by Suzie Carr
“I wish we had more time to talk about this.”
“He’s walking this way. I don’t want to meet him.” She snapped her gaze straight ahead. A few tears trickled down her cheek.
I ran a finger delicately across her soft hand clutching the shift, preparing myself that it would be the last time I touched her. “You don’t know how badly I want to just drive off with you right now.”
She turned and looked at me. “I can’t play this game. You’re either ready for me or you’re not. I’m not going to be a mistress in your marriage.”
“A mistress?”
“That’s all I am to you right now.”
“That’s not true and you know it.”
“Emma, he’s coming closer. Please just get out of the car.”
I resented his presence, lurking about the car like he was my captain ordering me to come ashore. “We need to talk about this, Haley.”
She looked at me calmly for a moment and then waved me away, turning her head out her driver’s side window.
“Haley?”
He opened the door and offered me his hand. Before I was able to close the door and avoid the awkward moment of my two lovers meeting, he popped his head in the car, “Hi, I’m Colin, Emma’s fiancé.”
She shook his hand.
“Haley Verano. Nice to meet you,” she said without a smile.
“Well, it was nice of you to take Emma out to a local coffee shop. She loves her caffeine. I tried to get her off the stuff, but her head spins around like Medusa every time, so I learned to back away from that fight.”
“Well, good luck with that,” She smiled weakly at him and met my eyes. “Have a safe trip back, Emma.”
“Thanks.” And with that, he closed the door and she drove away, leaving me with an empty heart.
“She wasn’t the friendliest person I’ve ever met,” he said, taking my hand in his and directing me to the lobby door.
I snapped back at him. “Why do you always have to be so damn judgmental?”
“I was just being observant. What the hell got into you?”
I bit down on the inside of my cheek to stop the tears from breaking through. “Nothing. I’m just tired and need a hot shower.”
While in the shower minutes later, I cried under the spray of hot water. The day had been so beautiful—the best of my entire life—and yet it ended on such a devastating note. A big, empty hole replaced the happy heart I had that afternoon. How would I ever get on that airplane and fly away from her not knowing if I’d ever see her again?
Now I had to face an evening with Colin.
When he jumped into the shower with me, I all but cringed at his sight and hungry touch. I couldn’t deal with his clawing hands and ravenous kiss. The urgency behind his advances annoyed me, and as he plunged inside me, I bit into my hand to ease the revulsion of his groping moves. I was grateful to be in the shower so the water could mask my tears. Instead of bringing me closer to him, the sex of the moment tore me apart, making me want to escape this unnatural world that was so familiar to me just that morning.
In contrast to the fresh, sweet taste of Haley, his tired flavor couldn’t possibly satisfy me. The only way out was to fake success and get him off of me. With all the drama I could muster, I clung to him, shuddering, as if he created a fire storm in me with his thrusts, and like clock-work, he came hard and fast, leaving himself breathless and spent.
As he retreated to the main area of the hotel room, I closed the door behind him, locking myself in the bathroom. Finally, I had a moment of solitude to deal with this cloud of anguish hovering over me.
I needed to talk to Haley. I couldn’t leave this way. I had to call her, hear her voice.
“Hey Colin,” I yelled to him from the bathroom.
“What is it, sweetheart?”
“When you’re dressed, how about going down to talk to the concierge about dinner plans. He’d probably have some great places to recommend. I’m really in the mood for Italian.”
****
Hearing the door slam, I immediately called her. And when I heard her voice, my heart plummeted in grief, fearing I’d never experience that enticing woman again.
“Haley?”
“How are you?” she asked.
I wiped the tears as they fell from my eyes. “I’m scared.”
“I don’t know what to say, Emma.” She sounded distant, cold, detached already, and she called me Emma again.
“I just want to be back on the quilt with you and forget the past hour happened.”
“I was serious. I’m not willing to be your affair. The girlfriend that no one knows exists. The mysterious friend you visit once or twice a year.”
“You’re not my affair. You’re someone I care about. You’re my friend, Haley.”
“Friend,” she scoffed. “I can’t just be your friend. If you’re not ready for more with me, I think we should just go our separate ways.” Her voice had a finality to it that sent a shudder through me.
“That’s it. You’re just willing to say the hell with our friendship?”
“I wanted this to be more than a friendship.”
She infuriated me. How dare she think she could just toss my feelings aside like she was doing?
“This is you not getting what you want,” I said. “You’re so used to people falling at your feet that you have no idea how to deal when the cards don’t fall in your favor. There are more people than just you and I at stake here. I think you’re being self-centered.”
“I’m not self-centered. Emma,” she paused. “I’m in love with you.”
I closed my eyes to let her words sink in. The dead silence hung heavy in the steamy bathroom. My head swirled. “Do you mean that?”
“Baby, I am completely in love with you.”
My heart leapt from my chest and settled in my throat. It swelled, blocking my breathing. “Oh my God, Haley.”
