Bachelors In Love

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Bachelors In Love Page 45

by Jestine Spooner


  “Yeah.” It was her turn to clear her throat. “I was with some guy a few months after the hurricane. We hooked up and then I scared the shit out of him when I had a nightmare. And then I cried my eyes out because he wasn’t you.”

  Jay’s arms tightened around her and he couldn’t help but kiss any part of her he could reach. Her ear, her hair, the hot skin on her forehead.

  “But it wasn’t like that with Linc?” His heart raced to ask the question.

  She shook her head. “No. I never once let myself compare Linc to you. I knew that was suicide. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want what I had with Linc. I did.”

  Jay was acutely aware of the fact that he was still inside her right that very second. He moved his hips just a tiny bit, in case she needed reminding as well.

  Her eyes widened. “I’m sorry, am I being insensitive?”

  “No,” he smiled gently at her. “You’re being brutally honest. Mari-style. I’d never want you to be different.”

  She made a little noise that he couldn’t begin to interpret and settled her head back on his neck.

  “Mari,” he started, needing to say something. “I’m not sorry that you’re not with Linc anymore. But I am sorry that your life keeps getting turned upside down. Even—” his throat closed for a second. “Even if it’s not with me, I want you to have stability in your life. I really do. And I’m sorry if my presence made your life worse. Messed it up.”

  Mari was quiet, deeply quiet. She sat up, words in her eyes, a resolute expression on her face like she was about to make a proclamation of some kind. But the movement of her hips pushed Jay further inside her and it distracted both of them. She pushed down experimentally and they both gasped. Jay lifted his hands to her breasts, her head fell back in ecstasy, and they were lost in one another again.

  ***

  The days went past in a lazy, loping pace that somehow flew by with them barely noticing. As much as Mari and Jay relished being alone together, they spent their days as a group. The four of them would go surfing or sailing or snorkeling. In the evenings they’d head back to the hotel, get cleaned up and find dinner together.

  And each night, Mari and Jay found themselves panting, exhausted and exhilarated in one another’s arms. Every moment that passed felt like sand through Mari’s fingers.

  Soon there was just a day, a handful of hours really, before she was on a plane back to Ocean City. Her vacation would be over, she’d have no place to live, a job that had piled up in her absence and no one to go home to.

  The reality of it was crippling for her. She had no idea what Jay was thinking would happen when this vacation was over, but he’d asked to make her happy while they were here, in Hawaii. And he had. He’d shown up for that task. She couldn’t remember a time in her life when she’d been happier. But they were about to go back to reality and she dreaded what things would be like for them anywhere but vacation.

  They were on borrowed time, Mari knew it. There was no way this thing they had could translate back into real life. And that was not something Mari was happy to come to terms with. Especially because she barely had a real life to return to. Would she even stay in Ocean City? Where she could run into Jay at any moment? Probably not. It didn’t even occur to her that she hadn’t thought of running into Linc. It hadn’t occurred to her that a handful of days in Jay’s arms had begun to erase Linc from her thoughts and worries. She missed Linc, but he was so far down on her radar right now, she was barely thinking about him at all.

  Jay watched Mari as she skirted around the edge of the saltwater pool they were eating lunch beside. They’d gone surfing that morning and the four of them had tacitly agreed to head back to the hotel for a relaxing last afternoon on vacation. They were flying out tomorrow.

  A waiter with a tray full of drinks turned his head to watch Mari pass, his eyes landing on her bathing suit bottoms. She wore a tight little t-shirt over her bikini top but hadn’t bothered to put shorts or pants on.

  God, Jay was so into her. She was just so herself at all moments. There was no one else like her. He felt as if they were building something here in Hawaii. He’d spent the last few days showing her what it could be like when they got home, and he hoped she was getting the message. He wanted her to feel relaxed and cared for. He wanted her to get into bed at night and know that he saw her, he knew her, he wanted her. He wanted her to get out of bed in the morning and know that he would give her space if she wanted it and be by her side if she wanted that.

