She opened the door.
‘Hello, Carrie.’
When she had imagined this meeting - and she had imagined it many times since they had received word via Mrs Browell that Alec had survived the war - Carrie had never dreamed she’d be lost for words. She had changed her hypothetical response many times as she tried to predict what Alec might say, but she had never considered she would be incapable of speech.
She had thought it was the thick window glass which had changed his face a little but she saw now he really was as thin as he’d appeared a few seconds before. There were deep lines carved in his face which had not been there four years earlier, and his countenance had taken on a rugged quality. He was still as handsome as ever but in a different way, and he looked bigger, although terribly gaunt, and every day of his forty years.
‘May I come in?’
Still unable to talk, Carrie swallowed before standing aside and gesturing with her hand for Alec to come in.
In the hall he turned and waited for her to shut the door. She was more beautiful than he remembered. Alec’s heart was thumping so hard he wanted to put a hand to his chest but he restrained himself. How many times had he pictured her in his mind the last four years? Hundreds, thousands. He had hugged the image to him every day he had been in solitary confinement, unable to stand upright or move about in the container and wondering if each day would be his last. Carrie had stood for home, for everything wholesome and beautiful and good in a world gone mad. What would she say if he told her that? But of course he never could, he had forfeited the right to do so twenty years ago. She was David’s. He had lost the chance of true happiness, first through blind lust, and then because he had been too stupid to see her worth. He was a fool. He had always been a fool.
It was with some effort that Carrie said evenly, ‘David is in the kitchen if you would like to go through.’
‘Thank you.’
She expected him to walk ahead of her, but when he didn’t move she passed him. He was aware that she was careful that no part of her body came into contact with his.
When Carrie opened the kitchen door, David was awake and sitting up, probably woken by the doorbell, his stiff leg stretched out in front of him. Both babies were still fast asleep in his arms.
There was a moment when his eyes met hers, and then his gaze went to the man behind her. David stared at his brother and Alec stared back, his face impassive, but whatever reaction Alec was expecting, it clearly wasn’t the one that followed.
‘Hello, Alec,’ David said quietly. ‘We’ve been expecting you.’
‘I . . . I felt I needed to come.’ Alec was speaking in a formal manner and had made no move to step over the threshold into the kitchen.
Carrie had gone to stand behind David’s chair, one hand resting on her husband’s shoulder, the other gripping the hard back of the rocking chair. She felt slightly sick, mainly because this new Alec was an unknown quantity. David inclined his head, and he did not smile when he said, ‘You will have to excuse me not standing up but as you can see, my hands are full.’
Alec allowed his gaze to fall on the sleeping babies, and no one would have guessed from his expression that the sight of them pained him. ‘I heard about the twins. They’re bonny.’
‘Aye, they are.’ David paused, then said, ‘Come in, Alec. Carrie was just about to make a brew and what we’ve got to say to each other will be better over a cup of tea.’
Carrie turned away towards the range without speaking. She didn’t want Alec sitting in her kitchen drinking tea with them. But the sight of him had shocked her, his gauntness proclaiming its own story, so she put the kettle on the hob then turned and looked at the two men.
Alec pulled a chair from under the table and seated himself.
‘When did you get back?’ David asked.
‘Yesterday.’ Although the impassivity was back, Alec was twisting his hands which were hanging between his legs, and he must have become aware of this because he suddenly stopped and thrust them into his pockets.
Now David asked the same question Matthew had done. ‘Was it very bad?’
And Alec replied in much the same fashion as he had before. ‘It was no picnic.’
He had changed. How he had changed. In fact he didn’t seem like the same man. Carrie was feeling more and more disturbed as the seconds ticked on. The brashness, the swashbuckling cockiness, everything that had made him Alec seemed to have gone, and in its place was - what? Carrie found she couldn’t put a name to it.
Alec raised his eyes to Carrie’s white face. ‘I want to say at the outset that I asked Matthew to come with me tonight,’ he said flatly, ‘but he refused even though I made it clear I felt he should. I told him if anyone has been wronged in all of this, it certainly isn’t him, it’s you.’
Carrie did not contradict him. Part of her mind was saying, don’t trust him. He’s a master of manipulation. Look at how he wheedled his way in with David all those years ago just to get near to Matthew.
‘I would agree with that.’ David’s voice was still quiet. ‘And there’s something I’d like to say at the outset. If Carrie had told me the night of Walter’s wedding just who it was who had attacked her, I’d have killed you and been happy to take the consequences. And if it wasn’t for the war and what you’ve been through, I still might have done it. As it is, us fighting would only damage any reconciliation between Carrie and Matthew.’
