by Barbara Goss
Gavin seemed in the best of moods, which irritated Peggy even more. How would she ever get rid of these feelings? Maybe they would be better off living in Salina, after all. Maybe living so close to Violet was not a good idea.
At bedtime, Peggy went in to say goodnight to Gavin. Once again, he pulled her down onto the bed beside him. He turned over onto his left side and faced her, kissing her passionately.
Gavin pulled her closer and whispered into her ear,“I want you so much, Peggy.”
Without thinking she blurted out, “As much as you wanted Violet?”
Gavin froze. He pushed her away and searched her face. “I can’t believe you just asked me that?”
“Well, do you?”
“Goodnight, Peggy,” he said, and turned away onto his right side, which she knew must have been painful for him.
“Gavin?”
“Goodnight, Peggy. Turn out the light on your way out.”
Peggy slid off his bed and left the room.
Gavin didn’t fall asleep for an hour or so after Peggy left. Now he knew what had been bothering her. Was this destined to forever stand in their way? The incidents with Violet had never seemed to bother her before, as she'd accepted his explanation without question. Was it Violet’s frequent visits that had gotten to Peggy? More importantly, how could he fix it?
Chapter 14
Peggy tossed and turned in her bed, wondering why she’d said what she had to Gavin and opened a door that could now never be closed. She felt sick. Why hadn’t she just accepted Gavin's love without trying to make him measure it against what he'd felt for Violet? He’d already told her what he had for Violet was an obsession, and not love—but hadn’t he still wanted her? Wasn’t that the reason for the attack?
The look on his face was something she’d never forget. Why had she asked? Had she lost him? She beat her pillow with her fist. She hated when she did or said something foolish and couldn’t take it back afterwards. When would she learn to think before she acted or spoke?
How could she ever face him in the morning? How should she act? How would he act? This was most uncomfortable, to say the least.
She wondered if a simple apology would fix it. She couldn't bear to lose Gavin. She’d have to figure out a way to cure this jealousy. She sat up, turned on the light, and grabbed her bedside Bible to look for something in God’s word to help her.
Peggy turned to the book of James, her favorite book of the Bible, as it was the easiest to understand. She prayed for God to show her something to help her, gasping when she came to James 3:16: "For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work."
Now she felt as though she needed to see Billy about this. She didn’t want confusion and every evil work; she wanted a cure.
Peggy avoided going into Gavin’s room in the morning. She didn’t feel able to face him. She sent Timmy in to call him to breakfast, instead.
When he came to the table she could tell by the shadows under his eyes he hadn’t slept well. This made her feel even more guilt, since he needed his sleep to fully heal.
He bantered with Timmy and Pearl, but avoided looking at her altogether. She felt as if she’d lost her whole world, and the way she’d always looked forward each morning, to his kisses, and having breakfast together. She’d gone ahead and ruined everything.
After breakfast, Gavin and Timmy went out to the porch while she and Pearl did the dishes.
“What’s going on?” Pearl asked.
“What do you mean?
“Anyone can see there’s a problem between you and Gavin. What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing. We just had a slight disagreement, our first. I’m sure it will be fine if I let him cool off.”
“That’s what I used to do when your father was angry at me. I’d just stay out of his way for a while. We never let the sun go down on an argument, though,” she said.
Peggy froze. They weren’t even married yet and they had already let the sun go down on an argument. She'd ruined their marriage even before it took place.
“I have to run some errands this morning, will you look after Gavin and Timmy?”
“Of course I will. Run along. I'm sure Gavin will have cooled off by the time you return.”
Peggy headed for the church. She knew Billy was there every day counseling or just doing work.
She found him in the sanctuary, replacing old hymnbooks with new ones.
“Hello, Peggy. How’s Gavin doing?”
“He’s doing great.”
“The last few days have been crazy or I’d have visited him. And now the new shipment of hymnbooks has arrived—”
“Can I speak to you for a few minutes?” When he looked up at her with a puzzled look, she added, “It’s important.”
He dropped the box he’d been carrying, and led her to his office. “I’ve always time for you or Gavin. Come on in.” He held the office door wide for her to enter.
When they'd been seated he sat with his hands folded waiting for her to begin.
“I have a big problem,” she said.
“Nothing we can’t solve, I hope,” Billy said.
“I’m jealous. I can’t seem to get rid of these feelings. What can I do, Billy?”
“I need a bit more information,” Billy said.
“I’m jealous…of Violet. She’s visiting all the time, and the other day she even gave Gavin a hug. I know he wanted her at one time so badly that he…tried to force himself on her, and now…I just wonder if he wants me as much as he used to want her. I hate when she comes to visit because it seems like his eyes light up, and I think he enjoys her visits.”
Peggy wiped tears from her eyes. “That’s not the worst of it.” She blew her nose and continued. “Last night, I asked Gavin if he wanted me as much as he’d wanted Violet. He turned away from me in anger, and hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“Oh, boy!” Billy said inside of a sigh.
“I know. I’ve spoiled our whole relationship.”
