by Amanda James
‘Who doesn’t? Beats wind and rain any day.’
‘I know it’s weird, but I do love a wild and windy beach. Calms my soul. More characterful than frying on a sun lounger round a pool and breathing in other people’s booze and fart fumes.’ I grin, loving the way I’m provoking Penny, but can’t help it.
Dan laughs. ‘Me too! I get so bored on those bloody all-inclusive holidays Penny makes us take.’
Penny winds her neck back, snorts, and folds her arms. ‘Oh, excuse me, I had no idea you hated them so much.’
‘Hey, I wouldn’t go that far. But I do like something to occupy my mind.’
‘Yes, me too,’ I say. ‘I love the warm weather but I also like to go off exploring on holiday. There’s so much of Cornwall I haven’t even seen properly yet and I’ve been here nearly twenty years.’
‘It’s certainly beautiful.’ Dan’s gaze lingers on my mouth and I excuse myself.
In the Ladies, I look at my flushed face and splash it with cold water. This was so not a good idea. Dan is so obviously attracted to me that even a stranger could see it, let alone his wife. No wonder Penny’s a bit spiky. Once they’ve seen the house they could bugger off because Dan’s attention is unwelcome. Unwelcome because I like it, and that’s both unexpected and dangerous. It’s all to do with the past and being wronged, but then Dan was just as much to blame – why am I attracted to him? He was a shit and still is, probably. In fact, there’s no probably. He’s married to Penny and giving me the come on. Too long without Adam, that’s all it is on my part. Lonely for a hug, a man’s arms. I’m just about to leave when Penny comes in.
‘Think we’re ready to go, if you are.’ Penny reapplies her lipstick, fluffs her hair. ‘I’ll just have a wee and then head to yours, yeah?’
I nod, try not to see the icy chips in my old friend’s glance. ‘Yeah. Has Dan asked for the bill?’
‘All taken care of. Our treat.’
Before I can think better of it I say, ‘You okay? I get the feeling you’d really rather not be here or come to mine. I didn’t suggest it, you know.’
‘Oh, I know. Dan was the eager beaver – was determined to come down here as soon as he saw you again at the reunion.’ Penny sighs and closes the cubicle door. I’m glad because my reflection tells me that my face is the colour of Penny’s lipstick.
‘What do you mean by that?’ I say to the door.
‘That he fancies his chances, wants to get back into your knickers. Isn’t it obvious?’
‘Eh? But he…’ I’m about to say that he never got into my knickers, which would be a lie. But we never actually slept together, as Penny knows, but it’s all a bit academic. Penny’s worried that her husband has the hots for me, and she’s right to be.
‘Oh please. Don’t tell me you can’t see him practically salivating. He’s a randy old dog, always shagging around, and you’re the bitch he’s set on.’ Penny’s voice, though sharp and bitter, trembles on the last few words. She unlocks the door and comes out, tears standing in her eyes.
‘Oh God, Penny. Why did you come down here if you think that?’ Despite everything, I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for her. She looks resigned, weary, beaten.
‘Because he’d have come anyway, and I want to keep a bloody eye on him.’ Penny runs the tap, gives me side eyes. ‘On both of you.’
From nowhere, anger flares in my chest. ‘Now wait a sodding minute. Just because you did the dirty on me years ago, doesn’t mean I’m ready to sink to your level.’ Who the fuck does she think she is?
Penny’s unfazed. ‘You sank pretty low that morning in the school toilets, didn’t you?’ She puts her hands up. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I know I deserved it. And why wouldn’t you try to take him back? I would in your shoes.’ She yanks out too many paper towels and chucks half on the sink.
‘Yeah. Well, I’m not you.’ Thank goodness. How can she say she deserved what I did? She was always too passive. No wonder Dan runs rings round her.
Penny folds her arms, leans against the wall. ‘Miss prim and proper, yeah? If you hadn’t had been back then, you might be the one married to him now. In fact, you would be. Dan told me a few years after we were married that he’d never love me the way he had you. That he’d made a mistake, just because he’d been thinking with his dick instead of his brain.’
