by Brandi Rarus
“What is it?” his mother said, looking straight at him.
He paused for a few seconds then blurted out, “Well . . . I kind of got a girl pregnant.”
His mother almost dropped the frying pan. “Oh, no,” she yelped, immediately thinking about a good friend of his who had been in a similar situation—a real mess. She continued, “Are you sure that the baby is—”
“Yeah, it’s mine,” BJ said, interrupting her before she had a chance to finish. “Remember I told you about a girl, Jess . . . she’s from Fairmont . . . we got together after the tournament . . . and one thing led to another and—”
“Was there any drinking involved?” his father asked, interrupting him.
BJ nodded.
For several seconds no one said anything, and then his father continued, while shaking his head in disapproval, “Well, I don’t have to tell you how disappointed we are in you, BJ. You should know better.”
“I know, Dad. But come on. It wasn’t only my fault,” BJ shot back, a little defensively.
“I’m not interested in what this gal did or didn’t do. I’m interested in you,” his father replied, sounding a bit exasperated.
BJ’s father was a well-grounded, even-tempered man, who had recently retired from the police force and was working as the community coordinator for Kasson County, Iowa. While on the force, he had been involved with a lot of domestic-type situations—teenage parents trying to deal with their messed up lives with their babies stuck in the middle. BJ’s mother, an obstetrics nurse, had done well-baby checkups over the years, caring for infants who were being placed for adoption. A foster mother used to bring her babies to the clinic in Algona where she worked and would tell her things about them, like where their birth parents lived and how old they were.
“Well, at any rate, you should take a paternity test,” his mother said, to which BJ didn’t respond.
Then after a short pause, he said, “Jess is considering placing the baby for adoption, but I’m hoping that she’ll keep it. I’m hoping that we can work things out and raise her together. She thinks she’s having a girl.”
His parents were both quiet. A million things were going through their minds. As a cop and a nurse, both had been around teenage pregnancies, and neither had ever heard of any custody battles working out. They were also disturbed that he didn’t seem interested in taking a paternity test.
But knowing Jess’s due date and doing the math, he felt certain that the baby was his. It was almost as if he didn’t want to take the test because he had already made up his mind.
Even though BJ knew that his parents were disappointed in him, he also knew that they loved him and would be there for him, just like they had been his entire life. They were a very close-knit family. BJ’s parents had always supported their children, helping them through the difficult times, like the time a few years earlier when BJ’s older brother and his wife lost their twin infants. His brother’s wife had gone into premature labor when she was seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. When his mother received the phone call about it, BJ was in school, so she arranged for him to go to a friend’s house, and then she, his father, and his sister drove four hours to the hospital to be with BJ’s brother, his brother’s wife, and the dying babies.
The five of them sat there rocking the babies, who had been put on respirators, and then BJ’s brother and his brother’s wife rocked them gently until they died. One gasped and then the other. Oh, how it hurt BJ’s mother so that the only thing she could ever do for those babies was to pick them up and drive them to the funeral home in Algona. BJ’s brother had wanted BJ to see them; he wanted him to say good-bye, so the following day the two of them went to the funeral home and just sat there for a few hours and held them and talked. The funeral director said that it was the most touching thing that he had ever seen in his entire life. BJ was the pallbearer at the funeral. All by himself, he carried the casket with those babies in it.
BJ’s parents, after getting over their initial shock and disappointment, told him that whether he wanted to support Jess with an adoption plan or raise the baby, they would be there for him. They felt that even though they weren’t getting any younger (he was forty-eight and she was forty-six), if BJ wanted to raise the baby, they would step up to the challenge and do whatever they had to do to support their son.
* * *
MEANWHILE, JESS WENT to the Caring Pregnancy Center, which was true to its name. Even though she was extremely nervous when she first arrived, the center’s bright and cheery atmosphere, with children’s books and copies of Parents magazine strewn all around, put her at ease. One of the center’s owners, a warm and caring woman named Janet, whom Jess confided in for months to come, came to greet her. Janet then showed her around the center, taking her first to a big room that had maternity clothes, baby clothes, and toys that their clients could take, as needed. After that she took her to a video room, where Jess would watch many videos and fill out workbooks, and where she and Janet would have many long talks about the effects of pregnancy on her body and about her three different options for moving forward. It was here at the Caring Pregnancy Center that Jess was introduced to adoption. At first, she was so relieved just knowing that raising her baby or having an abortion weren’t her only options because neither of them had felt right to her from the very start. Adoption really intrigued Jess, and she knew that it was her father’s choice; yet she knew nothing about it at all. A while back, a friend of hers had placed her baby for adoption, so she knew that people did such a thing, but she didn’t have a clue as to why or how.
