by Lois Richer
Of course, he hadn’t expected Michael to marry her! That had come as a total shock. And a revelation. Jordan came home after the wedding, of course. He had to, had to see it to believe it. He’d even been coerced into playing a part in the celebrations his parents had thrown. But as soon as he could, he’d left, using business as his excuse.
Because even though Caitlin was married to Michael, Jordan still loved her. It was despicable! It was wrong. It was a sin. He stayed away, praying desperately that God would take away this longing for the forbidden. And when Michael had died, driving his car, Jordan knew it was his fault because he’d hidden that love inside and nurtured it. He had no choice but to disappear from her life. He couldn’t hang around Oakburn, knowing that he was in love with his brother’s wife. That would have been traitorous.
But what about now?
He still loved her. Jordan had no doubts about that. It was a different kind of love, though. A more mature love. He was prepared to bide his time, let her get used to having him around again. Then he’d test the waters. Maybe in time, please God, she’d see him as something more than the bossy older brother.
“Jordan? Don’t you agree?” Caitlin’s earnest face frowned up at him. “About waiting,” she prompted.
“There’s nothing wrong with waiting,” Clay insisted. “God will let me know when it’s the right time.”
“I think He already has.” Caitlin’s voice was firm. “After ten years Maryann is back, she’s single and she has a little girl who needs a father. What more do you need? A lightning bolt?”
Jordan grinned at her vehemence. Caitlin never prevaricated. If there was a decision to be made, she considered both sides, weighed the arguments and chose. If it was a wrong choice, so be it. She dealt with the flak. But she didn’t spend time dithering about which route to take. Maybe it was time to take a leaf out of her book.
“She’s right, Clay. A man needs to be strong. Forceful. To go after what he wants. If your motives are pure, God will direct you.”
Ha! Were his own motives pure? Jordan ignored that nasty little voice and weighed his options.
I love Caitlin he said to himself. I want to marry her, to help her raise the baby. I want to be able to tell the world that I love her. I don’t want to feel ashamed or embarrassed about my feelings any more.
Yes. That was the truth. So now it was time to lay it all on the line.
Jordan glanced at the other man. Unlike Clay, he was certain he would know the right place and time to tell her. And he’d just have to keep praying that she would get past her fears of abandonment and realize that he wasn’t going anywhere without her.
“Jordan? I’ve just told Clay we’ll help him think of some compliments when he comes tomorrow night. Is that okay with you?”
Jordan nodded yes while inside his mind screamed no! If Clay was going to hang around all the time, how would he ever get an opportunity to talk to Caitlin privately?
The following weekend Caitlin allowed herself to sink a little deeper into the softness of her chair as the conversation around her raged on. It was girls’ afternoon at Wintergreen, as the Andrews women had officially dubbed it, and it was turning out to be fun.
“Women are more mature. They know what they want and they go after it. Why can’t men understand that?” Robyn sighed.
“Because men are romantics.” Eliza sipped her tea calmly. “They want us to be helpless, to need them. And we do. But we can also function perfectly well on our own in some matters. That’s irritating to someone who sees you as the little woman.”
“That’s what Jordan’s like,” Caitlin offered. She flushed a little when Robyn’s eyes focused on her. “Well, he is! He thinks I can’t vacuum the floor just because I’m pregnant. He insists on bringing in a cleaning service which is silly because I always clean up before they come so they won’t think I live in filth.”
A burst of sympathetic laughter agreed.
“It’s not funny,” she grumbled. “Yesterday I wanted to clean out that hall cupboard. He insisted on bringing this chair out into the hallway and I had to sit there while he sorted through the junk left over from the move.” She shifted uncomfortably. “I’m pregnant, not paralyzed.”
“Jordan always was pushy. He’s the type who walks little old ladies across the street, even when they don’t want to go.” Natasha’s voice rang with the certainty of a younger sister from her position on the floor where she reclined against some cushions.
“He’s good-hearted though, Nat. You have to give him that. He wouldn’t willingly hurt a flea.” Olivia snatched another brownie and bit into it with a sigh. “He also eats like a whale and never gains an ounce. Why didn’t you pass that gene on to me, Mother?”
