by Amanda James
I nod but feel uncomfortable. It’s as if he’s assuming the host’s role and that would be like a red rag to Penny. ‘Yes, but don’t worry, I’ll get–’
‘I’ll help,’ say Felicity and Penny at the same time and then they burst out laughing. Jack jumps up too and starts to clear away the plates. In the end, there are too many bodies in the kitchen, but it’s better than just Dan’s.
The lasagne was a triumph according to Dan and everyone agreed, and my strawberry pavlova and clotted cream went down equally well. Felicity had said it was the best she’d ever tasted, and now we’re in the living room with coffee and brandy. Listening to the buzz of two or three conversations around the room, I swirl my brandy glass and wonder if I’ve already had too much. I try to remember how many glasses of wine I had during dinner and think it was three… yes, and with this bucket of brandy too, hmm. Never mind, you only live once. I kick off my heels and tip the recliner back.
‘Hey, look at our hostess relaxing there. Don’t you have washing-up to do?’ Dan asks with a laugh.
‘That’s your job, mate,’ Jack says, grinning but I see little humour in his eyes.
‘I don’t mind mucking in, young Jack,’ Dan replies, an edge to his voice.
‘Let’s not worry about that now,’ Naomi says. ‘Do tell us what you’re writing at the moment, Sam. I seem to remember the other week you saying it was a suspense?’
I feel my cheeks burning as all turn expectant eyes my way. ‘I don’t think everyone wants to hear about that.’
‘Yes we do!’ Felicity says, leaning forward on the sofa. ‘Jack’s told me all about your books and I downloaded your latest on my Kindle yesterday. I’ve read the first chapter and it’s really very good.’
This is music to my ears, but I still feel a bit self-conscious. ‘Thanks so much, Felicity. It’s great when people tell me they enjoy my work.’
‘So what’s the new one about then? Any juicy murders in it?’ Dan asks.
This makes me laugh. ‘Funny you should say that because I planned a murder scene only the other week.’ Inspired by your paranoid wife’s phone call. I glance at Penny – thankful she can’t read thoughts.
‘Come on, spill it, Mum,’ Helena says, leaning her head on Carl’s shoulder.
‘I can’t say too much in case you all want to read it!’
‘But you don’t have to say who murders who… or should that be whom?’ Jack puzzles.
‘Okay, okay. One character murders another and makes it look like suicide. Without them knowing, this character puts drugs in the other’s drink – antidepressants, sleeping tablets etc, and then they go swimming at midnight in the sea. Once the drugs take hold, the baddie slits the wrists of this character and he or she drowns.’ I notice Penny’s look of distaste, but see the others are intrigued and hurry on. ‘It’s not gory, though, in fact the death scene is quite beautiful.’ I ruffle my hair and out comes a rather self-conscious laugh. ‘Well, I hope it is. As the character is dying, he or she is floating in the ocean looking up at the stars, drowsy but content, contemplating the beauty of the universe.’
‘What, with their wrists slashed? They’d be howling in pain and thrashing about, wouldn’t they?’ Naomi says, nudging Dan with a wink as if she’s making some hilarious point.
‘Actually no, I researched it carefully. The character wouldn’t be in much discomfort as the water dulls the pain, and they’d bleed out quickly.’
‘Yeah, but they’d feel the pain in cold water. It’s not as if they were in a bath tub, is it?’ Naomi sticks her chin out.
What the hell’s the matter with her? I’m about to reply that they’d be too far gone to do much about it anyway, when Dan says, ‘You researched it on your computer?’
‘Yes,’ I say stiffly. Is he going to start interrogating me now?
‘Right,’ he says and shuffles away from Naomi a little, who’s leaning against him. ‘Let’s hope you don’t get in trouble with the law then and they take your laptop. Nice history – drugging, slitting wrists, drowning.’ He laughs, and everyone joins in. I’m grateful he’s lightened the atmosphere.
‘Also, you said suicide. Wouldn’t there be a note? The killer hasn’t thought about that have they?’ Naomi’s slurring and seems up for a fight.
I shrug. ‘You’ll just have to wait and see when you read the book. Anyone for more coffee?’ I look pointedly at my ex-boss.
