“You have my word of honor as a nurse and as a stripper,” he says with two fingers raised. “Now let’s get you down to dinner.”
"My god I have missed watching this man cook," Pemberley says. "Right Jordan? Did I tell you?" Jordan smiles appreciatively in John's direction.
"Oh?" Anna laughs. "I think I called that all wrong."
"Are you wondering if given the choice, would I spend an evening with you or your husband?" Jordan smiles and nods in John's direction.
John laughs opening the grill. "516 is two down Jordan. You can come over anytime."
Anna feigns a look of hurt, "Hands off my man darling. I'm not sharing."
"Actually I was going to ask John about something a little personal if I may."
John flips a sizzling steak, "Ask me anything."
"I heard about a new show in production back in New York. It’s a country music revival for Broadway thing. I’m thinking about auditioning. I thought we could make some beautiful music together," Jordan suggests with a slight leer.
"Finally, we get to hear some country?" Anna asks. “The New Yorkers are bringing country to the Texan? Rodrigo, you play too, right?”
"I do. John, I have heard Jordan sing. He is quite good," Rodrigo compliments Jordan reluctantly.
"Okay, we’d better get Joe over here, too." John is happy to play. Band practices have gotten a little erratic. Kids and viruses and off-season travel.
They set up at 516. Pemberley, Ellen, and Anna dig in to watch the latest princess movie with Clara at 518.
"Are you sure Pemberley?" Anna asks.
"Hells yes. I never miss a Disney flick. I would have seen this in the theater, but I've been kind of busy."
"How do I not know this about you?" Anna asks.
"I like to hold a little something back. Always keep them guessing," Pem pats the couch and Clara snuggles in close.
After the movie, Anna takes Clara home to bed. They sneak up on 516 as Jordan sings lines to an old John Denver song.
Anna smiles. Finally country.
After Clara is sleeping soundly, Anna stays with John.
"Happy?" John asks.
"I am. Are you?"
He smiles running his hand over her. "With you, I am always happy."
“This is a lot of people. Are you okay with it John?" Anna asks.
"It's our family Anna. Of course I'm okay with it," John says.
On Monday, John returns to his work schedule and Clara is back to school. Anna spends her days with her mother and Pemberley and Rodrigo. Rodrigo works on a laptop and phone, guiding his business interests from Osprey Island only in the mornings. Jordan keeps close to Pemberley, helping her create the façade that she is better off than Anna thinks. Rodrigo knows better and let’s Jordan do his job. The façade is important to Pemberley.
Pemberley bans the group from 518, except for Sunday dinner. She will spend daytime hours with her family and friends, but insists that by evening she needs to call it a day and Jordan cooks for her and her alone at 518. Some nights Rodrigo and Ellen cook together at 516. Anna's grill is finally lit.
Rodrigo and Ellen admire John's ability to cook, shop, manage Clara, and work. People expect women to do these things but tend to marvel at men. Anna does the morning ride to school with John every day and Clara comes to 516 most afternoons for her Skype with Stephanie and an afternoon rest. They are falling into a good rhythm. Clara likes to climb onto Anna's lap to eat her snack while she speaks with Stephanie.
"She seems like she is doing really well Anna." Stephanie says.
"She is. I think she really likes having everyone here. It is such a distraction," Anna says.
"Anna, I have to be honest, when you were away, she was wearing me down. I was about one cry from hopping on a plane and bringing Clara back to Chicago. Don't tell John."
"They had a tough time there in the beginning. He is doing wonderfully with her though. You should see them together. It is beautiful," Anna says.
"I’m going to stay away for now. Clara seems to be settling into a good place. I don't want to rock the boat." Stephanie says. “Do you think that is the right thing Anna? I’m not totally sure.”
“For now, I think it is a good plan.” Anna says. “Stephanie, do you think we might talk everyone into coming here for Thanksgiving though?"
"Absolutely. Jane is already looking at airfare."
"I think John and Clara and I can move into 518. They have plenty of space. My mom is spending a few nights a week there already. Oh Stephanie, they are so happy!"
