by Lois Richer
“Lyn, there’s no way you have to go through all this yourself. I’m here. Mom and Dad would love to see you. There’s Robyn and the other girls. Lots of people are there, just aching for a chance to help you out. But they won’t offer again. You’ll have to ask.”
He stopped when she shook her head.
Caitlin didn’t say the words but Jordan could almost hear them in the silence of the kitchen. He knew what she was thinking, could read the words in her expressive eyes.
I’ve gone through that too many times. And everybody always goes away when I need them. Just like my parents, just like Michael, just like you did.
What Caitlin did say didn’t make him feel any better.
“I’ve got to face life on my own terms and learn to handle what comes along. I can’t afford to depend on other people all the time. Besides,” she squared her shoulders. “I should be really good at it by now.”
Jordan flinched at the misery underlying those words. He watched her push her plate away before ambling slowly to the living room. He followed silently, standing by helplessly until she sank onto the soft cushions of the sofa, her sigh piercing his heart.
“Caitlin, honey, I wish Mike was here for you. I’d give anything if he could be here to help you through this.” He took a deep breath. “But since he isn’t, I’d like to help. Sort of a stand-in. If you’ll let me.” His dark eyes met hers seriously. “Whatever you need, Lyn, you just tell me.”
“I know you’d like to help.” Caitlin closed her eyes, her wistful face pinched and tired. “And I know you’re there, Jordan. Thanks.”
But it wasn’t the same thing and they both knew it.
“I know everyone thought we were foolish to marry like that, that it was too fast. I knew people thought Michael wasn’t very responsible about a lot of things. That was okay, I was responsible enough for both of us.” She fiddled with her hands, twisting one inside the other.
“I knew he was a terrible driver and took too many chances. But I never took any chances! Michael bubbled with life, he could hardly wait to dig in and sample everything.” Her voice clouded with emotion and he watched her struggle to keep herself under control.
“But I loved him, Jordan! And I didn’t care about any of that. I don’t understand why he had to die. Where was God when Michael needed him?”
The tears came then, rolling down her cheeks in rivulets of emotion.
“You tell me, Jordan. Why couldn’t God have left Michael to watch his baby being born, taking the first step, growing up? Why?”
Jordan sat silent, helpless, and watched her weep. Then when he could be silent no longer, he sank onto the cushion beside her and wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders. Ignoring his own aching heart, he cradled her head against his chest.
“Caitlin, I loved him, too. He was my brother.” He let his fingers stroke over her dark curls as he tried to express himself clearly. “And I don’t pretend to comprehend the way the universe works. How could I, a mere human, ever grasp something so complicated?”
She peered up at him through her swollen, redrimmed eyes and Jordan felt his heart bump in the old familiar way. Gently he pressed her back against the sofa, away from him. He searched for the words to adequately explain his faith.
“I think that life holds something wonderful for each one of us if we look for it. And that’s true for you, too, if you’ll only look ahead. You’re doing work that interests you. You’re moving into a new home. You’re going to have a baby!”
He lifted her chin, coaxing her to look at him. “Yes, you’ve had some rough times. And there may be more to come. But you’ve got to believe that God loves you and cares for you enough to be there whenever you need Him. You have to trust that He will do the best for you, even if we can’t understand right now.”
“And you think I should trust someone who took away the one thing I loved most in this world?” Caitlin watched him, her eyes vicious shards of jade. “You think I should just shrug it off and move on?”
Jordan groaned inwardly as he listened to her tirade. The one thing she loved most. It hurt to hear her say that about Mike and not him. But it hurt more that she was still bitter and full of anger against God.
“How can I believe in something so vengeful?”
He shook his head. “No, Lyn. He is never like that. There was a reason Michael had to die. I don’t know what it was. You and I will probably never know what he might have had to face if he had lived. But God knew and decided it was time for him to leave. And because He’s God, He did what was best.”
Caitlin shuffled a little, pulling herself up and forward. Jordan let his hand fall away.