In the bathroom half an hour later, I’m hoping my guests will be on their way shortly. I’m tired and want the house to myself again. It’s been a nice evening, apart from Naomi’s comments, but it’s almost ten thirty and I need some sleep, so I can be fresh for writing tomorrow. I step out of the bathroom, and bang slap into Dan who’s standing there outside the door.
‘Bloody hell, Dan! You frightened the life out of me,’ I say, pressing my back against the wall to put some distance between us. Difficult with him standing so close. He smells gorgeous and he’s got that old look in his dark eyes. My body responds to his nearness and I fold my arms across my breasts.
‘I wasn’t sure if anyone was in there. I just put my ear to the door when you came out,’ he says, tracing a finger along my cheekbone and giving a slow smile.
‘Yes, it’s free now.’ I push his hand away and try to get past him, but he moves closer.
‘Don’t you realise what you do to me? I can hardly breathe when I’m near you.’ Dan puts his arm around my waist, pulls me to him and nuzzles my neck.
The sensible thing to do is slap him or knee him in the bollocks, but I’m all out of sensible as his mouth comes down on mine. An all-consuming passion overtakes me and I kiss him back, hungry for more as I feel his erection pressing against my groin. Then Helena shouts up the stairs and the spell is broken.
‘For God’s sake, Dan, stop.’ I push him away and hurry along the corridor. From the top of the stairs I see my daughter’s face peeping round the banisters. ‘Yes, love?’
‘Just to say me and Carl are thinking of staying over, if that’s okay? Adam is so peaceful in your room – we’ll put the travel cot up.’
‘Of course, that will be best. No point in disturbing him. And–’
Helena waves a hand at me as Carl calls from the living room and she hurries away.
I nearly fall down the stairs when I feel Dan’s arms go around my waist from behind and then he plants hot kisses along my neck. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I hiss, turning around and giving him a shove.
‘What you want me to do. What we both want to do.’ He tries to pull me into his arms again, but I slap his hands away.
‘Your wife’s just down there, have you gone mad? And this can’t happen, Dan. Do you hear me? Can. Not.’ My voice is barely a whisper, but my anger is loud and clear.
Dan doesn’t seem to notice though as he takes my hand and kisses it. ‘I love you, Sam, always have. I want to look after you. Make sure that you’re never unhappy again. My heart ached for you the other day when Penny told me about the antidepressants–’
What? I’ll swing for bloody Penny! ‘That was supposed to be confidential! And stop all this love shit. I’m going downstairs right now, and things will be back to normal between us. If it isn’t, this fucking retreat won’t happen. I know we have legalised everything, but if you so much as come near me again…’ The hurt in his eyes is killing me, and I’ve no clue how to continue, so I turn and run downstairs. He calls my name, but I ignore him.
Penny looks up from the sofa, suspicion in her eyes. ‘Is Dan up there?’
I avoid her gaze, pick up some empty cups and say to the floor, ‘Yes, I came out of the bathroom and he went in. Then I checked on Adam.’ Damn it. Why had I said that? It’s as if I’m trying to justify my absence. And I’m lying my head off. I take the cups into the kitchen and hope Penny’s satisfied.
Jack follows me in. ‘Me and Fliss are in the room down the corridor, right?’ he says, draping his arm around my shoulders as I run hot water into the lasagne dish.
My heart’s pounding, and I try to put what Dan and I have just been doing out of my mind. ‘Yes, that’s right. It’s been lovely to meet her at last. I think she’s just perfect.’ My voice comes out in a rush, sounds squeaky, unnatural.
‘Good. She likes you too.’ Jack kisses my cheek and I can feel his eyes on my flushed face. ‘You okay, Mum?’
‘Yeah, just a bit tired, that’s all. It’s the first dinner party I’ve done all by myself. Think it went well though.’ My voice sounds more normal now. Good.
‘It did,’ Jack says, stepping to the side and leaning against the counter to watch me scrub at the dish. I give him side eyes and think he looks a bit suspicious, but that’s daft. He was down here while I was upstairs with Dan. He sighs. ‘Leave that ’til morning, it will soak off overnight.’