“The connection we have is strong and something I can’t ignore. But, after seeing Colin, I realized how unreasonable all of this really is if you remain with him. Before, he was just a name, and now I see that he’s a real person, one who looks like he just stepped out of GQ. Seeing him hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt I finally found the one person in this world I can connect with on more levels than imaginable and I can’t have her because she belongs to someone else. I’m honestly heartbroken.”
“I’m heartbroken, too.”
She let out a deep sigh. “I’m even more disappointed to hear you say you are too. That wasn’t the response I wanted to hear.”
I hung my head in my lap, defeated by the situation. The silence broke as Colin unlocked the door to the suite. “Haley, Colin’s back in the room. I have to hang up. I’m so sorry.”
“I am, too.”
I heard the click of her phone.
He tried to open the bathroom door. “Em?”
I cleared the tears from the back of my throat. “I’m going to the bathroom, hon. Hang on.”
I stuffed one of the fluffy hand towels into my face and let the build-up of tears crash down.
****
Throughout dinner I forced myself to pay attention to him. My mind drifted in and out of our conversation as flickers of my date with Haley broke through. Maintaining my concentration became so difficult that I suggested we go to a movie so I could be alone with my thoughts and let the sadness swim around inside of me.
Later that night, he fell asleep first. I stared at his chest go up and down as I laid next to him, watching him. The night had been a series of forced dribbles of conversation, not to mention lies about the seminar.
Throughout the night, memories of the day overtook my mind. The day was perfect. Haley was perfect. The only thing that wasn’t perfect about the day was how it ended, with her alone in her apartment bedroom and me lying next to a man I was slipping further away from with each passing day.
Throughout my life, I took solace in knowing my tough situations were temporary and with a littl
e time, things turned around and the situations always changed for the better. But this situation was different.
Lying in the dark hotel room, listening to his soft snoring, I admitted to myself, this situation was far from temporary. We weren’t having an argument that the next day would repair itself over a gin and tonic and a gleaming smile. We weren’t compromising on which china to select for our gift registry. This wasn’t one of his jabs of criticism or my occasional nagging habit over him leaving his cups all around my apartment. Those insignificant problems could be overlooked with time. This couldn’t.
What wedged between me and Colin now was an amorphous body that I couldn’t just toss aside and deal with later. It surrounded me like a dark cloud, laboring my breathing, squashing my appetite, rendering me physically unable to fight and overcome. It was the makings of something much more than a fleeting moment of unhappiness. No, it was more like a lifetime of packing away a little unhappiness here and there. And now, that bad packing job threatened to buckle from too much weight. I had to decide to either toss away my baggage or break the packages free and finally deal with their messiness.
Both situations had painful consequences. I couldn’t have both. It would have been so easy to just stay with Colin and keep a special friendship with her on the side. After our kiss though, that would be impossible now.
****
I slid into the airport ladies’ room. With no thanks to security checkpoints, I only had ten minutes to talk before my plane boarded. “Goldie, I’m in trouble,” I cried into the telephone.
“Where are you? Sounds like you’re echoing. What kind of trouble are you in? Are you in prison?”
“Prison?” I asked annoyed. “I’m in the airport in Denver. Goldie, I’m in deep trouble. I’m drowning in it. I don’t know what to do.”
“Denver? Okay, I see now what trouble you’re in. Just how deep are you?”
“It was no innocent kiss, Goldie.”
“How awesome was it?”
I let out a nervous laugh.
“That awesome, huh?”
“Yup, pretty much.”
“We’ll get you through this Emma. What time are you getting into BWI?”
“My flight gets in roughly at three o’clock. But, Colin arranged to have a limo there to bring us home. I was hoping you could come by around 5. Colin’s going into the office to catch up on some work then.”
“You bet. I’ll be there,” she said. “And Em, don’t worry. We’ll figure this out together.”
Having her in my life was like having a living guardian angel by my side. She was a truly remarkable friend. A friend I desperately needed more than any other basic necessity at that point.
****
Usually I stressed about the appearance of my apartment when anyone came by for a visit, but after spending the last seven hours in airports and on airplanes, I didn’t care that my luggage was piled in the corner of the living room or that dust had built on the coffee tables. When Goldie entered, she paid no notice to the disorder. Instead she looked right into my swollen eyes and asked me straight out, “What was it like?”
“Better than I ever imagined,” I said.
“Really?” She reached out and touched the puffy circles under my red eyes. “What’s going on with these eyes then?”
“I had my one cookie. And I want more.”
“More? Listen to you. My greedy little Emmie.” She laughed and poked my side.
“This isn’t a joke. Goldie I’m freaking out. I’m really scared.”
“It was a kiss. You kissed a woman. It’s the trendy thing to do these days. You’re sexually liberated.”
“I’m far from liberated.”
She grabbed my shoulders and spoke directly. “You need to put it in the context of your reality now. It was a kiss, nothing more. There’s no need to get freaked.”
“It was so much more. I really care about this woman.”
