“Sorry won’t change what happened. It also won’t guarantee that you won’t hurt me again.”
“No, but if you love me you have to at least try to trust me again. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but it’s like I just told you. I’m not giving up.”
Porsha wanted to tell him how much she did want to give him a chance but also that she was terrified of what the outcome would be. Especially since she had so many scenarios playing out in her head. What if Dillon was only using her to eventually find out all he could about Raven? That way, he’d be able to possibly get back at her. Or what if he simply just wanted to start sleeping with her again? What if he was merely looking for yet another woman to mess around with? For all Porsha knew, Taylor could’ve ended things with him because he hadn’t been faithful to her. It was certainly possible.
“So can I come over?” Dillon asked.
“We’ve already discussed that.”
“Well, like I said, I’m not giving up. So if it means calling you every day until you say yes, then that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. It’s up to you.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t do that.”
“Why, because you don’t want me to or because you know you want the same thing I do?”
“I have to go,” she said.
“I’ll bet you do, because you know I’m telling the truth.”
“Good-bye, Dillon.”
“Talk to you tomorrow.”
Porsha could barely contain herself, and she didn’t like how she was feeling. She wasn’t happy about the way she was steadily allowing Dillon to wear her down. At first it had been easy to tell him no, but now she struggled with it.
Porsha took a deep breath and pulled her laptop closer. Before Dillon had called, she’d been writing her inspirational message for Sunday morning’s service, and she wanted to get it finished. This would only be her second time delivering one, but the entire process already felt natural to her. It was as if she didn’t have to think hard about what to write or say, and the idea of hopefully helping one or more of their parishioners on a weekly basis made her feel even better about it. Then, what excited her more was her singles ministry, which she was planning to spend all of this afternoon working on.
She spent the next hour finalizing her message, but then her cell phone rang. She looked at the display and hesitated. It was Steve, and although she was tempted to let his call go to voice mail, she didn’t.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey, baby, how are you?”
“Good. You?”
“I’m great. So have you made a decision about our trip?”
“I have, and I can’t go.”
“You can’t or you just don’t want to?”
“Steve, please try to understand my position. I love you, but what we’re doing isn’t right.”
“Porsha, where in the world is all of this coming from?” he yelled. “I mean, why don’t you tell me what this is really about.”
He rarely called her by her first name, so she knew he was livid. “Steve, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you were expecting to hear, but I don’t feel good about our relationship any longer.”
“Just like that? In a matter of days, you somehow fell completely out of love with me?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I do love you. That part hasn’t changed, but there’s something inside of me that’s different. Something I’ve never felt before.”
“Yeah, and what is that exactly?”
“I don’t want to keep sleeping with another woman’s husband.”
“And you just woke up one day this week and decided that?”
“I know it sounds strange, but yes. I mean, I’ve always known that what we were doing was wrong, but now I feel really bad about it. Much worse than I used to.”
“So I guess you don’t want me to come over tonight, either.”
Porsha didn’t respond because a part of her did want to see him, but a part of her didn’t. Her whole way of thinking was so wishy-washy now. So baffling and worrisome.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” she said.
“Baby, please don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? Because right now, the word ‘sorry’ isn’t doing very much for me. It means nothing.”
Porsha wasn’t sure why, but tears filled her eyes. She was so torn over this.
“Baby, I know you’re going through something,” he said. “That part I believe. But please don’t end things between us. Let me come see you. We don’t even have to make love. Just let me come hold you and spend time with you.”
Maybe it was best to see Steve at least one last time. Because it wasn’t as though they’d just met a couple of weeks ago. They’d been seeing each other regularly for months.
“Okay, fine.”
“I’ll see you tonight then. And baby, please don’t give up on me. Please give me a chance to make things right.”
Porsha didn’t respond, but she couldn’t help thinking about the conversation she’d just had with Dillon. He’d spoken similar words, except he’d professed how he was the one who wasn’t planning to give up on trying to be with her.
“I’ll see you later,” she said.
“I love you, baby,” he told her.
Porsha saw the call ending and set the phone down. She’d agreed to let Steve come over, but she still knew it was wrong. It had always been wrong, and if she could do things over she would never have begun sleeping with him in the first place. She never would’ve begun sleeping with Dillon when he was married, either. But this was all wishful thinking, and it wasn’t possible to change what had already been done. That was the unfortunate truth when it came to making terrible choices, committing awful sins, and hurting innocent people. A person couldn’t erase any of it. But what she did know was that different choices could be made, and that even though everyone fell short sometimes—just as the Bible confirmed—there were still certain sins that could be eliminated for good. Because again, it had to do with choices.