In the past, when she had thought of the word “adoption,” she conjured up images of orphans in dreary orphanages with mean caretakers, who were lucky enough to get picked by some benevolent couple and “get adopted” like the character in Annie. She also thought that if she placed her baby for adoption, people would look down on her and think she was being selfish. When she told an adopted friend of hers that she was considering adoption for her baby, her friend said, “I could never give up my baby because I would love it too much,” obviously speaking much more about her own unresolved life experiences and unable to see the situation from Jess’s perspective.
Jess had certainly never thought about adoption from a birth mother’s point of view. The whole idea of giving her baby to someone else felt so weird and uncomfortable; yet, the more she learned about adoption, the more she wanted to know. Eventually, she began thinking that it might actually be the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of her interest, Janet referred her to the New Horizons Adoption Agency, whose main office was in Frost, Minnesota, not too far from her home. She called them immediately and arranged to meet with their director, Marlys, at the Perkins Restaurant in town one afternoon after school.
Marlys reminded Jess of Mrs. Doubtfire when they first met. It wasn’t so much her clothes, but her big glasses, gray hair (minus the bun), and her very warm and kind eyes. She looked very tall, sitting there, in her grayish trousers and cream-colored, buttoned-up blouse with a bow that you tie at the neck. She was sipping a cup of chicken soup.
“You must be Jess. It’s very nice to meet you,” Marlys said, looking straight at her.
“Hi. It’s great to meet you, too,” Jess replied, meeting her gaze and then looking away.
Marlys smiled and then continued, “Well, the eats are very good here. Would you care to order something?”
“Oh, thank you, but I’m not all that hungry right now,” Jess replied, but still picked up the menu, skimmed it, and then decided to order a bowl of minestrone soup. She felt shy that first day, but from then on, she ordered enormous amounts of food—a big burger with fries or an ice cream sundae or a milkshake, whatever she was craving. She ate like a horse, while Marlys always had her cup of chicken soup.
And so a relationship began that anchored and sustained Jess during the most tumultuous time of her entire life. Over the next several months, Marlys told her everything there was to know about domestic
adoption. She learned about how she would choose an adoptive family; about open, semi-open, and closed adoptions; and how birth parents and adoptive parents meet and, through the adoption agency, work out an arrangement. She heard stories about birth mothers who had successfully placed their babies with an adoptive family and about those few who had eventually decided to raise their child on their own. Marlys always stressed that there was no “right” or “wrong,” but that every birth mother had to decide what was right for her own life. Jess’s parents met with Marlys a few times, as well, and they were very onboard with Jess’s inquiry.
Marlys had been there and done this dance with scores of birth mothers over the years, yet never made Jess feel like she had to be different from who she was. That’s what Jess loved about her the most. Without judgment, she encouraged Jess to experience her emotions as they came. She never pushed Jess toward adoption, but she gave her good information so that she could make up her own mind. Marlys prepared Jess for what she would experience down the road, explaining that on some days she would feel perfectly fine and others like a complete mess.
She seemed to know exactly what Jess was thinking and feeling and could tell when she was having an “off” day, which Jess really appreciated because her emotions and her hormones were raging. Marlys listened as Jess told her about school, her parents, her friends, and her changing body. She told Marlys about her desire to have a successful career, be married, and have children someday, and about her mixed feelings toward BJ, which would become more difficult for her to deal with as the months progressed. Marlys was like Jess’s guide, and Jess felt like she would have died without her.
Little by little, the shock of being pregnant faded into the reality of Jess caring for herself and her unborn baby. Even though her life was in enormous upheaval, she was still in absolute awe of the miracle that was taking place inside of her. She saw her baby as an extension of herself, and her love for the baby expanded into her having more self-love and self-respect. As a result, she found herself cleaning her room, taking other people’s feelings into consideration—especially her father’s—doing her homework, and going to bed early. She ate three balanced meals a day with her priority being her baby’s health and also her own health—physical and emotional. She didn’t even mind losing most of her friends, who couldn’t at all relate to what she was going through and weren’t all that interested. She knew that what she needed most was to find clarity about what she truly wanted from life and about what would be best for her baby—the latter becoming nothing short of her life’s mission.
Yet the answer to that question was still far from being answered. At first, even though placing her baby for adoption sounded good in theory, it was still too painful for Jess to even think about not raising the baby—to let go of that idea. But her other alternative was just as painful because she believed that a pregnant woman should be married and planning joyously for her baby’s arrival and for motherhood. Oh, how she wished to God that she were that person.
Then there was BJ to contend with, whose kiss she had misinterpreted to mean that he only wanted her sexually and not emotionally. She’d remembered her mother saying to her when she told her that she had met him, that the only thing a twenty-two-year-old guy ever wanted from a seventeen-year-old girl was sex. Desperately needing her mother’s support, she didn’t have the wherewithal to question her line of thinking. She wasn’t able to see that BJ wanted to have a relationship with her after she became pregnant.
She was so unsure about what she wanted to do about the baby, and in such turmoil, she couldn’t even begin to consider the fact that BJ would have any feelings on the matter whatsoever, let alone be open to considering them. She was just so scared and confused, and just trying to make it through the day, while her life was falling apart around her.
