A few moments pass in silence, allowing John to take it all in. Then John laughs out loud, hard.
Anna stares at John’s surprisingly inappropriate response. “Jesus Christ, are you fucking laughing at this?”
“I am. I’m so sorry. I’m a complete asshole.” John sincerely tries to stop.
“What the fuck is so funny?” Anna can’t help smiling. His laugh is strangely infectious.
“You are just so bad ass. I had no idea you were so bad ass.”
Anna does share a laugh, finally.
“Anna, let me ask you one question and I want you to be completely honest with me."
"Okay, shoot."
"Is there any chance you are going to kill me?"
"If you intentionally hurt me or my baby or Clara, I will likely kill you," Anna admits.
"Fair enough. Now your turn." He waits for her to put her question together. She takes a while to get it out. "Is there any chance you are going to hurt me or the baby?"
"Emotionally yes. Physically no."
"I believe you," and she does, mostly.
“I’ve got one more confession. This is a tough one and I’d rather keep this to myself, but it all has to come out so we can start fresh and build a life together. I need to put it behind me.
“Oh shit, the fighting?” Anna says before John has a chance to explain.
“What? You Google me and that shit pops up?” John asks covering his face with both hands. “Fuck.”
“No, no, John. Pem told me. Well she emailed me anyway.”
“She’s emailing?’
“Yes, she finally answered an email. I was so thrilled to hear from her that news of you playing Fight Club in Argentina was much more palatable.”
“I was an animal,” John admits, finally looking at her.
“Drugs and grief and rage, I imagine, are a dangerous cocktail. I’m not more afraid of you because of it, John. My fears have nothing to do with mixed martial arts or some such nonsense. It is more like waking up with hands around my throat.” Her eyes tear as much for his pain as her own.
"John, I need to go to Atlanta alone and to Connecticut alone. Pemberley still says she won’t see me. Dying or not, she's being vile. I have spent years travelling the country, the world, making my way alone. You have to learn to trust me," Anna pleads.
"What if you need me?" he asks.
"I'll call you and you will mount the nearest white horse and ride immediately to my rescue." She takes his hand again.
"You make that sound sexual."
"Unintentionally. I will be fine John."
“I don’t like it, but it’s going to happen anyway, isn’t it?” he asks.
She nods. "You have band practice at seven o'clock. We have four hours. I'd love to go into the city for a late lunch and then take you home for a very athletic lay, a sport fuck actually. It's a busy day and you will be my exercise."
"I accept that challenge. Anna, are we okay?"
"Better than okay I think. Better than before. Honesty is surprisingly cleansing. I feel good. I feel like I should have told you before."
"Me too."
"John, will you be okay with Clara, without me, for a while?" she asks. "If you need me right off I can stay for now and go a little later on."
"No, I’ll figure things out. I want you to go and get back. Get it done."
"How long will Stephanie stay?" Anna asks.
"She’ll see how Clara settles into things with me. As much as Stephanie and Brian want this, it’s hard for them."
Anna lays her head onto John's shoulder. “When I get back, maybe I could visit Dr. Lane with you?"
There is some comfort in the notion that they are both a mess and, if they can accept that in themselves and in each other, they might be all right. Instead of answering with words, he leans in and kisses her hair, breathing her in deeply.
Ten
Anna leaves two days later. John has Anna's car serviced and fills her tank. He loads the passenger seat with water and snacks, and a pillow for lower back support. He registers her for AAA and makes sure she has plenty of cash and her phone charger and a car charger and a good GPS app and road maps as a backup. He loads her luggage into the car and kisses her in the driveway, hugging her hard.
John leans on Anna’s car door. "What is reasonable communication for me to expect? I'm not asking you to call every day."
"I will email you every night. I'll call every few days." She kisses him hard. He is struggling to let her go.
He waves from the lawn of 517 as she drives off. He has two days to get ready for Clara and Stephanie. He takes a longer run than usual and attacks the kettlebell. Two hours later and sweating hard, he brews a pot of coffee and hits the shower. He finds a photo in a dark wooden frame on the counter by the sink. It is a black and white print from their memorable Greek evening together. Unmasked, John lies on his back sleeping peacefully and Anna is curled tightly against him with her hand on his chest, hair fanned across the pillow, smiling. He didn't know she had these. A yellow Post-It is attached to the glass of the frame with one word. Soon.