"That is amazing. And you like Rodrigo?"
"I utterly adore him. I can't think of a better choice for my step daddy."
"Ha. That sounded almost American, girl. Okay, we'll all come, but I don't want you all relocating. Let's count beds and people." In the end, they decide that Conrad and Jane will want to be with the kids so they'll stay in 516. Ellen will happily relocate to 518 with Rodrigo. Anna and John, Stephanie and Brian will stay at 517.
"Anna, are you sure about this? No one is judging you or pressuring you here. I don’t want you to stay with him because you have to."
"Yes, it’s time," Anna says and tries to be convincing.
"If you change your mind…"
"I'll be okay. Truly, I’ll be fine," Anna says, hoping it is true.
On the day before Thanksgiving, John and Anna are carrying a few things across the lawn, moving John into 517. He stops short of the front steps. "Anna this isn't a good idea. I don't want to share a bed over logistics."
“But John, I do want to share a bed over logistics,” she says, looking a little hurt.
"I want you to want this Anna. I'm not sharing your bed because it is convenient," he takes his bag and starts walking back to 516. "I'll stay in the room next to Clara's."
She follows him. "John. Please reconsider."
“No Anna. When you are ready, you are ready. This feels like pulling off a band-aid. I don’t like it,” he says and keeps walking.
Anna connecting with her mother has been unsettling for John. He thinks if Anna knew about Ellen a few weeks earlier, they wouldn’t be married right now. John isn’t naïve enough to think that this isn’t a marriage of convenience in some ways. He knows Anna loves him, but she still doesn’t want to. Providing a safety net for the baby was a big motivator for Anna to get married. Ellen could have been that safety net for the baby. Ellen could have kept Anna from being alone. John has no illusions about that.
If Anna is looking for an exit strategy, she has one now, and a good one. He works hard not to view Ellen as a threat. He knows Anna will never truly be his unless she finds her own way to him. He has a lot to talk about in therapy with Dr. Lane.
He takes his laptop from Anna’s hand, kisses her cheek and walks into 516. She stands in his driveway watching after him.
“I can’t remember the last time I had a real Thanksgiving dinner. This is actually awesome,” Jordan tells Pemberley tying her headscarf. “I’m bummed to leave on Sunday.”
Pemberley doesn’t answer. She knows she’ll never see the sun and sand meet at the ocean again.
“What’s sexy chef making?” she asks to get her mind off her reverie.
“He’s frying one turkey and roasting another. Anna and Clara are baking. Everyone is making sides. Joe and Barbara dropped off a case of wine. Someone named Lynn is coming and they are very excited about it. Poor Clara is a little frantic. She doesn’t know what to do with herself. She’s split between Mommy one and Mommy two and Daddy one and Daddy two and then the two cousins who are really more like her brothers.”
“Jesus, that poor baby,” Pemberley shakes her head.
“Stephanie and Anna decided to kick out all the boys and stay with Clara in 517. It’ll take some of the pressure off her.”
“Good,” Pemberley says, applying eyelashes.
“I can’t decide who is hotter? Brian or John?” Jordan says, handing her the glue, opening the debate.
Ov
er dessert, Rodrigo gently taps his spoon to his wine glass for everyone's attention. "Hello and Happy Thanksgiving. I would like to say a few words to you wonderful people tonight. First of all, thank you to Anna and John for bringing us all together. A few short months ago, this wonderful girl had very little family. Now she has all this,” Rodrigo raises his glass to his guests.
"And Anna, you now have your mother, after all these years. Anna, I would like to ask you a question. Would you do me the honor of taking me as your father and Pemberley as your sister, by permitting me to marry your mother? Yes this is fast, but Ellen and I want us to all have time to be a family together. Do you agree?"
Anna’s smile is ear to ear.
"Fucking A right my sister," Pemberley shouts with joy.
“Jordan?” Rodrigo gestures and Jordan rises with a serious expression.
“I’m ordained,” Jordan explains.
“If we can move to the beach, Ellen and I would like to share our thanks this Thanksgiving by taking our vows of marriage here with you.”