“I know what’s right, Jordan. I know all the appropriate words, all the correct phrases.” She peered at him from under her lashes. “I know I should have shared the baby with your parents. Michael would have loved that.”
He nodded.
“It’s just that I can’t seem to get there. Can you understand that? I made the choice, I put everything I had into that marriage. And He took it away. Why?”
Jordan patted her hair awkwardly, searching for the right words. “I don’t know, sweetheart. But He didn’t take everything. He gave you something, too, Lyn. A brand-new baby. A living memory of Michael. You owe it to Michael and his child to go on with your life. That baby is going to need its grandma and grandpa.”
“Junior’s got me.” She hugged her mounded stomach protectively.
“And he’s a lucky baby to have you. But children need families. Friends. Uncles.” He smiled, praying desperately for the right words. “You’ve grieved a long time, Caitlin. It’s time to live. Will you let us in now? Let us share some of the good times and the bad with you?”
She didn’t say anything, just sat there, peering at him, thinking it all over. Jordan knew she would need time to adapt, change gears. He was more than willing to give it to her if it meant she would allow him back into her life.
Maybe if he went now and let her think about it, she’d realize how much she needed him. He stood. “One of these days it’s going to start snowing and it won’t stop. You need to focus on the future, get ready for this baby. You’re moving soon, right?”
He pulled his leather jacket from a nearby chair and tugged it over his shirt, studying her wan face seriously. “I’ll come over tomorrow and we’ll get things organized.”
She smiled, her voice softly accusing. “You always were the organizer, Jordan. That much hasn’t changed.”
“Can I get the family to help?” He held his breath, waiting for her answer. Surely she wouldn’t deny them this little bit of sharing, not when she was so worn-out.
He pushed it just a tad further. “You’re tired, Lyn. You need to rest. Let us help. Just this once. No strings, I promise.”
She smiled but there was no bitterness in those jade depths. She seemed to have accepted that it was time to lean on someone else. Or maybe she was just too tired to argue.
“It won’t be this once and you know it, Jordan Andrews.” Her mouth slashed in a teasing grin. “Your mother will have everyone marching to her tune within five minutes of her arrival. The two of you are like peas in a pod in that respect.”
Jordan arched one eyebrow teasingly. “And that’s bad?”
“That’s Andrews.” She sighed, but he heard laughter hidden in the depths. “All right! I’ll do it your way. Just this once.”
“And can I tell them about the baby?” He wanted her to do that herself, but maybe it was asking too much.
“If you want to.” She shrugged, lurching to her feet.
She pretended it didn’t matter, but he knew better. Still, this one relenting bit was a step forward. And that one step was better than none at all.
“All right! What time is good? Ten?”
Caitlin nodded tiredly, one hand massaging her hip. “I suppose. I’ll be awake no matter what time they come.” She followed him to the door, slopping along in her floppy slippers. “I’m always awak
e.”
“I’m sorry, honey.” He stood there for a moment, staring down at her, aching to hold her, ease her burden.
“No, I’m sorry I’m so cranky. Thanks for everything, Jordan.” She offered a tremulous smile that tore at his heart.
“It’s okay, Lyn. You can tell me anything, you know. It won’t make any difference.” He picked up her hand and held it between both of his.
Her fingers curved soft and delicate in his. Jordan glanced up, searching her tired face. A pain tightened his chest as he noted the lines around her mouth, the blue tinge under her eyes.
“Don’t let the past be only sadness, Lyn. Michael loved life and he went all out for whatever he wanted. Be happy. That’s what he would have wanted for you.”
The rest could wait. They had time. Please, God, give her time to accept me.
“Remember to call if you want me. I left my number by your phone. I can be here in five minutes. Okay?”
Caitlin nodded, although Jordan wasn’t sure what she was agreeing to. Perhaps she only meant she understood about the phone call. Feelings of helplessness washed through him as he closed the door softly behind him, waited for her to lock up and then got into his car and drove away in the chilly fall evening.