She still didn’t know why her conscience had chosen this particular week to overwhelm her, but then she remembered something her father used to say. “When God decides that it’s time for you to make a change, a change you will surely make. He will get what He wants, and you won’t be able to stop Him.”
Porsha missed her father so much, and now tears streamed down both sides of her face. There was no doubt that she was going to have to make lots of changes, and she just hoped she was strong enough to do the right things. She wanted to become a better person, and she knew there was one thing in particular that she had to stop doing: pretending that God had called her to preach. She wasn’t sure how or when she was going to make this known to everyone, but she knew it was inevitable. It was time she stopped playing with God before something bad happened.
Chapter 21
It was Friday morning, and while it had only been two days since that thug D.C. had shown up at Bible study, Raven felt like she’d been dealing with this nightmare for weeks. It was weighing on her mind in more ways than she could count, and she’d gone another night without sleeping. So much so that when she’d finally gotten up this morning, she’d noticed small bags under her eyes. She’d looked tired and not at all the way she normally did when she took a shower, applied her makeup, and got dressed. Even now, she didn’t look awful, but she certainly didn’t look her best, and something had to change. Something had to give, and she knew she had to fix this money ordeal sooner rather than later.
Raven scrolled through the church’s financial documents on her computer, trying to figure out how she might be able to take a larger cut of income for the next few months, but her cell phone rang before she could. When she saw it was Dillon, she shook her head.
Then she lifted her phone from her desk. “Why do you keep calling me?”
“You know why.”
&n
bsp; “Well, I wish you would stop.”
“Not until you do what I told you.”
“So, you’re my boss now?”
“No, but I know you got my message.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“According to my dad, you admitted that you did.”
“Look, I’m really busy.”
“Do I sound like I care about that? I don’t care what you’re doing. I just want to know when you’re going to clear my dad’s name.”
“And if I don’t?”
“You heard my message the other day, right? When I said I wasn’t playing with you, I meant it.”
“Is that why you sent D.C. over here to threaten me?”
“Excuse me?”
“Excuse me, nothing, Dillon. I know you sent him, and I also know that this is all part of your little scheme to make me do what you want.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I think you do.”
“Think what you want. That’s on you, but if you don’t record a new video, I’ll be taking matters into my own hands.”
“I’m not afraid of you, Dillon.”
“You should be.”
“Well, I’m not. I never was.”
“You’re really starting to piss me off.”
“Too bad.”
“You’d better clear my dad’s name, or—”
“Or what, Dillon?” she yelled, cutting him off. “What exactly are you planning to do? What can you do?”
“Keep stalling with that retraction, and you’ll find out the hard way. I told you, I’m not playing with you.”
“Good-bye, Dillon.”
“Bye, trick.”
Raven set the phone down and felt her heart racing. Ever since the day Porsha had brought Raven that sex tape of her and Dillon, Raven had hated him. And those feelings hadn’t changed. What bothered her, though, was that even after talking to Dillon, she still couldn’t tell whether he was behind the D.C. crisis. He hadn’t overtly denied it, but he also hadn’t admitted that he had any connection to D.C.’s calling in his loan.
But either way, she’d already made up her mind first thing this morning that she would pay D.C. She was, of course, still hoping that she wouldn’t have to give him the full amount he was demanding, but even if he reduced it, she knew that the one hundred eighty thousand she’d saved wouldn’t cover it.
Raven wondered again why this was happening to her now. Why were things leaning toward ruin when her ministry was doing so well? The local congregation was steadily growing, her online ministry was through the roof, and if she could get rid of Porsha she would become even more successful. Although, maybe getting rid of Porsha was the last thing she should be considering. Maybe Raven was going about this all wrong, because with the millions Porsha had, maybe she was the one who could help her. The two of them weren’t as close as they’d once been—or at least as close as they’d tried to be—but maybe it was time Raven changed the way she dealt with Porsha. If she did, she could tell her about the problem she was having with D.C., and maybe Porsha would loan her the money.
But then, if Raven told her the truth and Porsha helped her, there was a chance Porsha might use it against her in the future. Plus, the more Raven thought about it, the more she truly did want Porsha gone. It would be a while before Raven could buy her completely out of the ministry, but physically she wanted Porsha to leave the building. She wanted her to pack her things and set up shop somewhere else. Take her mediocre preaching skills to a different church or even a different city. Raven didn’t care what Porsha did, as long as she didn’t show her face again at New Vision.
So, no, borrowing the money from Porsha wouldn’t work. But plan B would.