“Peggy, jealousy is normal especially when you love someone. Unless it consumes you, then it isn’t normal. Do you feel it’s consuming you? Do you think of it night and day? Are you making yourself ill with it?”
“Yes, to all those questions.”
“Is your relationship with Gavin based on trust, respect, and love?” he asked.
“It was…I was fine until Violet accepted him, and started visiting.”
“I see.” Billy reclined in his chair and seemed to be looking heavenward for answers.
“If your relationship isn’t stabled by love and trust, then you’ll naturally feel insecure and jealous.
“Look, Peggy. I’ve counseled Gavin since I first came to Grace Church. In fact, he was my first counseling appointment. I know him. I can’t divulge anything we've discussed, but I can tell you one thing: you have nothing whatsoever to fear from Violet. That tomb has been sealed. She’s happily married, for one thing. The other is that he never loved her. He loves you.”
“Then why did he try to force himself on her?” she asked. “He must have wanted her, physically.”
“Not necessarily. You need to ask him these questions, Peggy. I can’t tell you things we've talked about, but I can tell you one thing: he loves you. Remember that he was willing to give up his camp for you.”
“Or did he choose me to spite Violet because she made such a ridiculous request?” Peggy said.
“You really have been consumed, haven’t you?” Billy said.
She nodded.
“When did you invite the Holy Spirit into your heart, Peggy?” Billy asked.
“Oh, goodness! I was about twelve.”
“I think you may need to renew it.”
“Why? I thought once was enough.”
“Usually, but it can’t hurt, can it?
“Some people believe saying the sinner’s prayer is enough, but it’s just the beginning. You need constant reinforcement, otherwise people would say the sinner’s prayer and
never bother to go to church or read the Bible again. Saying the sinner’s prayer confirms your beliefs, but it doesn’t end there. It's the beginning, not the end.
“Someday you’ll become a mother, and you’ll have nine months to prepare for the event. Step by step you’ll adjust to being a mother, physically and mentally. Being born again must be a gradual process because it involves a complete change of character. ‘If any one be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.’ Rebirth involves new knowledge, new habits, new activities, new loves, and a new awareness of God.
“At twelve you might not have really opened up your heart, or fully understood. That is why, after a child accepts the Lord, we need to tell them how to stay with their decision. We always follow up.” He smiled at Peggy. “Let’s do it.”
“Now?” she asked.
“Yes. Right now.”
Pearl took a seat on the porch beside Gavin, who was staring out into space, but looking at nothing in particular.
“Whatever it is,” she said, “you need to open it up and talk about it with Peggy. Don’t let it fester, Gavin.”
Gavin looked at her. Her eyes were full of sincere caring. He picked up her hand and kissed it. “That’s good advice, Mother. It’s a touchy subject, but it has to be discussed, I suppose. Like it or not.”
“If you truly love her you have to fix the problem before it becomes too big to fix.”
“Mother, you are very wise. How did you become so knowledgeable about personal relationships?”
“My husband and I were married for thirty-five years before he passed. I miss him so much, Gavin. He was a wonderful man… much like Quinn. We had plenty of arguments, but we never stayed mad more than a day, and never let the sun go down on an argument.”
“I’ll talk to her today, Mother. I’d appreciate a few prayers for my being able to express myself well enough to solve things.”
“I’ll do that.” She stood. “I think that’s her coming down the drive now. Don’t wait. I’ll keep Timmy busy.”
“Thank you, Mother.”
“I never tire of hearing you call me that.” She kissed his forehead before scurrying into the house as Peggy approached.
Peggy climbed up the porch steps.
“Gavin, I—"
“Peggy, I—"
They spoke simultaneously, then laughed for the first time in hours.
“Would you walk with me back to my room? We need to talk,” Gavin said.
“Yes, we do.”
He took her hand, led her to his room, and he closed the door behind them. He stood with his back to the door, held out his arms, and Peggy flew into them. He rocked back and forth with her for several minutes.
“I’m so sorry, Gavin,” she sobbed.
“And I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you about this last night. I shouldn’t have let it go overnight. I need to sit you down and explain some things to you, and if, when I’m finished, you still feel like you did last night, then we can’t get married. We can’t.”
Peggy put her hand over Gavin’s mouth. “No! Don’t say that.”
“Sit,” Gavin said, and pointed to one of the two chairs by the bed. “Now, listen to me, and don’t interrupt until I’m finished.”
Peggy nodded.
Gavin noticed her face grow pale when he said they shouldn’t marry if things weren't resolved, but he meant it—It had to be fixed.
“I never loved Violet. I do, however, love you—with all my heart. I never wanted Violet physically; I used forcing myself on her to coerce her into marrying me. I did not want her out of physical need, you have to believe that.
“When I met Violet, the first thing I noticed was how much she looked like my first wife. Then, as I got to know her, I became obsessed with marrying her, not because I loved her, but because I envisioned that she’d be perfect for me. I decided that before ever kissing her or even holding her hand. We were both teachers, she liked my company, and we had a lot of similar interests. She looked good on my arm, and I knew I had to have her for my wife. I wasn’t right in the head, if you know what I mean. I’d lost Alice, had to raise Timmy, and I had all sorts of problems. Having an obsession is not normal behavior. It’s a form of mental illness, temporary, thank God, but an illness all the same.
