by Belle, Jove
Simone showered and dressed in a smart, sexy suit that made Abby want to undress her again. The closer Simone got to leaving for work, the further she moved away from Abby. By the time they left her apartment, Simone was a closed door to Abby. The fire that had been surface level earlier was so deeply buried, Abby questioned if it’d ever really been there.
Simone held the door open for Abby but wouldn’t look her in the eye. Abby stopped and put her hand on Simone’s arm. “Can I see you again?”
Simone’s smile was small and controlled. “I’ll call you.”
Chapter Seven
Simone didn’t even wait for the door to close behind her before she started talking. “I saw her again.”
“Oh?” Dr. Donovan collected his tablet and pencil. He started writing notes as he settled into his seat. “How did that go?”
Simone sank into the couch. She didn’t even try to hold herself upright. “I don’t know.”
Dr. Donovan stared at her, his pencil poised over the paper.
“She was at the Christmas party with her not-boyfriend again. I left as soon as they arrived, but she called my house.”
“You answered?”
She’d told Dr. Donovan about the string of unanswered phone calls.
“I didn’t realize it was her. I’d just walked in the door and didn’t check caller ID.” Prior to that, Abby had always called her cell phone. It hadn’t even occurred to her that it might be Abby calling her home phone.
“What did you do when you figured it out?”
“We…talked.” She’d have to disclose what they talked about at some point, but she’d opened with fucking against the car a few visits ago and gotten no response. There was no reason to lead with phone sex this time around.
“About?”
She laughed dryly. “Sex. I think she called just to get off.”
“Do you really?”
It had definitely been the end result of their conversation, but had that been Abby’s only goal?
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
“I see.”
Simone shifted in her seat, and the leather creaked as she moved. “Can’t you just skip the head-shrinking bullshit and tell me what to do?” She knew the answer but had to ask. Dr. Donovan was the smartest man she’d ever met. He had to have some insights into her fucked-up-ness. If he didn’t, she was right and properly screwed.
He stared at her a long time, then eventually set the tablet and pencil on the table between them.
“I think you need to decide how you feel about her and what you want to do about it.”
She started to speak and then stopped. She shook her head and tried again. “I really have no idea.”
“You have a deeply connected link between sex and power and love. The three are tightly interwoven for you, more so than average. That’s neither good nor bad, but it is insightful. You’ve taken certain actions with Abby. With that correlation in mind, what do you think those actions mean?”
“I don’t understand.”
“When you had sex, was it the same as with other women? Or was it different? Did you demand control like you normally do?”
Simone suspected Dr. Donovan already knew the answer, which was good. She wasn’t prepared to tell him that she’d dropped to her knees willingly and without being made to submit. She’d allowed Abby to fuck her mouth, practically begged her to do it. And then she’d fucking snuggled afterward. Snuggled!
She’d tied her up and fucked her the next morning just to prove to herself that she could. It’d been more about reclaiming herself than claiming Abby.
“You don’t have to answer that, Simone, but you do need to think about the answer.”
“But none of that matters if I can’t trust her.”
“Are you sure it really bothers you?”
“Of course it does. Honesty is important to me.”
“Let me ask a different way. Are you sure you haven’t grabbed onto this as a point of contention, as a way of drawing a metaphorical line in the sand? Are you sure it’s not just a distraction to keep you from evaluating how you really feel?”
Simone spent the remainder of her visit staring at him. Not out of defiance as she’d done in the past, but rather because she had no idea what to say.
She had no idea how she felt about Abby beyond the knowledge that the woman commanded all her attention whether she was in the room or not. Was that an emotion or an obsession?
Chapter Eight
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Gavin asked the question for the fiftieth time, and if he didn’t hand over his phone soon, Abby was going to snatch it from him and clobber him over the head with it.
“For the love of God, Gavin. Give me the damn phone already.” Through an act of extreme effort, Abby didn’t yell. Gavin had questioned her because he loved her. He wasn’t trying to stand between her and true love. At least that’s what she told herself.
Not to mention the true-love bit was a stretch. It’d been two weeks since she’d seen Simone. The last thing Simone had said to Abby as she showed her the door the next morning was, “I’ll call you.” It was too clichéd for words. No matter how hard she tried, the total radio silence hurt Abby’s feelings.
“I know, but she said she’d call.” Gavin spoke kindly, patiently, but it didn’t curb Abby’s desire to club him if he didn’t stop trying to protect her. Gavin smiled and said, “Don’t you think she’d do that if she wanted to see you?”
Abby understood the words Gavin was saying. She’d said them to herself over and over. And she believed them enough to keep her from calling Simone before now. This morning she’d reached her breaking point. She was tired of being a stupid, afraid little girl. She wanted Simone, and instead of going and getting her, she was sitting by like a princess waiting to be rescued. It was time for her to rescue herself. If she was lucky, then Simone would agree to be a part of that. If not, she’d move on. This was it. Make or break for their relationship. She was done waiting.