Together, with great reverence and joy, they move out to the beach where Rodrigo and Ellen join their families together as one.
Anna opens her door to a knock. Everyone at 518 is packing and loading cars. Ellen got an early start back to Atlanta. She is anxious to get her house on the market and move to Connecticut to be with her husband. Jordan’s smiling face greets her. He leans against the door jamb looking very James Dean.
“Well hello there,” Anna starts. “What can I do for you Jordan?”
“Anna, you must have figured out that between my career as a stripper and a nurse, I don’t have a good respect for boundaries.”
Anna smiles wondering where he is going with this. “Did Pemberley send you over to give me a pep talk?”
“No, this is just you and me.” He holds up a tool-box. “I had an idea.”
“Go on,” she says.
“Invite me in. I feel like a fucking vampire out here,”
“Of course, sorry, please come in. Can I make you some tea?”
He shakes his head and then changes his mind. “Tea would be great.”
“So?” she asks, filling the kettle.
“Can we just assume that I know pretty much everything about you that Pemberley knows? She is dying. Gossip is always the last vice to go.”
“Fair enough,” Anna wonders what is coming.
“Anna, I think we can take this toolbox into that room and create a place where you can feel safe with John,” he says pointing to her guest room.
Anna stares blank faced at Jordan.
“Let’s take off the door so you won’t feel trapped. Let’s take out the lamps and clock and TV, so there is nothing he can hit you with or wrap around your neck. Just a bed and a dresser. Anna, lay with your man,” he says with his hand on hers.
“Jordan he used to just use his hands. He’d wrap them around my neck and I’d wake up choking. It isn’t so easy to forget.”
“Are you afraid of John?” Jordan asks.
“No. I’m afraid for this baby. That is all,” Anna is afraid of John, but she knows it isn’t rational and she isn’t in the mood to discuss John’s unlimited attributes of perfection with Jordan.
“Anna you need some help. Why aren’t you getting it?” he asks.
She shrugs and shakes her head. She really doesn’t know why she hasn’t pursued therapy. She just doesn’t have the energy for it, all of the rehashing and remembering. She wants to live in her little house and grow her healthy baby and everything else can wait.
Twelve
December 1st is a quiet day on Osprey Island. As always, Anna wakes alone in her bed. Alone at 517. Next door, 518 sits empty. Everyone is gone. Her mother is miles and miles away. Pemberley isn’t going to last much longer. Anna considers going to 516 and climbing into bed with John, cuddling close, but she doesn't. She feels the baby growing strong and wants her distance. She changes into yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Eating a banana, she goes to the beach for an early walk before she takes Clara to school with John.
Anna is surprised to see John and Clara fishing in the surf. He sits in a sand chair with Clara on his lap, hands on the fishing rod together. Anna can just barely hear them talking about dolphins and dinosaurs. John listens to every word Clara says. He is completely engrossed in conversation with his two-year-old daughter. Anna wonders how her life could have been with a father like John. Her father was just a short distance away from her own unhappy home, but she was kept from him and her brothers.
Anna's eyes start to fill, but she fights it. Has there ever been a man like John before? She wonders again if she is fit for him. John sees Anna and waves her over.
"Good morning darlings. Everyone is up so early," she kisses Clara's nose and John's lips, pasting a smile to her face.
"I think she misses the crowd," John says smoothing Clara's hair.
Anna picks Clara up, hugging her close. "Me too, my love. Me too."
"Do you have loads of work today?" Anna asks John.
He gathers his rods and tackle. "I do. I've been slacking off, but I'm back at it today. Did you have something in mind?"
"No, no, just wondering," Anna hides her disappointment under a smile.
The next morning Anna dresses early for a walk. She is not sleeping well. From her deck, she sees John and Clara fishing again. She doesn’t want to join them, so she goes back inside for a cup of tea, eventually she returns to bed. Before long, John knocks to see if she wants breakfast.
"No thanks, not today John. I'm just a little under the weather. I'll see you later?" she says.
