I feel horrible about Dirty Alice and I don’t know what to do and so I go to my ma’s room and think I will take one of her pills to make me less anxious and scared and fearful like she does and all the other things that go away when you take one. I sneak into their bedroom.
The pills are in an orange bottle and Ma has left the lid off. They have her name on them. Rosemary Murray. The bottle says, ‘2 times a day or as needed’. I think I need a lot and so I pour maybe four into my hand but then I think I see Ma only take one and so I take one for my first try and then another and then another and then another. I put the rest back, that’s when Ma shows up and sees me holding her bottle with the lid off. She starts to scream for Da.
‘Brian!’
Da knows the scream well and is pounding up the stairs followed by Frankie, who gets kicked out of the way. I hear him yelp.
‘What’s going on?’ yells Granny.
‘He’s taken the pills. Oh dear God,’ says Ma.
‘How many did you take?’ growls Da. He grabs at the bottle. He checks the contents. ‘Michael, for the love of Jesus how many did you take?’ He grabs my mouth, opens it and can see I’ve already swallowed whatever I’ve taken.
‘Two. Three,’ I cry. ‘I don’t know.’
‘We have to get him to hospital,’ says Ma.
‘Call Kenny’s da,’ says Granny.
Ma runs down the stairs followed by Frankie. She almost trips on him. ‘Would someone throw that fucking dog outside?!’ yells Ma.
Granny runs down and throws Frankie out the back, saving him from careless feet and boots up the arse.
I start to feel sleepy and my mouth feels dry. My legs go wobbly. I have to sit on the ground.
‘Get up, Michael. Get up!’ yells Da.
Da lifts me into his arms. ‘Stay awake, son,’ but I can’t.
The next thing I remember is throwing up into a bucket and I have a tube in my nose. It feels horrible and it hurts. I hear Ma crying like a baby and when I look up I see Da and Granny looking worried and a doctor looking angry. He is the new doctor. We call him Dr Mainland because he’s from the mainland and everyone hates him. Everyone preferred Dr Robertson, but he retired last year and is now living with his sister in Glasgow. He had been our family doctor for my whole life and gave us all lollipops whenever we came to see him.
‘You can’t leave those things lying around. That’s what medicine cabinets are for,’ growls Dr Mainland.
Paula Leighton who Ma went to school with is the nurse helping with the tube removal and silver buckets of vomit. She smiles awkwardly at Ma.
‘Will he be OK?’ Ma asks Paula.
‘He will,’ whispers Paula.
‘It’s fortunate for us all he didn’t take the whole bottle. I am referring this case to the social services. There’s something very wrong here. I’ve seen this boy twice in the past year and I am concerned for his welfare.’
Dr Mainland scribbles something on his clipboard.
‘He took a few pills by mistake,’ says Da. ‘What’s the big deal?’
‘And what I want to know is why? He’s twelve years old. He can read. He must have known what was in the bottle was forbidden. I’m sure you told him at some stage during usage.’
‘I was suffering from anxiety,’ I croak.
‘Anxiety? You see, this is what I’m talking about. What does a twelve-year-old have to be anxious about and what does he know about the word anyway? It’s not right. These pills are your responsibility and they’re certainly not something I’d prescribe.’
‘I get them from Greenock,’ says Ma.
‘Greenock?’
‘My doctor is in Greenock,’ says Ma.
Dr Mainland is suspicious. ‘It’s a very strong drug and the dosage is high. May I ask why?’
Dr Mainland pauses at Ma’s red face.
Ma looks to Da, to Granny, to the doctor and finally to Paula Leighton. She sighs.
‘I was raped.’
Dr Mainland’s face changes colour and I’m glad.
‘Would you like Nurse Leighton to take your son into another room, Mrs Murray?’ he asks and in a voice very different from the one he had been using on us before.
‘Michael knows everything. He shouldn’t know but he does. He can stay.’ Ma gives me a gentle look as if she’s sorry for everything in the whole wide world. I want to tell her it’s OK. Telling is for the best. Dr Mainland looks uncomfortable. I want to snigger at him for trying to send me away like I’m some big baby when I know it all.