Abby looked out the glass wall that encased Gavin’s office. She had a clear view of Simone at work in her office on the other side of the bullpen. Simone leaned into her computer, elbow on the desk, fingertips pressed to her temple. Deep lines creased the middle of her brow. Whatever she was reading wasn’t making her happy. Abby wanted to talk to her, but she wasn’t quite brave enough to take the few steps from Gavin’s office to Simone’s. The phone was the next-best option.
“Gavin. For the last fucking time, I’m sure. Dial the number.” Abby bit out the words. Gavin had frustrated her to the point where her mood matched Simone’s.
“As long as you’re sure.” Gavin dialed the number and turned over his office phone.
“Privacy?” Abby knew she was pushing her luck, but damnit, Gavin owed her for years of playing the happy, devoted girlfriend. You’d think a girl could get a little sex in exchange for that.
Gavin shook his head and walked out of the office right as Simone picked up.
“Simone Davies.” Simone looked across into Gavin’s office a half second after the greeting. “Abby.” She whispered the name.
“Hi, Simone.” Now that Abby had her on the line, she couldn’t remember what to say. She’d outlined an entire script, but it escaped her in the moment.
“What are you doing?” The momentary softness in Simone’s voice disappeared.
“You didn’t call.” Perfect. Abby sounded like a jilted lover, exactly what she didn’t want.
“Abby. I wanted…” Simone sighed and shook her head. “I’m at work.”
“So you wanted to call?” And now she sounded like the clingy girlfriend.
“I can’t do this.” Simone moved to hang up.
“Wait!” Abby yelled loud enough that Simone probably heard her through the glass walls, as well as the phone.
Simone put the phone up to her ear again but didn’t speak. She looked pointedly at Abby. She was not amused.
“I don’t understand what the pr
oblem is. You know he’s not really my boyfriend. I’m single. You’re single. We’re great together. What’s holding you back?” Abby spoke in a rush. She’d convinced Simone to listen, and she didn’t want to waste the opportunity.
“You really don’t get it, do you?” Simone stared at Abby, her eyes hard and angry.
“Tell me. Whatever you need. I’ll do it.”
Simone pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose and muttered under her breath. When she met Abby’s gaze again, she spoke clearly and carefully. “You really want to do this? Here? Where I work. Where Gavin works?”
“You’ve given me no choice.” That wasn’t entirely true. Abby could have gone to Simone’s house again. In fact, she had. She’d sat in her car across the street for almost an hour. Ultimately, she’d driven home without knocking on Simone’s door. At the time, it’d seemed more important that Simone chase her for a change. Now that logic just seemed silly.
“Fine. You lie.”
“What? No. I haven’t lied to you.” Abby hesitated. She’d lied to Simone routinely in high school, but surely Simone was able to get past that. It’d been a full decade since graduation. Abby had grown since then, changed for the better. Simone had to see that.
“Maybe.”
“Simone, you have to believe me.”
“Okay, I believe you. You haven’t lied to me recently. But that doesn’t change anything.”
The relief Abby felt when Simone agreed was destroyed by her next sentence. A sinking feeling settled in her chest.
“What do you mean?” It took a couple of tries, but Abby finally forced the words out. Simone looked far too calm, like she wasn’t about to tear Abby apart from the inside out.
“If you’re not lying to me, that means that you’re lying to every other single person in this firm. Either way, you’re lying to someone.”
“He’s my friend, Simone. I help my friends.”
“Then Gavin’s lucky to have you.”
“What about you?” They could see one another, but two layers of glass and a multitude of office activity obscured the view. It felt like they were much farther apart.
“What about me?”
“You have me.” Whether Simone wanted her or not, Abby belonged to her. “Are you lucky?”
“I don’t.” Simone’s voice trembled slightly, but otherwise she looked and sounded unaffected. “I don’t have you. I can’t. I don’t trust you, Abby. It’s that simple.”
“Simone, please.” Abby was out of words. Her heart was breaking. “Let me try. One date. Just let me see you. Please.”
“Good-bye, Abby.” Simone held up her hand, and Abby wasn’t sure if she was signaling Abby to stop or if it was an aborted attempt to wave. Simone hung up the phone.
Abby held the handset to her ear and listened to the dial tone. She started crying and couldn’t stop. Tears slid silently down her face as she watched Simone return to her work.
Gavin stood just outside the door. He smiled and asked, “How did it go?”
“Not great.” Abby sniffled.
“What happened?”
“She doesn’t trust me.”
“Oh, honey.” Gavin wrapped her in a hug. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s over.” Abby wiped her eyes with a tissue Gavin supplied. She was done crying when Simone didn’t care enough to even stop working. She’d begged and it clearly wasn’t enough. Now it was time to get on with the moving on. Besides, she could cry later, without an audience.
“Come on. I’m taking you to lunch.” Gavin guided her to the elevator with his arm snug around her shoulders. And as good as it felt to have him on her side, she couldn’t silence the voice that lived inside that sinking feeling as it whispered it was a mistake. Every time she acted the part of Gavin’s devoted girlfriend, she galvanized herself as a liar in Simone’s eyes.
Abby glanced toward Simone’s office one last time while she waited for the elevator. Simone didn’t look up from her work.