“It belonged to your father. And he kept it for the boys. Michael always ate well, too.”
Silence, stark and bare greeted her words. Eliza stared for a moment, then rushed into speech. “Oh, Caitlin, my dear. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you.” She patted her daughter-in-law’s hand worriedly. “Sometimes I forget and, well…” She stopped.
“It’s all right, Eliza. Really. I know Michael’s gone. And I’m sad about it. But I can still talk about him, remember him, without breaking down. I think.”
“Of course you can.” Natasha’s bracing tones were exactly what they all needed. “Michael might have died, but you didn’t. You’re alive and it’s only natural that you should go on with your life, find someone else to love.” She studied Caitlin with a frown.
“Is this Clay guy the one you’ve chosen?”
“Natasha!” Robyn, Olivia and Eliza all burst out at the same time.
“That’s none of your business, Nat. Caitlin doesn’t have to explain to you.” Robyn’s rueful glance met Caitlin’s. “Just ignore her.”
“No, of course I won’t ignore her.” Caitlin rubbed a hand over her forehead, wondering where to start.
“Good. So spill it all, Caitlin. I want to know what Clay means to you.” Natasha’s generous mouth curved down. “I somehow never thought of him as your kind of guy. But what do I know?”
“Exactly what I’d like to know.” Robyn’s eyebrows raised meaningfully, but whatever else she was going to say was drowned by her daughter’s cries. “Come on, sweetie,” she comforted Eudora. “Mommy’ll kiss it better.”
“Clayton Matthews is just a friend. Someone I’m trying to help out. He’s not interested in me at all.” Would that do it? Caitlin certainly hoped so.
Olivia assumed the lotus position, grinned and popped anther chip into her mouth. “The only time I ever saw him notice a woman was last week at church. He couldn’t take his eyes off Maryann MacGregor.”
“Exactly. He wants to ask her out, but he’s a little bit shy.” Caitlin shifted, knowing that to mention the subject was to elicit unasked-for advice.
“If I remember correctly, his mother had rather a rough time raising all those boys after their father left,” Eliza murmured, staring out the window at the waning sun. “It’s too bad someone didn’t take him in hand long ago.”
“So, you’re not interested in Clay.” Natasha took another sip of her soda, lips pursed, eyes narrowed as she shifted fractionally on the sofa. “Who then?”
“Natasha!”
With one accord, the other Andrews women raised their eyebrows and rolled their eyes upward in exasperation. It was a trait they seemed to share with tacit agreement and to Caitlin those eye movements were more expressive than any words they could have uttered.
“Uh, you see, well,” Caitlin swallowed, searching for the right words. “I’m not really looking for a, um, a man. It’s not part of the plan. Not now I mean. That is, I haven’t had time to think about it. Not with the baby and everything.”
“You’re so young, you don’t want to spend your life alone, honey,” Eliza said. “You need someone to share your life with, someone to laugh with, have fun with, grow old with. Someone you can give your heart to.”
“I don’t kno
w anyone like that.”
It was a lie and they knew it as well as she. If she’d learned anything these past weeks it was that Jordan was all of those things. He didn’t mind when she was grumpy or angry, or when she lashed out at him. He took it all in stride and, in fact, encouraged her to express herself more often.
Jordan was comfortable, fun, and yet oddly exciting. She got the same rush out of seeing him come through the door that she’d gotten all those years ago when he’d dropped in at Aunt Lucy’s to pick her up for youth group.
Was the reason she didn’t want to talk about love because thinking about Jordan in that light made her feel guilty? Had she buried her feelings for the older brother when Michael came along, hoping that Michael could make her feel more secure, more in control? Or had she been so hurt by Jordan’s obvious insensitivity to her schoolgirl crush, that she’d turned to Michael to pay Jordan back?
Maybe she hadn’t been the best wife for Michael. Maybe she’d let herself fall in love with being married instead of being the kind of wife Michael had needed. Had Michael guessed that she’d only gone out with him that first time because she wanted to see Jordan?