‘I was coming home from work. I took a short cut through the park and that’s where he attacked me. I was in hospital here. I was badly beaten. There are pictures in my medical file. I made everyone think my husband did it, but he didn’t. It was a dirty bastard crawling through the park looking for stupid women like me taking short cuts in the dark. I got the pills from a doctor in Greenock. They help me sleep.’
Da sits on a nearby chair as if he might faint or something. I am stuck on a gurney with Granny holding my hand.
The promise has been broken, but Ma is the one who broke it. The secret is out.
‘Does anyone else know?’ asks Dr Mainland and with a true gentleness in his voice.
Ma shakes her head.
‘Did this rape happen before or after Louisa McFadden’s attack?’ asks Paula.
‘Before, a long time before,’ says Ma.
‘Then why didn’t you come forward?’ snips Paula. She’s all frost now.
‘I was afraid,’ hushes Ma.
‘Afraid?’ says Paula. ‘We’ve all been afraid. Every woman on this island has been terrified to death.’
‘That will be enough, Nurse Leighton, you can leave now,’ says Dr Mainland.
Nurse Paula leaves and with a bit of drama on her heels. Da holds Ma’s hand.
Dr Mainland taps his pen on the clipboard. ‘You know you have to tell the police, Mrs Murray.’
Ma nods and for the first time since the attack she does not cry when talking about it. Her heart is strong. Her mind is able. She is ready to tell. It’s over, I think. My ma has told the truth and everyone will know my da is not a wife-beater and what happened to Mrs McFadden also happened to my ma, but I am also afraid because Ma should have told sooner than this. She should have warned people and she didn’t; now I don’t know what will happen.
THIRTY-SIX
MA AND DA come home late from the police station and miss their dinner. I am with Granny drinking hot chocolate in the kitchen because I have been in hospital and can do what I like.
Granny makes them something to eat straight away. Ma and Da tell her a special policeman from the mainland came over to talk to them. I can tell Ma and Da are very tired. No one even minds I am there and I am very quiet because I don’t want to remind them. It is a sad story they tell and I don’t know who to feel bad for the most because when Ma left the police station Mrs McFadden was waiting with Mr McFadden. They were being interviewed too about the rapist, but when Mrs McFadden sees my ma she walks right over to her and slaps her hard in the face.
‘She did not,’ screams Granny.
‘“We’ve all suffered here,” I told her,’ says Da.
‘“Fuck you, Brian,” McFadden says to me. “No one else would have suffered at all if your Rosemary had just told the truth. Women on this island would have known to keep themselves safe and my Louisa would never have been attacked. Shame on you, Rosemary Murray. Shame.”’
‘And who is he to talk of shame when he was living in sin with a pregnant woman?’ yells Granny.
‘Don’t, Shirley. It’s not the same,’ says Ma.
Ma sits down and reaches for the teapot. She pours Da a cup and then herself. Her hands are shaking. She offers the pot to Granny but Granny has had enough tea while she was waiting for them to come home and tell us the news. She pees a lot. Ma and Da both look like they have something to say but it’s Ma who says it.
‘They have him,’ says Ma.
‘Have who?�
�� says Granny.
‘The rapist. Who do you think?’ nips Da.
I am shocked to death.
‘Up in Glasgow. He’s killed two prostitutes already and left one barely alive. I’ve to go to Glasgow and identify him.’
‘And did the police tell anyone about the prostitutes? No they fucking didn’t!’ screams Granny.
‘It was in Glasgow, Shirley. No one knew he’d come here.’
Da rubs his face with his hands.
‘It’s the gold bracelet, you know. They kept going on about it. The weight of it. The feel of it. Then they brought out lots of other bracelets for me to look at.’
‘Did you see it, Rosemary?’ says Granny.
Ma nods her head. ‘I did. It had charms on it.’
The doorbell rings. It is Tricia Law on the doorstep. She knows everything on account of Nurse Paula Leighton being her first cousin and unable to keep her trap shut. Tricia grabs at Ma and hugs her like mad.
‘You should have told me,’ cries Tricia.
‘I couldn’t tell anyone,’ cries Ma.