I push my hair back with a soapy hand and look directly at my son. My heart twists as he reminds me so much of his dad. ‘When did you become an expert on washing-up?’ I smile and flick soap suds at him.
‘I learned from the master, or should I say mistress. You were a good teacher, Ma. Not just in washing-up either.’
His serious grey eyes are full of love and respect and I swallow a knot of emotion. Drying my hands on a tea towel, I say, ‘I did my best.’
‘Yep. And you’ve hung on to this place too. Not an easy task.’ Jack folds his arms and inclines his head to the living room where Dan’s talking about his new car. ‘Shame you had to involve Knob Head though.’
‘Nice new name for him.’ I pull a face. ‘You don’t like him much, do you? I noticed at dinner.’
‘Not one bit. He’s just so up himself, false, arrogant, pompous. I’m just sorry that you seem to like him more than you should… Thank God you didn’t stay with him when you were a kid. I would rather poke my eyes out than have him for a dad.’
I turn away to hide the tide of red seeping up my face and thankfully I’m saved from further comment as Penny comes in and says that she and Dan are leaving. She’s the designated driver and has offered to drop Naomi home too. She was going to get a taxi but Penny figures that I will want to get to bed pretty soon and a taxi might take a while. Hugely relieved, I thank her and see them to the door. I’m careful to avoid Dan’s eyes and turn slightly at the last minute to stop him planting a goodnight kiss on my cheek as they leave.
Alone in my bed at last, I heave a sigh and punch the pillow. What the hell had I been thinking? Yes, he’d made the first move, but I hadn’t needed much encouragement. There was the booze factor, yes, but it wasn’t much to blame, if I am totally honest. I’d wanted Dan, plain and simple. I’ve also been kidding myself these past months that I didn’t. Even though Dan might be all or some of the things that Jack had called him, and my head is over him, my heart is apparently treacherous. And what did Jack mean by that comment – I like him more than was good for me? I hadn’t showed it, had I?
Closing my eyes, I vow to stick to my word and keep him at a distance because if I don’t, my whole life will go tits up. Dan is bad for me. I’m just lonely, that’s all. The bed’s too big and his arms are familiar. Hearing him say that he loved me threw me a bit, to say the least. It’s been a long time since I heard those words. I turn out the light and snuggle down. Tomorrow’s another day and I’ll try my best to forget this disastrous evening ever happened. If Dan won’t do the same, then he’ll be sorry.
10
The end of August brings temperatures hotter than we’d enjoyed for most of the summer, a new hot tub in the grounds, and the building of the retreat. Dan had organised the last two, and in a few hours he’s throwing a barbecue and celebration party for friends and local business people, most of whom I don’t know. I’d invited everyone who was at the dinner party last month and a few friends – mostly ex-work colleagues and neighbours.
Mainly though, this was Dan’s baby and he’d organised the caterers and a couple of chefs to man the barbecue. There will be flyers, vouchers and a raffle with wonderful prizes, three of which is a two-day stay at the retreat when it opens properly in December. For now, it has bare plaster walls and basic plumbing and electrics, but there is much to do before it’s ready to welcome guests. That aside, the aim of the whole evening is to celebrate the new venture and to engage the local business community in its promotion. I walk outside to take a look and I have to admit I’m impressed how quick the retreat has gone up. Dan’s skilful crew worked quickly and efficiently, and the overall effect of the Cornish stone low-rise structure is stunning.
Tracing my fingers along the wall, I have to shut down thoughts of how much Adam would have loved it. It was a year last week since he passed, and I chose to mark it by walking his favourite cliff path. Helena asked if she should come, but I wanted to be alone with his memory. I laughed and cried as I walked and cursed the night I’d let Dan come too close.
Since the disastrous evening, Dan had been the perfect gentleman, even a bit distant, which, although odd, was better than the alternative. Penny had even asked if we’d had a row the other week because of his behaviour. I’d said that he was just busy and had his mind on the job. It had been tempting to say that I should have a row with Penny for blabbing about my antidepressants, but I’d kept quiet. I’d have to let on that Dan had mentioned it to me, and then that would potentially open up a whole can of worms about when he’d talked to me about it and why.