After a cold shower and quick breakfast, John returns an email to a partner at his firm. He let them know last week that he won't be coming back to Chicago for the immediate future. They have asked him to act as a legal consultant remotely. He can set his hours, advising on cases and doing research. The pay rate is generous and they will provide health benefits. A contract is bouncing back and forth, and John will begin as soon as it is signed.
John drives to his scheduled appointment at The Osprey School. He Skypes Stephanie on his tablet so she can ask questions and tour the school with him. Stephanie approves and John registers Clara.
The director, Miss Amanda asks, "Mr. Halloway, we like to have a good understanding of each child’s home life. Is this a custody situation?"
"Not the way you think." He has to think of a way to frame this better, without shocking the world. "My brother and sister-in-law have had Clara since she was six months old. Her mother died suddenly and it seemed best at the time. She is coming to live with me now."
"I am so sorry. If there is anything we can do to help Clara and you with this transition, please let me know. I heard Clara will be joining Isabella and the other girls in the afternoons. Let me get you that paper work so we can release Clara to the other parents. You might want to get an extra car seat to bring here every day. It makes the afternoon driving easier for everyone." From zero car seats to three in less than a week.
That night John gets his first email from Anna.
Hello my love. I have arrived in Atlanta after about six hours on the road. I stopped three times. When my tire blew I only had to walk four miles before a trucker picked me up in exchange for a blow job. Kidding. Not funny? I thought about detouring to Athens to see the hometown of R.E.M. and the B-52s but thought better of it. Another great music city we should visit together. God remember R.E.M.? What ever happened to them? So I have checked myself into a Marriott. Tomorrow I am going to stalk my mother. What a strange sentence. I love you. I know you are getting ready for Clara. I forgot to mention, I baked cookies for her lunches. They are wrapped in my freezer. Xxxoooxxxoooxxx Anna
His reply is brief. So glad you arrived. Lucky trucker. I'd know.
Immediately, a second email from Anna comes through. John - Funniest thing... I just found a vibrator, batteries included, in my luggage. Interesting parting gift.
He replies. You can’t drink. Drugs are out. Stressful trip. Do you mind it?
She replies. XXX I’ll let you know. XXX
An hour later. I do not mind. He smiles and lets his imagination run wild.
On his last afternoon alone, John sits down to work for the first time in a long time. He is advising on a murder trial, reviewing case notes and testimony. The work is interesting and he feels satisfied, letting it consume his day. John loves the law and didn’t realize how much he had missed it. When he looks up, five hours have passed. He walk
s into town to stretch his legs and grab a sandwich. He stops in at the gallery to meet Jose and Trisha, and then drives to the conservation center to introduce himself to Lillian Jones. John has decided that he and Stephanie will drive Clara after school the first week while she acclimates to her new surroundings and all of these new people.
John does a last check on Clara's room. He has added new curtains, a rug and a soft comforter that is more little girly, purple, her favorite color. Her pony keeps watch from the corner. He straightens books on a shelf, including the Richard Scarry collection and lies down on her bed.
Dr. Lane is encouraging him to do two mental exercises. Remember in a safe environment. And play what if to let his body get used to stress. John starts with a memory.
Clara is screaming. He holds her, rocking her on the floor trying to shield her face from Sarah’s dead eyes. An officer pulls Clara away. Get your fucking hands off her! John shouts. Other officers hold him back. He fights. He is cuffed. Clara is taken away.
He breathes through it. Taking his time to regulate his breathing and giving his pulse a chance to normalize. Now the what if.
Clara is in his car with a laughing group of little girls, munching Anna's cookies. A speeding car runs a red light and T-bones John's car. They roll.
John gets up and takes a Xanax.