*
Gavin knocked on Simone’s open office door and said, “You have a minute?”
Fucking perfect. She’d told his not-girlfriend that she couldn’t see her again, and now Gavin decided to visit. How polite did she need to be? Whatever he was about to say, she was certain, would cross professional boundaries but could have a profound impact on her career nonetheless.
“Yes, of course.” Simone smiled as she stood and gestured to the open chair. If they were going to talk, she preferred to do it seated like civilized people.
Gavin nodded, tightly and succinctly, and closed the door behind himself. Apparently he preferred to keep their conversation private as well. He sat in the offered chair and spent a few moments inspecting his cuticles. From Simone’s vantage point, they looked perfectly manicured.
Simone reclaimed her own seat and resisted the urge to rush into the conversation. Waiting for Gavin to speak first was the only smart play. If she was patient, eventually he’d say whatever he came to say.
Eventually, Gavin raised his eyes to meet Simone’s gaze and said, “This isn’t easy for me, but you need to know certain things. Abby needs you to understand.”
Simone nodded and folded her hands on her desk.
“No one in this office is aware, and be very clear, I’ll fire you if you tell anyone.” Gavin spoke with the passion of a litigator, and Simone believed every word. “I’m gay.”
Simone let Gavin’s confession sit between them like an unexploded mine. Under-reaction was in her best interest. The less she acted like it was a big deal, the less threatened he’d be. And the words “I’ll fire you” came far too close to his declaration for Simone to dismiss them. Simone knew he couldn’t fire her as easily as that. It’d take some serious campaigning and negotiating, but ultimately he’d be able to make it happen.
Besides, she already knew he was gay. His big reveal was a non-event.
“So am I.” Simone said it as conciliation. Even though Simone was pretty certain everyone in the office knew about her at this point, she hoped Gavin would see it as a bargaining point. Why would she care if he was gay when she was herself?
“I know.” Gavin looked at her like she was an idiot who left a bad taste in his mouth.
He sat there, silent and evaluating her. Simone had work to do, work that made him money, and he’d rather she sit quietly while he stared. It was unnerving.
“Gavin, how can I help you?”
“Abby is a good woman.” Gavin was entitled to his opinion, skewed though it might be by his friendship.
Simone didn’t have to agree with him. “Okay.”
“But you don’t agree?”
“I’m not sure why that’s relevant.” Simone was a reluctant participant in this no-win conversation. She damned well wasn’t going to volunteer any information.
With that statement, Gavin resumed staring without speaking. Simone debated returning to her brief, but somehow, winning their staring contest seemed more important. She folded her hands over her desk and regarded him impassively. She’d wait.
Gavin broke first. “She loves you and you’re totally blowing it.”
Fuck. That wasn’t what Simone expected. Certainly not what she wanted. She arched her brow and tilted her head to the side. If she waited long enough, he’d say more and the chance of her making an ass of herself would go down exponentially.
Gavin shook his head, and the calm facade slipped a little. “She’s not the first person to beard for a friend.”
Simone shifted in her seat. She wasn’t sure which was worse, Gavin pretending to be nice or his burst of temper. “It’s still a lie.”
“Do you really think that? I value my privacy. Abby knows that and helps me keep my personal business personal. Surely you can understand that.”
She could understand it in theory, but she’d never been afforded the luxury of a closet.
“I’m not going to out you, Gavin.” As much as his cowardice pissed her off, she wasn’t foolish enough to put h
erself in jeopardy for the sake of disclosure.
“Don’t make this about me.”
“But it is, isn’t it? She’s lying to protect you.” She was dangerously close to crossing a line and needed to remember the influence Gavin wielded over her career.
Gavin’s face flushed red and he took several deep breaths before speaking. “My family life is…complicated. She wants me to be able to come out when I’m ready.”
“Why?” Simone stood and placed both hands flat against the surface of her desk. “Why is she willing to let you decide? To go to such an extreme to protect that right when she threw me out long before I was ready for that kind of exposure?” Simone had been scared, uncertain, and desperate for her friend to understand. Instead she’d been betrayed and laughed at.
Understanding flashed on Gavin’s face and he stood. He stared at Simone like he’d uncovered a great secret and it was a great disappointment. “That’s what this is about? You’re still mad about something she did when she was a kid? Seriously?” He straightened his jacket and headed toward the door, a look of disgust on his face. He paused at the door and turned back to her. “Grow up, Simone.”
Then he left.
Chapter Nine
The call to Dr. Donovan went to voice mail. Rather than leave a message, she hung up and dialed again. She repeated the process until he finally picked up on the fourth call. His voice was as calm as ever. “Malcolm Donovan speaking.”
“She’s his beard.”
“Yes.” Dr. Donovan didn’t hesitate. He went with the conversation even though Simone didn’t bother to introduce herself first. “I thought you understood that.”
“Gavin thinks I don’t care about the fact that she’s lying. Because no matter what you call it, she’s still lying.”
“Who’s Gavin?”
That’s right. She hadn’t mentioned him by name yet. She didn’t want him to have that much power over her. “The pretend boyfriend.”
“Okay, and what do you care about, according to Gavin?”
