The next day, while Anna is walking the beach, John calls Clara into the bathroom. He fills one inch of water and asks if she wants to take a bath. "More water Daddy, like Anna does." Clara shouts.
"Anna bathes you?" John asks.
Clara nods.
"When?" John asks.
"When Daddy plays guitar with Bella's Daddy. I don't like showers."
John smiles, appreciating Anna's bath time duplicity. "Come on, let Daddy get used to it. Just a little water today. Okay?" he pleads.
"Hello," Anna calls up the stairs a few minutes later.
"Anna!" Clara calls to her. Anna walks into the bathroom and John is seated by the tub looking tense but in control. He has one hand firmly attached to Clara's arm. "Too tight Daddy," Clara reminds him. "More water Daddy?"
"Not today darling, maybe tomorrow."
Later, John gets a call from Joe. "Big news ladies. Circles is making a dockside debut Sunday afternoon."
"How wonderful!” Circles practices had become somewhat irregular over the winter. Locals tended to chase the sunshine in January and February. John was the only one who moved toward the cold.
"Yeah, four o'clock for Sunday happy hour." He is excited and leans into his computer screen.
"John. Might it be time for some reading glasses?" Anna asks. "You are turning forty this summer."
"Nope. Thanks though."
Anna walks to the kitchen and returns quickly, handing him a bag from the pharmacy.
"What did you do Anna?" he asks. She picked these up earlier in the week, noticing him squinting after his months away. She can tell he is pleased though.
He opens the bag and pulls out his first readers. "Fuck."
"Just try them," Anna says, smiling at his vanity. He tries them on and, if possible, he is even sexier with glasses.
"Oh my god, you've got the sexy librarian thing down pat."
"I want to be the sexy attorney," he says looking into his screen. "Fuck!"
"Works, huh?" she says proudly, so glad to have him back.
Sunday is a sunny, warm day with the first hints of summer's heat to come. Anna and Clara sit with Barbara and Isabella at a table close enough for a view, but far enough that they can talk. They compare bellies.
"One more week?" Barbara asks and Anna nods. "You look like you’ve dropped a lot."
"I feel like it could be any day now."
"How's the shared roof thing going?" Barbara asks. Anna is thankful for Barbara's judgment free understanding. Anna has told Barbara most of her story; Barbara has probably filled in the blanks with her years of therapeutic experience and a keen sense of intuition.
"It's going well. John bathed Clara this week. It was an inch of water, but he is doing it."
"Oh good. He sure is doing the work, Anna. You are too. I have news, too. We have started the adoption process for a third child.”
“Barbara, that is absolutely wonderful!” Anna says, happy for her friends.
The music starts. They have a good crowd. Anna even sees Lynn sticking to the periphery. Circles begins with Genesis, moves into The Who, then Bad Company and Foreigner. The crowd is dancing and calling out requests. Clara pulls Anna to dance when they play Freebird.
"Daddy's song," Clara says leading Anna. Anna feels a gush of water running down her legs. At first, she thinks it is blood and panics, her face gets Barbara's attention.
"Oh my god Anna. Your water just broke!"
"It's too soon. I still have another week. My mother is coming. And Jane. Oh Barbara, I'm not ready. John isn't ready."
"Yet, that baby is still coming."
Anna sits back down, stunned and motionless. Barbara comes up with a game plan. "After this song, I am going to get John. They can finish without him. I am going to keep Clara. I have keys to your house. I'll pack you some things and bring a bag to you. Okay so far?" Anna nods. "I'll Facebook Stephanie and she can get in touch with Jane and Ellen. Okay?" Anna nods.
Freebird is a very long song.
"Are you sure you are okay to drive?" Anna asks as he pulls her toward the car.
"Would you rather drive?" John snaps, opening her door and slamming it, after she is in the seat.
"John," Anna says when he gets in. "Let's take a moment. We are freaking out here. We both need to settle down. Please. Let's just breathe."
He grabs the wheel with both hands. He drops his chin to his chest and breathes four long breaths. "I'm sorry."