They have a good first band practice that night. Tommy, Steve, Joe and Glen are good musicians and all about the same age, sharing similar tastes in music. They play covers from their favorite bands and are trying to come up with a name. John has been thinking about acronyms. Tommy's daughter Rianna will be in the afternoon group with Clara and Isabella. He also has a seven year-old girl named Christine. Glenn has teenage twins named Simon and Ethan. Steve has a baby girl named Lauren. Clara Isabella Rianna Christine Lauren Ethan and Simon. Circles is voted in as the band's name.
John finishes his day ready for Clara. Anna sends an email at about ten o'clock.
Hello darling. In case you are wondering, I am doing well here in Atlanta. After watching her house for three hours this morning, I felt like a moron and got out and just knocked. No answer unfortunately. I fear she may be out of town. I haven't seen her at all. I'm not calling because you must be very tied up preparing for Clara and I am exhausted. Send my love to Stephanie and Clara tomorrow. I miss your cooking. I miss you. I miss you naked. Trying again tomorrow.
His reply is a little longer.
Hey there doll. I am getting things together for Clara, feeling good. We had band practice tonight. We did some decent U2. It made me think of happy times with you and Pemberley. We named the band Circles. It is an acronym for our kids' names. I am wondering if it is a little too metaphorical. Are we all just repeating patterns? Trying to recapture our youth with this old music? Too much therapy. Ignore me. When the baby is born, we'll have to change it to Circless or Scircles, or maybe CirclesZ. Wow, baby names. I'm thinking for a boy Bono or maybe Lynyrd. For a girl Pat? Blondie? Miss you too. So much. I loved the print in my bathroom by the way. I'm going to bed thinking of you sparkling in a mask.
John drives to Columbia to pick up Stephanie and Clara the next morning. He waits in baggage claim. Clara runs right into his arms. He hugs her, trying to keep this moment light, not wanting to overwhelm her. Stephanie looks distracted and worried, texting furiously.
She hugs John, squishing Clara between them. "Sweet pea, look at that pretty princess in the picture!" she says pointing Clara to a poster of the latest Disney movie.
"What's wrong? “John asks.
"My parents were supposed to get to Chicago today to help with the boys tomorrow. My Dad fell and broke his wrist. He is okay, but not traveling any time soon. Brian is finishing up a big case. The sitter isn't available more than a few hours after school. I need to make some calls and get some coverage."
"Stephanie, let's get a flight back, I can come to Chicago. I'll pick up a few things there."
She looks at him and back at Clara. Her eyes start to fill, but she fights it. "No John. This is happening today. Clara is ready. Are you ready?" She looks at John from one eye to his other as if she is trying to see exactly what is happening inside him.
"I am ready," John says with both eyes on Clara.
"Forget I asked. I know you are ready. You are absolutely ready. Did you cover the outlets? Did you get an alarm so she can't walk out of the house? I'm a little worried about that. You did? See you are ready. She is ready too. She wants to go to her new big girl school."
"Are you sure?"
She sniffs, drying her damp eyes on her sleeve and takes a deep breath.
"Sweet girl," she swoops Clara up into her arms. "Tashie has to go back to Chicago. Would you like to stay here with Daddy?" Clara smiles at John.
His heart is racing, but he has it under control.
"Do you want to have a sleepover with Daddy at the beach? And Tashie can come back in a few days to see you?" She hugs Clara hard and hands her to John. "I love you sweet girl. I’ll call you on the computer tonight. Okay baby?" She grabs her bag, kisses Clara, looks at John and then goes without looking back.
John and Clara stand in the baggage claim together for a while. John gathers his thoughts and Clara lays her head against his chest.
"Daddy," she reminds him.
I’m her Daddy. "Okay sweet girl. Are you hungry?" He wonders if she is wet. He is relieved to feel a dry diaper.
"Goldfish," she says handing him her tiny tote bag. Thankfully, he finds the Goldfish crackers, and she nibbles happily while he shoulders her baggage and walks to the car. After chatting a bit, she naps most of the ride back to the island. She wakes when the car stops and asks, "Tashie?" with tears coming.
"Hey there sleepy head.”
"Tashie?" She won't be put off that easily.
"Tashie had to go back to Chicago. We can call her on the computer tonight. You want some lunch? Daddy can cook anything!" He sells his skill set hard. He takes her from the car and grabs her bags.