It had been just three days ago when Raven had been sitting in their staff meeting, thinking how there might come a time when she would need John, her chief financial officer. Originally she’d thought she might need his assistance with ousting Porsha, but now she needed him because of D.C. It would certainly take some time to reel John in all the way and lock him under her spell, but she knew it could be done. It had to be done, because it was her only feasible option. D.C. had stated more than once that he wouldn’t take payments, but he would still have to give her at least until the end of the month. By then, she’d be able to convince John to do anything she wanted. She could make him secretly pull the money she needed from various church accounts and deposit it into one of hers. To be safe, she was going to ask for two hundred thousand dollars, because then she’d only have to use seventy thousand of her own money. This, of course, was only if D.C. still refused to back down from the full amount.
Raven picked up her desk phone and called her CFO.
“This is John speaking.”
“Hi, John. Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No, not at all.”
“Good. Could you come talk to me for a few minutes?”
“Sure, I’ll be right there.”
By the time Raven stood up and walked around her desk, John was knocking on her door.
“Come in.”
He strolled in, dressed in his usual nerdy attire, and Raven pointed toward her plush sofa.
“Please have a seat.”
“Thank you,” he said.
Raven sat next to him and wasted no time disclosing her intentions. “I could easily strike up some petty conversation and pretend I called you in here for something church-related. But as you know, I don’t really believe in sugarcoating the truth.”
John looked at her and then quickly turned his head away. “Okay.”
“I’ve tried to keep things very professional with you. But I can’t do that anymore.”
John gently pushed his glasses farther up on his nose. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
“Then I’ll tell you. Since the very first day you started working here, I’ve been extremely attracted to you. So those two times we were together weren’t just about sex.”
John didn’t respond, but he also seemed embarrassed by what she was saying.
Raven moved closer so that their hips were touching. “It’s true.”
“How long have you felt this way?” he said, still barely looking at her.
Raven crossed her legs so that her calf rested against his knee. “I just told you. Since the very beginning. And I think you’ve always been attracted to me, too. Am I right?”
John swallowed and seemed stunned by what she was telling him.
“I know this is probably catching you by surprise, but I couldn’t keep pretending,” she said.
“Well, if you want to know the truth, I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel for a very long time. But I also knew you were in a relationship with Kane, and it seemed serious.”
For a second, Raven thought about Kane, too, and a bit of guilt eased up her spine. But as much as she loved Kane, he wasn’t more important than her ministry.
“I am,” she said, “but I’ve always wanted to be with you.”
“Well, I also didn’t want to damage our working relationship,” John admitted. “And you’re also a pastor.”
Raven removed his glasses. Then she held either side of his face and kissed him with total zeal. She moved quickly before he had time to think about it.
Still, John pulled away, and Raven smiled at him.
His chest heaved up and down, and she saw other physical signs confirming that he wanted her, too. So she got up and went over to her desk to call her assistant.
“Michelle, can you please hold all my calls? Actually, I don’t want to be disturbed for any reason, because John and I are discussing some very important financial matters.”
“Not a problem.”
“Thank you.”
Raven hung up the phone, went over to lock her door, and came back to the sofa. But she didn’t sit down right away. Instead, she kicked off her pumps and then sat back down next to John.
Then she reached for his belt buckle.
&n
bsp; Until he stopped her. “Pastor Raven, please don’t. This isn’t right.”
“I’m just trying to please you. Prove to you how much I’ve been wanting to be with you.”
Raven reached toward him again.
But he stopped her again.
“Why are you fighting me like this?” she asked.
“Because it’s not right. You’re with Kane, and you’re a pastor.”
“I also have feelings and needs, and I’m not perfect. And I really want you.”
Now, John just looked at her…and then he relaxed his body against the sofa.
Raven reached toward his belt buckle again, and this time all he did was watch her.
This time, he let her do whatever she wanted.
Chapter 22
Porsha lay quietly, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how she’d allowed any of this to happen. Why hadn’t she fought harder to say no to Dillon the way she’d been planning? Because if she had, she wouldn’t be lying next to him in his bed. She also wouldn’t have felt the need to lie to Steve last night, claiming that she had church business and couldn’t see him. Steve had called her around six o’clock after he’d left work and had been on his way, so needless to say, he hadn’t been happy. But she’d promised him that he could come by on Sunday the way he always did, and that had seemed to calm him down a bit.
But what Steve didn’t know was that Dillon had called her a half hour before that, saying all the right words in all the right ways, and she hadn’t been able to resist him any longer. He’d come on to her so strong that before she’d even been consciously aware of it, she’d invited him over. Then she’d slept with him only minutes after he’d arrived—and tonight she’d slept with him again at his place, and she was ashamed of herself. But, God forgive her, she also had enjoyed being with Dillon, and she couldn’t help it.
Dillon turned toward her on his side, propping himself up on his elbow and caressing her face. He still looked as handsome as always.
“I have really, really missed you,” he said. “You know that?”
“You missed me or what we just did?”
Sin of a Woman Page 12