"John, everything you might be feeling today is understandable. Let's just take it slow, together. Okay?"
He takes two more loud breaths for good measure before nodding.
"Tell me something horrible. Something you are thinking but don't want to say. Quick. Don't think about it."
"I have two. One. The day Clara was born was the beginning of the end of Sarah's life." He speaks to the steering wheel. “Two. The last time you did this was one of the worst days of your life and Pemberley isn’t here, and I am going to fall short.”
Anna gasps at the horrors on his mind. "Jesus Christ, you sure covered it. Okay there it is. It's better to have it out. I promise you this John, today is not the end of my life. Unless of course ours is a Nicholas Sparks story in which case I'm sure to die in childbirth."
John rolls his eyes.
"Not funny? No, I guess not. And you will not fall short. You are all I need. Today is this baby’s day and it is not that day." Anna says patting her belly, punctuating her statement.
John starts the car and drives to Charleston Women’s and Children's Hospital. Dr. Singh calls John's cell phone when they are walking in. She wants to check on Anna. Barbara had, of course, called to tell her about Anna's water breaking.
In a frenzied whirlwind over the next hours, they are checked into a birthing room. Anna's contractions begin. Barbara magically appears with a packed bag and reports that the troops are amassing. Anna breathes through her contractions holding John's hands very tightly. The contractions get bad quickly and are focused in Anna's lower back. Anna declines pain relief.
“Why Anna? Get the epidural!” John begs.
“I’m doing this naturally, John. I’m doing it my way today.”
He can’t argue with her.
When Dr. Singh arrives, she examines Anna. The pain seems to be focused in her lower back because the baby is turned around in a posterior position. She will manually try to shift the baby but first wants Anna to try a bit of walking to see if she moves herself.
"Of course, there is the tub." She points casually with her thumb. John pulls the curtain and reveals a large shiny metallic tub with motor jets.
"Motherfucker," he says under his breath. Dr. Singh says she will return in thirty minutes. She recommends walking the halls.
They walk twenty-seven laps of the labor and delivery unit. Anna leans against the wall during contractions with John massaging her back. After thirty minutes, Dr. Singh tries to manually shift the baby. "She's a feisty one. Feisty and strong. She's not budging. Okay Anna, take a break and if you are up to it, try walking again. If you want to try the tub, help yourself. I can give you the epidural anytime, but it will slow things down and you'll be stuck in the bed."
Anna chooses rest for an hour. They watch reruns of Seinfeld. John continues to massage Anna's back. After a particularly bad contraction Anna says, "John. I need you to leave now."
"What?" he doesn’t even comprehend her words.
"You have to go. I'm getting in that tub. At this rate, I might give birth in there. I'm sorry. I love you, but you have to leave."
"I'm not going anywhere." He is as unmoving as a Rodin.
"Are you going to stop me?”
"No?" he asks, instead of answers.
"Are you going to flashback and pull me from the tub?”
“No?” he again asks, instead of answers.
“Hyperventilate?"
"Probably," he admits.
"Fair enough, get me in there."
He turns on the water
. His face is brave, but she knows he is faking. "John take a Xanax."
"I don't carry them."
"I do." She reaches for her purse.
"You carry my Xanax?" he laughs.
"A few, fuck yes."
“That is really sweet Anna. Weird, but really sweet. I'm only taking a half." He reaches for the pills.
When the bathtub is full, she climbs in slowly, giving him time to adjust.
"I'm okay. You okay?" he asks.
She luxuriates in the warm, soothing water, nodding her satisfaction. He sits behind her and rubs her shoulders. The water eases the pain in her back more than expected. John refreshes the water periodically. When Dr. Singh returns, she is able to move the baby into a better position.
"You are almost ready to begin pushing. Would you like to stay in the tub?" she asks.
Anna looks to John and he nods.
“John, you may join her in the tub if you like. It helps if she can brace herself against you during the birth.” Dr. Singh leaves to check on other patients.
"Coming in?" Anna asks.
"Are you serious?”