Tricia stops hugging Ma and turns her attentions to Da.
‘Why didn’t you say something?’ nips Tricia. ‘I could have helped her.’
‘How?’ yells Da. He turns from Tricia and heads to the living room. He has no time for Tricia Law any more. I don’t blame him. Tricia breaks up families and fights with short skirts and black knickers at parties. Worse than that, she comes to your house and almost spits in your da’s eye.
‘I brought you some Juicy Fruit, Michael,’ says Tricia. I take the chewing gum but I don’t say thank you or give her a big smile like I used to. I follow my da and close the door behind me.
Granny makes her excuses and takes Frankie for a walk, which is a huge excuse for Granny because she never takes Frankie anywhere. I don’t even think she knows how, but Frankie won’t care. He’ll hurl himself in front of her and with her little legs Granny will have to catch up to him. I wish I was going just to watch but I’d rather sit with Da and chew my gum.
Tricia stays for a long time with Ma. She is probably another support to Ma and Ma needs a lot of support right now, even if it is from Tricia Law who Ma threw gin at the week before. Tricia and Ma are best friends whether we like it or not and so we say nothing and hide from their friendship. Da says women are funny when it comes to being friends.
‘They can fight and love and all in the same breath,’ says Da. ‘Always stay clear of women having a go at each other and NEVER get involved.’
Da says Ma might have to go to Glasgow High Court and give evidence and face the dirty rapist again. She will need her family and her friends around her, maybe Professor Friendly will come. Tricia will definitely come, but not me. I’ll be left in Rothesay with Granny. Tricia will go to the High Court and not care about Da or Granny not liking her.
‘She has a thick skin that one,’ says Granny.
When Tricia leaves the house she sticks her head around the living-room door and says goodbye to Da, who hates the bones of her, but Tricia will keep saying goodbye to Da until she dies because that is how Tricia is.
‘See you around, Michael,’ she says and gives me a wink, which means she will always have Juicy Fruit for me. I wink back because I want the Juicy Fruit.
‘It’s going to be tough, Michael, you know that, don’t you?’ says Da.
I nod.
‘People will say things about your ma and you have to turn the other cheek, you understand?’
‘I will, Da.’
‘You just ignore them, son,’ says Granny.
‘What about you, Ma?’ I ask.
‘I won’t mind them. None of us will.’
But that’s not what happened.
THIRTY-SEVEN
EVERYONE ON THE bus was noisy but then I got on and the place got quiet. I notice the driver snatch a look at me through the rear-view mirror.
‘Sit on your arse, boy,’ he says.
I realise then the driver is Suzanne Miller’s father and he looks ready to burst open at the sight of me.
It wasn’t me, I want to say to him. It wasn’t me who lied and kept secrets. It was my ma.
Walking up the aisle I see Paul on one side of the bus and he’s sitting next to Fat Ralph.
‘All right, Michael?’ says Fat Ralph.
‘Fine,’ I say to Fat Ralph.
Paul just nods at me and then looks through the window. I should bash his brains in for that, but he has lots of power today. Everyone on the bus has. They are all together and I am on my own. They have been told by their parents to stay away from the Murrays. We’ve done a terrible thing and everything about us is wrong. My ma kept a secret that got Mrs McFadden hurt and ruined. It is lucky Mrs McFadden is alive today, they say. No one cares the same is true of my ma, that she could also have been killed.
Nothing much is being said to me because I am still the toughest lad on the scheme and it seems to keep the bus silent.
Dirty Alice is at the back of the bus with Marianne, Tracey and Fiona. She looks at me like she could kill me, but there is another look in her face and it means something else.
I sit down and hope the bus stays quiet but I know someone is going to say something.
Da says every house on the scheme has been jabbering about my ma and there’s no point guessing or worrying about it. ‘It’s done,’ he says.
Maybe some people will feel bad for her, I think. Maybe some people will blame her. Maybe some people won’t care about it at all and won’t want to be involved, but on an island like this someone will be thinking something and when people are thinking they are also looking and it’s the looking that scares Ma the most. She says it speaks the loudest.
