by Brandi Rarus
The boys adore their sister and really watch out for her. Zoe holds her own with them and is right out there with them playing basketball, football, or baseball. She is incredibly outgoing—very much our social butterfly, to use Lois’s description of her as an infant. Our lives are in balance.
Tim is succeeding in his eighth year as vice president of sales at ZVRS, a company that was spun off from Communication Service for the Deaf (CSD). We were so grateful that Tim’s boss allowed Tim to relocate to Austin, so that Zoe could attend the Texas School for the Deaf (TSD).
As the Director of Business Development for CSD, I provide communication solutions for our many customers. These are companies large and small, both nonprofits and Fortune 500 companies that have deaf and hard-of-hearing employees. I believe Austin will be our home for a very long time.
I would like to note that with the closing of so many Deaf Schools around the country these days due to budget cuts, many deaf children are not as fortunate as Zoe and are unable to attend schools such as TSD. The NAD is putting its efforts toward promoting the continuation and strengthening of our Deaf Schools, which is mandated by law.
MILESTONES
In 2008, CSD sold the video portion of the company and launched the new brand name for its products and services—ZVRS—named after Zoe! We are proud! It happened like this. One evening, several of Tim’s colleagues were over for dinner, and I introduced them to Zoe and told them her adoption story. Well, the vice president of marketing was really touched by the story, and the following day, he proposed using the letter “Z” in honor of Zoe, as the company’s logo. They use it as a symbol for deaf people all across America embracing the good life and to encourage deaf children to be whomever they want to be.
I remember thinking how awesome it was that before this book was even published, her story was being told. In fact, a video of Tim, Zoe, and me is on the company’s website, and there’s even a picture of Jess and her parents with Zoe on placement day.
At ten years old, Zoe is a shining light for deaf children growing up in America today—loving herself, her life, and the fact that she is deaf. And that she came to Tim and me through adoption and not through pregnancy makes the whole experience that much more meaningful.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Brandi
Jess Urban: You have given us the most incredible, amazing gift. There are no words I can use to express my gratitude for your choosing Tim and me to be Zoe’s parents. As promised, she will always know you, and as she grows older, I’m sure that she will be grateful for the choices you made out of love for her.
BJ Briggs: Thank you for stepping aside and allowing Zoe to be placed for adoption. We know how much you wanted to raise her. One day, I’m sure that she will come to understand the sacrifice you made.
Bryan Simmering and Sonja Trelstad: You both were the hands that guided Jess through those nine months of pregnancy, helping her to make the tough decision of choosing adoption, knowing that Zoe was your first grandchild. Thank you for that unconditional love.
Dale and Joann Briggs: Thank you for being so welcoming to my family, for the effort you make to remain a part of Zoe’s life. You are the kind of parents to BJ that I hope I am and always will be to Zoe.
Stephane and Sandy Billat: Thank you for being so open to this story being written and for how you loved Zoe. Your difficult choice to relinquish her was what finally brought her home.
Lois and Chuck Strack: We could not have asked for better foster parents! You have been a blessing to so many families and so many children—but especially to Zoe!
Sean Bellanger: Thank you for making Zoe a part of the Z family, and for allowing us to relocate so that she could attend TSD. We are beyond grateful.
Glenn Yeffeth: Our publisher at BenBella Books, thanks for agreeing that Finding Zoe was a story worth telling. Thank You! And thanks to the entire BenBella team.
Rita Barry Corke: A publicist worth millions, thanks for taking on our project with such passion; your wisdom throughout this process has been a guiding light.
To my girlfriends, who have always walked beside me, celebrated my victories, and caught me each time I fell:
Kelly Lange: For being the most positive and accepting of friends. Your nonjudgment of others is a quality I have long admired. Thank you for your graphic work and creativity toward my brand.
Melody Stein: For your love, loyalty, and support and for being such an inspiration. Pizza soon at Mozzeria!
Lisa Dyas: For 40 years of friendship and a lifetime of memories. What fun we had growing up together. I so admire the strong woman you have become.
Ann Marie Mickelson: For being a loving friend, sister, and sounding board—and always an advocate for Zoe. I am as thankful for Zoe’s friendship with Skylar as I am for ours!
Sheila McFarland: Thank you, She, for being my calm in the middle of the storm right before I brought Zoe home. Your support for her, as well as the love I know you have for my sons, is a treasure. It is you who taught me what it means to be a mother of boys.
Naomi McCown: Our gourmet chef turned sign language interpreter! Thank you for being my ears and voice at some of the most significant moments of my life, for the birth of my sons and now for my journey with Finding Zoe. Love you so!