She felt selfish for wanting to place her baby for adoption, but also selfless, knowing that if she did, the baby would have a much better life. And she couldn’t even begin to think about raising the baby with BJ. A long time ago, she’d decided that no child of hers would ever be shuffled back and forth between its parents like she had been.
Then there was her lifelong dream of going to college, graduating with a degree, and having a successful career. If she kept her baby, college would be out of the question, at least for the foreseeable future. And she had already been accepted at South Dakota State. Through the grapevine, she had heard about single mothers in town on welfare who were dealing with custody battles and looking for work, who couldn’t find anything better than a clerk position at a gas station—and, by God, she didn’t want to be that person. She’d wanted out of Fairmont—bad—and had seen too many townies over the years grow up and never leave, and that thought was revolting to her. She wanted to make her parents proud and make herself proud. She believed that she deserved that, no matter what her sins.
After much resistance, Jess’s father finally convinced her to let BJ know what she was thinking. A meeting was arranged with Jess, BJ, their parents, and Jess’s pastor at Jess’s father’s house, where things became even more entangled.
Chapter Seven
LOVE’S SACRIFICE
EVEN THOUGH BJ’s parents said that they would support him if he decided to raise the baby, given the circumstances, his father strongly believed that placing the baby for adoption would be best. His mother did too, yet deep down, part of her would also have been very happy with the alternative. With her three kids all grown, there was something very appealing to her about having a little baby—her grandchild—crawling around the house. To her, family was everything.
His parents were right by his side from the very start, attending the first meeting with Jess’s pastor and then several others, some of which were incredibly difficult. However, they made it very clear to BJ that it was his situation and not theirs, and that he had to decide what he wanted to do.
The pastor looked at them and said, “In God’s eyes, the baby must not be aborted.” It was a Sunday and still warm the day they drove up to Jess’s house for the meeting. When BJ received the phone call from Jess’s father inviting them to come, he was really psyched, hoping that he and Jess could finally talk. There was so much he wanted to get out in the open. BJ and his parents, along with Jess and her parents, all sat in the living room listening attentively.
“I understand that you went to the Caring Pregnancy Center, Jess,” the pastor said. “Did you find it helpful?”
“I think so,” she replied, looking down.
“Have you gained any clarity about what you want to do?”
“Well, I’m not positive,” she said nervously, “but I’m thinking about placing the baby for adoption.”
BJ closed his eyes and sank back in the loveseat.
The pastor leaned in toward him and said, “How about you, my son? What are your feelings on the matter?”
BJ sat up straight and then said, “Well, I guess I was thinking about raising the baby . . . with Jess . . . or if she doesn’t want to be involved . . . by myself.”
“It’s a big decision,” his mother interjected, “and perhaps adoption is the best choice.” She looked at her husband and continued. “However, we told BJ that if he wants to raise the baby and can work things out with Jess, we will help him in any way we can.”
Jess’s parents coiled back in their seats. From the very start, her mother’s protective instincts were on fire. She seemed to be biting her tongue, as if she were ready to lay into BJ, ready to blame him for the whole situation. Because of BJ’s reticence, and the fact that he was still living with his parents at twenty-two, Jess’s parents both thought that his parents were pushing him to raise the baby because they wanted to raise it, and not him. Perhaps they picked up on his mother’s mixed emotions.
The meeting was more for the parents, anyway. After Jess and BJ both said their piece, they took a backseat to them. Their parents, of course, were only trying to do the right thing for their children. It was a tough situation: BJ w
anted to parent, and Jess wanted adoption. This predicament would be challenging for two mature adults who had been married for years and were the best of friends, let alone two young people, seventeen and twenty-two, who barely knew each other and whose parents had their own agendas.
“It would be very difficult for Jess to raise the baby,” Jess’s father interjected. “She’s not at a point in her life where she can take care of a child on her own.” He glanced over at his ex-wife and then added, “Her mother and I are divorced, and I’m not looking to raise a grandchild in my house at this time.”
“It’s a very complicated situation,” the pastor said. “We need to consider everyone’s needs, but most importantly the baby’s.”
“That’s exactly what I’m trying to do . . .” Jess blurted out, “. . . think about the baby.”
“Jess is an athlete,” her mother chimed in, trying to build up her daughter’s case. “Now, her high school athletic career is ruined.”
BJ’s mother could feel her disappointment, knowing how much BJ had also loved participating in school sports, and knowing how much she’d have hated to see him give up something he loved. She felt for Jess’s father, too, who seemed like a nice guy, just trying to clean up the mess he had with his teenage daughter.
Most of all, her heart went out to Jess, who appeared to be a very sweet girl who, unfortunately, had gotten in a mess with her son. BJ’s father felt the same way. They both wondered if she and BJ might be able to work things out, but clearly understood why Jess didn’t feel prepared to raise the baby and respected—even admired—her for it.