My mouth drops open. Fuck. What do I say to that? ‘But that’s horrible… why did he marry you if–’
‘I asked him that. He said he loved me, but just not in the same way as he had you. He knew there was no getting you back. Told me that he’d tried to find you and discovered you were married, had a kid, so no hope there. I didn’t know what to do – it hurt so much, but we muddled along. I tried so hard to make him happy, but he’s had lots of affairs over the years. Thinks I don’t know. You see, Dan has to be in control of every little thing.’ Penny gives a defeated shrug. ‘Of his business – which he’s made a packet in by the way – his life and, of course, his wife. It suits him to have the dutiful wife at home – a nice respectable front to present to his clients, while he does whatever the hell he likes outside the home.’
I’m incredulous. How can she live like that? ‘So why the hell do you stay with him if’
‘Because I love him.’ Penny throws her hands up and lets them fall with a slap to her hips. ‘Same old bloody story. Foolish wife thinks she’ll be able to change her husband. One day he’ll realise that he’s been a bastard, that he’s be sorry.’ Then she steps forward and gives me a huge hug. ‘I can’t tell you how sorry I am for taking him from you. You were my best friend and what I did… it made me sick to my stomach.’ She steps back and dabs at her eyes with a paper towel. ‘But I adored him you see, the first time I laid eyes on him, even before he was your boyfriend. I loved him then, love him now. I’ll always love him, no matter what. Stupid cow, eh? I bet you think I deserve everything I get.’
I do to an extent, but mostly I feel pity and sadness. We look at each other and Penny makes a noise in her throat which sounds a cross between a sob and a yelp. Then her shoulders shake, and she flaps a hand at her face.
I say, ‘Hey, come on. We were best friends, once. Let’s be friends again. I promise you I am not interested in your husband. That was all a very long time ago and Adam was the love of my life, not Dan. You did me a favour, really, because I might never have met him if you hadn’t gone off with Dan.’ I try a smile.
‘Really? Good… but you seemed pretty cosy together just now.’ Penny sighs and tries a smile back.
‘We were just having a laugh – as friends – that’s all there is to it.’ I cross my fingers behind my back.
‘On your part, not on his, believe me.’ Penny’s voice is distant, unbearably sad.
‘Maybe not. But it takes two to tango, and I’m not dancing.’
Penny smiles again and this time it lights up her face. ‘Thank God.’ She takes my hand. ‘Once again, please believe me that I am so, so sorry for betraying your friendship. I honestly hated myself but couldn’t help it… I loved him so much, as I’ve said.’
‘I do believe you. It hurt like hell at the time, but now it’s all so much water under the bridge. And for the record, I am so, so sorry about what I did to you… Can we be friends? We had some great times, didn’t we?’
‘The best. And it’s forgotten; we’re even.’
Really? Not sure I could forget something like that. I wonder if she still has a little round scar on her back. Then I drop Penny’s hand and dab at my eyes. ‘Right, come on, Dan will think we’ve gone to my house without him.’ I cock my head to one side, look at Penny through the mirror. ‘You know, I could make an excuse – say there’s a reason why you can’t come after all?’
‘No. He’ll whine and beg. Best get it over with. And now I know that he’s not going to get anywhere with you, I’d love to see your place! I adore Cornwall and the idea of living near the beach.’
I laugh. ‘You said you couldn’t see why anyone would want to, and
–’
‘Yeah, I lied.’
The two of us crack up laughing and suddenly it feels as if we’re girls again, and all the recriminations between us and the years apart have melted away.
6
‘You weren’t joking when you said this place was special!’ Dan paces between the kitchen, balcony, living room and back, excitement flushing his face. ‘My God, what I wouldn’t give to live here!’
‘I’m not selling, I’m afraid,’ I say with a little laugh and place a tray of coffee on the kitchen table. I probably should, given my circumstances, but it’s not happening.
Penny shakes her head at Dan as if he’s a toddler asking for ice cream. ‘Even if Sam was selling, we can’t afford it – money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.’
Dan stops pacing and glowers. ‘I know that. Just saying.’