‘Your ma is a stupid bitch,’ says Dirty Alice.
Everyone looks up. A fight, they think, a grand old fight, but I will never fight Dirty Alice.
‘Shut your mouth, you filthy cow,’ I say.
‘I will not. Your ma didn’t tell the police what happened to her. If your ma had told them, what happened to my ma wouldn’t have happened at all.’
‘Your ma?’ I laugh, but I don’t mean to. I’m just trying to show how strong I am and that Dirty Alice is just stupid.
‘Leave it alone, Alice,’ says Luke, who is reading a book two seats up. I didn’t even see him at first, but when he sees me, he looks away like Paul did and stares out of the window as if I don’t exist.
‘That’s right, my ma,’ says Dirty Alice and she’s daring me to say otherwise but I don’t. I just want to sit back down again and look out of the window like Luke and Paul. I want to forget this whole thing.
‘Why don’t you just shut up? You don’t know anything about anything,’ I say and I turn my back to her and sit on my seat.
‘Make me,’ she says.
I can’t believe it; Dirty Alice wants to fight me now and on a bus driven by Suzanne Miller’s da who hates me too.
Suzanne Miller’s da should stop the bus. It’s not like he didn’t hear a girl wants to fight the toughest boy on the scheme, but he doesn’t care because maybe he wants a fight and hopes the whole bus will jump on top of me. I worry they might.
Dirty Alice sits behind me then. She smells of Bazooka Joe bubblegum. I turn to her with a face on me. I need to pretend I hate her and don’t want her anywhere near me. Her skin is still brown from her holiday. Her hair is shiny and her skin looks soft. I hope she will change her mind about being nasty to me and be nice like she was before. I hope she remembers the Valentine’s card she sent, but she doesn’t. She grabs at my hair and slaps me across the face like Mrs McFadden slapped my ma. I don’t hit her back because she is a girl and because she is Dirty Alice. She jumps on top of me then and punches me until my nose bleeds. The blood makes me afraid and angry. I want to reach for her long hair and pound her head off my fist. I want to pull her from the seat and kick her up and down the aisle, but I don’t. I let the blood melt. I let the tears boil and fall down my face. I look straight into h
er eyes, my face red and bruised. I see the hurt in her then, I see the Valentine’s card, but she won’t cry, not Dirty Alice. She doesn’t like me any more and we are back to how it was before. Hate.
‘Fucking pussy,’ she says loudly and returns to the back of the bus with a victorious smile on her face. The girls yell, ‘Championnnn, championnnn!’
I cry then. I cry for the blood. I cry because I am alone. I cry because I am no longer the toughest lad on the scheme and because a girl called Alice McFadden kicked the arse out of me. I will never be tough again.
THIRTY-EIGHT
MA GOES TO Glasgow to identify the rapist with Da. Tricia Law also comes and drives Da mad with her gabbing. Mrs McFadden won’t go. She is afraid to admit she made a mistake about Patrick Thompson, who has left the island and can’t come back any more.
Da tells Granny in the kitchen Ma was brave and faced the pervert head-on and not behind a sheet of glass, but Ma couldn’t make her mind up between two men, both of them with red hair. She chose the one who smelled of smoke. It was the right choice and the same one Suzanne Miller made, although they don’t exactly hug about it on the boat home. Da tells us everything while Ma stirs her tea and hardly says a thing. It was a big day for her but Suzanne Miller was mad at her and told her so in front of the whole ferry.
‘“He could have raped me,” she said, and with everyone watching us, Ma,’ says Da. ‘But then Tricia reminds the stupid girl that he didn’t rape her.’
‘No, he didn’t,’ says Granny. ‘And she should count her lucky stars, little bitch.’
‘Don’t, Shirley,’ says Ma.
‘“But he terrified the life out of me,” she says. “I still can’t go out on my own,” she tells us, and I swear, Ma, the dirty looks they were giving us on that boat.’
‘Can you blame them?’ says Ma.
‘And how do they think it was for you, Rosemary?’ says Da, who is getting very worked up about it all.
‘And what about the prostitute?’ asks Granny. ‘What’s she saying?’
Closed Doors Page 15
