After dinner, we both decide to watch another movie since it’s still fairly early, there’s not much else to do around here when it’s dark. We sit back on the sofa, both at different ends after Dean pops a movie in. I feel like we’re sitting too far away, but I don’t want to presume he wants to be closer to me and make a fool of myself.
The rain starts to pour heavily outside, and I mean, really pour, hitting the roof hard and loud. It echoes around the cabin, making the place feel like one of those spas that play raindrops in the background. It’s actually relaxing. At the first sound of the thunder, I shiver, and Dean looks over at me, grinning like an idiot. I’ve always hated thunder and lightning, but it’s the lightning that scares me the most. It’s only a matter of seconds before the area outside the cabin lights up, the sky bright.
I hate not knowing where the shot of electricity comes from or where it will land, singeing whatever it touches to a crisp. I suppose I could Google it, to help ease my mind, but sometimes, as sad as it is, it’s better not knowing. When the lightning flashes, making the whole room light up, I don’t think, jumping out of my seat and into Dean’s lap, ignoring his amused expression. His body shakes and I realise too late that the little shit is laughing at me.
“Hey,” I snap. “This isn’t funny. I hate lightning,” I remind him, narrowing his eyes.
“Lola, it’s outside, not inside. Come on.” He chuckles, holding his arm open for me after grabbing the fleece blanket from off the back of the sofa. I shuffle off his lap, snuggling into his open arm. I sigh when his arm wraps around my waist, and he covers us both with the blanket with his other hand.
We agreed over dinner to watch the new GI Joe film. Obviously, my reasons were because of the gorgeous Channing Tatum and Dwayne Johnson, but his reasons were boring. He only wanted to watch it for the action and fighting.
I snuggle deeply against Dean, jumping every now and then from the storm. It hasn’t shown any signs of slowing down, which isn’t helping my anxiety. But with Dean’s arm wrapped protectively around me, it doesn’t seem so bad.
Not long into the film, Channing Tatum dies, much to my disappointment. Seriously? Why tease us with that gorgeous man and then take him away before we even get to see him in any real action? I’m actually enjoying myself watching the film, so I don’t sulk about losing him for too long. I hate watching violence, but thankfully this isn’t really violence, more like a martial arts kind of thing.
Lightning strikes once again, lighting up the whole damn cabin. I scream and jump in Dean’s lap, moving closer to him. I wiggle my backside in his lap, wanting to get more comfortable, but I still, and gasp at the feel of Dean’s erection. I’m more surprised by my own reaction, my arousal evident in my expression and body language.
Placing a firm grip on my waist, he leans forward, his breath blowing against my ear and sending delicious shivers down my spine.
“Lola, please, for the love of God, stop pressing that sweet ass of yours against my dick. I feel like I’m going to explode in my pants like a teenager if you move again,” he rasps, and a breathy sound escapes me. Knowing I’m the reason he has an erection turns me on more than I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t stop the moan that escapes me as I move again, his erection pressing into my ass.
“Lola, you’re killing me. I really want to turn you around and fuck you until you’re screaming my name and coming all over my dick. I can’t though. I won’t take advantage of you like that. Even if it hurts this fucking badly.” His words hold promise, and a shiver of anticipation runs through me. “I want you. More than you’ll ever know. I don’t want you to think I don’t. Okay?” he rasps, stilling my movements with his strong hands. I hadn’t even realised I was still moving.
He wants me. He really does want me.
No! my brain screams. He doesn’t. You heard him. He wants to fuck you, not marry you and have his babies.
I shake my head, not knowing what to think. I know he’ll never hurt me, not emotionally nor physically.
It’s Dean, I’ve had a huge crush on him since we were children, one that clearly hasn’t gone away.
But a small voice in the back of my mind is telling me to go for this, to take what I need and want. There’s nothing stopping me, and I really do want him. All of this may be new to me, as well as the sensations running through my body, but I know I can trust him.
With that last thought, I turn around so my front is pressed against his chest, my legs straddling his thighs so my sex is directly above his erection.
Pressing my weight down, a deep moan escapes both our mouths. When I look up into his eyes, I find him watching me, his pupils dilated and darker, and a small gasp escapes past my lips.
“Yeah, okay,” I answer, my voice wavering as I speak. Finding my confidence, I move a little closer. My eyes flicker from his deep blue eyes to his soft, full, plump lips.
He draws closer, and I don’t think he means to. Our lips are now a breath away, and my chest rises and falls heavily, rubbing against his. My sex burns and aches from the friction and I want more.
“Lola,” he rasps, sounding breathless. “Can I… can I kiss you? Please say it’s okay to kiss you,” he growls, his eyes searching mine for an answer.
Without thought, I press down harder on his erection, both of us moaning when my core rubs against his heat.
“Okay,” I whisper, nerves pooling in the pit of my stomach. I manage to get the word out before he moves, his lips crashing against mine as he pulls me closer.
The kiss is hard, demanding, yet he still manages such softness and care. Every fibre in my body is on fire from his assault.
His hands move down to my back, pressing me even closer than before. I moan as he slides his tongue into my mouth, massaging it against mine, giving me my first taste. He’s driving me crazy with his kiss and touch. I’ve never felt so powerful or sexy, or found a kiss so seductive before.