Oh, where did all these questions come from? And why now, when it was too late to ask Michael if she’d disappointed him, if he’d known she’d once been in love with his brother? If he’d thought she was using him to get to Jordan?
“Are you planning on going to the fellowship supper next week at church?” Natasha asked.
“Jordan’s taking me. He said I needed to get out of the house.”
“That’s nice.” Eliza took Eudora from Robyn and put the little girl on her knee. “You know, Caitlin, I was looking at some old photos last night. Your wedding picture, actually. I know it wasn’t that long ago, but you looked so young. You’ve grown up a lot since then, haven’t you?”
“I like to think so.” Caitlin closed her eyes to stop the tears that came as she remembered that silly, scared little girl. Had she really changed at all?
“I think you’ve changed a lot.” Olivia looked up from her cross-stitch. “Michael used to say that you were his stabilizer, that you anchored him.”
“Not well enough, otherwise he’d never have been driving so wildly.” Caitlin felt she had to say it, they were all thinking it anyway.
“Caitlin. That didn’t have anything to do with you! You couldn’t have stopped him and you know it. Anyway, Michael was God’s child. You couldn’t have changed God’s time no matter what you did.” Eliza moved to wrap one arm around Caitlin. “Michael loved you, my dear girl. He thought the sun, moon and stars rolled around your head.”
“He would be glad to know you’re getting on with your life,” Robyn agreed. “Michael loved life too much to want anyone not to live it.”
“But I was so stupid. I was so scared that he’d leave me that I hung on too tightly. I’m sure he got tired of that.” A lump rose in her throat that she couldn’t swallow down. “Maybe I’m bad luck or something, I don’t know. But everyone I love seems to leave.”
“Caitlin Andrews you stop that right now!” Eliza stood up, tall and strong, her voice loving but firm. “Our God does not deal in luck!
“Yes, you’ve had a tragic life. But honey, don’t let yourself become some kind of a tragic hero. You and Michael loved each other. And God blessed your marriage with Junior here.” Eliza patted Caitlin’s stomach.
“Open your eyes and look around you. God has given you people who care about you. We do.”
The girls’ heads nodded in exuberant agreement.
“So does Jordan, and your friends here at Wintergreen. We’re your family and we’re not going anywhere. So let’s get on with life and move into the promised land. Okay?” Eliza brushed one hand in a tender caress across Caitlin’s cheek.
“Okay. I’ll try not to dwell in the desert anymore, Eliza.” Caitlin smiled, grateful that these woman cared enough to stay with her, challenge her.
“And you promise you’ll keep your eyes peeled for the wonderful things God is going to do in your life, the wonderful people He sends? You won’t shut them out?”
“I promise.”
“Promise what? What’s going on here? Good grief! You all look as though you’ve been peeling onions.” Jordan, tall, bossy and impossibly dear, stood in the doorway, frowning at all of them.
“Well? Are we going out for dinner or not?”
Caitlin glanced at Robyn, who raised her eyebrows at her sisters, but it was Eliza who finally burst into laughter. They all rose, searching for gloves and coats and purses.
“Yes, son, you’re going out for dinner. And Caitlin’s going with you. But Robyn and I have to get home. And Olivia’s got a date with her hubby. Natasha, now…” Her voice trailed away. “I have to think about Natasha,” they heard her murmur as she tugged on her boots, buttoned her coat and hurried out the door without even saying goodbye. “There must be someone for her.”
Natasha grimaced, her face sour as she pretended to slug Jordan on the shoulder. “Thanks a lot, Jordy,” she grumbled, her face fiery red. “Now she’ll start in on me and heaven knows who she’ll drag home! Last month she set up a blind date. A blind date!” She shook her head dismally. “He was as mortified as I was.”
“This is my fault?” Jordan looked completely stumped.
“Yes! You’re my big brother. You’re supposed to protect me.” Natasha’s forehead suddenly cleared. “By the way, Caitlin wants to go to Chez Lee. She’s simply dying to try their lobster. I told her you wouldn’t mind taking her. After all, it is Saturday and you’re allowed to stay out late.”
