She’s not even dressed for the kind of weather we’re having, and her body is an icicle against mine. But I let her absorb my warmth and cry it out, because it’s the best thing I can do for her.
I brush my fingers through her hair. “I can’t believe you drove all the way to Clinton. Especially after what happened. Wasn’t there a storm up there a couple days ago?”
I frown into her hair, thinking of all the things that could have happened to her. When the storm passed, it left a good three feet of snow and layers of ice. Her driving in that on top of everything else was dangerous.
I pull away enough to look at her. “What happened, Kasey? Everything seemed to be okay when we talked. You were going to find out about Taylor. You said you didn’t have her.”
She hiccups. “Dad has her. He got her, Ian. I don’t have anyone, because she’s gone, and Jake is gone, and Mom is in jail.” She wipes her sleeves across her wet face. “I don’t care about Mom being there. I just care about Taylor and Jake. And Taylor is in a good home, with toys, and new clothes, and a new start. But Jake … he’s never coming back. He’s never going to criticize me for what I read, or tell me corny jokes that aren’t even funny. He’ll never love anybody, or get married, or have a family.”
Her voice breaks.
I wipe tears off her face.
“I’m so sorry, Kasey. I wish I could make it better for you, but I can’t.”
She leans against my shoulder.
“I made a promise to my dad,” she admits into my shoulder. “I told him that I would do something for myself. Something that made me happy.”
She pulls away, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I would have come here sooner, but it all happened so soon. One minute Jake told me he wanted me to be happy, then he’s driving off like it’s just another day at work. Then Dad told me he was taking away my sister so I could live my life, and I’m making promises to somebody that I just wanted to hate for the sake of hating, because it was easier to not let people in.
“But now … now it’s different. Because Jake’s in a coffin, and he’ll never be happy. And Taylor is so happy with our Dad, it almost hurts. I see where she lives, and what she has, and I know that I never would have been able to get her any of that. And Rose …” She shakes her head again. “Rose is all alone. She has no son. She has no husband. She took time off work, because he’s gone. She’s alone and I left, but I can’t be there right now, Ian. Because nothing there makes me happy.”
“Hey,” I murmur softly, brushing fallen hair from her face. “Are you saying that you came here to be happy?”
She hiccups again, then takes in a deep breath.
“You said to tell you when I was ready. To say the word, and you would be there.”
I nod, because I remember saying that like it was yesterday. I’ve lived off those words, waiting for a call. A text. Hell, a telegram for all I cared.
Instead, I got the girl right in front of me.
“Ian,” she breathes shakily, “I’m saying when.”
I pull her into me again and kiss the side of her head. “Come on, Kay. Let’s get you out of here. You need to wash up and get some rest.”
I look at Marty. “Thank you.”
He nods. “Her car can stay in the lot. It won’t be bothered there.”
“Do you have your keys?” I ask her.
She mumbles and answer, jiggling her key ring at me.
I guide her outside and to my car, helping her into the passenger seat.
“We’re going to figure this out, okay?”
She nods, staring at the dirty floor of my car.
I tilt her head up so she meets my eyes. “I’m glad you made that promise, and I’m glad that you said when.”
Leaning in, I kiss her cheek before closing the door and getting into the drivers side.
She falls asleep on the short drive back to my parents’ house. When I carry her inside, my mom is staring wide-eyed at Kasey’s sleeping form.
“I’ll explain in the morning,” I whisper as I pass her by the stairs. She just nods and goes back to bed.
Laying Kasey in my bed, watching her sleep like the dead, is something I never thought I’d see. I unzip the black jacket she wears and peel it off her. Then take off her winter boots. Pulling the blankets over her T-shirt and jeans, I murmur a goodnight, before slipping in beside her and falling asleep absorbed in her warmth.
KASEY
When I stir awake, my eyes open to an unfamiliar room. My body is wrapped in a black blanket that I’ve never seen before, with beige walls that I’ve never seen before, and the smell of bacon that obviously isn’t something I’m used to since I’m too poor to buy it.
Then I remember everything.
Where I am. Why I’m here.
The pain resurfaces like a sucker punch to my stomach, and the smell of bacon suddenly makes me feel queasy. I sit up, and my tangled hair falls over my face, which still feels swollen from the amount of crying I’ve been doing for the past week. I don’t know how I manage to find more tears, but every day it never fails.
I look around Ian’s room and take in the blank walls. I can tell where posters used to be, based on the faded areas in shape of large rectangles. There’s one single picture of his family resting on a messy desk, and clothes folded on top of his dresser. In the corner of the room are luggage bags piled on top of each other, like be hasn’t unpacked yet from tour.
I draw my knees to my chest and rest my chin on top of them.
On the pillow next to me lays a note with scribbles on it.
Come downstairs for breakfast when you're ready.
I put the note back down and glance at the clock. It’s almost ten in the morning, which is the latest I’ve slept in a while. Yet exhaustion is still settled in my bones. They’re numb, weighing me down, useless.
Maybe it’s not exhaustion. Maybe it’s just the feeling of reality piling on me, like the world is resting on my shoulders.