She nods.
“Motherfucker." John fishes out the other half of his Xanax and strips down to his underwear.
"Give me your tee shirt. I feel too naked for this. And the nurses will enjoy the John show," Anna says.
He throws it at Anna, not as gently as one might expect a man to throw a shirt at a laboring woman.
"I'd fucking call this immersion therapy," he says, getting in behind her. She rests comfortably between his legs, leaning against his chest.
"John, this very moment right now?"
"Mmhmm?"
"I've never been happier in my entire life.”
He thinks for a moment. "Neither have I. The Xanax helps though."
She gives him a pinch. He reaches for his phone. "Let's send a picture to Dr. Lane," he says snapping the shot.
"Did you just take your first selfie? This is a banner day."
When the baby comes, she emerges into the water, a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby girl. John manages to stay conscious and Anna truly has never been happier.
"I'd like to name her Lynn, “Anna says.
"Lynn Bono?"
"Lynn Elaine. Sort of Ellen and Jane together."
"Perfect." John is already in love with her.
Sixteen
“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.”
Chuck Palahnuik, Fight Club
All four grandparents take over 517 and pass around their grandchildren for a week. Jane and Conrad return to Austin so he can finish out the semester, agreeing to come back over July 4th for a memorial service for Pemberley. Rodrigo and Ellen visit Lynn and rent 518 for the month of July.
Anna heals quickly. She is relieved the birth is over and she can hold her baby in her arms. She was terrified how John would react to the birth and the blood and the stress, and she is elated that it is over and he was wonderful. At dinner parties for years to come, they will laugh about a certain Texan climbing into a birthing tub.
John, of course, worries that Anna will get depressed after the grandparents leave. He watches her closely, waiting for signs she is slipping. He watches her food intake, her sleeping patterns, her stress levels, her moods, the tone of her voice, her energy level, her engagement with the baby, her interest in Clara. Anna watches John watching her. It is okay though. John earned a lot of goodwill and patience by getting into that birthing tub. And she doesn't slip.
After six weeks, Anna counts the days, she visits his bed at night. He has fallen asleep. He took the early shift with Lynn. She crawls in with him and stays. She curls up close to his side, laying a hand on his chest and her hair fans the pillow. She sleeps. He stirs later realizing she is with him. He turns to her and eases off her tee shirt and slips down her underwear. He fills her, holding her tight. She talks quietly into his ear about loving him and trusting him and needing him every second of her life. They come together and go back to sleep together.
After the rush of check-ins before Memorial Day weekend, Anna walks into Beach Coast Real Estate with Lynn in her stroller. Anna greets Lynn warmly at the counter.
"Lynn, I have been meaning to stop in. I want to introduce someone to you.”
“This beautiful little sweetheart?” Lynn asks coming around the counter.
"This is our daughter. This is Lynn. We named her for you." Anna lays her hand on Lynn’s arm, so grateful for everything Lynn has done for them.
Lynn reaches down and smooths baby Lynn’s cheek with her thumb. “She is a perfect angel.”
“John and I would like to know if you might join us for dinner one night."
Lynn smiles, "I will join you Anna. Thank you."
And she does. She joins John and Anna for an evening with Barbara and Joe and two little girls and two little baby girls.
"Four beautiful little girls. What are the chances?" Lynn marvels, holding little Lynn. They learn quickly that Lynn isn't interested in reminiscing. There are no 'good old days' singing around a bonfire for Lynn. She is very interested in Anna's growing novel and John's casework. She is an excellent conversationalist, debating nature versus nurture with Joe and sharing tips about the best local babysitters with Barbara.
In July, everyone comes to Osprey Island. Mikey and Sammie and Stephanie and Brian stay in 517. Ellen and Rodrigo host Conrad and Jane in 518. Rodrigo even invites Nurse Jordan to stay at 518 for the week. Many friends and colleagues of Pemberley's fill the inns in town. Cousins take the extra rooms in 518. Rodrigo charters a large boat for the evening of July 4th. He hires a band and hosts a grand feast. The attire is black tie. It is exactly the evening Pemberley would have wanted. Before the fireworks begin, everyone gathers at the bow of the ship and shares memories of Pemberley.