  She disappeared into the shade of the hotel and Jay finally tore his eyes away from the direction she’d gone. He tipped his head back onto his chair and closed his eyes into the sun. It was gonna be hard to go back to winter in Maryland after this.

  “Are you gonna tell her?” Eli asked, quasi casually, sipping a Corona and crossing his sandy ankles one over the other.

  Jay’s head snapped up. “Tell her what?”

  Marcus and Eli rolled their eyes at one another.

  “What you’re feeling. What you’re hoping for when you get back to Ocean City.”

  “Oh,” Jay said as his stomach flipped for reasons he didn’t quite understand. “She knows. She knows how I feel about all that.”

  Marcus raised a skeptical brow. “Don’t be a dumb shit.”

  Jay raised his hands up over his head in a quick, impatient move. “What?”

  “I’m just saying,” Marcus shrugged a shoulder. “That girl, cool as she is, is like a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair convention.

  Now it was Jay and Eli’s turn to roll their eyes at one another. “I’m sorry,” Jay said, a wry grin on his face. “When did you switch places with my Great Aunt Bev?”

  Marcus laughed, just a little. “I’m telling you man, as much as she’s enjoying vacation with you, that girl is nervous. Whenever any of us have mentioned Ocean City she’s gone stiff as a board.”

  Jay frowned. He’d noticed that too. Nobody liked talking about their real life when they were on vacation, but Mari’s aversion to it did seem a little extreme. Jay’s stomach dropped as he watched her come back out of the hotel, a beautiful little frown on her perfect mauve mouth.

  “Anyone up for a swim?” Mari asked, picking up Jay’s half full water glass and chugging the rest of it right down. The gesture warmed him.

  “Yeah.” Jay rose instantly and followed her toward the humongous, deep blue pool they all sat around.

  Marcus and Eli watched them go. Eli kicked Marcus’s knee with a sandy foot. “How’re you doing, man?”

  Marcus dusted off the sand that Eli’s foot had left behind and frowned. “You mean with my recuperation leave?”

  “I mean with everything that happened.” Neither of them could bring themselves to say the words. That Marcus had killed someone. It still blew Eli’s mind that his friend was capable of it. That Marcus had chosen a line of work where he’d had to take measures that extreme before and would probably have to again.

  Marcus shrugged, either vacation had really relaxed him or he was faking. Eli couldn’t tell. “I mean, it doesn’t feel good. But it’s not eating me alive. The therapist they pinned me with this time is a good guy. And,” Marcus brushed a hand over his dark hair, “I’m really trying this time. You know how everything fell apart last time. When I just said fuck it and didn’t try at therapy or recuperation.”

  Eli tried not to shudder at the memory of that time. It was like Marcus’s evil twin had come out to play. He was angry, erratic, drunk more often than not. And it had gone on for months. It was Eli’s dad that had finally slapped some sense into him. Actually, Ryan had bought Marcus out of his lease and moved him in with him. Eli still wasn’t sure what had transpired in the months that had followed, but Marcus had come out the other side as himself again.

  Needless to say, Eli was beyond relieved to hear that his friend was taking all precautions to not let that happen again. “I’m glad to hear it. What’re things gonna look like for you when you get back? You still have a coup
le months of leave, right?”

  Marcus pursed his lips. “Technically, if I want it.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Well, apparently they’ve got an assignment for me if I want it. But it’s not what I usually do. And it sounds boring as hell. I don’t know if I’ll take it or not.”

  Marcus frowned as he thought back to the conversation with his superior he’d had on the phone a few days ago. It’s better than riding a desk, Marinos. Which is what you’re looking at until you’re approved to end your medical leave.

  It was probably better than riding a desk. But it was babysitting more than anything. Babysitting some chick who was too important to put into witness protection. Marcus hadn’t been briefed yet on who she was or why she deserved her own personal federal agent as a bodyguard. And he wasn’t curious. He’d been curious as hell about every single one of his cases since he could remember.