Not the world.
Memories.
My phone is on the night stand next to me, plugged in the charger. There are over twenty texts unread. Eight missed calls. Three new voicemails.
I gather enough energy to see who they’re from, but who I want to see on the screen isn’t possible.
Because Jake didn’t fake his death. He won’t pop up and yell “Surprise” and then resume his life. He was never much of a prankster anyway.
Rosie: Wherever you are, I hope you’re okay.
She hopes I’m okay?
She should hate me for leaving. Even though I put on a brave face from the moment we left the hospital, to making plans for the funeral, to writing out thank you cards to those who cooked her casseroles and condolence dinners, to attending the funeral itself. I was there. I was with her. She experienced loss in a way that I couldn’t relate to, and I failed to be there for her when she needed me.
But I couldn’t be there anymore. It felt like I was suffocating, like leaving was my only option. Because being dressed in black clothes and surrounded by a life that shouldn’t still be in a casket at that church was too much. He wouldn’t even get to be buried right away, because the ground was frozen. It’s like his peace had to wait, which made things worse.
So I left Rose. And I left Taylor.
Rosie is always worrying about everybody but her. She shouldn’t be texting me. She shouldn’t be hoping I’m okay. But she is.
I look at my next text.
Dad: Taylor wants to know if you can take her to practice. I told her that you were busy.
Dad: Rose said you left.
Dad: Taylor is asking for you. Where are you, Kasey?
I put my phone down, not wanting to read anymore. Most of them are from him, reminding me what I walked away from.
Maybe Ian’s family had it right all those years ago. Maybe walking away is the best option when things get tough.
There’s a knock at the door, and Ian pops his head in. “You’re awake.”
&nb
sp; I press my lips together, nodding.
He gestures toward the stairs. “I made pancakes and bacon. There’s plenty down there.”
“I’m not very hungry.”
He frowns. “You have to eat something. When did you eat last?”
I try to think when my last meal was, but come up blank. I think Rose made me eat a granola bar sometime yesterday, or maybe the day before.
He comes over and tosses the blanket off me. “If you have to think about it, then it’s not a good answer. Come on.”
“Ian—”
“Nope.”
Before I say anything, I’m over his shoulder with him carrying me out of the room.
“Put me down!” I demand, squirming around to get him to let me go.
“Stop wiggling before I drop you.”
“Ian!”
“You need to eat, and there’s food waiting to be eaten. It’s tough love from now on.”
“I don’t want tough love,” I groan. “Or food.”
When we’re downstairs, the scent of breakfast makes my stomach growl loudly.
Ian chuckles. “Sounds like you’re hungry.”
I groan when he finally sets me down. It isn’t until I sit down at the table when I see we’re not alone.
Ian’s mom is staring at me.
“Uh …” I look at Ian.
“Mom, you remember Kasey.”
She smiles at me, and to my surprise it doesn’t look forced.
“You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman, Kasey,” she coos. “I can see why my son is so smitten.”
“Mom,” Ian murmurs in exasperation.
I forgot how much Ian looks like his mother. They both have the same complexion, same eyes, same features.
“It’s nice to see you again,” I find myself telling her, staring at the stack of food in front of me.
“Kasey, I …” She clears her throat. “I’m very sorry about everything that happened in the past. You were impacted by it, and I feel awful. Please know that I’m sorry, and I don’t expect forgiveness or anything from you. I’m glad you’re here, and I'm glad you’re with Ian.”
I sneak a peek at Ian, who seems nervous. Over his mother’s mention of what happened or her reference to me with Ian, I’m not sure.
I swallow uncomfortably, shifting in my seat.
But it doesn’t stop me from answering her honestly. “I’m glad that I’m with Ian, too … if he’ll still have me.” Ian’s uncertainty changes into an expression of surprise, then hope. Happiness.
I look back at his mother. “And somebody once told me that holding onto the past wasn’t going to change it. That blaming won’t make a difference. So, I forgive you, because I can’t keep living with all these feelings. It’s just going to kill me, too.”
Ian puts his hand in mine.
We smile at each other, but my smile isn’t as full as his.
“Well,” his mother declares, standing up, “I’ll leave you two alone. I hope whatever brings you here clears up. You deserve happiness.”
For once, I believed it.
When it was just Ian and me, he pointed to my plate. “Eat.”
Rolling my eyes, I cut into the stack of pancakes. I stab into them, putting a fork-full into my mouth.
He grins victoriously and starts eating his own.
“Did you mean it?” he asks me, causing me to look at him in confusion. “What you said to my mom, I mean.”
I cut the rest of my pancakes up. “Yes. Rosie told me that she didn’t blame the guy who shot Jake, because it wasn’t worth the energy. If she can do that, I can forgive your mom.”
But even with finding forgiveness, it still had to be handed out carefully. Some people didn’t deserve it. Choosing to not see Mom is something I’m going to stand by. Maybe, and the chance is in single digits, I’ll see her if she ever gets the help she needs in the future.