Anna takes her turn last. "I could talk about Pemberley all night. My wonderful and outrageous friend and, at the end, my sister. On the day I met Pemberley, we were at some award gala and she was receiving yet another extraordinary honor for the fantastic work she did. I ran into her in the bathroom. She was crying on a bench. I know this does not sound like Pemberley at all. She told me about the story she was being recognized for. It was about women who were stoned by their families, honor killings, for refusing to enter into arranged marriages. They refused, knowing they were going to die, dozens of them. They were murdered violently. It was an epidemic in a village in Pakistan. These girls decided to take a stand, and they were slaughtered. Pemberley threw the little lucite statue into the garbage can. She told me she needed to feed hungry people to shake this feeling of filth and asked me to help her. I would have followed her to the ends of the earth. We went to what seemed like every pizza place in New York City and we bought every pizza. She wouldn't let me contribute a cent. She hand delivered pizza to every hungry person she could find in New York City. She had pizzas delivered to shelters and soup kitchens, even hospital emergency rooms. The city ate pizza that night. Pem spent over sixteen thousand dollars. Later we got drunk in Central Park, still in our ball gowns, drinking whiskey out of paper sacks. I've loved her ever since."
When the fireworks begin, Anna helps Rodrigo spread Pemberley's ashes into the sea, lit by bursts of color. It is a lovely tribute.
The summer passes quickly. Anna and John enjoy a quiet first anniversary celebration, sitting on the deck, enjoying their wine long after the girls have gone to bed. John feels pressure to make their lives more permanent.
"Where do you want to be permanently, Anna?" he asks, playing with a curl at her shoulder.
"Our people are at all corners of the globe," she points out. "My mother's Atlanta house has sold. She and Rodrigo will stay in Connecticut. I can't see living in the northeast right now. I love Austin, but I'm not sure I'd want to be there all of the time."
"Understood. Texas is a state of mind," John says. "Chicago wasn’t feeling like home to me this winter. Can we stay here?"
"What would you w
ant for the girls?" Anna asks.
“Austin is my childhood. Chicago was Sarah for me. Osprey Island is all Anna."
"John, I'd love to stay here. The pace of our lives is perfect. We have enough money. I fear that if we go to a city, we will turn all corporate and become workaholics and hire nannies and travel and never see the girls and grow apart and you'll stop playing music and I'll stop writing and I'll join a gym and wear yoga pants every day and fight with other PTA moms. I don't want it. Is that wrong?”
"No Anna, it is just right. We have built a good life here. We have friends and I like my work. I like being attached to your hip. I like seeing my kids grow up. I like being a part of this community. We can travel more to see the others."
"And they certainly like coming here. I think my brothers will come and visit soon, too," Anna grins at the memory of meeting her half-brothers in England. They were all smiles, laughter and full of warmth. “You might have to fight Callum for the kitchen.”
“I bet he can show me a thing or two. I can’t wait to meet them. Let’s get them to move here too. Callum can open a restaurant and Eric can open a health clinic closer to Osprey Island. Dollars to donuts Rodrigo buys 518 within a year," John says.
"Do you think so? I'd love that," Anna starts plotting silently. "John, just wondering. How would you feel about trying for a boy? Another girl would be fine, too, of course. Do you want to have another baby?" Anna asks innocently with shining blue eyes.
John looks at her in disbelief. His jaw hangs and his eyebrows arch high. He can’t believe she is even asking this question. It is unimaginable, unbelievable, impossible. Yet, he can’t believe how far they have come. When he first walked up to this house not much more than a year ago, he was living day-to-day, and just barely. He was far more likely to end the year at the bottom of the ocean than happily married, living with his two kids and considering a third. He shakes his head and laughs at the absurdity of it. But, of course, he does want to have another baby with her. He knows they are just starting their journey together and he is grateful.
Circling The Shadows Page 29