At first, when the celebration party was mooted, I had been less than enthusiastic, but I’m looking forward to it. Things are okay with Dan, well apart from his aloofness, and I’m beginning to like the idea of guests at the retreat needing my help and advice. December guests sitting round the roaring log fire – a central feature of the retreat – sipping eggnog and discussing books is my idea of heaven. The new novel is on the way to being finished and I think it’s shaping up to be my best yet. Now and then my treacherous heart catches me unaware when Dan pops round, but my head ignores it. It’s perfectly rational that I have the hots for him, we have history, he’s good-looking and I’m not an old woman yet. I miss the sex and intimacy I had with Adam, that’s all. One day I might find someone else, but right now I’ll concentrate on my new venture and writing.
‘This party is amazing!’ Alison, my friend from the library, says giving me a hug and nearly spills half a glass of red over my new white dress in the process.
‘Hey steady on, Ali!’ I giggle and guide her over to the newly built dry-stone wall edging the garden. I set my own and Alison’s glass on a flat bit and take a breath of salt air. I feel squiffy already, but I’ve only had two small Proseccos. Oh no, actually, three, Dan topped my glass up. Dan’s been helping the waiters keep everyone topped up, so he can strike up conversations about the retreat. There’s no denying it, he knows how to work a room.
‘Have I ever told you how bloody lucky you are to have this place?’ Alison says, spreading her arms. ‘And just look at this view!’
I nod and look out at a passing boat on the Atlantic, its red and green lights winking in the sunset. ‘You have. And I am. Now I have a great retreat to run too.’
‘And you’re beautiful and slim. It’s just not fair.’ Alison pouts and fluffs her blonde bob.
Alison is pretty enough, ten years younger, and is fishing for compliments I think. ‘Says Alison the drop dead gorgeous one.’
‘Who’s dropping dead?’ Penny says, wandering over.
I introduce her, and we talk about the retreat, the unusually warm weather – though there is a nip in the air now – and to my slight embarrassment, how gorgeous I look.
‘You see I could never wear a tight white dress like that,’ Alison says. ‘There are too many rolls of fat around my middle.’
Penny and I look at Alison’s middle and frown. She must be a size ten at the most. Penny clears her throat and pulls her jacket over her own stomach. I change the subject.
‘How’s the library nowadays?’
‘Boring without you. I’m still the part-time lowly assistant and general dogsbod
y. Naomi is okay, but you can’t have a laugh with her.’ Alison glances over her shoulder to check where her boss is. She’s chatting to Dan, though Dan looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. ‘Hmm, who’s the guy she’s talking to? I wouldn’t mind a bit–’
‘That’s Penny’s husband,’ I say quickly.
‘Really?’ Alison says a touch of incredulity in her voice and not in the least embarrassed.
‘Not surprised you’re shocked. Why would he want me, eh? He’s all over Sam like a rash. Still loves her. He’d leave me like a shot if she’d have him.’ Penny’s voice is full of bitterness and Alison’s agog.
‘Really?’ She raises an eyebrow at me.
‘For God’s sake, Penny, let it drop. I keep telling you it isn’t true! There’s nothing going on and I’ve so had enough of listening to it.’ I lower my voice at the end, but a few guests have turned to look. Damn it. Penny really knows how to push my buttons.
‘Dear oh dear…’ Alison taps her red nails on the stem of her glass, a glint in her eye, clearly enjoying the spectacle. ‘Right, I’m off for another refill, ladies.’ She gives Penny a wink. ‘Might try my luck with Dan while I’m there.’
There’s an awkward silence as we watch her walk away. I want to apologise but I’m getting fed up with Penny’s constant harping on. ‘Ali can be a bit blunt, but her heart’s in the right place,’ I venture.
‘Yeah, well I think she’s a right little madam and I’ve only known her five minutes.’ Penny drains her glass and pouts. ‘But then what can you do? Dan attracts women like flies round shit. I ought to be grateful he’s still with me.’
‘Now don’t start that again. You’re lovely. And sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you…’
‘Me? Lovely? Kind, but untrue. And I’d have snapped at me too. I need to keep things to myself more. No wonder I don’t have many real friends.’
