It was going so well last time we spoke.’
‘I always knew it was too good to be true and now I feel like crap.’
There was a significant pause down the line. ‘Is that because you’ve fallen for him, do you think?’
Trust Lynette, but what was the point denying it? Of course she’d fallen for him – hook, line and sinker – and how stupid was that when she’d always known there was no future in it?
‘Probably. And I’ve only got myself to blame. He made it clear from the outset that no-one could take the place of his precious Rosie.’
‘Well, we can’t love to order,’ her sister said, ‘and he is quite hot. You won’t be the first to have fallen prey to his charms, I’m sure.’
‘Thanks, Sis. That makes me feel a lot better.’
Lynette laughed. ‘Sorry. But you’ve done the right thing ending it if you weren’t happy with the way things were–’
‘It wasn’t me who had the problem with the way things were. He was the one who objected to the fact that our relationship had to stay secret.’
‘Hmm …’ There was a significant pause down the line. ‘Maybe that’s a good sign,’ Lynette said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well … if he didn’t give a toss about you would it bother him if it was secret or not?’
Grace gave a short laugh. ‘You don’t give up, do you? I know you’d like the romantic ending but it’s not going to happen.’
Lynette’s tone became rallying. ‘Well, it certainly isn’t with that attitude. Grace Harper, you're a great catch for anyone – when are you going to see that? Have you heard from him at all since Friday?’
‘No. And I’m dreading next Sunday now. Evelyn’s going to all that trouble doing her pre-Christmas lunch for everyone, and the atmosphere’s going to be terrible. I’m thinking of crying off.’
‘Don’t you dare. Leo and I won’t know anyone if you do
that. And the more I think about it, the more I think you shouldn’t give up quite yet.’
‘I’m not making a fool of myself chasing after him – I meant what I said about Ellie. I’m not going to let her get hurt in all this. Surely you of all people can understand that?’
‘Of course I can. I’m not suggesting you chase after him. I’m just thinking that it would do no harm to hold your head up high and march in there on Sunday looking drop-dead gorgeous – remind him what he’s missing out on. Where’s the harm in that?’
Despite herself, Grace chuckled. ‘You’re unbelievable. What would I do without you?’
‘Well, think about it – and whatever happens, look at the positives. You’ve dipped back into the real world and liked it – you’ve come a long way from where you were in Barnet. You should be proud of yourself.’
She was right, Grace thought later as she stared out of the window onto the garden. She had come a long way. And so had Ellie.
And she wouldn’t regret the decision she’d made. As she watched Ellie happily topping up the food on the bird table, she absolutely knew it had been the right one.
The pub was buzzing as Stuart and Grace followed the waiter through to their table.
‘Is near the fire alright for you?’ the waiter asked.
‘Perfect,’ Grace said. ‘It’s freezing outside.’
‘Busy for a country pub,’ Stuart said, sitting down opposite her. ‘They obviously do well.’
‘It’s owned by an ex–Masterchef runner up, so the food’s excellent – and Friday’s always the Specials night. We’re lucky to have it on our doorstep.’
She looked casually around, then froze at the sight of Nick with another male friend, propping up the bar. She suppressed her first instinct to leap up and run, and was just debating whether she could come up with some feasible excuse to go elsewhere when she’d just been extolling the pub’s virtues so highly, when he turned and saw her, his eyes fixing intently on the man opposite her.
She looked quickly down at her menu, and after they’d given their orders, Stuart looked at her. ‘Tell me about yourself. What have you been doing the last few years?’
Shadow Watcher, A Romantic Suspense Novel Page 26