I move my hands into his hair, one at the nape of his neck and pull it softly as the kiss becomes more heated.
I’ve never been kissed like this. Yikes, I never knew a kiss could feel like this. I feel like I’m on the biggest high of my life and it’s all because of him. My hips start moving of their own volition, rocking faster as I rub my sex along his erection, chasing a sensation I’ve never felt before. It’s like my body is gearing up for something big, something explosive, and with each tightening of my core, I know I’m one step closer.
The friction of our bodies rubbing together is exotic and naughty, but oh so good. I can’t get enough of him, and when Dean slides forward and lies back on the sofa, I nearly scream with the amount of pleasure coursing through my body. His sudden change in position gives me better access, and I can feel every delicious inch of him. Every. Delicious. Inch.
The unexpected urgency to move quicker, to find more friction, is a shock to my system, but instead of thinking about it, I let go.
A hidden part of me, deep in my subconscious, is waiting for the pain. I’ve only ever been able to associate sex with pain, and what I’m feeling right now is anything but painful.
Dean runs his hand under my top, moving to cup my breast. I gasp when he squeezes my nipple, tugging at the sensitive bud, and a new kind of fire burns through my body. Everything in my lower body tightens, a million volts of pleasurable electricity shooting off in every direction, making it hard for me to pinpoint exactly where I’m feeling it from. It seems to spread across my body and my back arches as a scream tears from my mouth, wave after wave of pleasure coursing through me.
When everything becomes less fuzzy, I realise the significance of what just happened.
I just had my first orgasm.
Holy shitballs.
I lay limp in Dean’s arms, willing my erratic breathing to slow down. It doesn’t, of course. My body is too hyper aware of Dean beneath me, my body seeking out more of the pleasure only he can bring me.
What do I say to him? ‘Thank you’ doesn’t really seem appropriate
or adequate for what we just did.
My face starts burning, a blush surely spreading up my neck to my cheeks as I think of how he touched me and how I went wild on his lap.
Rick’s taunts are like a slap in the face, the cruel words ringing in my ear. “You’re disgusting, Lola.” “No one will ever want you. It’s bad enough I have to force myself to finish.” “You’re nothing.” “You’re worthless.”
“Wow!” Dean whispers and I glance down at him, my eyes watering when I see that his eyes are pinched shut, his jaw clenched.
Oh no! He must be mortified. No! No, no, no, no! I’m never going to be able to live this down. I can’t believe I just had my first orgasm after practically attacking him and humping him like a dog does a tree.
God, what he must think of me.
I shoot out of his lap so quickly I’m surprised I don’t fall flat on my face. Dean’s eyes fly open in shock, but before he can open his mouth, I move, running up the stairs in shame.
Locking myself in the bathroom, tears fill my eyes. Then slowly, one by one, they fall, coming faster by the second.
Dean’s footsteps are rushed as I hear him climb the stairs. I rush over to the shower and turn the water on, hoping to drown out his voice. I don’t waste any time standing around, stepping into the shower fully clothed, needing to wash away the shame.
He knocks on the door a few times, but I ignore him. He pleads with me to open the door, his voice soft like he’s talking to a child.
The shame of what I’ve just done weighs down on me. It’s the only thing keeping me in the shower instead of obeying Dean’s orders.
I still can’t believe that I got off by rubbing myself on him.
Shaking my head, I try to push thoughts of him aside, focusing my attention on my present predicament. Wet clothes cling to me, so I start to peel them off, grateful the water was quick to heat up because my teeth were beginning to chatter.
Having the hot steamy water hitting my aching body makes me almost enjoy it, but thoughts of what awaits me on the other side of the door plagues me. I can’t help but wonder what will happen now. Will he still want to talk to me, or will he be too disgusted with me? Even if by chance he’s not, I still can’t picture someone as handsome as Dean wanting to be with someone like me. I’m damaged goods, after all.
He kissed you back.
But God, the way he made my skin burn, the way he touched me, it was… it was powerful, intense. I can still feel his touch everywhere, even in places he didn’t touch.
I don’t need to know a lot about sex to know that Dean didn’t enjoy it, not like I did. I made a complete and utter fool out of myself. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt or that washing his touch away from my skin or his taste out of my mouth doesn’t bother me. My heart aches, a strange pull inside my chest causing me to rub at the pain.
Knowing I must leave the shower at some point, I step out. Wrapping a towel around me, I grab the robe for extra coverage, all my clothes on the other side of the door. Where Dean is.
Taking a deep breath, I open the door, embarrassed to be stepping out practically naked. He’ll most likely think I’m going to jump him again. The whole situation is mortifying.
Dean is lying on the bed with his ankles crossed, his hands relaxed behind his head with his eyes closed. I must have been in the shower longer than I thought because he seems to be asleep. I sigh, feeling grateful because I don’t want to have this talk with him right now―or in the near future. I know deep down that he’ll want to talk about it, but if I can avoid it, I will. He probably wants to set some boundaries and ground rules.