Carrie noticed David did not include himself in the equation and it saddened her. To a certain extent, he had shared her pain and grief over Matthew’s leaving but there had also been an element of relief, though she knew he would never give voice to it. David and Matthew had never really got on. All excuses aside - and she had told herself plenty through the years - the relationship between her husband and his brother’s son was the same as the relationship between David and Alec. Chalk and cheese.
Her gaze moved from David to Alec. She spoke rapidly. ‘Have you told Matthew the circumstances which led to him being born, because he flatly refused to hear it from either of us when we tried.’
‘Aye, I have.’
She didn’t believe him and her face spoke for her.
Alec sighed, raking his hand through his hair which was now so grey. ‘Believe me, Carrie,’ he said very softly, ‘I have. He accepts I wronged you but . . .’
‘But what?’ she asked tightly when he paused.
‘He is more my son than yours.’ When she would have protested he raised his hand. ‘What I mean by that is he’s looking at all of this purely in terms of how it affects him, without considering anyone else. He’s selfish, like I was at his age. Like I was until the last few years, in fact. I just hope it doesn’t take a war to wake him up to the fact that the world doesn’t start and finish with him. That said . . .’ His eyes dropped from hers now. ‘I can’t pretend I’m sorry the truth is out at last. I knew he was mine, I felt it in my bones. He is my son and I need him.’
‘So do I.’
‘You have another son, a daughter too.’ The green eyes were looking straight into hers again and she saw they were moist, which took her aback. ‘Not to mention David. You could go on to have more bairns. As for me, Matthew is the only child I will ever have.’
‘How do you know that? You’re free now, and wealthy. You’ll meet someone--’
‘No, I will not.’
A long, steady breath escaped David, and Carrie turned to look at him.
‘What are your plans?’ he asked.
Why was he asking Alec what his plans were? She wanted her son back, couldn’t he see that? Didn’t he care? Couldn’t David, of all people, understand that she could go on to have ten, twenty, fifty bairns but she would still grieve for Matthew if they weren’t reconciled? But they must be, they must.
David was aware of Carrie’s stiffly held body and hurt eyes, but for the first time in his life he felt he really understood his brother. Alec loved her. It was there in his rigid control, in his eyes, in his voice
, and this was Alec the man, not Alec the spoiled lad.
But Carrie was his. David glanced at her. He knew that now. And with the knowledge came pity for his brother.
‘I’m taking him into the business as a partner.’
‘That’s unfair.’ Carrie spoke hotly now, her eyes burning. ‘You’re buying him, you’ve always tried to buy him.’
‘He hates the pit, Carrie. No, he doesn’t just hate it. It terrifies him, scares him senseless. For four years he has suffered the torment of the damned, and if I can take him out of it I will and damn what you or anyone else thinks.’ And then Alec grimaced. He reached into his jacket pocket and said, ‘Could . . . could I have a glass of water?’
‘You’re ill,’ said David as his brother pulled a small pill container out of his pocket. Carrie filled a glass and handed it to Alec who took a pill and gulped at the water. His face had lost all colour and it was a few moments before he spoke.
‘It’s nothing, it’ll pass.’
Was this a trick? Carrie would have liked to think so but in all honesty she couldn’t. Alec was ill, ill and broken. She stared at him, and when a vestige of colour returned, she said, ‘What’s wrong?’
Alec shrugged. ‘A number of things. They’ll ease in time.’
They said nothing more as Carrie mashed the tea and then poured each of them a cup. She placed the sugar bowl in front of Alec.
‘He will come round in time,’ Alec said. ‘I’ll make sure of it. Just . . . just give him a bit of breathing space for a while.’
‘A while? You mean you don’t want me to see him.’ Carrie stopped and covered her eyes with her hand, and when she heard David stand up she turned blindly into him, taking one of the twins while he continued to hold the other. ‘He hates me, doesn’t he?’ she said into David’s chest.
‘Of course he doesn’t hate you.’ Alec cleared his throat. ‘It’s just that he’s resentful and confused and needs sense talking into him.’
‘Then why won’t he let me talk to him and explain how things happened and why I did what I did?’ There was silence for a moment, and then Carrie made herself face Alec. ‘Will he be living with you?’ And when Alec nodded, she added, ‘And your mother?’ Fat chance of any reason coming to the fore while Olive was whispering in Matthew’s ear.
‘No, not my mother. She’s . . . gone elsewhere.’
‘Oh?’ This was from David.
‘I’ve put her in one of the terraced houses I own in town.’
‘I bet she’s as pleased as Punch about that.’
Alec raised wry eyebrows but made no comment on this. ‘A few months and Matthew will be looking at all this differently. A new job and a different kind of life will work wonders, you see if it doesn’t.’