"What are you hungry for? A giraffe?" She giggles at the thought of a giraffe for lunch.
"A rhinoceros?" More giggles.
"Maybe a polar bear?" tickling her for good measure.
They agree on grilled cheese and sliced strawberries and walk over to Anna's for cookies, raiding her freezer.
"Anna?" Clara asks. No darling, every woman in our lives has left us. Instead, he offers her a chocolate chip cookie freshly thawed from the microwave. There is always food.
He and Clara unpack together and he changes her for the beach. They play in the sand and splash in the surf. Isabella and Joe come out when she gets home at three-thirty. She and Clara are both wearing bathing suits with the same Disney princess and they are instantly bonded for life. John tells Joe about his trial by fire and Stephanie flying back to Chicago.
"It's okay man. You got this. We are right next door. Are you going to try out school tomorrow?" John nods. "They sure are hitting it off. Come for dinner tonight. Lots of good distraction."
John agrees, grateful. "What can I bring?"
Joe laughs. "You are such a girl."
After a few hours on the beach, John takes Clara in and agrees to show up next door in an hour. Inside, John looks at a very grungy Clara and without a thought walks into the bathroom. He stares at the bathtub, imagining Clara in it. Nope, not ready for that.
"Clara do you want to take a shower with Daddy?"
She shakes her head no. "Bath."
Fuck.
"Daddy likes a shower so much. Daddy eats cookies in the shower."
She is intrigued. He doesn't know the rules on nudity and two year old girls so he leaves on shorts, strips her down, hands her the biggest cookie in the bunch and showers with her in his arms. She tolerates it as long as he keeps her face dry, which he fails at miserably. Many tears and soapy eyes.
Fuck you Sarah he thinks.
Dinner with Isabella is a good way to spend Clara’s first evening. Isabella tells Clara all about their school. Cl
ara is ready to follow Isabella to the ends of the earth. After dinner, the girls snuggle under blankets to watch a movie.
"How was the day," Barbara asks. "Pitfalls?"
"I couldn't bathe her, so I bribed her with a cookie to shower with me. I don't know about little girls and penises so I wore shorts. Is that weird? Should she see my junk?" he asks.
"Everyone gets to see Joe's junk." Barbara laughs. "But there is nothing wrong with keeping yours covered up."
"Otherwise, it was a good day. We’re okay." He is relieved.
"And Anna?" Joe asks.
"So far no news. I am such an attention whore. Can we talk about you guys for a while?"
They tell John about taking the firsts steps for IVF. They talk about the band and adding to their playlist.
Later, John gets Clara ready for bed and Skypes Stephanie on his tablet. Clara shows Stephanie her pony, books, bed, closet, curtains and says, “Bella." John helps explain Clara's new friend next door. Clara kisses Stephanie on the screen saying goodnight.
"Tashie?" Isabella cries after disconnecting the call. "Tashie?" with big tears.
"I know doll. I know." He feels like a criminal as he lies with her until she falls asleep. He dozes too and wakes up with a jolt an hour later. He slips out quietly, going to his own bed. As he walks past the stairs, he imagines Clara looking for him in the dark. He shuffles through a closet and finds an old compression gate and leaves the bathroom light on.
Looking at his phone, he sees that Anna called an hour before. He doesn't want to wake her so he texts.
Hey. Sorry I missed your call. I was sleeping in a very tiny purple bed with a little girl missing her Tashie. Call me if you are up.
She doesn't call. He checks on Clara before falling into bed, exhausted.
When he wakes up, the sun is shining and Clara is tucked up close to his side. He lies with her for a long time, thinking of all he has missed with her. After a while, he sneaks into the bathroom, turns on the shower and peeks back at her before undressing and getting in alone. He wakes her when he is dressed, asking if she wants to go to school with Isabella. As an answer, she runs to her room to pick out a favorite dress and sandals. Downstairs they make her lunch for school and then breakfast. Thankfully, she likes bacon and eggs. Today is Wednesday so she will go to Trisha and Jose after school. She is excited about the prospect of painting and sculpting, which he explains as Play-Doh.
Circling The Shadows Page 24