  Honestly, that was a lot of what was bothering him about the way his last case had ended. He’d watched the man he’d been hunting for years fall backwards, out of the air, already dead, and Marcus knew that all those questions he’d needed the answers to were never going to be answered. Those answers died right along with that man. And now Marcus was just supposed to move right on. From all of it.

  He scowled and raked a hand over his chin. Jesus, he needed a release. The days of surfing and sipping beer poolside had helped lower his blood pressure. And time with his two best friends went a long way toward patching up his raw feelings about his job. But there was also this rough, racing animal inside of him that raged against the bars of its cage.

  It had been a year now since Marcus had imposed celibacy on himself and he knew he was nearing a breaking point. It wasn’t the celibacy that bothered him so much as it was the lack of any hope. He was celibate with no game plan on how to not be. All he knew was that he was too intense for women. And he didn’t want to get wrapped up and tangled with them anymore. He just ended up devastating good women who deserved better than him. So until he could figure his shit out, he was abstaining. But the problem was that he sure as fuck didn’t feel like abstaining anymore.

  He shifted in his seat.

  “What’s that all about?” Eli asked, tipping his beer toward the look of pent-up tension on Marcus’s face.

  Marcus shrugged, trying to wipe his face clean.

  Eli sighed, stretched his feet out on front of him and tipped his head back to watch the sky. “When the hell did my two best friends become such closed fucking vaults?”

  “What?”

  “I mean, here’s Jay keeping the love of his life secret for five flipping years. And then there’s you, all tortured and tense over some secret that I’m guessing has to do with women, and you won’t give it up either. What the hell is this? I tell you guys everything. And I have since I was a kid. I don’t get it.”

  Marcus couldn’t help but roll his eyes and smile at his best friend. “I’m sorry. Would you like to trade these beers for chocolate milk? You could braid my hair. And then we’ll just go ahead and have ourselves a pillow fight.”

  Eli raised his eyes to the heavens. “I’m not asking for gossip, Marcus. I’m asking about you, man. Your fucking feelings or whatever. And I’m telling you that I’m willing to bet whatever it is would be better off out here.” Eli gestured to the space between them. “Where I can help you get a little perspective on your critical ass.”

  Marcus looked at the ground immediately, cleared his throat. Eli wasn’t wrong. Even when they were kids, Eli always had been able to make things better. He could find the bright side out of any issue. Marcus opened his mouth. Could he tell him? If there was anyone in the world, it would be Eli.

  Marcus cleared his throat. “I’m getting frustrated with my celibacy thing.”

  Eli blinked. It was the first time Marcus had admitted out loud that this was an actual thing. Eli and Jay had noticed it a long time ago, but Marcus hadn’t said a word to explain it. “Yeah, well, celibacy sounds deeply frustrating. What parts are getting to you?”

  Marcus laughed. “The not having sex part.”

  Eli laughed too. “Alright then, so break the fast.”

  “Nah,” Marcus frowned at his beer. “It’s not that simple.”

  Eli signaled to the waiter for another round of beers. “Explain,” he said simply.

  Marcus sighed. “I’m abstaining because I’m not good for the women I mess around with.”

  Eli stayed quiet, tipping his head onto his knuckles and watching Marcus. He knew that too many questions or too much prodding would make his friend clam up.

  “What I want from them is just… too much. They can’t give it. And then I get bored. And I leave. And then they get all hurt and sad and I hate it.”

  “What do you mean what you want from them?”

  Something dark crossed Marcus’s face as he looked at his best friend. This was Eli, he had to remind himself. He’d already told the guy that he’d killed people, for god sakes. How much worse could this be? “I’ve been told I’m really, ah, intense in the sack.”

  Eli stilled for a second, tumblers falling into place. “I mean, at the risk of TMI, what do you mean?”

  Marcus said nothing.

  So Eli pushed a little. “Like, what, Fifty Shades-type of shit?”

  Marcus laughed. “Nah, man. Not like that. I mean, who isn’t partial to some handcuffs every now and then, but nah.”

  Eli paused, bit his lip for a second. But curiosity got the best of him. “Then what the hell is it? You have some weird kink or something?”