When David gently agreed with his brother, Carrie almost rounded on the pair of them and spoke her mind. But she bit back the words. They wouldn’t understand. She felt as though Matthew had gone from her for good and right at this moment it was more than she could bear. At least before Alec had come here tonight her hate for him had sustained her in her worst moments of missing Matthew. She had found hate was very akin to love in its strength. But now she had seen Alec again, that support had been knocked away. This was not the same man who had left for the war. Even then, although Alec had been frightened out of his wits, there had been an arrogance that had reminded her of his indifference in the days and weeks after he had raped her. Now nothing of that remained.
As though to emphasise this, Alec said, ‘Carrie, I’m truly sorry. Please believe me.’
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask whether he was sorry about raping her or about Matthew rejecting her, but as she looked into the world-weary face she said nothing. She did not know it but she was experiencing a feeling similar to David’s, its main ingredient being pity.
But this was still Alec, change or no change. With this in mind she merely nodded tightly as she struggled to take control of her racing emotions.
She would think about all this later when David was asleep and there would be no one to see if she wept. For the moment she had to be strong. And if what she had begun to suspect this last week or two was true, she would need to be even more determined not to give in to her fears that Matthew would never talk to her again. Everyone knew that weepy mothers produced weepy babies. But she did so hope it was just the one this time.
Chapter Twenty-six
Over the next months many changes took place in Carrie’s life. Just six weeks before her next confinement was due, she and David invested all their savings in a property across the river in Holmeside.
The three-storey property, which consisted of shop premises on the ground floor and family accommodation on the upper two, needed extensive refurbishment due to war damage. Although this meant they acquired it at a reasonable price, they nevertheless had to take out a hefty mortgage. It took a little effort on Carrie’s part to persuade David to take the plunge. His motto had always been ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be’, but she finally convinced him that a mortgage was quite unlike being in debt, more a way to advance their future and that of their children.
Continuing shortages meant that the basic food ration had not changed with the end of the war, but the government recognised the importance of nutrition in pregnancy and expectant mothers were entitled to an extra pint of milk a day, extra fresh eggs and a packet of dried egg every eight weeks. They also received an extra half meat ration and had first claim on bananas and oranges when they were available.
Some of this made Carrie feel rather uncomfortable, especially when she was pushed to the front of the queue if there were oranges in the shops. The extra nutriment must have paid off, however, because when Edward Walter Sutton made his way into the world, he weighed in at a hefty ten and a half pounds. When David came into the hospital room to see his new son, after several hours of pacing the hospital corridors and smoking his way through a packet of Woodbines despite the fact he didn’t smoke, Carrie informed him in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see another orange in her life.
They finished renovating the property and moved into their new home exactly four months after Edward was born. David did most of the work himself and took great satisfaction from it, while Carrie wielded a paintbrush with gusto and proved herself to be a dab hand with finishing touches.
By the end of the year they knew the business was going to succeed and prosper. Every time Carrie tucked the children into bed at night, she thanked God that her two youngest sons would never know what it was to work miles beneath the earth. They had a family business now and she was determined it would go from strength to strength. And she never ceased to ask the Almighty to soften Matthew’s heart towards her. Although Alec kept them informed via Lillian of all he and Matthew were doing, the boy still refused to relent and come and see his new siblings and herself, not even at Christmas or on New Year’s Eve.
At the end of January the temperature all over Britain plummeted. Snow fell continuously, accompanied by vicious gale-force winds from the east. Twenty-foot drifts transformed the landscape, turning the country into a huge, white maze. The River Thames froze over, coal boats were icebound in north-eastern ports and snow closed roads and railways as effectively as if they had been bombed.
Where the armies of Hitler had failed, the forces of winter succeeded, bringing the country to its knees. Three hundred major roads became impassable, cutting off England from Scotland and the north from the south. The RAF dropped food supplies to the shivering and starving inhabitants of isolated communities, and in Sunderland the streets were plunged into darkness as electricity failed. The young and fit raided the nearest coke tip or walked out of the town into the countryside where they foraged for logs in the frozen woodland.
With electricity to households turned off between 9 a.m. and midday, and again from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., Carrie’s main concern was keeping her three children, especially little Edward, warm and comfortable. They all moved into the sitting room of the
flat above the shop to live, eat and sleep, in an effort to keep that one room warm. Although the three bedrooms, like the sitting room, all had open fires, there just wasn’t enough coal to go round. Timber of all kinds, from old furniture and pallets to disused railway sleepers, became highly sought after as fuel. Water had to be collected from a tap in the road, and sometimes Carrie queued for more than half an hour for two bucketfuls.
At long last, on the ides of March, the thaw began. But the ice and snow melted into torrents, rivers overflowed and flooded homes. A great storm in the middle of March spread the floodwaters far and wide, and although the property in Holmeside was not affected, Carrie heard through Lillian that Alec and Matthew had had to move out of the house in Hendon for a short period.
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