Dr. Patty Hughes, CEO of GLAD (Greater Los Angeles Agency on Deafness): For showing me what a strong Deaf woman can be. I learned so much from your example and wisdom. Thank you for your edits and feedback of this book and for ensuring that all the facts represent our Deaf community with the grace it deserves.
Alex Long: For your edits of “Deaf” and “deaf” . . . whew!
David Rosenbaum: Thank you for being someone I could completely trust to do right by me, for your objectivity, and for your knowledge and understanding of our community.
Nancy Rarus: You were a wealth of information and a resource for so much of our Deaf History. Gramps would be proud. Thank you for your contributions and research.
John Nelson: What can I say? You were a gift to Gail and me, your wisdom our guide to this story unfolding the way it was meant to. Thank you for taking this on, for believing in it, and for your connections in the publishing world.
The folks at Communication Service for the Deaf (CSD): You have been a part of my life for the past twenty years. Ben Soukup: Your support for my “adoption leave” when I first brought Zoe home is still very much appreciated. Chris Soukup: Your flexibility with my work status and schedule so that I could write this book—thank you! I am extremely grateful for the support of the company and for our mission.
Gail Harris: Thank you for taking this project on with such passion and giving it life. This book may be about me, but it is just as much your story. You befriended everyone involved along the way and created a safe place for healing. Thank you for reaffirming our belief that by doing what is right for ourselves, we also do what is right for others. Thank you for sharing my journey of self-acceptance with me and for writing this story, so that Zoe will always know how much she is loved. I know I speak for everyone involved when I say, “Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you!”
My mother, Ann Falk: Thank you for always having my back, supporting me through thick and thin, and being my greatest cheerleader. I love you!
To my dad, Bill Sculthorpe: Whom I have come to know and appreciate as an adult much more than I did as a child. I am so much like you. I love you.
A very special thanks to my Home Team in Austin, Texas.
The Kids—Blake, Chase, Austin, and Zoe: You guys rock! Dad and I want nothing but the very best for you. Go after your dreams.
Tim: You have been an incredible husband and the most amazing father. Thank you for encouraging me to go after my dreams, for your love and support. When I look at Zoe today, she is so your daughter! We are so fortunate to have our family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do and who you are.
Gail
First and foremost I want to thank Brandi Rarus fo
r living such an amazing life and for being such an extraordinary person. Wherever I turned as a writer, jewels and riches abounded. Her openness to dig deep into murky territory, where she had not originally intended to go, lest the entire world go with her, humbles me to the core. How wonderful it is to see her take her rightful place in the world and to be a part of making that happen. This was truly a symbiotic partnership, based on the shared belief that life’s perfection is there for us to capture it, that we must capture it in order to fully live, and that if we don’t, it is truly a shame. I also want to thank Tim Rarus for taking me back with him to that critical time and place in his life and inviting me in—as a student leader at Gallaudet University in 1988 (not that he needed much prodding). What a gift! Tim’s passionate expression using ASL has touched me deeply, and I hope someday to converse with him in his language. Not knowing a single deaf person before working with Brandi and Tim, I found my mind and soul being filled in such brand new ways. Thank you both for introducing me to a world that I never knew existed, yet isn’t at all separate from my own.
I want to thank Jess Urban, Zoe’s birth mother; BJ Briggs, Zoe’s birth father; and Sandy and Stephane Billet, Zoe’s first adoptive parents, for opening up to me about one of the most difficult times in their lives. The questions I asked them weren’t easy, but each gracefully shared their experiences, so that this marvelous story could be told. Their love for Zoe and commitment to follow their own truths, no matter how difficult, is the stuff that great lives (and stories) are made of. To Lois and Chuck Strack, Zoe’s foster parents, thank your for sharing your story about your son, Mark; for facilitating some of the back and forths between myself and Sandy and Stephane; and especially for your wisdom, Lois.
I’d also like to thank Sonia Trelstad, Bryan Simmering, Joann and Dale Briggs, Angie Garman, Ann Falk, Nancy Rarus, Ann Marie Mickelson, and Sheila McFarland for helping me to better understand what really happened and to better understand Brandi.
I could not have written this book without devouring Oliver Sack’s Seeing Voices: A Journey into the World of the Deaf. Most of the facts about Deaf History and Deaf Culture and the Gallaudet Uprising—a good portion of Chapter 3—were taken from what is written there, including his unique perceptions of thought and language as they relate to the deaf. He was the hearing person who really turned me on to Deaf Culture. Other historical facts were taken from Far from the Tree by Andrew Solomon, and additional information about the Gallaudet Protest, not including Tim’s personal experiences, were taken from The Week the World Heard Gallaudet by Jack Gannon. To all three authors, a profound thank you.