"Are you sure you’re okay?" he looks worried, as he tends to.
She nods and forces a smile, "Absolutely."
"I'll check in on you a little later. I'll bring you lunch?" he asks.
She kisses his cheek, anxious to close the door. "Oh John, It’s Tuesday. Don't you have Dr. Lane today?"
"Damn you're right. Should I cancel? If you aren’t feeling well, I’d rather be close by," he says.
"Certainly not. I am absolutely fine. I’m just a little tired and a bit down."
His face falls visibly.
"John, I can't be happy and vibrant every second of every day. It wouldn't be natural." She kisses him again, closing the door. She isn't up to comforting him right this minute. She leaves him standing on her steps behind a closed door. Anna peeks from behind a curtain as John walks down the steps reluctantly and picks up Clara. “Come on sweet pea. Time for school." He tucks her under his arm and swings her roughly. They laugh together. Anna watches until they are out of sight. Then she returns to bed, feeling alone and empty.
Anna avoids John and Clara for the next few days but not entirely. She joins them for dinner and tucks Clara in at night, leaving after. She skips breakfast and the morning ride to school. Anna explains to Clara she is very tired. At Dr. Lane's suggestion, John lets Anna set the tone and he doesn't question her.
"John, she has had such changes these last months."
"I know she has, but this is everything she has every wanted. Her mother, the baby."
"John, getting what we want is still rarely easy. Let her adjust."
"I feel like I'm losing her. She is pulling away," he says.
"Maybe she is just realigning her own sense of normal. She needs time."
"Tell me again, how will I know if it’s more? Tell me the warning signs." This is something they do. He needs to hear it from her. Lane recites the list to John.
Then Anna stops joining them for dinner and that is the last straw for John. One evening, after Anna’s third missed meal, John walks Clara to Isabella's and goes to Anna’s house. He knocks hard on the door, taking out his frustration on the wood. Anna takes a long time to answer. She comes to the door rubbing her eyes, half asleep at seven in the evening.
"What?" she demands.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" John’s eyes are wide with anger. "Anna, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on
with you."
"Why are you swearing at me?" Anna says indignantly.
"What happened Anna? What am I missing?" She stares at him, offering no explanation, so he continues, angrier for her silence. "Pemberley’s cancer is tragic, but you were dealing with it. You mother is fantastic and you were so happy about the wedding. You are incredible with Clara and I know you love her.”
“I do love her,” Anna interrupts but says nothing more.
“I know you are happy for this baby to come.” He waits, trying to force his witness into an uncomfortable silence, an answer, an explanation, anything. Anna offers nothing.
Finally John asks the real question, the only question. “Is it me?"
Anna says nothing. She just stares into his face like he is speaking an unfamiliar language. After a moment, she closes the door in his face and locks it.
John stands stunned. He braces his legs and leans in to give the door the full force of his shoulder. He catches himself centimeters before impact. That is exactly what she wants. She wants to prove that he could hurt her and he won't give her any reason to fear him, no matter how hard it is to swallow this and walk away. He breathes through his rage, walks to 516 and sits on the swing, gliding to find a calm.
He wonders if their life will always be conflict and strife, peppered with brief, happy moments? Like with Sarah. He hasn't admitted that to himself in a long time. His years with Sarah were a struggle. When they argued, she held onto so much anger. It sustained her. Maintaining the peace, especially during the years of infertility, was a bigger and bigger challenge. He hardly saw his parents during those years. Sarah couldn't settle into their marriage. She had trouble adjusting to Chicago. Becoming a mother was unexpectedly hard but then that became something much worse.
I’m chasing my tail, John thinks, walking inside the house. He hopes Anna will come knocking at Clara's bedtime. She doesn't.
Two days later John still hasn’t seen Anna. After Clara goes to school, John knocks at Anna's door again. She doesn't answer so he looks for her on the beach. She sits in the sand, hair blowing in the winter breeze. It is cool, but sunny. John sits next to her in the sand, feeling a greater distance from her than ever before.
Circling The Shadows Page 27