His eyes snap open when I take another step into the room. He jumps up to his knees at the end of the bed and kneels in front of me. My hands are sweating, knowing what’s about to come. I don’t think I’m ready to hear him reject me, yet for some reason I stay standing in front of him, frozen. A cold shiver runs down my spine, so I grab at the belt attached to my robe and pull it tighter around my waist.
“Lola, what happened downstairs was entirely my fault. I started that, and I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have abused your trust the way I did. I’m so fucking sorry,” he says hoarsely, his eyes filled with pain.
I shake my head at his words, wondering why the hell he’s blaming himself when it was me who did this. I have to look away before I break down. The shame inside me is overwhelming. I know he only said what he did because he feels obligated to. He just feels sorry for me, and I think that hurts more.
“Dean, it’s fine. It’s not your fault. I don’t know what came over me downstairs, but I’m so sorry for pouncing on you. I shouldn’t have done that. You’ve been nothing but great and supportive towards me, and then I went and read more into it like an idiot. You didn’t need me embarrassing you like that, forcing myself on you―’’
My words are cut off when he rises from the bed. At first, I think he’s going to leave and my heart clenches. Instead, he walks over to stand in front of me. He’s so close that I can feel the heat radiating off his chest and my breath hitches. My eyes water as I stand there, scared sick over what he’s going to say.
“No, Lola. That’s where you’re wrong. What happened… fuck! It was… it was perfect. I’ve never felt a connection like that with anyone before. I’ve never been so turned on in my life, not even as a teenager.”
My heart pounds inside my chest as he takes another step, coming closer and running his fingers through the wet strands of my hair.
“What happened between us was the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t even think you realise just how long I’ve wanted this, wanted you. I don’t think I’ve ever been so bent out of shape over a woman before. Then again, I never really got over losing you. So please don’t regret what happened between us. Don’t turn something beautiful into something twisted and seedy. If anyone should feel bad, it should be me. I’m the one who betrayed your trust, and I’m sorry for that,” he says sincerely, his eyes dilating.
My eyes water at his admission, feeling so many emotions swirling in the pit of my stomach. All of it is beginning to overwhelm me.
“I just had my first orgasm, straddling you, humping you like a dog,” I say, embarrassed. “I don’t have any experience when it comes to sex, not really, but what happened downstairs has never happened to me before. You didn't betray anything. I just feel like such a fool.” I sigh, tilting my head back to get a better look at him.
“You deserve someone so much better than me, someone who isn’t broken and has more baggage than an airport. I pushed myself onto you, not giving you a choice. I guess it just made me realise that Rick has been right all along.” Admitting what’s actually nagging at me is hard, and I have to ignore his confused expression and the way his jaw tenses when I say his name to keep going. “I really am a disgusting whore,” I whisper, tears rushing from my eyes.
“What?” Dean snaps, eyes blazing so wildly I take a step back. “You are not a fucking whore! What happened downstairs was between two consenting adults. You haven’t slept with a bunch of random guys, and you certainly don’t go through them like you change your underwear. I can see what happened between us has your emotions all over the place and I can understand that, especially after everything that jerk has done to you, but don’t ever believe a word of what he’s told you. I love the way you trusted me down there. You trusted me enough to let go, to share that moment with me, so don’t let him taint that because I wouldn’t change what we did for the world,” he says, fiercely.
I stare in awe, my heart melting at his words. His emotions are clear to see and even though he’s angry right now, I know it’s not aimed at me. He’s angry at Rick and what he did.
God, the way he looks at me, the way his voice softens when he speaks to me, shows me just how much he cares for me. And I love him for that. I love that I can trust him with my life and know he’ll never physically hurt me.
“It’s not just that. It’s… it's also the fact I just got out of a rel
ationship, an abusive one at that. To rush into something else so soon feels shameful. I was out of control down there, and I can’t handle you thinking badly of me. Because… like I said, I’ve just broken it off with Rick.”
Dean pulls me closer. “You and that prick were finished the first day he laid his hands on you, Lola. He has nothing to do with us. He didn’t deserve you. He had the whole world in his hands, and he mistreated you in the biggest way. Wherever this is going between us, we’ll be in it together. He doesn’t exist for you anymore. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, sort of. You’re right. We did break up long before now. It’s just hard to get my head around it all. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. But you should know that whenever I’m around you, that life, that nightmare, it all fades into the background. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, not with anyone. You make me crazy… crazy for you.”
He groans, pressing our foreheads together and running his nose along mine before cupping my cheeks in his warm hands. He pulls back a breath, locking our gazes.
“You have no idea what you do to me,” he says huskily. “Even when we were kids I admired you. I loved how you always made me laugh, helped get me out of trouble a time or two, and even took the blame for me on occasion. But it was more than that. It was who you were, how easy we fitted together. You were the best part of my childhood, Lola and now I want more. I want a future with you. Since you came back, I feel like I’m whole again, and that’s because of you,” he admits, kissing the tip of my nose.
A shudder rolls through me. That’s exactly how I feel. God, the whole conversation feels surreal, like I’m going to wake up any moment to find out that this was all a dream. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I don’t want this―whatever this is―to end. I’ve missed him too much.
If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1) Page 11