His heart ached to hold and comfort the young woman he’d seen peering out from those weary worn eyes. He wished he could take away some of her pain. He wanted her to trust him. He wanted to be there for her, to share part of the burden.
He wanted to go back in time, back to a past when he should have grabbed at the childish adoration she’d so innocently offered.
Instead he’d run away, cleared the field because he’d known his younger brother was in love with Caitlin. And he’d watched while Michael had claimed her. Caitlin was Michael’s wife and now she carried Michael’s child.
In her current state, Caitlin wasn’t ready to hear anything about Jordan’s regrets. Maybe she never would be. And he could deal with that. He’d have to.
But what he wouldn’t accept was that wall of distance she projected, the refusal to find the good things God had given her. Life wasn’t all bad. He could show her some beautiful parts of it, parts that were bright and happy and filled with promise.
He itched to order her to relax and let someone else be at the helm for a while. He wanted to coddle her, make her feel safe. He wanted to be the one she put in charge.
Jordan mocked this ridiculous notion. He’d wager his new high-tech digital scanner that Caitlin Andrews would find it awfully difficult to let go of the controls. And he knew she’d bat his ears if she ever caught him trying to coddle her from anything. But he would be there anyway. Just in case she wanted him.
For something. For anything.
Jordan breathed a silent prayer for Caitlin as he wove his car through the streets toward his lonely apartment. She was beautiful in a way that no other woman had ever been to him and her pain stabbed him deep in his heart.
“Help her, Lord. And help me. I can’t give up on her.”
Chapter Three
Caitlin opened the door the next morning to the boisterous crowd outside with a reminiscent smile. “Come on in!”
It was just like old times. Except that, back then, she and Michael had usually gone to the Andrewses’. Their sprawling split-level housed assorted numbers of Michael’s family at any given time and one more was always welcome. She had often arrived for dinner uninvited and Eliza, Michael’s mother, had always been just as gracious as she was now.
“Caitlin, my dear. How are you?”
Caitlin found herself enveloped by soft round arms in a loving hug that warmed her tired soul. Eliza’s periwinkle eyes searched her face.
“Oh, honey, I’m so happy for you, so happy about the baby!”
Tears welled in Caitlin’s eyes, her heart blooming with relief. She should have known she could trust Michael’s mother. Not a word of recrimination, no demands to know why she hadn’t told them. Just friendly care and concern.
Why hadn’t she told them sooner? Why was she so scared of allowing them in?
She thrilled as the trickle of warmth in Eliza’s smile stimulated a ray of warmth in her frozen heart. “Thank you, Eliza. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“There’s nothing at all to be sorry for. I’m just so thankful the Lord has brought you back to us.” Eliza hugged her again, her eyes tender, her arms welcoming.
There wasn’t time for much else. Stan Andrews insisted on his turn at hugging little Caity as he’d always called her.
“I’m not so little anymore, Stan.” She glanced down at her protruding stomach.
He laughed, but deep in his eyes Caitlin could see the flash of pain. It was gone as quickly as it appeared.
“All the more to love,” he whispered in her ear, bringing a glow of happiness to her world. Here again, unconditional love.
She had missed them, Caitlin realized. More than she would have thought possible. But she had to be careful. No matter how friendly they were now, they would eventually leave, go on with their own lives, and she’d be left behind. After all, she wasn’t Michael’s wife anymore.
“Do you mind?” Jordan’s distressed voice boomed behind them. “You’re blocking the doorway, little mama.” He had a load of empty boxes in his arms.
“If my brother starts making those gross motherto-be jokes, just let me know.” It was Robyn, trim and fit, elbowing her brother out of the doorway, a little blond girl on her hip.
“I’ll straighten him out posthaste.” Robyn held up a hand and waved it threateningly around his ears. “I’m allowing no talk about weight gain today.”
“All right, already. I’m going.” Jordan moved out of the way to put his load down in the living room.