Penny picks up a mug and sips her drink. ‘It is stunning though, Sam. You’re very lucky. I bet getting up on a summer’s morning and looking at the sea from your balcony never gets old.’
‘No, it never does. Though summer bypassed me this year without my Adam to share it with.’ The ‘very lucky’ comment was really insensitive to my mind and I couldn’t let it pass.
‘God, of course not. I didn’t think.’
I say not to worry and remind myself that it’s only me who remembers the pain of Adam’s loss every waking moment. Dan’s been given free rein of the place and can be heard oohing and ahhing from one of the bedrooms. Then I think I hear him go outside. I lower my voice and lean forward across the table to Penny. ‘I can make an excuse about going to see my grandson when we’ve finished the coffee if you like, and you can get off.’
Penny shakes her head. ‘That’s okay. I’m enjoying being here… and what I wouldn’t give to have children, a grandchild…’
I might be about to be talk out of turn, but I do wonder about the spat Penny and Dan had at the reunion when children were mentioned. ‘It must be hard, Pen. Why didn’t Dan want kids?’
Penny shrugs. ‘He just said he didn’t want them, cost a fortune and restricted what we could do.’ She snorts. ‘What he could do more like. He knew early on I wanted kids, but always kept saying not yet. Then after we’d been together ten years or so, he had a vasectomy without my knowledge. It was the closest I came to leaving him.’
There are a few choice words waiting on my tongue, but if I say them I’ll go into a rant. What a complete bastard! And Penny must have been a bloody fool to stay after that. She is such a pushover. ‘I can hardly believe it. So cruel.’
‘Yes. Dan could have as many women as he liked after that, no worries of getting them pregnant.’
I grip my coffee mug and try to keep calm. Penny used to be such a self-assured confident girl, before she slept with Dan. That changed her, somehow – she never fought back when I got my revenge, and now? Where was her self-respect? She’s become a doormat, a lapdog.
‘I know what you’re thinking.’ Penny gives a sad little smile. ‘How can I live like this? But it’s simple, I hate what he’s done to me, but I can’t live without him.’
‘You’d get used to it.’ I know my voice is harsh, but maybe it’s what Penny needs – some home truths. Some poor women have limited choice when they have a swine for a husband – the refuge or put up with it, but Penny must have grounds for a successful divorce. Hadn’t she said the other week that Dan had made a mint?
Penny gives me an intense look, shakes her head. ‘No. No I wouldn’t get used to it. I would actually die without him, and I’m not joking.’
A shiver runs down the length of my spine, but before I can reply, Dan bursts in like an over-excited puppy. ‘This house is perfect for a small guest house. A few tweaks to the décor and maybe a little extension and Bob’s your uncle.’
I raise my eyebrows. ‘That’s just what Adam used to say.’
‘We’re in the same game really. Or was, in his case… him being an architect, me a developer. It’s obvious what the best use for this house is.’
‘I beg to differ. It’s my home.’
‘Of course it is. But your living quarters could be separate – you’d still have your privacy.’
‘Get real, love,’ Penny says. ‘How could she have her privacy and run a guest house?’
‘And why would I want to?’
Dan’s face falls and he joins us at the table. ‘Hmm, I suppose I’m just saying what I would do if I were you. I’m forgetting you must be well provided for – you don’t work, after all. Mortgage all paid for, I assume?’
Penny slaps his arm. ‘Dan! It’s rude to ask such personal questions.’
It bloody well is, and there’s no way I’m telling him the truth. ‘You assume right. And I do work. Writing is work.’
Dan looks as if I’ve made a joke then makes his face straight. ‘Oh yeah, course it is.’ He looks away and then back, with the excited puppy expression. ‘Tell you what a better idea would be than a guest house.’ Penny and I glance at each other and roll our eyes. ‘A writer’s retreat! One of my mates worked on one in the Lakes not long back. Writers go and stay for a few days, recharge their batteries, meet like-minded people, get ideas, do some writing and have a great time. This place is ideal for one of those.’
Hasn’t he been listening? I’ve had enough. ‘Yes, I know what a writer’s retreat is, but, for goodness’ sake, Dan, this is my home. Can we change the subject?’