  Marcus scrubbed a hand over his face. Part of him couldn’t believe he was finally talking about this. “Honestly, I don’t know what it is. But every single person I’ve slept with, at some point or another, said it was too much. That I was too much. One chick said it was like I was trying to burn down her forest.”

  Eli squinted in confusion, opened his mouth to ask another question.

  But Marcus held his hands up. “Seriously, dude, I don’t get it either. Apparently I do it different than other dudes. And for a while I can just like phone it in and try to do whatever I think I should be doing. And I get rave reviews for all that. But then, you know, once you’re with a chick for a while and you start to get comfortable, well that’s when it all goes downhill. Apparently I’m too intense.”

  Eli clapped his mouth shut. It still didn’t make sense, but there wasn’t a whole lot more information he could get from Marcus that wasn’t graphic and explicit. And though their friendship could handle a lot, there were definitely some lines. “So you don’t want to get with girls because eventually they end up trying to change the way you get freaky?”

  Marcus laughed at how ridiculous that sounded and shook his head. “I don’t know, man. All I know is that I’m sick of making women sad. Because none of them want to break up, you know?”

  Eli shook his head. “None of them want to break up with you, even though whatever you’re doing in the bedroom is too much for them?”

  He shrugged. “For whatever reason, they wanna work through it. But I can’t do that. I don’t wanna compromise who I am, or make them get used to something that’s too intense for them. Either way it doesn’t seem fair.”

  Eli nodded, understanding a little bit. “But dude, there’s no endgame to this celibacy thing, then.”

  “I know. That’s what’s bothering me.”

  Eli took the beers that the waiter had brought over and shoved one into Marcus’s hand. “Well, you just need to find a girl that wants whatever it is you’re, uh, bringing to the table.”

  Marcus raised his eyes at his friend, endeared that Eli was trying so hard to have this awkward-ass conversation.

  “Easier said than done.”

  “Yeah,” Eli said as he squinted into the distance. “I’m sure. What about like an internet ad or something?”

  Marcus blinked slowly. “You want me to take out an internet sex ad for myself? Mid-30s FBI agent with shitty
parents and no life outside of his job is seeking a woman who doesn’t mind getting her forest burned down.”

  They both burst out laughing. “Yeah. Nah. Maybe you’re right.” Eli tipped his head back. “But then what are you gonna do? Just keep not meeting anyone or sleeping with anyone? That sounds terrible. Really lonely.”

  Marcus shrugged. “I can occupy myself with work. Like I have been for a long time.”

  Eli nodded. He didn’t say that he wanted Marcus to find a line of work where he didn’t occasionally have to murder someone.

  “Plus I have you guys,” Marcus continued. “So it’s not like I’m actually lonely.”

  Eli thought about his life before Tia. He hadn’t thought of it as particularly lonely either. And then he’d met the love of his life and he couldn’t imagine going back to a world without her. With casual relationships with women who he didn’t connect with. God. It didn’t even bear thinking about. Tia saw Eli for who he really was, inside and out. And she chose him every day. She filled him. He would never turn away from her. Not in a million years. Again, these were things he didn’t say to his friend.

  “I mean, I guess it’s kind of like how I felt about football for a long time, you know?”

  “What’s that?”

  Eli turned to Marcus. “You do it for as long as you can, and then you retire.”

  “Yeah, dude. That’s how most people feel about their jobs.”

  “No,” Eli shook his head. “I don’t mean about your job, I mean about the celibacy thing. At some point, it’s gonna just be enough, and you’re gonna find your way out of it. No matter what you have to do. Internet ad or not.”

  “Alright, alright. I’m gonna go join the lovebirds.” Marcus rose up and stretched, tossing his t-shirt on the chair behind him. He didn’t look back, but he did squeeze Eli’s shoulder before he went and cannonballed into the pool.

  Eli sat, cold beer in hand, and watched them splash around in the pool. Vacation was good, necessary, perfect. But God, he couldn’t wait to get home to Tia.

 

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