She took hold of my hand and dragged me into the kitchen, speaking over her shoulder to me. “Okay, maybe this woman gives you the rise that’s missing from your relationship with Colin and that’s why you’re freaking out here. Trust me, honey, it’s not her. It’s the situation. It’s the newness of it.” She walked over to my refrigerator and pulled out the milk, then reached up into my cabinet for glasses. “Good thing I’m throwing you a bridal shower in two weeks. These glasses are disgusting. They’re all cloudy.”
“A bridal shower. Oh God,” I moaned.
She poured us both a glass of milk. “Relax. You and Colin are under the gun with stress. Cut yourself some slack. After the wedding is over, you‘ll be able to concentrate on building the most amazing marriage, that, I have no doubt, will fulfill you.”
I reached for my glass of cold milk. “But Colin has never made me feel the way Haley does.”
“Come on, you and Colin have been together for so long now. Maybe you’re not feeling the fireworks that you felt when you first started dating in college, but that’s natural. Now you’re in the comfort stage of love. Maybe this woman stirred sexual feelings in you, but you have to remember that Colin did, too.”
She defended him as though she actually cared about him. I looked down unwilling to admit, for fear her sudden protection over him would disappear, that I was never attracted to him sexually.
“Emma,” she started, “Colin will give you a life of luxury, comfort, and security that most women would drool over. I’ve been stuck in that damn hole in the city most of my life, trying to eke out a living. God has handed you a silver platter. You will have that perfect little house in the suburbs with a dog and a couple of kids, gorgeous ones, I might add. He’s someone you can be proud to have by your side. Don’t you think I get sideways looks when I introduce Charlie to people? I love him, Em, but sometimes it’s hard to break people’s prejudices. You’ll never have to do that. You’re about to embark on the ultimate dream of so many people. You’re getting married. And not just to anyone. You’re getting married to Colin Briggs. He’s perfect for you and you for him.”
I stared at her numb and speechless. She painted the perfect picture of what every girl dreamed.
She took a stern tone. “Don’t blow this over some sexy kiss that you had with a girl from Denver. It’s ridiculous to even think about calling off a wedding over someone so obviously wrong for the lifestyle you have.”
“The lifestyle I have?” I asked.
“Come on Em, get your head together. Can you imagine your dad? How would you explain a lesbian relationship to him? I just don’t see it for you.”
“Of everyone, I hoped you would understand.”
“You want me to validate what you’re feeling. You want me to tell you to call off the wedding and run off with some woman you met, as she crashed her car into yours. I won’t do it. I won’t stand by and watch you throw your life away over a silly sexual experience.”
“You have no idea what I’m feeling right now. Do you know how badly I want to jump on another plane and see her?”
“I think you seeing her again would be the ultimate mistake.” She slammed her now empty glass down on the counter.
“She told me she loved me.”
She placed her hand over her mouth and stretched her eyes wide. “She told you that?”
“This wasn’t some one night stand with someone I met at a bar. It was an intimate moment with a person I care deeply about. I feel like you’re judging me now.”
“Em, I’m not judging you.” The look of shock still blared bright on her face.
“Look at you. You’d think I told you I robbed a nun.”
“I’m your best friend. Just because I don’t understand what’s going on in your heart, doesn’t mean I won’t be there to support you in any decision you make.”
“You have a funny way of showing support.”
“Your entire aura says you’re confused. To me, that’s a red flag. I caution you against making any life-altering decisions.”
“Marriage
is pretty life-altering, Goldie.”
“That’s not what I was referring to and you know it.”
I walked out of the kitchen and back into my living room where I collapsed against my couch. “What do I do?”
Trailing right behind me, she plopped down next to me. “Only you know.”
For the first time, I counted on her psychic guidance. “Do you see anything around me that tells you what I should do?”
“I thought you didn’t believe in that.”
I rested my head on her shoulder. “I don’t know what I believe anymore.”
“You think you’re in love with her don’t you?”
I nodded.
“You had to wait until two weeks before your best friend planned your bridal shower to become a lesbian, didn’t you?”
I cracked up at this. The catharsis cooled me like a rushing waterfall.
“We’ll figure this out, Emma.”
****
In the days following our trip, Haley dodged my calls and emails skillfully. Each night I’d leave a message on her voicemail asking her to call me back. And the more my phone didn’t ring back, the angrier and more resentful I grew. And Goldie would hear it every night.
“Why are you tormenting her by calling her?”
“Tormenting her?”
“Well, you’re certainly not telling me to call off the wedding shower this weekend. That sounds like torment to me.”
“I just wanted to make sure she’s okay.”
“You want to make sure that you’re okay. You feel guilty and can’t stand it.”
“Maybe you’re right.” I missed her. I missed our late night calls. I missed our daily emails. I just wanted to hear her voice again. “Goldie, if she was so in love with me, why would she ignore me like this?”
“Under the circumstances, this is exactly how I would expect her to act. If she’s really in love with you, she wants you to be happy. If you had wanted to be with her, you would be. She knows that. So she’s logically concluding that Colin is the person who makes you happiest. She knows there’s room for only one lover in your life. She’d only confuse you if she continued with your friendship. She knows this.”