“Billy explained it to me best. He said obsessions could feed compulsive attempts to control others. The more we are obsessed, the more we lose of ourselves. I tried to control Violet in the only way I could. It wasn't love, Peggy. It was never love, or physical desire, you have to believe me.
“I have one more confession to make, and that’s about Timmy’s mother. I was a horrible husband. I never loved her like I love you. She filled all my physical needs, and that was all. She was not a virgin when I married her, and she was quite promiscuous before I met her, but I didn’t care, because she filled my physical needs. I used her, and I felt guilty about that after she died. I had so much going on inside my head.
“Billy and I talked about that, too. I felt guilty for how I treated Alice after she died. Do you know I never even knew if she received gratification from our lovemaking? Truth be told, I didn’t care. I was gratified, and that was all that mattered to me. I felt so ashamed, and my being raised without love, losing my wife, caring for Timmy, and all the guilt I carried, played a large part in who I was at the time I met Violet.
“The day I met Billy was the beginning of the new person that I am now. It isn’t fair of you to compare me with the man I was then, because I’m not him anymore. I don’t want to know him anymore. He was a horrible person.”
“Are you finished?” Peggy asked.
“Yes.” Now, Gavin was worried. Would this end that chapter for them, or would this be what will forever separate them? He held his breath.
“I’ve been jealous of Violet since she started coming here. I went out of my mind with jealousy when I saw her hugging you. I went to see Billy today, and afterwards I felt pretty confident I could handle this emotion, but after hearing what you just said, I know I positively can move on. Like Billy said, our marriage has to be based on love, trust and respect. I think we both have what we need for a good, solid marriage.”
“I do want you physically, Peggy, but not for my own gratification. I want you so I can give you gratification. That’s what made me first realize I loved you. I no longer think of my own needs, I think of yours first. I can’t wait to introduce you to marital relations, and I can’t wait to see the look of satisfaction on your face, knowing that I put it there.”
“Oh, Gavin!” Peggy stood and slid onto Gavin’s lap. She put her arms around his neck. “I love you so much.”
“Are you absolutely sure the question you asked me last night has been answered and we can put it to rest…forever?” he asked, looking at her intently.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
Gavin hugged her to him. “I’m glad.”
Chapter 15
Gavin and Peggy had a simple wedding planned. They were to meet Billy at the church at ten in the morning, exchange vows with just Pearl, Timmy, Rose, and Quinn present. Pearl planned on a light repast at the house for the seven of them, as Billy was also invited.
Pearl helped Peggy into her wedding dress. She helped fluff up the sleeves of the light green, ruffled dress. Peggy insisted on green because one of the first compliments Gavin had given her was that green was her color. The dress was fairly plain from the waist up, and then had rows of ruffles to the floor.
Pearl opened a box she’d brought into the room with her. She took out a string of pearls and placed them around Peggy’s neck.
“Where did you get the pearls, Mother? They’re beautiful.”
“Your father gave them to me on our wedding day. They're real pearls. He said a Pearl should have real pearls.”
“I remember he often called you his jewel,” Peggy said. “Thank you, Mother.”
“Now, we need to put something nice on your head. I have j
ust the thing.” Her mother disappeared from the room and came back later with a piece of green chiffon.
“Sit still. I’m going to pull your hair up onto the top of your head, hold it up with combs, and then weave the chiffon into it, sort of like a crown. I’ll leave just a small curl dangling in front of each ear. There…how’s that?”
“Oh, Mother, it’s beautiful, if I do say so myself. I’m so glad we’ll all live together.”
“I am, too. I feel very comfortable with Gavin. He’s a good man. You take good care of him.”
“I plan to.”
“Oh, goodness. I don’t believe the time. It’s nearly ten and if you aren’t on time poor Gavin will think you’ve changed your mind,” Pearl said.
“No, he won’t think that. Our love is based on trust and love. He’ll know I was fussing too long with my appearance,” Peggy said.
Gavin paced before the altar while Billy kept telling him stories about funny things that happened at weddings. Just what he needed. He was presently relating a story about a man whose fiancée didn’t show up for the wedding, so he pulled a woman off the street and dragged her in and wanted to marry her in his fiancée’s place.
Gavin laughed at the story, but didn’t really think it was funny. He knew Billy was just trying to settle his nerves. He wasn’t exactly nervous—he'd been through this before—but the first time it was at a justice of the peace, and not in God’s house. He was worried about the train ride, finding the summer place once they’d arrived, and about consummating his marriage. He knew Peggy was a virgin, and he’d never been with one in that way. In fact, the only woman he’d ever been with that way was his first wife. It had been five years since he’d been with a woman. What if he hurt her? What if she didn’t like it?
Then Peggy was walking toward him, and he forgot all of his fears. She was a lovely sight. His almost wife! She was beautiful.