Natasha scurried past to the door, her scarf trailing behind. “Bye, Caitlin. Don’t let him bully you. And make him pay. Big time!”
“What did I do to her?”
“Years of bossiness, Brother dear. Now it’s pay-back time.” Robyn patted his arm, her eyes glowing with mischief. “But Caitlin really does want lobster. And onion rings. I don’t know why. Ask her.” She kissed Caitlin, grabbed her bundled-up daughter and headed out the door.
“I’ve got to go, too,” Olivia murmured, tugging on her gloves. She hugged Caitlin close and then fixed her with a stern look. “No desert. Okay?”
Caitlin nodded, smiling as the last sister left.
“No desert? Doesn’t she mean dessert? And why not?” Jordan’s eyes worked open and closed as he tried to reason out the strange tableau.
“I’ve got to give you credit, Andrews,” Caitlin giggled as she picked up the cups. “You sure know how to clear a room.”
“And I wasn’t even trying to get them to leave,” he marveled. “I wish I knew what I did so I could do it again next time.”
Caitlin burst out laughing, happier than she could remember being in months.
He followed her through to the kitchen, his hands full of used napkins and empty chip containers. “So where shall we go for dinner? We haven’t got a reservation for Chez Lee’s so that’s out. But otherwise, take your pick.”
He lifted the crystal bowl out of her hand and set in on the shelf she’d been stretching to reach. As his hands came down, one brushed the length of her hair, lightly fingering the russet curls, while the other rested on her shoulder.
For a moment, just one small unit of time, Caitlin relaxed against his massaging fingers as they manipulated the taut cord across her shoulder.
“You okay?” His gold eyes searched hers as he eased her into a chair. “No backache?”
“A little.” She sat there, her head resting against his side, allowing the tiny thrill of joy to trickle from his fingertips to her heart.
“You’re tired. I knew you shouldn’t have asked Clay over again last night. It’s bizarre, this coaching him in endearments.” But his voice was soft and indulgent.
“No, it’s not. He really cares for her, Jordan. I can’t turn my back on that.” She sighed when his fingers moved onto her scalp, easing the bands of pressure that clung there.
“Do you want me to make som
ething? I know you’re too tired to go out. I promise I’ll sterilize everything when I’m finished. You’ll never know I’ve been here.”
Jordan loved cooking almost as much as he hated cleaning up. And yet he was willing to do that for her, too. The small sacrifice brought a smile to her lips.
“I don’t think so. But thanks anyway. I’m just not in the mood for anything that’s here, in spite of your efforts to bring the entire store home. And we can have lobster another time.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask.” He sat down in the chair opposite her, his hands gently caressing hers as he spoke. “What are you in the mood for, Caitlin?”
He was so dear, sitting here like this, holding her. Would it be so wrong to love him? To let a tiny piece of her heart thaw enough to pour it out on Michael’s brother.
“Caitlin?”
“Hmm?”
“What’ll it be?”
“Chicken, I think. Strips. Golden crisp and steaming, with hot mustard sauce to dip them in, and some coleslaw on the side. And lemonade.” She closed her eyes, dreaming of it all, and opened them again when she heard his snort of laughter.
“You’re kidding, right? Coleslaw? Hot mustard sauce? Lemonade?” His eyes sparkled with laughter, his mouth creased in that teasing grin. “With your stomach? You’ll need antacids all night long!”
Caitlin pretended to bristle. “Just because you don’t like chicken is no reason I shouldn’t enjoy it. I’ll call the delivery people.” She yanked her hands away from his and stood too quickly, causing the blood to rush to her feet. Caitlin wavered for a moment, then grabbed at the table.
“Are you all right?” His arm came around her shoulders and he helped her walk from the kitchen to the living room, easing her onto the sofa. “There. Put your feet up and watch the television for a while. I’ll be back shortly.” His eyes glinted with laughter. “But I’m warning you, the time will come when you won’t be able to con me anymore.”
Caitlin thrust her nose in the air and sniffed derisively. “As if I’d bother. I’m not helpless, you know,” she sputtered, struggling to free herself from the soft cushy comfort of furniture that seemed intent on swallowing her up.