He puts his hands up. ‘Never mind. Just an idea.’ Then drains his coffee and steps out onto the balcony, points at some houses on the cliff opposite. ‘Any holiday cottages up there?’
I lean my forehead against the cool of the door’s glass after I close it behind Penny and Dan, and exhale a long sigh of relief. They were only here an hour, but it feels like three. Being polite and holding my tongue has drained me, and I need a lie down. Being with Dan in exuberant mode is like being caught in a whirlwind. He was just the same as a young man, but then I found it exciting. Now I find him ridiculously annoying most of the time. Any spark of attraction I’d felt in the restaurant has been doused. It doesn’t help knowing what a shit he was, and had been for years. Poor Penny.
I put the cups in the dishwasher and think about the conversation with my old friend. Yes, Dan was a shit and no mistake about it, but then Penny must shoulder some of the blame, surely? She has indulged him from the off and let him do whatever the hell he liked. Even knows about his affairs but won’t confront him. Where is her pride? The look in her eyes when she’d said that she would actually die without him scared me. What exactly did that mean? I shudder and put it out of my mind. I’d agreed to meet once more – Penny’s suggestion – because she wanted to meet Helena and little Adam before they went back up north. The rest of this week would be spent looking for holiday cottages, but they’d go back early the week after and pop in to visit on their way home. Sorry as I feel for Penny, with any luck they wouldn’t find a cottage and that would be the last I’d ever see of them.
Right. I can’t put this off any longer. I pick up my phone to call Naomi, my old boss, and arrange to meet. I need that job, and fast.
7
‘I can’t wait to see your old boyfriend. It feels weird realising you were a fun young person with boyfriends before you were a mother and wife.’
I turn from the sea and catch my daughter’s mischievous smile and cheeky twinkle. ‘I see. So, when you become a mother and wife, you become old and boring?’
‘No, just you, Mum. I’ll always be young and exciting, even though I’m married with a child.’
I pretend to clip her across the head and then slip my arm through Helena’s, as we walk up the beach towards The Catch café. Adam looks down at me from his perch in the carrier on his mum’s back and dribbles from a gummy smile. ‘You are so cute I could eat you, young man.’ I laugh and dab at his mouth with a tissue. ‘Oh look, you’ve dribbled all over your mummy’s hair. Serves her right for being a cheeky monkey.’
‘Baby dribble is th
e new conditioner, don’t you know?’ Helena says with a smile. Then she sighs. ‘This Dan. Is he really as horrible as Penny’s making out, do you think?’
‘I have no reason to think otherwise.’
Helena stops and puts her head on one side. ‘I have.’
‘What do you mean?’ I wrest a hank of windswept hair from my eyes.
‘She might be so scared of losing him to you that she’s made the whole thing up about his affairs. Not thought about that one, have you, Ma?’
‘I can’t see that…’ I shake my head and make to set off again, but Helena puts her hand on my arm.
‘Think about it. She lied and did the dirty on you all those years ago, she must be terrified of losing him to you now. You – a much prettier and nicer person than she is. You said it was obvious he was attracted to you at lunch that day. Makes sense for her to lie again.’
‘Hmm. She seemed pretty honest when she was upset in the Ladies. You can’t fake that kind of crying, can you?’ I decide not to tell my daughter that Penny revealed Dan had said he’d always loved me more than his wife.
Helena snorts and sets off again. ‘You’re so trusting and naïve. No wonder you didn’t see it coming all those years ago.’
That rankles. Does Helena think I’m dumb? ‘I try to take people at face value and believe what they say,’ I call after her.
Over her shoulder she says, ‘Of course you do, and I wouldn’t have you any other way. I’m just saying don’t take everything Penny tells you as gospel.’
I catch up to her and we walk on in silence for a bit then Helena says, ‘I’m a pretty good judge of character. I’ll know if he’s a shit or not in five minutes flat.’
I very much doubt that. ‘Right, course you will. Anyway, after today I’m hoping they’ll bugger off back to Sheffield and that will be it.’
‘Not if they’ve managed to get a holiday cottage. Must have some dosh.’