I just can’t risk her messing me up more than she already has, not when I’m finally starting to find what I need to heal from the damage already done.
We eat in silence until he finishes his food. I’m halfway done when I feel full, and thankfully he doesn’t push me to finish it.
“You know you have to go back, right?”
I stare at him.
“Your family is there. Your dad, Taylor, and Rose. They all need you in some way.”
“I promised Dad—”
“I know. I do, Kasey. And I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you wanted to come here and see me. If you really meant what you did about being with me, then I’ll have you. I want you in my life. But I know how much your sister means to you, and how much I’m sure leaving Rose behind makes you hurt. You ran, with the impression that it was for your dad. But we know that you were scared, and hurt, and angry. So you came here.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “You want me to leave?”
“I want you to be with your family. To be honest, Kay, I don’t even want to be here. There was something about West Haven that made me feel homely. I didn’t really get that here. Plus, there’s no place like Pops around this town.”
“You … you want to move back to West Haven? Like, for good?”
He nods. “I already talked to the guys about it. As long as we meet up to work on the albums and record, they’re cool with it. And our label has a studio in Burlington that I can commute to versus going back to New York. The guys all knew we’d go our own ways eventually. It’s not high school anymore. We’re adults. We have our own goals in life outside the band. Doesn’t mean we’re quitting or giving up. Just means we’re finding new things to live for.”
I swallow. “And what are you living for?”
He smiles. “A girl. A chance. A hope. To love her in hopes she’ll love me back. Maybe not right now, but someday. That feeling I was missing before? It returned when I came back here. When I went on tour. What I was missing wasn’t just you. It was my life in West Haven. The memories I had to give up suddenly. The people. That’s where I want to be.”
“And you want to be with me …” The idea doesn’t seem real.
He nods again.
“What about when you go on tour?”
He pauses. “You said you wanted to travel, right? Maybe when things go back to normal, you can come with me. You’ll be keeping your promise to your dad. To Jake. And you’ll always have a home to go back to, with people you care about.”
When I picture my future a year from now, it’s not with Taylor living with me while I work two jobs to support us. It’s not in my apartment alone, worrying about what comes next.
I picture my annoying neighbor.
Trips to Pops.
Visits to Dad.
Christmas gatherings with Rosie, Dad, and Taylor.
“What do you say, Kasey?”
“I think you’re crazy.” He seems taken aback by my answer, but I don’t let him say anything before I finish my thought. “I think it’s crazy you want to be with me, and I think it’s crazy that I feel this way about you already, or that I can picture us together. But I can. And I’m glad you do. And I want that. This.”
He lets out a relieved breath. “Thank God. I wasn’t sure where you were going with that.” He leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek.
“You can do better than that, Wells,” I breathe, noting he didn’t pull his face away right away.
He studies me. “I don’t want to put you in a position, Kay. You just lost somebody a week ago, and I get that’s going to take time to accept.”
Our eyes lock. “I may have lost him, but I gained you. And I want you to be there for me while I accept that things are different now. I need somebody.”
“You know I’ve got your back.”
He smiles warmly at me, and I nod.
Grinning, he says, “Plus, I wasn’t sure if I need to set the mood for a real kiss. You know, I don’t have anything to make fajitas with, and I know how much you loved that.”
“Can you just shut
up and kiss me?”
He chuckles. “I can manage that.”
And he does just that.
IAN
After two months of dating, you’d think I’d get used to every little habit of hers, but Kasey never ceases to surprise me.
We spent Christmas in West Haven, where Rosie and Kasey’s father hosted a joint dinner. Taylor got three more dolls, four coloring books, and thanks to me, a karaoke machine that has every Disney song known to man on it.
I’m fairly certain her father hates me now if he didn’t before.
For New Years, we traveled back to Clinton to celebrate with my friends, which soon became Kasey’s as well.
“It’s about time!” Tessa shrieks as we walk into Marty’s. He’s still got Christmas lights strung up, and a tree decorated in the corner. I’m pretty sure Tess insisted it stay up, because Marty doesn’t seem like the type to keep that kind of thing up past the holiday.
Tess launches herself at me, nearly knocking me down in the process. I have to let go of Kasey before I accidentally make her fall.
“You Skyped me two days ago,” I remind her, since she acts like it’s been years since we last talked.
“And you called him,” Will calls from the corner booth where he’s sitting with the rest of the guys.
Tessa shoots her boyfriend a look. “Did I ask you, William? Hmm? I can miss Ian all I want to. It’s not the same picking on you, because you just take it. At least Ian dishes it back.”
Will just chuckles and shakes his head.
Tess turns back to us, her focus narrowing in on Kasey. “You must be Kasey!”
“Uh, no this is April,” I cut in, feigning offense before Kasey can say anything.
Tess pales. “What? I thought …” She looked from Kasey to me, her eyes wide.
I start cracking up, which causes her to smack my arm. “Ian James Wells, that was not funny!”
All the guys are laughing behind her, which causes her to turn around with her hands on her hips, and ’tude in her eyes. They all quickly stop laughing.
The Risks We Take Page 23