Kudos to Becky Koivisto, transcriber spectaculaire, who, for almost two years worked at lightning speed, while sharing with me the profundity of what I had uncovered and validating my hunch that I was truly on to something.
My deepest, deepest thanks go to John Nelson, our premiere genius-of-an-editor and guy with the hugest heart, who helped me to weave together all of the pieces of the story and to trust my instincts. Without him, this book simply would not have happened. Mahalo, John. And to Elisabeth Rinaldi, also the editor of my dreams, who then helped to spin all the hard work we had already accomplished into gold.
A big thank you to my dear friend and editor, Natalie Reid, who helped to edit the prologue in the early stages, and who never lets me settle for writing anything less than the best; to Cynthia Mitchell and Julie McNamee, our copyeditors; and to Barbara Deal and Hal Bennett for their trusted guidance regarding publishing.
I want to thank all of the folks at BenBella Books: to Glenn Yeffeth, our publisher, who fell in love with this story and had to publish it; to Erin Kelley, our editor, and the rest of the BenBella staff with whom I have had the privilege of working. And my sincerest appreciation to Rita Barry Corke, our publicist, for hanging in there with us through thick and thin and giving us her all.
To my friend Margaret Nies, who keeps me sane like no one in the world, and George Jaidar, whose wise teachings allowed me to see the perfection in this story and helps me strive to see it in all stories, especially my own. For that, I am and always will be eternally grateful.
Finally, to Bill and Lucas, who supported me at the dinner table and everywhere else for the past five years while I worked on this project, and listened to me talk about practically nothing else, I thank you with all my heart.
* * *
WE, BRANDI AND GAIL, would also like to thank Robert Sculthorpe and Rich Panico and the folks at Integrated Project Management, Inc. for their generous donations to our Kickstarter.com campaign. It is because of you that our awesome publicity team has been able to get to work.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Brandi Rarus
Deaf since age six after contracting spinal meningitis, Brandi Rarus could speak and read lips but felt caught between the Deaf World and hearing world—fitting into neither. Growing up in the 70s and 80s, when being deaf was still considered a handicap and prejudice was pervasive, Brandi faced great personal struggle. It wasn’t until she reached a turning point, finally realizing you don’t need to hear to live a fulfilled life, that she became empowered with a newfound spirit and was chosen as Miss Deaf America. From signing the National Anthem at a Chicago Cubs game to speaking at corporate conferences, Brandi traveled the country speaking out for deaf children and building awareness of what it means to be deaf.
But that’s not the whole story . . . her dream of becoming a mother was realized when she met and married Tim Rarus, an advocate for deaf people whose work inspired the landmark Americans with Disabilities Act. Together they have paved the way to bring about new technologies that promote equal access in communication. Brandi and Tim live in Austin, Texas, with their four children: three hearing boys and the youngest, Zoe, a deaf girl whom they adopted and who needed to find parents uniquely prepared to help her thrive in a silent world. Today, Brandi and her family are tirelessly dedicated to ensuring that all children like Zoe find their rightful place in our world by shedding light on both the adoption process and the necessity for early intervention with children of different needs.
Gail Harris
Award-winning writer and teacher of the intuitive process, Gail Harris has also experienced the joy of having adopted a child. She brings her knowledge of the adoption process and in vitro fertilization to this book, along with her ability to articulate from a hearing person’s perspective all that is fascinating about the Deaf experience. In the four years that it took to write Finding Zoe, Gail conducted more than seventy-five interviews to uncover, as only she could, the beautiful yet sometimes excruciatingly painful stories behind adoption. Gail is the author of Your Heart Knows the Answer and a featured blogger on several popular parenting blogs. She lives with her husband and son in Framingham, Massachusetts.
RESOURCES
THIS BOOK IS about many things. It is about being deaf, Deaf Culture, and Deaf History. It is about having an unintended pregnancy. It is about adoption and good parenting. It is about making the right choices, no matter how difficult they may be. It is about fulfilling your destiny. It is about coming home to self and family.
There are many resources that we’d like to share with our readers: for those of us who are on a journey of self-discovery; for moms, pregnant teens, or anyone else who is dealing with an unintended pregnancy; for people who are interested in or have been touched by adoption; and for deaf people and hearing people who are connected with the Deaf community or are interested in learning about Deaf Culture and ASL. To keep our information up to date, we have placed this information on our websites. Please visit us at brandirarus.com and gailharrisauthor.com.
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