Olivia came behind her sister, imitating Robyn’s wild hand movements. Both of them converged on Caitlin, hugging her while they proclaimed their congratulations. For her part, Caitlin exclaimed over the baby as she coaxed the little girl into her arms.
While the dear, noisy, garrulous family gathered together in her tiny little living room, Caitlin let her eyes wander round. Just for a moment she allowed the joy and pleasure of it all to flow into her, rejuvenate her. She considered what she had been willing to give up and called herself a fool. This could have been hers all along.
Of course, it would be all the harder to manage alone now, having experienced the warm sense of belonging once more. But even if it was only temporary, it was worth it to have them all here again.
They were a family. Happy, loving, enjoying each other’s company. And, for now, they wanted her to be a part of it. Why couldn’t she just accept that and join in? Why did she feel so lost, out of place, like an interloper?
Jordan’s fingers squeezed hers as the tears welled in her eyes. He alone seemed to realize how much this moment meant to her and she hadn’t even heard him come close. She turned to glance at him and saw his encouraging smile.
“They just want to help,” he murmured in her ear. “We just want to love you.”
“Okay, children. This is the way we’re going to do this.”
Within minutes Eliza had everyone organized. After an inspection of her puffy ankles, Caitlin was dispatched to her bedroom to rest on the bed, feet up, while her sisters-in-law packed up her wardrobe.
“You know I’ve got two or three outfits left over from Eudora’s premiere,” Robyn offered thoughtfully. “You’re welcome to them if you want a change. Although I’m certain I was ten sizes bigger than you before I delivered.” She twisted and turned in front of the mirror, checking her trim figure.
“Don’t worry. You’ve still got some left.” Olivia teased her sister with a grin of commiseration as she emptied drawers. “Mom said you keep a little with each baby.”
“Not me. I’m not keeping any of it,” Robyn assured them both. “Next time I’m going to be extra careful about what I eat.”
“I’ve been careful,” Caitlin murmured, staring at her huge tummy. “I’ve do
ne everything by the book, including exercise. At my last checkup I’d gained twenty-nine pounds. That was not the plan.”
“You’re kidding! Twenty-nine?” Robyn pulled herself out of the closet to take a second look. “You don’t look that big.”
Olivia groaned and shook her head at her sister, grinning when she noticed Caitlin watching her in the big mirror. “Robyn always blurts out whatever she’s thinking. I have to watch her.”
“I heard about some things she said to Jordan.” Caitlin giggled, remembering her brother-in-law’s face the day he’d described his niece’s debut. “He seems traumatized by your daughter’s arrival.” She burst out in delighted laughter at Robyn’s exasperated snort.
“That man doesn’t have the sense of a pea when it comes to having babies!” Red spots of indignant color glowed brightly on Robyn’s cheekbones. “I feel sorry for any woman my brother marries. And woe betide her if they ever decide to have children. She’ll probably knock him out before it’s over. And he’ll deserve it!”
Caitlin glanced at Olivia, who rolled her eyes and shrugged.
“What happened?” Caitlin finally asked, smothering her giggles with great difficulty.
“He told me to stop being such a wimp! Can you believe it? As if that great lummox could even imagine pushing a nine-pound watermelon out of his body! The man has no compassion.”
“None at all,” Olivia agreed, smirking at Caitlin behind her sister’s back. She leaned down to whisper. “He told her that having a baby was a perfectly normal, natural thing for a woman to do.”
“Well, I suppose it is,” Caitlin murmured, frowning. She wouldn’t have said it, but she couldn’t argue with his logic.
“Maybe. But no one in their right mind tells a woman doing hard labor that women in some countries have their babies and then go immediately back to the field and finish their work. Not if you value your life.”
“And not if that woman is Robyn,” Caitlin agreed, remembering that Michael’s sister was particularly sensitive to pain. “We’ll have to give him the benefit of the doubt then. Jordan wasn’t in his right mind.”
